Chapter 19: Rollercoaster.
"It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me."
Sylvia Plath-
"Go away."
"But I want to help you, since you wouldn't let Felix do it!" he's still walking a little behind me, catching his breath because he ran to make sure I didn't disappear, or so he's blabbered.
I don't stop or slow down, just sigh heavily. Today has already been exhausting enough, I don't need him to make it worse. "If I didn't let Felix, what makes you think I'd let you?"my tone comes off harder than I expected, I have to admit, but at this point I couldn't care less.
I just want him to go away and let me breathe. His stare on the back of my head following me everywhere I went all morning was already suffocating enough.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asks. His tone, contrary to my annoyed one, is ever so effervescent, just like all of him.
The way his skin feels against my wrists when he grabs one to make me stop walking evoques memories from the past. His touch always makes me recall the undying love I had for him as a child. It feels like butterflies have started roaming my skin, starting where my flesh touches him and accelerating my heartbeat. I meet his eyes, a bit reluctant because I already know I'll get lost in them.
A warm gaze, like looking at the sun on a cloudless summer day, radiates out from those eyes. Like a pool of honey, golden memories of happier times are all I can see when those eyes lay upon me, or when I take time to look long enough. I can't help but find myself drawn to those eyes, the more I look, the more I feel as though I'm being transported back to a beautiful memory of happier, simpler times.
I look away. I'm a man on a mission, these distractions are slowing me down too much. Soonbok and Hyerin, her friend, are probably waiting and I also need to cook for them when I get home. There are too many things to do, I can't allow myself to get lost in Jisung's eyes, in the memories of our past.
I snatch my arm away. "Why won't you let anyone help you?"
His question is innocent, doesn't mean anything bad, but I take it personal for some reason. Is he implying I'm weak? What does he even know about me, my life? He disappeared for years and now wants to play best buddies again when he knows nothing about me anymore.
Jisung is forcing his help onto me without me wanting so. The telltale repeats once more and he hasn't asked how I feel about anything.
He never considers my feelings.
"I don't need anyone's help, much less yours. Stop trying to be my hero or my best friend, Jisung. Stop trying to pretend like nothing happened, like just because you apologized I'm suddenly okay with everything you do." my tone is harsh. I'm exhausted. Maybe I can't think straight, I just want Jisung out of my life again.
This is what I was talking about before, the emotional instability he brought with him into my life.
I can see his eyes widen, his mouth slightly parted and his eyebrows furrowing. Kind of solemnly, he says "I'm trying to make things right."
"No, I think you just want to feel better about yourself, that's why you keep pushing after I tell you to stop. I asked you for space and you're giving anything but." maybe I'm being too honest, maybe I'm being too harsh.
I just want him to leave me alone, please. I can't handle this emotional rollercoaster anymore.
"I- That's not-"
"Goodbye, Jisung. I need to go." I turn around and leave him there, hoping that he stops following me.
I look at the time on my phone and speed up my pace once I realized I'll be late. I internally curse myself out.
It takes me fifteen minutes to get there. Soonbok is waiting patiently looking left and right with another girl a bit behind her, Hyerin, I assume.
When Bokkie's eyes meet mine and I wave, she starts running up to me.
"Minmin!" she shouts, jumping into my arms and giggling. Her sweet laughter calms the anger I had while walking here. "I missed you so much!"
I squish her between my arms and start spinning while telling her how much I've missed her too. "Is that your friend?" I ask, pointing with my chin to the shy girl that's waiting for the welcome hug to end.
Soonbok nods her head with a big smile. I let her down and tell their teacher, that's at the gate with some other children, that I'll be taking them home. She's been informed by Aera so she waves me goodbye and wishes me good luck.
"Okay, so introductions first, ladies." I tell them, kneeling down to their level. "I'll go first. Hello, my name's Minmin and it's so very nice to meet you."
"Me next, me next!" beams my little girl, a proud smile on her lips. "Hello! I'm Soonbok, nice to meet you!" she bows and my heart screams 'cute' in every language existing.
I pat her brown hair. "Good girl, Bokkie!" I praise her. The other girl shyly bows and mumbles something I can't hear. I take her tiny hand on mine and she looks at me. I smile to reassure her. "There's nothing to be scared off, Hyerin. Me and Soonbok will take good care of you and we'll all have so much fun together."
She smiles, loosening up a little. "Hello, my name is Hyerin, but Bokkie calls me Rin."
Her voice is sweet and calm, contrary to my girls energetic one.
"So very nice to meet such a great girl as you, Rin."
Soonbok suddenly starts smiling and jumping. She screams something about how happy she is that her best friends have become best friends too. She's too cute for this world.
"Okay, now hands!" I say, taking my hands out so they can each hold one as we walk back to my house.
They oblige with smiles and Soonbok starts telling me about her day. Hyerin joins at her stories too, since they pretty much spent the morning together.
"We fought the giant evel T-Rex with our Barbies, Min! They were driving monster trucks!" Soonbok tells.
Hyerin nods in approval and I gasp, asking them how did they manage to win to such a scary T-Rex. "It was because my Barbie used her anti-t-rex magic!" explains the blonde little girl.
I hum. "So cool!"
"Yeah! And, Minmin, do you know that Hyerin and I are going to get married?" Soonbok says.
The other kid nods her head with a smile. "Because teacher said that she's getting married and that people that love each other get married."
"Am I invited to the wedding?" I ask. We're nearly reaching my house now.
Both girls laugh and nod their heads. I thank them and express how happy I am for them.
After Soonbok thinks for some time, she blurts out "We're getting married at your house!"
This girl is going to be the death of me.
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song: this could be my last song
(frank watkinson)