Love was supposed to beautiful, intangible and everlasting.
It was supposed to be like the fate that bloomed and connected you to each other no matter what.
It was supposed to make you come back to each other no matter what.
It was supposed to make you feel whole.
Not shred each and every single piece of your soul and ruin you.
It was not supposed to kill the souls which were alive and flourishes.
It was not supposed to break my sister.
I sat quietly beside my sister's bed holding her hand as she kept flinching and shedding tears and calling out Atharva's name in her sleep. And only one question haunted her dream.
I was so scared that she would drive off in the middle of the night and crash into a tree due to lack of sleep or scratch herself as she fell asleep.
I had been staying up night after night to witness my sister's downfall due to her love. And that only enhanced one feeling in my chest and made it throb with pain.
It was regret of letting her date Atharva.
And,
Self Loathing for loving Amara.
She had betrayed me. There was no turning back from the fact anymore. She lied to me. She toyed with my sister's feelings by hiding the truth from her. She hid the truth from me.
Hiding the truth is equivalent to lying.
It is equivalent to betryal.
And now as I saw the rare calmness that adorned the features of my sister's face after nearly three months her break up with Atharva.
I couldn't help but clutch onto her hand as I did when we were children and bring it near my tear filled face.
Though I spoke harshly to Amara everyday at school ever since that day. Even when we were not talking to each other and just passing by each other the atmosphere got so tensed that it was almost suffocating.
And everyday when I spoke like an asshole to her. I felt a string in my heart being cut with a dented knife. It was both physically and emotionally so painful that I felt myself dying even more than ever before.
And in the quite moonlit night all I could do in the silence of the room filled with gentle breeze and the melancholy of a summer night.
All I could do was fucking cry.
Amara,
I thought...
That it was you
It was me.
It was us.
I thought it was all worth fighting for.
I thought it was all going to get better eventually.
I thought that we were going to be okay.
I thought...
That we were right.
That we were real.
That we were whole.
That we completed each other.
I thought we were the kind of love we've always wanted and longed for.
I thought that we were childhood lover.
I thought that we were fated lovers.
I thought that we were going to forgive each other.
I thought we were going to forgive ourselves.
I thought we were in this together.
But it was always just you or me.
It was never us.
It was love.
It was Hate.
I knew for a fact that I could not hate you, Amara.
Not even after the stunt you pulled.
And loving you is what makes me hate me now.
"I'll destroy you, Amara."
"I'll destroy every memory of you."
"I'll rip out my own heart if it means getting rid of you from my bloodline."
Cause you and me never makes us.
.
.
.
"Evara di... go get your certifactes and scholarships and distinction." I urge my sister to walk inside the principle's cabin even though she couldn't have looked more reluctant to do so.
"I don't want to Abhi..." Evara di spoke with a soft and hushed voice. Which was hoarse and painful to hear.
"Why?" I asked rubbing her back to ease her breathing. Trying my hardest to make my sister feel better no matter what.
"Atharva purposely lost his first place." She said bluntly. Her voice trembling at the slightest mention of his name and that only burned the crater of rage even more.
"You, Eva di have been working hard for this. It was not that Atharva gave his first place to you. It is because you deserved it more." I tried to reason. To try and make her understand how it was her hard work at the end of the day and she shouldn't undermine her own capabilities.
"I know what Atharva is capable of Abhi." She says finally before making her way inside the principle's cabin.
And I wait outside patiently.
Knowing that if Atharva get's to know that Eva di is here he will definitely try to meet her. But that was not going to happen. Not on my watch.
My sister will not shed another tear for that worthless jerk who treated her like a bet.
I kept pacing back and forth in front of the door when I see a familiar figure halt before me.
As beautiful as ever.
Painfully devious.
Tauntingly cruel in her love.
"Where is Evara?" Amara asked not bothering to even meet my eyes now.
"Why would I tell you anything?" I asked her my height towering over hers but she didn't move back and stayed toe to toe with me.
Her head tilted up to meet mine and there was a flicker of hurt flashing in them. Before it dimmed and muted into shining golden flickers of rage.
"I have no business with you, Abhimanyu. Move out of my way. I am exhausted of you blaming me about what happened every single day. I am past the point of feeling guilty. It was not my truth to tell. I have no rights messing up my brother's life." She answered her voice firm and almost unwavering.
"But you can ruin my sister's life." I asked glaring at her fury curling in the pit of my belly at the thought of what my sister was going through.
"I just came to clear the misunderstanding between Evara and Bhai. You don't have to meddle around with this."
"Actually I have every right to meddle around what can fuck up my sister's life. And your brother happens to be the prime reason. And you happen to be his accomplice."
Her lips parted in offense at the distasteful accusations.
"I want clear up the mess. Why is that a problem to you?"
"I want Evara to read this letter!" She exclaimed desperately and I snatched the paper from her hand before ripping it apart into multiple pieces and throwing them all over her.
"Because I don't trust you. You already fucked me up. You fucked up my sister's life. You are your brother's sister after all."
"You are nothing but-" .
"Screw you..." She breathes out shakily and her eyes glare right back at me. Her words halting me on my track.
"What did you say?" I asked my jaw ticking.
"Screw you, Abhimanyu Acharya. What do you think? You can go on acting with that bitchy attitude of yours and I will just stand her watching? I know bhai hid the truth from Evara. That doesn't mean he didn't love her!"
"What do you know about love?" I asked spitefully.
"More than you definitely." She scoffed with disdain reflecting deeply in her eyes as she walked away from me rolling her eyes. While muttering how impossible I was.
.
"Abhi?" Evara di asked with a slight frown on her face after noticing my stiff posture.
"Hmm?"
"What happened?"
"Nothing. Eva di, go sit in the car." I toss the car keys at her before following Amara. I didn't know the reason of my actions but. Everything she did recently got on my nerves.
.
.
.
I soon caught up to her.
To only find her walking next to Atharva. Who seemed duller and lost. The stupidly devious and charming that always adorned his lips had been replaced by a poker and expressionless face. Filled with hints of melancholy.
"Amara? Is everything ok?" he asked. His eyes assessing Amara's tear glistened eyes and suppressed tears.
"Yeah bha-" Her words are cut off sharply when I pull her elbow and turn her towards myself. Not wanting anything more than the satisfaction of seeing her cry.
Maybe seeing her hurt is what I needed to no longer feel the pain that dwelling inside every single cell in my body. Maybe inflicting pain to her the same way she had caused me pain was the answer to all my misery.
"How dare you try to give Eva di...?" But before I finish my sentence I feel something I never expected.
Slap.
A harsh sound echoed through the corridor.
"Stop. Stop. Stop. I am done tolerating you. I am done with you blaming me for ruining your sister's life. Your sister is my friend! Do you fucking realise that? I have only three friends in my whole ass shitty life. Why would I want to hurt any one of them?" She asked panting hard. Her eyes raged. Her tone on a higher pitch than usual.
I couldn't help but glare at her my wrath reaching new heights when I felt the sting of her slap on my cheek. My fists and teeth clenched. A kind of monster that I didn't know how to control running wild inside me.
"Yes, Yes I tried to give Evara the letter Bhai wrote. Because I want this to end. I want them to be happy. I can't see my brother suffering. I can't see him shatter with the guilt of not being able to tell Evara the truth. What did I do wrong? Is it wrong for me to care about my family? Anything I do is wrong. Why? What have I even done to you? I never ever once did anything that would make you think I would harm Evara." She took another step forward standing toe to toe with me.
"That's the fucking point. You never even do anything for Evara di that is helpful. It doesn't matter if you do anything to harm her or not. And your brother's letter will harm my sister. Leave her fucking be. You Roy's need to stop meddling with others life for your own entertainment." I grudged. Trying to hide any emotions I was currently feeling, and it happened more naturally than usual.
"I will meddle in things that I believe I can fix." Amara wraps her hand around my tie and pulls me down towards her so that now we were at Eye level with each other.
"Amii... leave him. I need to talk to you." Atharva try to pull her back from me.
But she held her ground. Her breath heavy and eyes glowing a different kind of beautiful. Every moment she spoke. I wanted to do nothing more than just shut her up with my lips. The slap that still sting felt so delicious in the presence of her intoxicating scent.
"You know that slap still fucking stings." I whispered my breath dancing on her lips.
"Want me to kiss it better or what?" Amara asked sarcastically.
But the breathiness in her voice.
The need to pull her into my arms. To kiss her like I used to. Drew out every rationality.
I didn't care is Atharva was right there in front of me.
"You disgust me. But that is a good idea." I said smirking lightly and feeling her shudder as if sensing what was coming and her hand on my tie shaking ever so lightly.
I kiss her deeply.
After nearly three months.
Depraved of her scent. Her taste. Her warmth. The pain in her very being. It was addicting. I was like a junkie waiting for his next high.
Amara was my high.
She was the addiction.
I knew she was bad for my health.
She was bad for my heart and mind.
But that didn't make me want her any lesser.
I bit into her lips and she gasped. Her lips moved against mine almost involuntarily. As if she was made for me. Sung in my tune and we were the harmony to each other's very existence.
It is sad how I try to find
Her in all
The old songs and stories
I used to love.
One moment I kissing her.
And in the next moment I am pinned against the wall.
"How. Dare. You. Touch. My. Sister?" Atharva asked holding my jaw while forcefully pushing my head back further on the wall.
I couldn't help but smirk.
The pain.
The wrath.
The confusion.
The Hatred.
I saw in Atharva's eyes gave me a sick king of solace.
"Well, your sister said that she would kiss my wound better. It was consented."
"Don't pretend like you were born into this world Yesterday. She was being Sarcastic and you knew that too..."
I didn't utter a word.
My heart twisting painfully as my gaze shifted behind him towards Amara who still stood rooted in the same place in a catatonic state.
She looked hurt.
Her fingers grazed her lips and eyes looked lost.
And there I felt it. Guilt.
I knew I was wrong.
That my actions hurt her.
But I needed to Love you to Hate me.
I needed to Hate you to Hate me.
"Since you are Evara's brother and someone important to one of my dearest let me give you a piece of advice. What happened between me and your sister stays between us. Don't burn yourself so much in revenge that you loose yourself. Don't become someone you are not. If not for anyone else. Do it for your Eva Di."
Atharva pushes me off forcefully and grabs onto Amara's hand and dragging her towards his car.
And as I see her retreating looking back at me.
I pretend
I don't care.
But it was
Tearing me
Apart.
To hate you is harder than
Loosing you.
Unedited
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