Oliver tries to process what he just witnessed, his mouth parted in a silent accusation.
I remain unmoving as Lex slowly rises from the armchair. He stands next to me, ready to face whatever is coming. The traces of the intense kiss we exchanged are still on his flushed face and messy hair, and I'm sure they are also on me.
In Oliver's eyes, I can perceive heartbreak and betrayal. Fuck, why did this have to happen like this? When I was so close to telling him?
"Oli, I-" I start, but a rush of humiliation clogs my throat, in the back of which I can almost taste bile. I never wanted to hurt him.
I need to explain, to make sense of this situation, but guilt paralyzes me. Before I can come up with something to say, Oli steps back into the hallway and closes the door behind him, leaving me with Lex.
When I look up at Lex to find some comfort, all I see is remorse. Why does he look so guilty? It doesn't make any sense. Without him being so reasonable, Oli would have found us in an even more compromising position.
"Andrea, I'm sorry. I didn't want this to-" He hesitates, struggling to find the words.
Regret. There's undeniable regret in his voice.
An insidious, unwelcome thought claws its way into my head. But it's too manipulative and cunning, and Lex isn't like that. We discussed this; he knows how scared I am about my colleagues knowing the truth. He knows I wanted to preserve Oli's feelings.
Lex wouldn't do this to me.
Right?
"Tell me you didn't know he was coming," I beg.
But he doesn't answer, doesn't try to deny it, to reassure me, to lie... Instead of innocence, his eyes only display more and more shame. My heart pounds as wild, terrifying thoughts swell into my mind.
No... No, no, no... This can't be happening.
"Why?" I can barely contain the outrage in my voice.
Lex hesitates, his eyes locked on mine, trying to gauge the words that could appease me. "He needed to know. It was the right thing to do."
"He didn't need to learn about it like this!"
"You've been leading him on for weeks. It was the merciful thing to do." My jaw drops with outrage. Is he being serious right now? His accusation is so unfair, wrong, unjustified...
My voice is too loud when I speak again, but I can't contain it. "This was cruel, Lex. Not only for Oliver but for me too. And I haven't sent him any mixed signals for weeks."
"Really? Then why is he so certain he still has a chance with you?" His tone is rising too, and it doesn't help my irritation.
"He doesn't! He never even had a chance."
"You expect me to believe this? He tells you he's in love with you, and you immediately distance yourself from me," he argues, his finger angrily pointing at the door.
Shit... Of course, he read the fucking text. Now I'm angry at him, but also at myself. I should have been more careful.
"So, what is it, Andrea? Are you, or are you not leading him on? Because kissing emojis and grabbing beers after work aren't helping your case."
How does he know about Charlie's tonight?
"You're reading our messages?" I struggle to ask. Fuck. It's too much, too fast. I can't believe any of this.
"It's a company tool, not social networking. I have access to the conversations."
"Which doesn't mean you should read them!"
Everything hurts. I'm distressed and confused, completely lost in the absurdity of what's happening. Lex saw the texts yesterday, and this morning, he monitored my conversation with Oliver out of resentment or jealousy. And then-Oh, God...
"Is this-is this the reason you asked me out two days in advance?" My question is met with silence. "Was it because you were jealous, or was it because you were impatient to go on a date with me?" I insist.
"Can't it be both?"
"Fuck..." I flatten my hand over my forehead, a headache threatening to take over. Tears are coming, and my whole nasal cavity and throat ache from holding them back. "I can't believe this. You're so wrong about Oli and me."
"Really? I think you're keeping him close to have a backup plan if things don't work out between us."
His words are like a punch to the chest. Is this really what he thinks of me? That I'm the kind of woman who would do that? Does he not know me at all?
An overwhelming sadness spread through my mind, my combativeness slowly leaving me. Despite his promise, he doesn't trust me. He doesn't have faith in me.
My whole body is numb, my soul bruised, and my mind aching with conflicting thoughts. I have to get away from him, his judging glare, and insulting words, but I can't. My pride won't let me. I'm not going anywhere until he understands how deeply he hurt me.
I stare at him, at how handsome he is, with his hair still tousled from my amorous charge, his shirt sitting wrong on his shoulders. He's still the most gorgeous man I've ever set my eyes on, but all I see is the humiliation.
"I had to leave yesterday because I knew I'd break his heart. It wasn't about you, but about losing one of my best friends," I explain, my voice cracking despite trying to maintain my composure. "Tonight, I was going to tell him I can't ever return his feelings." I pause, the rest of my confession sitting heavy on my tongue. "I can't because I'm in love with someone else."
Lex's fierce and furious expression crumbles as my words make their way into his brain. Numerous emotions pass in his eyes, among which I recognize regret, confusion, and uncertainty.
He tries to reach for my arm, but I swiftly avoid it, leaping away. If he touches me, it's game over.
"Andrea, I-"
"No," I cut him off. "It's too easy. You're going to apologize, to tell me you didn't mean to hurt me, that you're sorry... And it will work because life without you doesn't have meaning anymore. But this goes beyond a forgivable fit of jealousy."
I look at the door where Oli stood moments ago, tears suddenly gathering in my eyes, blurring my vision. "You knew how scared I was about this. But you didn't think of me! You didn't even care. You let your absurd concerns about Oliver take over. When the others hear about this, what do you think will happen? They'll question every opportunity I got since I got this job. Selling my app to Kelex became the casualty of us having sex. Becoming the project leader, being in charge of the convention's presentation... Everything I ever did is now irrelevant because you've been inside me. And you knew how I felt about that."
My voice is ragged as tears roll down my cheeks one by one.
"Andrea, please," he begs. "I didn't plan for things to unfold like this. I lost control. I didn't think."
The weight of his words dawns on me. "You asked him to come up because you were going to tell him without my consent," I state, understanding it was his plan. That's why Oli barged in like this. Lex doesn't answer, but the guilt on his face is all I need. "Lex, do you not see how wrong it would have been?"
He takes a step forward, and I take one back, keeping a safe distance between us. Everything in me wants to forgive him and pretend it never happened. But I'm not like that. I'm not a pushover that runs away from my issues.
"I couldn't take the risk of losing you," he explains as if it can justify everything.
"I told you I wasn't going anywhere! I begged you to trust me. You knew this was exactly what would chase me away," I remind him, the resentment in my tone obvious even to me.
"Andrea, can you just listen to me?" he insists, reaching out to grab me.
"Don't you dare touch me." I raise a warning hand between us, quickly putting it back down when I see how much it trembles. "I can't be near you right now," I say, moving for the door.
"Andrea, please."
"I need some time to think. Can you at least give me that, Alexander?"
The name is what stops him. He isn't "Lex" or "baby" anymore. He's back to being Alexander, and that makes his eyes even sadder.
Once I'm out of his office, I walk as fast as I can through the hallway, a pressure on my chest so intense it makes breathing painful. Swiftly, I step into the restroom as I pass it and then push a door to enter one of the stalls.
An inevitable sob shakes my shoulders as I lock the door behind me. My sight blurs with tears, and my throat clenches so tightly I can't breathe.
How could Lex do this to me? To us?
All I can think of are Kate's words.
Is this Lex shifting? Is he revealing his true nature? The ruthless, dominant, and imperious control freak I fell in love with is indeed all that. I ignored the signs because he was never like this with me, but what if he was destined to become this all along?
The same kind of assholes Kate dates. The ones who are so perfect early on, only to turn into a controlling nightmare. I want Lex with everything I have, but not like this. Becoming the willing victim of an overbearing partner is out of the question. I can't let my parents or friends watch me deteriorate into an empty shell of myself.
The rest of the day is a hazy blur, my mind consumed by dark thoughts. I skip lunch for lack of appetite, and when the guys notice my somber state, I tell them I have a nasty migraine. That isn't entirely a lie since my head is pounding. In the Lair, Oli doesn't look at me a single time, just as tense as I am. How long until the others know? How long until everyone thinks of me the same way Hugh did? Someone who sleeps around to succeed...
Everything in me wants to go home, but leaving things like this with Lex might cause irreparable damage. As fucked up as what he did is, it's not enough to counterbalance the happiness he brings into my life. I tasted bliss and love, and I can't go through life without them. Without him.
So, he gets one more chance at this. One last chance, I promise myself.
We need to communicate, fix this, and move on with a healthier mindset. Lex has his insecurities-God knows I have mine-and I threw them back in his face, unwilling to listen to him. Yes, what he did is wrong, and he's wrong in his assumptions. But I can only sympathize because I'd probably do some bat-shit crazy things to keep him.
Before the day ends, we'll have a level-headed talk, where feelings aren't running high and we aren't shouting at one another-emotions run high in Hernández women.
Lex respects my demand to have some time, so he doesn't come down here, he doesn't text, doesn't call... I'm not sure if I like that or not. Part of me values that he's mindful of my wishes, but another would appreciate it if he apologized and did whatever he could to fix his mess.
When five-thirty arrives, Oli's the first to go, mumbling a vague "Goodbye," and the rest soon follow. Once the guys are gone, I wait a little longer, mostly out of cowardice. My heart weighs a ton as I make my way upstairs. Nearly everyone's gone by now, and I hope Lex remains true to himself and works late. The ray of light that comes from under his door tells me he is.
I stare at the panel for a while, trying to conjure the strength to knock on it. It's ridiculous. I've been in Lex's office on dozens of occasions and passed it countless times. I shouldn't be scared by it, but I can't help it.
I need to get in there and trigger the conversation that will fix us.
The first knock is weak, but the next two are firmer. His command to enter comes quickly, and I take a deep breath. Surely, we'll have more work ahead of us, but this is the first step. The hardest one.
As soon as I push the panel open, my eyes find him in the room, focused on whatever is on his screen. His gaze lifts from his task, and his concentrated mood fades when he sees me. Instead, a slightly concerned look takes over for a split second before he conjures his stern, neutral expression. It's been a while since he last used this one on me, and it stings.
I will my feet to take me inside and close the door behind me. "Hi," I let out, my voice uneven.
My heart clutches when he doesn't answer. He's supposed to say "Hi" back. It's our thing. Come on, Andy. Fix the mess.
"We need to talk," I bravely say.
"I have to leave in ten minutes for a dinner meeting." His icy tone is hard to bear, but I can work with this. He'll forgive me for how I reacted, just like I'm forgiving him.
"It's a longer talk, but we can start it now and get back to it whenever you're ready?" I propose. He hesitates, his impregnable expression cracking for an instant to reveal doubt.
"I have things I need to prepare for it."
Fuck... He doesn't want me here. Lex being so reluctant isn't something I expected. What am I supposed to do? Force it on him? Tie him up and make him listen to me?
Finally moving away from the door, I take a few steps toward him. "Lex, I just... I'm sorry. I overreacted a little, and I think we should talk because I can't-"
He interrupts me with a raised hand and stands from his chair. "I'm going to stop you right here. We both got carried away in this story, and I am as much to blame, if not more." A faint, distant glimmer of hope makes its way into my mind. "I told you from the start I wasn't cut for relationships, and I somehow forgot that fact along the way."
What? No. This isn't what I want. He can't be putting the entire thing in the balance.
"You knew as much as I did that I would eventually hurt you. The unavoidable happened, and I think we should leave it at that, Andrea," he says, his face as neutral as ever.
Leave it at that? Is he breaking up with me? Shit, how can words hurt so much? Whatever's left of my confidence crumbles into tiny shards.
"Lex, no... We both got hurt, but we can move on from it. We can grow past it and keep what we have," I insist, my voice trembling slightly. I'm slowly losing it, already about to tear up.
"And then what? What happens the next time I hurt you? When we're even further down the path?"
"You don't have to hurt me. We don't have to hurt each other."
"I don't know how to do that. I can't be the man you want me to be."
"But I don't want you to be another man. I want you as you are."
He lets out a small sigh as if irritated by my insistence. What the fuck is happening? Why doesn't he want to fix things?
"I'm not built for this. I can't do romance, dates, and love..."
"What we have is different from your other relationships," I protest.
"Why?"
Because we're in love.
"You know why, Lex."
He tenses all over, his brows knitted together. "I should have put an end to it sooner, but I warned you it would end this way, Andrea-with you hurt."
"The fuck kind of answer is that?!"
"What do you want me to say?"
He sounds annoyed, almost angry at me. "I don't fucking know, Lex! Say you want to be with me. Say you love me."
Instead of answering, he clenches his jaw, looking down at me with determination. The obstinate asshole won't say it. Anger rises from inside of me as I want to curse his stubbornness. He's holding his ground, refusing to open up and admit I'm right.
"I'm sorry you got so involved in this," he says coldly.
I'm about to utter a protest again, but then an unwelcome thought claws its way into my mind. What if I'm wrong? What if he never loved me?
The things he said after Oli found us, how I was leading him on to keep him as a backup plan, should have opened my eyes. How could he believe it and still love me? Our relationship was never equal in trust, so how could it be equal in heart? Obviously, he likes me, but he was never in love with me. Otherwise, how can it be so easy for him to dismiss everything we shared? My heart drops low in my stomach at the thought, and my guts twist. I'm about to be sick.
That's why he didn't do anything to try to get me back this afternoon. Not a single text, not a single attempt to bargain, to talk, to fix us... His radio silence wasn't because I needed space. It was because he didn't care enough. And he's so aloof now because I was just a fling. Not the great love of his life.
I'm so fucking stupid. A month. Of course, Lex couldn't fall in love with me so fast. He swept me off my feet, but the other way around isn't true.
As the world falls apart, I look up at him with tears blurring my vision. His expression twitches slightly when a drop rolls down my cheek, sorriness veiling his handsome face. He cares about me but not enough.
"You never loved me," I whisper. Voicing it is even worse, and another surge of tears overwhelms me. With shaky hands, I get rid of them as they come.
He doesn't deny it, his brows stuck in a perpetual apologetic frown. "I'm sorry, Andrea. I tried to warn you."
I ruined it. Maybe with more time, he could have loved me. Truly loved me. But I destroyed my chances by reacting the way I did with Oli, involuntarily shaking some sense into him.
"I'm sorry," he says again, his voice softer.
I don't want his pity. I don't want him to see me so pathetic and puerile like this. I want him to love me with the same maddening intensity as I love him. But I see now how foolish it was of me to believe he could.
The great love of my life only goes one way.
"I'll let you work," I say, straightening my shoulders and gathering the little dignity I have left.
Before I can turn around, he grasps my arm, and I send him a confused look after glancing at his strong hand on me. "I really am sorry, Andrea."
His free hand reaches for my face and settles so his palm embraces the curve of my cheek. With the pad of his thumb, he wipes a stranded tear away. When he leans forward as if to kiss me, I don't stop him. I can't. I'm fucking weak, and I want his lips on mine one last time.
At the last moment, he hesitates, and instead of my lips, he kisses my forehead, crushing my heart one ultimate time. It's such a platonic, patronizing gesture that I want to hate him for it. But I can't. Not when he's so close to me, his familiar scent filling my nostrils, his large hands on me...
His mouth lingers for longer than it should before he slowly moves away. "It's for the best," he insists. I can't tell if he's saying it for himself or me.
I force myself to nod, and I exit his office as fast as I can. It takes everything I have not to look back at him, but I do it.
It's over.
We're over before we ever began.
My feet bring me to the stall where I cried this morning. Given how my eyes fill with more tears, I'm on for a do-over. Fuck...
Images of my time with Lex, my Lex, the one I thought I knew, flood my mind, adding to the agonizing pain in my chest. I'll never wake up in his arms again. I'll never experience his adoration, taste his lips, experience his playful teasing... All of this is gone.
How did we end up here? We were so fucking happy together, not even twenty-four hours ago. I can still feel the gentleness with which he cared for my bruised cheek, hear the devoted words he whispered into my ears, sense the affection that seeped through his touch as we made love...
The excruciating pain grips every inch of my being as endless flows of salty tears water down my cheeks, gathering at my chin. Desperate sobs shatter the stillness, echoing in the air.
I slump against the door, powerless, as my limbs give way. My numb body slides down until it reaches the floor, my hectic breathing impossible to control.
It was so stupid of me to fall so desperately, irrevocably, and utterly in love with him. Now I'm shattered and broken beyond repair.
I am lost in a sea of despair, waves of agony crashing down on me. I can barely register the toilet bowl a couple of feet away and the probably filthy white tiles under me that add to my humiliation. As torment wrecks me, I know nothing could be worse than this.
The heartbreak I desperately wanted to avoid inevitably caught up with me. I knew from the start that Lex would hurt me, but I chose to ignore my intuitions, blinded by stupid love.
I should have trusted my instinct. All of this was a giant error from the start.
And now, he corrected my mistake, leaving me with nothing but the bitter taste of regret.
He was right; he should have put an end to it sooner
Put an end to us.