Written: March 22, 2024
I wake up to a bright fluorescent light above my head. My eyes are fatigued and blurry.
Am I finally dead? Is this what it feels like?
The bright light above my head is blinding to me, and I find myself squinting and trying to focus my vision. My eyes are fatigued and blurry, as if I've only just woken up from a long sleep. The walls are white, and in the corner of my eyes I see that there are monitors that are attached to me. I try to lift my head, but my body feels too weak and disoriented to even keep it up on its own.
"Shhh... shh... it's okay..." I hear someone whisper near me-it sounds like South's voice. I try to focus my blurred vision on him, seeing his face hovering over me. It feels like I'm in a daze, and I try to clear my head and calm my mind, but the feeling is surreal and disorienting.
"You're fine, I'm here..." The sound of South's soothing voice calms me a bit, and I feel myself relax a bit. My mind is still foggy and hazy, but at least I know I'm in good hands. As my brain tries to figure out the situation, I try to take in more of my surroundings. I can see the white walls around me, the monitors hooked up to me... this is a hospital, right?
If I'm not dreaming, then my attempt failed. South is here with me in what looks exactly like a hospital. Slowly, my senses begin to return. I feel my hands in South's warm ones. I smell the sharpness of antiseptic waft by, and I hear the whirring of the machines.
"You're okay, just relax..." I hear South whisper again, his voice filling me with comfort and reassurance. I try to relax, letting my body and mind slow down and letting South's presence be calming to my mind. I inhale deeply and exhale slowly, trying to take in the moment as I look around the hospital room.
South sighs deeply. "I influenced this, didn't I?"
"H-Huh?" I say slowly, my ears prickling up at his words. I felt like he said something, but was I hallucinating? "I-Influenced what?"
South chokes up and gently wraps his arms around me. "Th-the attempt." He croaks. My eyes widen as it registers what he was actually saying-he thinks that he influenced my 'attempt'? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The guilt and grief in his voice... it was too much to handle. Without thinking, I instinctively tighten my grip on his body and bury my head into his shoulder.
"N-No!" I said frantically, trying to get out words that were jumbled and incoherent. "It-it's n-not your fault..." I try to get my mind to process what just happened, but it feels like it was all just a fever dream that I've finally woken up from. "Don't th-think that."
My heart shatters and drops to my stomach. The heavy feeling of guilt and remorse overtake me. The darkness casts over my face, but then I get a little suspicious...
South had always been a good actor. He can mask his emotions and bend his demeanor to fit the mold everyone's cut out for him. I can't help but wonder if he's just pretending to be so upset.
That didn't make sense. Why would he see it as his fault? The thought of this being some sort of act flashed by my mind again, but this time I couldn't help but shake off the feeling. South's reactions and words just felt so genuine this time around. I'd never seen him like this before, I knew that he could act out any role with ease, but this... this seemed so real.
South plays with my hair, his warm hands wandering around my scalp. "You scared me so much, Oki." South admits shakily. "When I told Japan, she slapped me so hard."
"Why?"
"She didn't want to believe it. She knew her assumptions about you were right, but it all felt like a cruel joke." He says while holding onto me tightly. I feel small and ashamed of myself. Had I really caused all of this? He was still playing his fingers through my hair, the warmth of his touch comforting and soothing to me. I let out a small sob into his body, my chest heaving and starting to ache. It was hard for me to process it all, and my grief started flooding back into my mind with the new information he told me.
"Shh, it's going to be okay." South reassures. "All the poision has been taken out of your blood. Now, we wait for a doctor to remove the needle and we can go home."
Hearing this, I felt so much relief coursing through my veins. I was feeling safe and comfortable as I was wrapped in South's comforting embrace, but when he said this my body relaxed even more. The poison had been taken out of my blood already? Was that why I felt so fuzzy and disoriented? But even better, I would be going home soon... with South. The thought filled my heart with joy, a small smile even curving on my lips.
"North will be so happy to see you." South ruffles my hair and pulls away.
"R-Really?" I ask softly, but as he ruffles my hair and pulls away, I feel a wave of guilt washing over me again. "I mean..." I glance back at the medical equipment hooked to me once more, remembering how scared I was before. "I tried to... you know..."
"You know how he is. He will be a little angry and might slap you into next week for your stupidity, but he still loves you and will be more relieved than mad." South gingerly places a kiss on my forehead.
I giggle softly at the image of South describing how North would react to finding out. It was actually so comical, but also kind of realistic at the same time as well. It seemed like all of my emotions were a roller coaster today, going through every feeling known to man. Suddenly, thoughts of Australia and Habu Babu cross my mind.
"Is Habu Babu okay?" I ask. South Korea shudders. "He's still in your room. I fed him before coming here." An amused smile tugs on the corners of my lips.
"H-He's still there?" I ask, raising an eyebrow curiously as my mind starts to wonder what Habu Babu would still be doing in my room. When South mentioned that he fed Habu Babu before coming to see me, I couldn't help but smile and chuckle at the thought. I couldn't wait to see the little guy in person again once I got out.
"And Australia?" I ask.
"Your partner in crime has been worried sick. When he saw North look so meek and unwilled, he knew something was wrong." South answers. "You have some explaining to do when you see him at school tomorrow." My brother chuckles. "Maybe even make out to express your sorrow."
"Hey!" I shove South off me, the heat rising in my cheeks. "P-Perish the thought...." I mumble sheepishly as my cheeks heat up from the sudden blush that came over me. South was still chuckling as I pushed him off, and as he leaned back, I saw a teasing glimmer spark in his eyes as he watched my reaction.
"You have a lot waiting for you at home, Oki: China stole all your socks to honor your memory and photogenic feet; Taiwan, Japan, and North are all prepared to slap some sense into you while crying rivers; and Australia...he's scared. Very scared. Please make out."
The sudden teasing and taunting coming from South caught me off guard, and I felt my cheeks starting to heat up with embarrassment once again. I couldn't believe that Japan, North, and even Australia were all so worried about me that they'd react in such a way-although, I shouldn't be surprised by Japan because she was prone to slapping some sense into me on occasion. But what had scared Australia so badly that he was afraid for me? And... was South seriously asking me to make out with Australia as some sort of "I'm sorry" gesture?
I pull South back into the hug, almost happy I'd survived. In a state of pure disbelief, I wrap my arms around South once again, feeling his warm body embrace me and fill my heart with joy and relief. Despite the amount of emotions swirling around in my mind, I was simply glad that I was alive and okay. I couldn't even process that I had been the one to cause all of this worry and panic-I just felt grateful that I was feeling some semblance of calm.
_______
The door creaks as South and I enter the silent house. "North is in his room." South whispers. "Japan's shift ends later." I nod and cautiously approach North's room. There was a buzz of energy in the air. It was almost suffocating. Feelings of grief and rage mingled into one. The door to North's room was cracked just the tiniest bit open.
I peek inside. Paperwork is scattered across the floor, furniture toppled and displaced. Glass shards twinkle in the light filtered through the window. Clothes are rumpled and slammed against random corners. At my feet, is North's eyepatch, sitting lonely on the ground. My fingers trace over the firey red star, when I hear something unusual. I slide the door open to reveal more. The entire room is destroyed, and in the farthest corner, North sits on his knees, sobbing as if he would die if he didn't.
My breath hitches as I take in the sight of North's destroyed room, feeling my heart wrench with the sight of him sobbing in the corner of it. It was so surreal to see such a normally stoic and cold person so shaken and devastated... he was usually the one who was quick to lash out when angry and upset, but at this moment he just looked so small and vulnerable. He hadn't even noticed me as I walked in and took in the scene, so I decided to walk over to him quietly and stand next to him.
"I-It-It's all my-my fa-fault." His voice is barely audible. It was so strained and twisted in raw pain. A shaky sob escaped him. "I-If I wasn't so-so stupid, s-so b-bl-blind..." My arms reach out for North and hesitantly holds him in a tight hug. I can feel the guilt emanate from him. North jolts up, sitting straight. He violently forces himself away from me before taking a look and diving deeper into the ocean of tears he'd created for himself. It was painful.
I was speechless as I watched the way North violently pulled himself away from me, still crying and shaking in anguish. The guilt emanated from him so strongly, it was almost unsettling to see the way it seemed to consume him. It made me realize just how heavily he was affected by my 'attempt'... so much so that it made his heart ache even now. As he dives deeper into his own grief and pain, I want to cry more myself, but a part of me is also afraid to touch him again.
Slowly, I reach my arms out for him to hug. North growls and lunges at me. I freeze as I feel the sudden shift from North's sorrow and grief-stricken state to one of rage and aggression. He lunges at me, growing so furious that I couldn't help but flinch from the sheer amount of rage and fury that was coming off of him. I felt so defenseless and weak in his grip, knowing that he could lash out at any given moment if I move wrongly. He's going to break me next.
He wraps his arms around me tighter, his body pressed right up against mine as his rage was only growing the longer I remained in his arms. He was so upset and angry; I could feel his emotions through the way his breath was growing shallow and erratic. My body shivered involuntarily as the sense of danger continued to grow, but I had no option but to stay put and hope that he would calm down eventually.
"You are so stupid." North hissed before kissing the top of my head. "Do you have any idea how worried I was?"
My body loosened as North started to calm down slightly, his tone shifting to a more calm, comforting one. As he kissed the top of my head, I felt a surge of warmth in my core. I had no clue how worried he had been about me... but hearing the words, made my jaw drop in disbelief. He was really that worried that he kept thinking of my 'attempt'? He cared that much about what had happened to me?
"I-I didn't mean anything I said." North confessed in the most vulnerable voice I'd ever heard him in. "I-I shouldn't have gotten mad at you and said those things." Hearing his words, I felt my eyebrows furrowing and my breath quickening. His voice had become so vulnerable and soft, so different from his usual hard exterior. It was surreal to understand the amount of guilt and shame he was carrying with him right now. His words were starting to affect me as well, since I felt a small tear escape my eye once again as I heard his apology.
My arms tighten around North. He pulls me down to sit with him, his head buried in my shoulder. "I'm glad you're alive, and I couldn't be more proud to be known as your older brother."
I felt myself choking up as he pulled me down and buried his head into my shoulder. The sudden tenderness and affection he was giving off took me by surprise, especially because it was so unexpected. It was a pleasant surprise though, as I felt my hands tighten around him as well. Hearing the words that he was proud to be my older brother made me feel like crying again, but this time, I managed to stay strong. I let him have his moment, allowing him to say whatever he needed to.
"W-When I saw you pale in South's lap, I j-just lost control." He choked out between breaths. "I was so scared I was gonna end up seeing you in a coffin or the morgue..." The sound of his voice was so broken, so filled with raw fear, I felt my heart start to ache even more hearing the words. I couldn't even process how terrified he really was, and the thought of my 'attempt' affecting a lot of people this way made me feel even more ashamed than before.
"Fuck, I'm an idiot." North hissed. "I love you, and I have never once genuinely thought of you as an obstacle." I froze, those words hitting my heart like a ton of bricks. My heart was being squeezed so hard, I felt like I was going to cry all over again. Did North really think so highly of me? Had he never considered the times when he had snapped at me because he was frustrated? Or when he lashed out at me because he had a bad day? Had he never thought of me as a nuisance at all?
"I wish I could start over. I failed Amma. I failed you."
"No. No you didn't." I respond. "Amma appreciates you. You handle yourself better than, well, at lease better than Otō did."
Hearing those words, my heart was squeezed even harder than before. I couldn't help but feel like he might burst into tears once more. The guilt that he was feeling was so heavy that I felt like crying as well. But the way he had phrased it, sounded like he was regretting everything he had done, wishing that he could start over and have a new beginning with me. But... I also noticed the reference to our late mother. "You didn't fail anyone. Not Amma or me."
North sighed, rubbing his eyes. He looked at me with his good eye, adoration evident in his gaze. Feeling his gaze upon me, my heart started fluttering again, and I felt my cheeks heat up with a blush. Having him look at me with such adoration was such an unreal experience, considering his usual stoic exterior. However, my thoughts were interrupted by the sudden feeling of him reaching up and gently kissing the top of my head again, causing my chest to ache with a bittersweet warmth.
"Once Japan is done lecturing you this evening, we can break into China and Taiwan's to steal your socks back." North says before retreating back to his room to clean it. I was stunned by the sudden suggestion, unable to believe that North was being so playful right now after what had happened earlier. His previous rage was no longer present, as he made plans of breaking into China and Taiwan's rooms to steal my socks back. The teasing in his tone was clear as day, but it made me laugh softly and smile just the same.
A wave of euphoria overcomes me, my spirits-well, Amma's spirit-slightly raised. Maybe I can do this. Maybe, I'm not useless. Maybe, I'll find my mabui somewhere along the way. Maybe, I'll even get my socks back from China.
AYE AYE AYE I'M YOUR LITTLE BUTTERFLY!
ABOUT TO DELETE THE LAST CHAPTER'S AUTHOR'S NOTE AND ACSEND INTO THE SKY!
AYE AYE AYE I'M YOUR LITTLE BUTTERFLY!
I BET YOU'RE GLAD THAT OKI DIDN'T DIE