Hi.
This is Camila. I am a lot different now. But I like to think that I am still the same person I was before. That is what Lauren says, too. I have just been through a little more. Or a lot more.
I used to think it was a bad thing. I used to want to change everything about myself and the things that happened to me, because I thought maybe things would turn out better. But I met someone who I do not think I would have met if things had been different. And I do not want to risk never knowing her. Because I think she is a lot better than anything I could have found on my own.
Her name is Lauren. But I call her Lolo. She has eyes like the ocean and a heart like the sky. I think that is why I love her so much.
I did not know people like her existed. I thought they were impossible to find. But I found her, even though I had to see a lot of bad things first. I think she was worth it, though. No, I know she was worth it.
I hear people talk about finding their other halves a lot. But I do not like that. I do not need my other half because I am not a half. Lolo is definitely not a half. I need her because she makes me a better whole. And I hope I do the same for her.
I need her because she makes me smile. She makes me feel things I have never felt before. I did not know what it was like to laugh so hard that your stomach hurt until I met her. I do not think I really knew how to love until I met her.
Love is weird. I do not know how to put it into words. It fills you up and leaves no space for fear. I am safe when I am with her. Because I love her. And in that moment, that is all that matters to me. It is a weird feeling.
I am lucky. I am lucky because I found somewhere better. I do not know what I would have done if I did not end up here. It scares me just to think about it.
It is weird to read my old words in here. It is hard to remember feeling the way I did. I wish I could have shown myself the good things I would discover here.
The bad things are going away. And I am happy.
- Camila
The small girl quickly scrambled to shut the leather journal and hide it back under the bed when she heard footsteps approaching down the hallway. The door opened and a wide smile spread across Camila's face when she saw Lauren. She quickly lifted Wolf from her lap and hopped to her feet, making her way across the room to greet the girl.
Camila was confused when Lauren held out a hand to stop her. Tilting her head to the side, Camila watched as her girlfriend pulled something out of her sweatshirt pocket and handed it to her.
"Read it," Lauren said softly, nodding towards the bed. Confused but curious, Camila padded over to sit down, turning around the folded paper in her hands.
"Don't be scared," Lauren laughed, shoving her hands back in her pockets. "It's nothing bad."
Camila pursed her lips, tilting her head to the side as she slowly unfolded the paper. Her eyes widened when she saw the page was covered in Lauren's small print, crammed onto the sheet from top to bottom. She gave her girlfriend a questioning look.
"Go on," Lauren laughed, leaning over and kissing Camila's shoulder. "You'll like it."
With a soft nod, Camila scanned over the page a few times, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness in the room before she slowly read aloud.
Dear Camila,
I love you. You probably already know that but I just wanted to make that clear from the start. You deserve to hear it all the time.
I remember the first day I saw you. You walked into my science class and I remember thinking how pretty you were. I thought we had the chance to be good friends.
Although situation changed that for us, I had always looked up to you. You were always so calm and serene, and I used to wonder if you ever actually had a bad mood. I've come to find out that you were just really good at covering it up, but I think it takes a strong person to put on a smile when they're really hurting on the inside.
I'll be honest when I say that when I left Miami, I never really expected to see you again. I had so much pent up anger against you. I was mostly focused on getting out of the box I was trapped in and exploring a whole new part of the world. I was excited to start a whole new chapter in my life.
Which is why I was confused when you showed up at our door. It's funny, because I had always thought you would just be a chapter in my book, but you ended up becoming the entire novel. I didn't realize that at first, though.
Somehow you ended up staying with us. And I admit, I was mad. I didn't want anything to do with you. I've apologized a thousand times for how I treated you. You were vulnerable and I was scared of letting anyone in.
I think I knew something between us was inevitable the first night you wandered into my room. You were clutching my shirt to your chest and I remember feeling so affected by someone else's sadness for the first time in forever. That feeling terrified me.
The day I realized what I felt for you was turning into love was when you got taken away. Things had happened between us before that, yeah. But I didn't really know what to call it. But the day I lost you was the day that I realized what I really could lose. And that's why I thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe wanted me to fall in love.
And in a way. I think I loved you from the start. It was like I just knew from the moment I saw you that there was something between us. I think something in us knew... and something in us will always know.
When I got you back... it was the best feeling in the world. I made a promise to myself in that moment that I would do whatever it took to keep you safe. I hope I've managed to keep that promise.
We've been through a lot together, goofball. You've helped me in ways I can't even put into words. You've brought out this person in me that I never knew existed. You've taught me how to see the beauty in the smallest of things, even a flower. There's something so innocent about the way you love and I'm forever grateful that you've shared your spirit with me.
So thank you. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for helping me find parts of myself that I didn't know existed. Thank you for loving me and thank you for giving me the pleasure of loving you.
I remember when we were in Miami and you found the hidden journal entry, the very last line really struck me. You said you wished you had a promise that things will be alright. I'd like to give you that promise, Camila. Forever and always.
Camila looked up at Lauren quietly when the letter ended, thinking over everything she had just read aloud. She was so busy going over the words in her head that she didn't notice Lauren slowly removing her hand from her sweatshirt pocket.
"Camz," Lauren whispered with a soft laugh. The small girl snapped out of her trance, only to find Lauren holding up her pinkie between them.
Camila's eyes widened and she immediately stood up, moving in front of Lauren and gently cupping her hand. She examined the delicate writing that was now inked into Lauren's finger.
"Things will be alright," Camila whispered, reading the cursive font. She looked up at Lauren, her mouth slightly agape.
"I promise," the green eyed girl said softly, a shy smile on her face. Camila couldn't help but smile, and she slowly brought her hand up to lock pinkies with Lauren's, watching as the inked words wrapped around her finger.
Both girls leaned in to kiss their hands at the same time, resulting their heads bumped together. Camila inhaled sharply, bringing her hand up to rub her forehead.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," Lauren shook her head, moving to cup Camila's face. The small girl quickly stopped her, giggling softly before leaning in and capturing Lauren's lips in her own.
Lauren's breath was taken away the minute Camila's lips met hers. She eventually caught up and laughed softly into the kiss, wrapping her arm's around Camila's waist and pulling her into her lap.
When the kiss broke, Camila just continued to giggle, leaning her forehead against Lauren's and biting her lip to hide how widely she was smiling. Lauren couldn't help but laugh as she pulled her into another kiss, feeling Camila wrap her arms around her neck.
The kiss ended abruptly when Camila sat up, hopping off of the bed with wide eyes. Lauren immediately grew concerned, but the small girl held up a finger, signaling for her to wait.
"I have something for you, too," Camila nodded happily, reaching up and tugging her beanie off of her head. Lauren laughed softly when Camila turned the beanie inside out, retrieving a folded up piece of paper and presenting it proudly to the girl on the bed.
"Open it," Camila smiled, sitting down next to Lauren and clasping her hands together. The green eyed girl turned the square around in her hands, looking at Camila for approval before slowly unfolding the paper.
Lauren couldn't hold back her smile when she saw the drawing and she immediately pulled Camila into her side. "I love it," she said softly, looking down at the colored pencil sketch.
"It's us," Camila smiled proudly, scooting closer to Lauren and laying the paper between them. "That is me," she pointed to the wavy haired figure in a yellow dress, complete with a blue beanie. "And that is Wolf," she giggled, moving her finger over to the blue eyed cat in her arms.
"I'm guessing this one is me?" Lauren asked, pointing the figure in a black jacket next to Camila, complete with bright green eyes. Camila nodded happily.
"I could not get your eyes right," she frowned slightly. "They change color all the time."
"I think it's perfect," Lauren whispered, leaning over and planting a kiss on the crown of Camila's head. "You've gotten a lot better at drawing, too," she added, making Camila smile shyly.
"Here," Lauren started, pushing herself off the bed and rummaging through her doors. Lauren watched as she grabbed a roll of tape, moving over to the mirror and hanging her drawing right beside it. "That way we can see it every morning," she said softly.
The small girl sighed happily, falling back onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling.
"I love this," Camila whispered, tugging on her beanie. "You and me... It is everything I could have ever wished for."
"You know what?" Lauren laughed softly, walking back to the bed and moving to lie on her side. Camila raised an eyebrow, turning to face her. "I think you're the answer to a wish I never even knew I had."
"I love you," Camila murmured after a few moments of silence. She yawned quietly, cupping her hands over her mouth and letting her eyes flutter shut. This caused Lauren to laugh, completely endeared by her girlfriend.
"Tired?" Lauren asked, moving back on the bed and pulling the blankets over their legs. Camila nodded softly, a content smile on her face and she crawled across the bed to curl up in Lauren's side.
"Sing?" Camila whispered, wiping her eyes and looking up at her girlfriend. Lauren couldn't help but laugh softly.
"Only for you," she smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Camila's cheek.
I've waited a hundred years
But I'd wait a million more for you
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours would do
If I had only felt the warmth within your touch
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough
Well I would have known
What I was living for all along
What I've been living for
Your love is my turning page
Where only the sweetest words remain
Every kiss is a cursive line
Every touch is a redefining phrase
I surrender who I've been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I've been living for all along
What I've been living for
Though we're tethered to the story we must tell
When I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well
With a whisper we will tame the vicious seas
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees
As Lauren sang, she felt Camila slowly relax into her side, snaking one of her hands up the sleeves of her hoodie like the small girl always did.
Her other arm, however, made its way across Lauren's stomach and found her hand. Lauren smiled softly when she felt Camila's pinky finger lock with her own.
Once the song was over, Lauren could tell just by the rhythmic pattern of Camila's breathing that she was fast asleep. She adjusted her position slightly to get a better view of her girlfriend, watching as Camila's chest rose and fell.
"I love you," Lauren whispered, leaning in and kissing the girl's forehead. "I always will." She laid her head back down, allowing sleep to overtake them both.
Lauren couldn't help but be disappointed when she was shaken awake the next morning. It had been a week since they returned from Miami, and the nightmares had still been relentlessly haunting the smaller girl.
So when Lauren's eyes fluttered open to face the brown eyed girl with tears in her eyes, she immediately sat up and reached out to pull Camila into her arms. She was surprised when the smaller girl shook her head and pulled away, reaching out and grabbing Lauren's shoulders.
"I did not!" Camila whisper-yelled, looking into Lauren's eyes hopefully. "They did not... I did not..." she shook her head, trying to form her words in the moment of excitement. "The nightmares did not come, Lo!"
Lauren immediately sat up straighter, looking Camila dead in the eye. "Wait... what...?" she asked in disbelief, watching as Camila slid off the bed and wiped her eyes.
"It did not happen," Camila sniffed, disbelief in her own voice. "Lo, I swear," she shook her head.
"You're serious?" Lauren asked, her mouth practically falling open when Camila nodded furiously with tears in her eyes. The green eyed girl hopped off the bed, reaching out and grabbing Camila's shoulders.
"Camila, you're serious?" Lauren half-whispered, meeting the smaller girl's eyes. Camila nodded frantically.
"I promise, Lo, I pr-," she began, but was cut off when the green eyed girl practically tackled her into a hug, picking her up and spinning her around.
"We did it!" Camila giggled, throwing her arms around Lauren's neck and burying her head in her shoulders. "We did it, Lo, we did it," her voice grew softer as tears clouded her eyes.
"You did it, baby," Lauren whispered, setting Camila down and bringing her hands up to wipe her own eyes. "That was all you," she smiled widely, pulling Camila into another hug and laughing when she saw Wolf sitting up questioningly from his bed on the other side of the room.
"I love you," Camila smiled widely, jumping into the hug and causing them both to trip backwards onto the bed. Camila couldn't control her laugher and she rolled to the side, covering her face with her hands and giggling as she felt a rush of emotions wash over her.
Once both girls calmed down and caught their breath, Camila sat up and wiped her eyes. She blinked a few times, finding Lauren's electric green eyed through her tears. With a soft smile, she leaned in and gently connected their lips, pulling Lauren into a soft but passionate kiss.
"I love you," Camila mumbled once they pulled away, feeling her body ignite from the kiss. "I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone."
Lauren couldn't help the blush that spread across her cheeks once the kiss broke. Camila had some way of drawing the most intense feelings out of her, and she was left breathless each time.
"And you..." Lauren whispered, reaching out and cupping Camila's cheek. "You're constantly giving me more reasons to fall in love with you. Every single day."
"Can you sing?" Camila whispered, meeting Lauren's eyes hopefully. The green eyed girl leaned in, planting a soft kiss on Camila's lips before she pulled away.
"Only for you."
--
a/n: wow.
i don't even know what to say lol but hopefully it lived up to your expectations! green will be up within the next few days so keep an eye out for that. if you follow me on twitter you'll definitely know when it's posted, and i'll also post a reminder at the end of this book so if you have it in your library you'll know.
thank you eternally for the continued support. i love you all so so so much and thank you for putting up with me and my plot twists and whatnot. be nice to yourselves. i love you endlessly.
- lena (lenajfc on twitter, forbrighterskies on tumblr)