tw: heavy chapter ahead. talks of suicide, abuse, and general feelings from trauma. remember you are not alone.
October 16th, 2022
I've spent the last twelve hours mulling over everything that happened last night. I still don't know how the conversation went between my dad and Harry. All I know is that last night I was ready to end things with Harry and ready to call my dad to tell him to never contact me again.
I barely slept all night. I tossed and turned until I finally got up at the ungodly hour of five am to drink my coffee and read my new book from Harry. Now that I've had a chance to calm down, I'm glad I didn't act out of anger. I'm still mad about how it all went down, but I'm trying to understand where Harry is coming from.
I know he lost his mom at a young age. He hasn't gone into much more detail than that, but it's obvious this need to fix my family stems from that. There has to be boundaries set regardless of his feelings on it though. I don't want to make any rash decisions, but this needs to be a conversation between us. I've been working on communication a lot lately, and instead of just getting angry I'm taking the time to understand my feelings and bring them to the conversation in a productive way.
Truth be told, I also don't want my dad to be out of my life completely. He's all I have left, and while he's fucked up in the past I'm willing to forgive and move on even if it means we continue to keep each other at arms distance.
I still don't think I'll be going to the wedding even if we do mend things. I couldn't do that to my mom.
The book Harry gave to me has been a great change of pace from my continuous reread of The Outsiders. It's been exactly what I needed this morning to clear my thoughts and unwind after last night. Since it's my day off, I plan on spending the day doing exactly this and nothing else.
I'm surprised that I haven't heard from Harry yet though, which makes me a little worried. In the past he's always at least sent a text to try to smooth things over during any arguments, but maybe he's just trying to give me space.
I should call him. I should—
Three knocks sound at my door. It's just past eight in the morning now, and I haven't even bothered to brush my teeth or put on pants. Stupid apartment doesn't even have a peephole to see who's there. I don't have my contacts in, I don't—
I grumble all the way to the door, grabbing the first pair of lounge shorts I can get out of my dresser and stumbling up the door still putting them on. I ruffle out my hair a bit and wipe under my eyes before cracking the door open just a little bit.
And there he is. Of course it's Harry, looking like he just came back from a modeling shoot this early in the morning wearing his beige pants and a striped black and white sweater, his hair now creeping past his shoulders in perfect ringlets. He's got flowers in his hand, this time hydrangeas, even though they're almost not in season anymore. In his other hand he's holding a brown paper bag with grease stains on the outside.
"I'm sorry," is the first thing he says when I open the door a little wider to let him through. "I regret everything. I should have never invaded your trust and privacy like that, especially considering our issues with trust in the past. Let me show you that I mean it, somehow."
If he could have gotten down on his knees and begged, he probably would have with that kicked puppy look on his face right now.
I may make him do that later, anyway.
I take a deep breath before responding, taking the flowers from his hand as he sets down the bag of food on the kitchen counter. The way he moves through my apartment is so natural, like he belongs here. I never want to lose that.
"I forgive you, but we need to have a conversation about boundaries, Harry."
"We do... I agree. But I'd like to tell you something first, if that's okay," he says nervously, playing with the ring I made him on his finger. He still rarely wears all his rings out at once, but since I gave him the wire entwined ring weeks ago he's never taken it off.
My heartbeat picks up in my chest, but I nod. "Of course. Can we eat first? These flowers are beautiful, by the way."
"I went early this morning and picked them myself from my garden," he admits sheepishly. "The season is almost over and I wanted to make sure you got some before they go dormant for the winter."
Tears well up in my eyes. I'm not sure why, it's not like this is out of character for him to do something like this. Really any time he goes out of his way at all for me it makes me emotional.
Instead of answering, I put both my hands gently over his cheeks to give him a kiss. He deepens the kiss and puts his hands in my hair, pulling me closer to him.
I keep the music on in the apartment while we eat side by side on my couch, Harry with a leg kicked up over the arm and me sitting crisscross next to him, my knee over his other leg. I hum along to Lightning in a Bottle by the Summer Set in between bites of my bacon and egg breakfast burrito while Harry handles a few things for work so he can take the day off.
When we're done I go get dressed in a pair of ripped jeans and an oversized dark green sweater, narrowing my eyes at my dark roots growing out horribly over the now awful faded pink and making a mental note to grab some hair dye at some point this week. I make sure to freshen up completely so I can be comfortable with Harry spending the day here and not smelling like morning breath.
Harry is already out on the balcony by the time I'm done, rolling a joint for us for our talk. My hands are sweaty thinking about what he could possibly want to say. Oh god, what if he wants to break things off? What if he's sick of my shit, sick of me blowing up every time I get mad, sick of me hiding things—
I open the sliding glass door and when Harry looks up at me I can tell his face lights up, but the nervousness he has doesn't leave his expression which does nothing to put me at ease. I hesitantly take the seat next to him, and he flashes me a fake smile before handing me the joint to light.
"So where do I start," he ponders, leaning back in his seat. The sun is shining perfectly above him, casting him in rays of golden sunlight while the smoke billows between us. I've been here before, in different circumstances, another life ago. Back when we hated each other, when it didn't take much to have us screaming in each other's faces. Now, there isn't a lot I wouldn't do for this man sitting beside me.
"Wherever you're comfortable," I reassure him, letting him know I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.
"You know I grew up in England," he looks to me, and I nod in confirmation. If the accent didn't give it away, I also remember him telling me that, again another life ago in his garden. "I never knew my dad. He left when my sister was a baby. I have memories of him, but they're hazy. It never bothered me that I didn't know him, because I had my mom and my sister. My childhood was... I wish I could take you there, take you back in time, to run with me over the rolling green hills, to swim in the creek nearby, to stargaze in the countryside. There was nothing like it. I was happy. Naive. Blissfully ignorant to the cruelties of the world."
Picturing a young, innocent looking Harry playing in the fields of his childhood town brings a sense of nostalgia to my heart. It's hard to picture Harry like that, when all I know is this thick skinned, borderline cold at times person, who has been hardened by the world. It hurts to know I'll never know the Harry before the world showed him how hurtful it could be.
"My mom was diagnosed with cancer when she was just thirty five. I was young, around ten. I didn't quite know what that meant yet, what would change. I started taking care of my baby sister, who was two years younger than me, a lot more. Mom got sicker and sicker, and suddenly her sister was living with us to help take of the house and us kids. I never liked my aunt, always had a bad feeling about her, but none of that mattered when mom was sick.
"Mom died one year and seven months after her diagnosis. My world flipped upside down. I had such a hard time comprehending that she was gone. Everything happened so fast after that. One minute we were having mom's funeral and the next... my sister and I were on a plane to Washington State with my aunt. Within two months we lived in entirely new country, new house, new school, new clothes even... it was just too much. And then I found out why I never liked my aunt."
He pauses in his story like he needs a moment, so I take this time to place a comforting hand on his knee, running soothing circles around and around until he looks at me with a grateful look in his eye. I can see there are tears welling up so I squeeze him a little tighter. "It's just me, baby," I tell him softly.
It's the first time I've used the pet name, though he's used it a few times with me and every time it nearly sends me to my knees. This seems to give him the courage he needs, and after he gathers himself more he continues, reaching down to hold my hand.
"I won't give you too many of the gory details. She would lock us in closets while she went out to party. Sometimes the same closet, sometimes separate. We would go days without eating. She would just forget to buy groceries. I was tortured at school because I never had any clean clothes. I grew up fast. We endured my aunt for four years. And then...," he lets out a strangled cry, somewhere between a sob and a whimper. I immediately scoot my chair closer to him.
"And then my sister killed herself. She was twelve. Twelve fucking years old when I found her. I was fourteen, almost fifteen, when I went to wake her up for school and she wouldn't wake up. My aunt wouldn't take me seriously. I didn't have a phone. She laid in that bed for 48 hours until my aunt finally called the cops and they took her away. I don't know what happened to her body. I still don't."
He found her.
I swear I can actually hear my heart break at this piece of Harry he's revealing to me. It's like time stops and all that matters is this broken boy in front of me, laying his soul bare for me to keep safe. And so I do. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lay my head on his chest until I feel his shaking subside. He holds me tight, running his fingers idly in my hair. I make a silent promise to protect him for as long as I can.
If his aunt is still around, she better count her days.
He continues speaking, still wrapped around me. "So my grades started failing. I stopped coming home. I was expelled from school. My aunt decided she didn't want me anymore so she gave me up to the system, where I was in juvie for a while for setting a field on fire and then transferred to an all boys group home. I was the quiet kid, the shy kid, so of course I was picked on. I was beat until I couldn't leave my bed anymore, had bugs put in my mouth while I was sleeping, and once the kids found out I used to get
locked in closets oh boy. I spent a lot of time locked in closets in there too. Once I met Zayn, things got a little better. That's where I started journaling, where I learned to play guitar, where I learned some really important things about myself."
I always assumed Harry met Zayn in foster care. Zayn mentioned growing up in the system, and it just made sense that that is where they met.
"And well you know the rest," he finishes with a sniffle and a wipe under his eyes. I pull back to see his glowing post crying face, his eyes still rimmed red which makes me want to jump back into his arms, but I give him space. "So I don't tell you this for you to feel bad for me, or make excuses for me. What I did with you and your dad was wrong and an invasion on your personal life and it'll never happen again. I just wanted you to understand me, is all."
I nod in understanding, appreciating more than he'll ever know that he took the time to open up to me and see that part of him not many people know. It confirmed my suspicions on why family is so important to him. I just never could have imagined it was that bad.
So I take a deep breath and kiss him on the shoulder. "Thank you for sharing that with me, Harry. It means so much to me. I promise, what you told me is safe."
I feel him nod against me and let out a breath. "Thank you for listening, pretty girl."
I stand up abruptly, scraping the metal chair across the concrete. If I'm going to do this, I need to do it now before I change my mind.
"Where are you going?" Harry asks, looking up at me.
"To call my dad."
"So you've really never been to Pikes Place Market or the Space Needle?"
"I've only lived here six months, dad," I roll my eyes, but smile still at the lightness in the air. Somehow between a very tear filled phone call full of apologies and promises and an impromptu trip to the city, my dad and I have ended up here in front of the Space Needle. Harry declined to go to give us some privacy, making the excuse of "Bella is finally figuring out this Edward guy is a little off" and has been texting me updates of his reading of Twilight from my apartment since I left.
"That's the first thing I would have done!" he exclaims, looking like a kid at Disneyland as he opens the double doors to the check in counter. It's the middle of the week and the summer tourists seem to have flocked south for the winter already so for once there isn't a line out the door to get on the elevator to the top of the Space Needle. We quickly check in and get behind an older couple who's waiting for the elevator to come down to pick us up. A woman and a young child check in behind us and after another minute of waiting the elevator doors ding open.
"Are you ready?" my dad says excitedly, practically bouncing on his heels as we all pile into the glass elevator.
"As I'll ever be," I swallow, putting on my best smile. Heights aren't really a fear of mine per se, but I have to admit the glass walls on this elevator going up, and up, and up, and... up, are a bit freaky.
"Come on! I'll buy you a shirt when we get to the top!"
We finally reach the very top and we're met with a lobby first. A souvenir shop to my right, a restaurant/ cafe to my left, and directly in front of me are the doors to the perimeter of the Space Needle with the glass floors. My dad is already ten steps ahead of me, opening the door for the outside while I creep towards him, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans.
"Let's go! It's a beautiful day out today too so our view will be so clear!" he practically yells across the lobby at me. I quicken my pace and my dad instinctively wraps his arm around my waist tightly when I get to him, sensing my discomfort, leading me to the edge of the wall to overlook the city.
The view is breathtaking, I will admit. I want to come here with Harry one day. I feel like I can see all the way across the state and into the next one. You can see the Earth curve at the edge, the sunlight around it making it look like it's not real. There are a few birds flying around and it makes me wonder how high they can actually fly up in the air. I can tell my dad is taking it in next to me with the way he stares out for a while, but he eventually takes out his phone to start snapping pictures.
"Turn around, Kash!" he exclaims and the moment I do, the flash of his camera goes off, leaving a white light in my vision behind. I squeeze my eyes closed and then open them again to the phone still up. "Smile!"
My dad takes a few photos of me and then jumps next to me. "Let's take a selfie!"
"A selfie?" I laugh at his use of the slang word. My dad is always trying to use words "the kids" use that he sees and hears on the internet.
"Yeah! Isn't that what you call it? Or maybe because it's not just a picture of myself, like the word selfie implies, it's a picture with you so it's actually a... withie!" he says triumphantly like he just discovered the meaning of life.
"Sure, whatever you say," I respond still laughing as I get in the frame. My dad snaps a picture with me giggling next to him with the most ridiculous smile on his face. We take a few more pictures together, getting progressively sillier until he puts his phone away and we walk the perimeter of the Space Needle.
We finish up at the Space Needle, my shirt in hand as promised, and then make our way down and out to Pikes Place Market, which is cool and dingy and has so many different things for sale I'm overwhelmed. Still, my dad and I manage to walk the entire thing, buying fun trinkets and trying the different treats offered. We find a quiet place for coffee and take a moment to sit, deciding where we want to eat for dinner.
I'm having the most fun I've had in a while. We've laughed harder than we have together in a long time, we've talked about him being a better dad and husband for Virginia, and we've exchanged so many inside jokes I didn't even realize we had together. I've missed my dad more than I knew. I've missed my family.
While sitting in the small cafe while my dad debates on trying one of their cheesecakes, I again get the creeping feeling that someone is watching me. The hair stands up on my back of my neck and I have this feeling that if I were to turn around someone would be there in the shadows.
So I do. I turn around.
No one is there. No one is ever there.
I haven't told Harry, or really anyone about this continuing. I've drunkenly told Gianna before, but brushed it off the next day. Harry knows I've felt this way in the past, but to his knowledge it's stopped. There is no point in worrying everyone. If it's not the nightmares, then it's this and I know it's just me.
My dad sits completely oblivious to my inner turmoil, and with him here it does put me at ease that I'm not completely alone. He finally decides on the strawberry cheesecake, ordering two for both of us, and another round of coffees.
While my dad is ordering, my phone buzzes on the table making me jump. I look around to see, well, nothing other than the pepto bismal pink color of the walls and the fifties diner-esque of the stools. Outside the windows show the hustle and bustle of the people walking through for one reason or another, but nothing or no one suspicious enough for me to keep looking for the thing that haunts me.
From Harry: He watches her sleep?!
From Harry: I could break into your window and watch you sleep at night without you knowing. Ya know, if you're into that sort of thing.
To Harry: shut up.
His messages make me laugh and put me a little more at ease, enough to let me relax and have a normal conversation with my dad while we eat our cheesecake and finish our coffee. We head out of Pikes Place and decide we'll call it a day after we grab dinner on the way back to my apartment. I let Harry know I'm on my way back and ask if he wants me to grab him something to eat to which he says no, that he already ate.
My dad and I sit down at some hole in the wall burger place right outside of downtown. He orders some triple monster three cheese jalapeño stack burger while I order a bacon burger and fries. I was not lucky enough to get the "eat whatever I want when I want and never gain a pound" gene from my dad. I've watched him eat two boxes of waffles by himself and still complain he's hungry afterward.
"This has been the best day, Kash," my dad says sincerely while we wait for our food. "Are we okay?"
"We're okay dad. I've had a really good day too." I swallow back tears. I suddenly feel very emotional after today, but it's a good kind of emotional.
"I know I haven't been the best dad," he says for the second time today, but I don't fault him for it. I know he feels a lot of guilt and shame over the way he handled my mom's death. "But I promise I'll be the best dad from here on out. I'll take so many trips to see you you'll be sick of me. Expect a weekly phone call, too. Or Facetime, if I can figure out how to work it."
"I know dad. You're already the best dad, you know? I'm sorry I never reached out after I moved away. I promise I'll be better about keeping in contact. I'd like to bring Harry out to Arizona one day, show him around," I offer.
"Harry would love it back home!" My dad exclaims, but then quickly looks like a deer caught in the headlights. "I mean, seems like the young man would have a good time."
"I know you met with Harry, dad," I roll my eyes and laugh, sitting back to allow the waitress to put our food in front of us. "I'm not mad. Anymore."
"Oh?" he almost chokes on a fry.
"Don't worry, Harry is out of the doghouse already. I know why he did it and why you agreed to it. If he never would have talked to you, I don't think we'd be sitting here now so if anything I'm thankful for it." I take a bite of my burger.
"He's a good man," my dad says between bites.
"You have no idea."
_________________________________
thanks for reading <3