•:I'm Still In Charge Princess:•
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"Where'd you get those?" I ask Aria as she drops her stuff on the table, ripping open a box before pulling out a brand new pair of headphones. "Rafe" she mumbles, not bothering to explain. My brows draw together as I flip through the bags she brought in, shampoo, conditioner, body wash..and not the cheap kind..
A bunch of other cosmetic stuff..the other bags stuffed with a bunch of food. What the hell..
I glance up as Haley comes waddling in the door dragging a bag along with her, a new doll I've never seen before tucked under her arm. I watch as she dumps the bag out and a bunch of toys spill out on the floor. More dolls.. play dough, plastic food, those ridiculous plastic high heels she wears, a tiara, another package of some sort of blue horse.. "Rafe bought me toys!" She squeals excitedly, bouncing around in a circle before plopping down on her butt..hissing at the package before ripping it open as I stand confused.
What the hell?
"Where is Rafe?" I ask immediately being shushed by my six year old sister.. "I cannot be bothered at this time" she tells me, throwing her hand up before continuing to tear the box open. I shake my head, stepping over the mess she made before walking outside. Seeing Rafe as he pulls Haley's car seat out of his truck. Some odd thump feeling hits my chest as I watch him. Admiring the way his muscles flex when he lifts the car seat up, before walking towards me.
"You guys had an eventful day.." I mumble, catching an odd look in his eyes. He says nothing, only pushes past me making my stomach fall..Are we back to this?
"Uhm excuse me" I say as he sets Haley's car seat down inside the door. "What?" He sighs, moving back outside as if he can't fathom even being around me. "You never buy me anything" I tell him sarcastically, crossing my arms over my chest. Searching for any sort of softness in his eyes, any speck of of anything but find nothing. Nothing but his same cold, outer shell, dancing with his regular irritated demeanor. "Well that's because you don't deserve it" he tells me flatly, his words don't even come with a taunting grin or smirk..they're just cold.
"Well fuck you too!" I shout at him as he climbs in his truck before slamming the door and speeding off. My automatic defense to spit fire at whoever is an ass to me fades the second he's out of the driveway.
My stomach falls and I feel a nauseating weigh fill my chest, crushing me. Feeling much like a disappointed little kid, having hope for something and then having them ripped apart. I opened up to him and this is how he acts? Not even the dry humor part of him I've gotten to know but just his regular mean self..
I knew better than to open up to him. My conscience told me he was only asking to dig in deeper. Find pieces of me he could exploit and use against me. But the tiny flicker of hope in me and whatever that feeling was that swallowed me in warmth made me feel like I could. Only pricing that you should always listen to the survival instincts in you over hope.. The alarms to protect myself went off but I ignored them in hope I wouldn't need to protect myself because he would.. how fucking delusional was that?
—Rafe—
"Stay just a little longer" Serena says, sliding her hand up my shoulder and I feel her breath on my neck making me want vomit..her hands on me, her attempts to keep me in her bed and be seductive are revolting. "Get off" I growls, throwing my arm back and ripping away from her as I stand and pull my jeans on. "Oh don't be that way, you keep coming back for more" she sits up completely naked and I roll my eyes. Finding myself completely unamused by her and her naked body. "That's because you're easy" I tell her flatly but she only smirks, pulling her lip between her teeth as if that was a compliment. I'm quite used to the women I sleep with letting me say and do whatever I want. Or losing any form of self respect if it means I'll fuck them.
Except Alilia. Even with the way I treated her, some of the degrading things I've said to her..she'd still fucking lose it if I said something like that to her or smart off and run her mouth. She doesn't fall at my feet begging to be used like the rest of them.
Sure she turns into a fucking submissive mess when I am fucking her but that's different.
Serena doesn't hold a fucking candle to Alilia. Nobody does. I knew it wouldn't be satisfying..to fuck anyone after I've had Lily.
I knew from the first time I was inside of her that fucking anyone else had been ruined. Despite my attempts to make her feel humiliated, make her think she didn't feel good..Nobody would feel like her, and nobody fucking does.
I yank my shoes on before grabbing my keys, ignoring Serena whining like a fucking child as I make my way down her stairs. Ignoring the looks from whoever the fuck is seated around her table.
I slam my door, turning my engine over and it roars to life before I slam the pedal to the floor.
I couldn't wrap my head around the way I felt after Aria told me about the accident. Or the way I felt when Lily told me about what he father did. It was too fucking much to take in all at fucking once.
And I couldn't for the fucking life of me understand the way it made my chest physically feel like it was being weighed down, or made my stomach turn like it was being tied in fucking knots making me feel like I might have to pull over and vomit.
The anger, the sinking feeling of nausea, the tightness in my throat and the way my adrenaline rose.
All of it twisting in some fucking mixture making me want to smack my fucking head against a wall relentlessly.
Hearing that she almost fucking died..she came so fucking close to losing her life made me want to fucking see her, touch her. Picturing it happening in my head as Aria told me made my brain want confirmation she was alive. Even though I had just fucking seen her that morning and the accident was over a year ago.
I don't get it. I don't fucking understand how she makes me feel and I don't fucking like it. I've been shoving it down, pushing it away. Pushing her away to keep it from flooding in but hearing her tell me what her father did, trusting me with it, hearing about the accident..It all drowned in and rose whatever it is that I feel to the surface, wrapped around me like vines and suffocating me.
I needed to get rid of it. And history will prove I have two methods of dealing with shit.
Beating something or someone until my knuckles bleed.
Or fucking someone.
I chose the less violent option. I had hopes having sex with someone else would take my mind off of her but it didn't. I could only imagine it was her I was fucking. Hear her moan and whimper in my head, drowning out Serena. Pretend it was Lilys hands sliding all over me. It was Lilys lips against mine. I stopped her when she tried to push things towards getting me to go down on her.
That's one thing I won't do again. I'll eat Lily out like it's my last fucking meal and if I never saw her again, I'd never do it again. Even that seems more intimate sometimes then fucking. It almost makes me want to fucking vomit knowing the about of girls I have done that too..before Alilia.
I've never craved someone the way I do her. Her taste, the softness of her lips when I kiss her. The sound of her breathing, the way she smells.
Fuck
I put my pedal to the floor, ripping around a corner too fast. After the withdrawals I didn't have the urge to do cocaine again. But feeling like this and not knowing why the fuck I do has me wishing I hadn't quit, if I hadn't I could snort this fucking shit the fuck away.
—Alilia—
"Are you going to Rafe's?" Haley asks looking up at me, twisting her fingers together. Her eyes round with hope. Absolutely gutting me. She loves him..I don't understand why but she does and he seems to like her too. And apparently Aria some he took them fucking shopping. I was happy that they got new things. I wouldn't expect him to do that for me but it still stung when he said I didn't deserve it. Especially after what I told him.
I'll never understand why the people in my life only ever seem to want to hurt me. But I suppose I don't disagree, I don't deserve that or anything else. I took my best friends lives..how could I?
"I'm going to Sarah's" I correct her watching her expression fall and she pouts her lip. "Okay" she mumbles before going back to sitting on the living room floor, playing with the toys he bought her.
It's been almost a week since I've seen him after he dropped Aria and Haley off.
I haven't tried to text him but he hasn't sent me any either.
I don't get it..The way touched me, reassuring me I was okay while I told him about my dad.
The way he held me after, with his arms around me like he could pull me close enough. I woke up the next morning with this feeling in my chest that reminded me of when I was fourteen and had my first boyfriend. Waking up the day after we kissed for the first time. Like my heart was just spilling red hearts and happiness. Nothing could bring me down, I was filled with warmth and fuzzies.
It felt like that..only it was from hope. Hope I let sneak in and take the wheel. And hope is wrong every time.
••••••••••••••
"Do you think this is too much?" Sarah asks, pulling up a picture of some balloon atrocity on her phone.
She offered to help the island club plan midsummers..I can't fathom why she'd want to but whatever makes her happy!
"It looks like it's more for a birthday party" I tell her and she nods. "That's what I was thinking" she tells me.
I told her a little bit about Rafe being an ass which wasn't exactly news..Mostly because I was trying to slyly ask if she knew anything about what he's been doing in the fucking week he's been ignoring me. But she didn't..I don't blame her for not caring what he does. I don't care! I don't..
It's just a bit aggravating to be ignored especially after you show someone the most vulnerable parts of your past. "Lily?"
"Huh?" I jump, shaking my head. I hadn't realized I was zoning out. Meeting Sarah's eyes as she smirks before playfully rolling her eyes. "Talk to me" she says, dropping her phone and pulling my hands into hers. I look down, feeling her brush her thumbs softly over my fingers. "Do you like him?" She asks and my eyes snap to hers, looking at her like she's nuts. "What? No" I shake my head. I don't..how could I? After everything he's done to me..The way he's treated me and even despite all of that. I cut myself off of having feelings like that for anyone a long time ago.
"No I don't I just..it's infuriating sometimes the way he makes me feel and I don't understand it" I tell her, dropping my eyes. "And what's that feel like?" She asks her voice soft as she holds my hands.
I chew on my lip trying to think of words to describe it but it's hard. It's not something I can really say, only feel and that's what so frustrating. How can you possibly understand something if you can't even speak its language?
"I don't know..when he's being nice I feel safe with him I guess. I want him around, and sometimes I guess this overwhelming warmth in my chest and I don't want him to leave and when I think about someone else even touching him I just see red..and when he does shit like this, ignores me its infuriating.." I explain, my words falling into almost a whisper. Looking up after a minute and meeting her gaze, a smirk plastered on her lips as I furrow my brows wondering what that look is for. "What?"
She sucks in a deep breath, raising her brows before clearing her throat. "Well if I put it in Lily language..it's probably just the sex after shocks" she tells me and I roll my eyes. "I think you..care about him" she tells me like there's something else she wants to say but refrains. "Which is fine Lily..you can admit you do. It's only natural after spending so much time with someone" she shrugs and I nod. Although I will refuse to admit that..maybe I care about what he does but I don't care about him..
I hug Sarah goodbye, I hadn't realized it was almost eight. I was planning on walking home before it got dark but time got away from me..
I close Sarah's door behind me stepping out into the hallway before moving towards the stairs. Feeling something etch and pry at the back of my skull as I pause..chewing on my lip before looking over my shoulder and back at Rafe's door.
Giving in a second later and quietly walking up to it, pressing my ear against the door and listening. Almost feeling my heart jump with excitement and adrenaline rush through me when I hear the shower running. If it's unlocked it may just be fate that I go in.
My fingertips shake as I curl them around the handle, my breath almost catching in my throat when it turns and I push if open. Quietly closing it behind me as I feel like I'm committing a master crime or something. My nose being filled with his scent making butterflies buzz around my stomach.
I look around the room..wondering what I'm doing now. What did I have planned once I got in here? I could sneak up behind him and drown him in the shower..Although I'm more than certain that would end in me being drowned instead.
My eyes glance around searching for something but I don't know what..
Landing on his phone, so vulnerably plugged in on his nightstand. I could just take a peak, maybe get some insight into something and get out before he catches me. I know I shouldn't..I really shouldn't but I do a lot of things I shouldn't..
I tip toe over to it, snatching it up. Almost shocked when I flick my finger over the screen and it opens right up..He doesn't have a password? Freak
I open up texts, seeing Liam's is the most recent, clicking on it and scanning them but not finding anything useful.
I click off, seeing Topper, Kelce, other names I don't know..feeling heat rise under my skin when I see a name I do know..Serena
My thumb shakes like it's having a seizure as I press on her name, almost feeling as if I might pass out with the amount of anger that consumes me, heating my cheeks and making it hard to breathe.
Last night was fun, I need you inside of me again
He slept with her..last night? I scroll through the very short thread of texts between them seeing last night wasn't the first time in the last week.
I'm so consumed in the rage flooding through me that I didn't hear the water turn off.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I hear him growl and I turn around, seeing him in the doorway of the bathroom, dressed in grey sweatpants and shirtless, droplets of water still speckled around his skin. Glistening off of his abs. "You slept with her?" I ask, my chest heaving up and down from his fucking angry I am as he stalks towards me. "Did you not just fucking read that I did?" He asks low, harshly ripping his phone from my hands. "You have no fucking right to go through my shit Alilia" he growls, his eyes filled with a coldness as he watches me. Feeling lightheaded, as if all of my energy is being utilized in a burning hot swirling anger in my chest, on the verge of blurring my fucking vision. "Look how worked up you are" he smirks but the ice in his eyes remains. "Did you really think this was exclusive? That you'd be the only one I fuck just because you told me so? You don't make the rules here" he tells me. Each one of his words cutting through me like knives, hot scalding knives, laced with gasoline that only erupt bigger, deeper flames, spreading through my body making my hands shake and my breath falter, red flashes behind my eyes as something deep and dark falls in my stomach. He steps closer to me until I have to look up at him, feeling the heat of his body but it's nothing compared to the temperature of my anger. "I'm still in charge princess" he tells me, his voice low, laced with venom and ice.
I can't comprehend it fast enough, I'm only pulled from cesspool of anger when my palm connects with his face, sending a burning sting through my skin with a loud smack that hits my ears like a gunshot going off. Feeling my eyes widen as I watch him. His eyes shut as he swallows..clenching his jaw so hard it makes the muscle flex before he turns his face back. Fear being the only thing strong enough to drown out my anger as I wait for what he'll do. His eyes need mine filled with nothing but seething rage.
Never have I seen such a look in his eyes..and never have I been more afraid of what it means. "Fucking leave..right..fucking..now" he breathes, his voice almost hoarse from his angry he is as his chest begins to rise and fall.
I'm not sure at what point I started running or if I was the entire time. I just knew the only thing that stops me is the burn in my lungs, being deprived of air finally halts me to a stop and I drop my hands against my knees, gasping. I must be practically halfway home, I'm the middle of the dark street. Filled with nothing but just that..darkness. Darkness and the sound of my own ragged breathing.
I didn't mean to slap him..it wasn't a thought I had, I didn't contemplate it. It was merely a reaction. A reaction of my own anger that I only became aware of when I felt the pain in my hand. I've never felt anger like that before, pure rage that suffocated me and made me lose my ability to think.
He slept with her..he slept with someone else and as painfully angry as it makes me there's no good enough reason for me to feel this way. It's not like we're in a fucking relationship but the thought..my god the thought of her hands on him, touching his skin, feeling his muscles. Tasting his mouth, his lips on her, feeling him inside of her. A gag chokes up my throat and I begin coughing so hard my eyes water, trying to drag myself along the rest of the way home. He was amused with my reaction, thrilled with it. The look in his eyes like he'd just been proved to be a mastermind.
He wanted to hurt me, he wanted to gut me and he did.
The way he said my full name..He always did and I didn't mind it, in fact I liked hearing him say it more than anyone else but I started getting used to the way my nickname sounded on his tongue. The way he'd say it so softly like he did the other night..but it was gone. Any softness..anything even close was just gone. Replaced with ice and and darkness even the devil wouldn't want to touch.
It hurts, it hurts and I don't know why. I don't care about him, but oh god the pain in my chest certainly feels like I do.
Heavy and crushing my lungs, I only find the strength to kick my shoes off before I yank my drawer open, not giving it a second thought before I grab the baggy of crushed oxy and my lighter.
—Rafe—
I'm pulled from whatever the fuck sleep I started to fall into. My phone buzzing off the fucking night stand. It's been days since Alilia went through my phone and lost her mind..days since I lost mine..
I knew she'd be angry if she found out and that's what I wanted. I wanted to make her so unbelievably angry that she'd never want to even look at me again. I wanted to ensure that if she felt anything similar to whatever the hell I feel at all, that her anger would kill it. I wanted her to hate me..anything to diminish this goddamn feeling in my chest when I'm with her..until it happened. I could see the faint glimmer of pain in her eyes, masked by the burning red flames in them. I knew she'd be angry but I didn't expect her to look at me like a wounded animal before it was gone and all I saw was her rage.
And I certainly didn't expect her to fucking slap me.
So she does hit..
I don't bother looking at the number before pulling my phone to my ear. "What?" I growl wondering what the fuck has someone waking me up at whatever fucking hour it is. My ear is filled with distant sounds of crying, someone shouting and rustling. "What the fuck?" I snap, pulling it from my ear and seeing it's Alilias number. "Rafe? Help!" a voice says, filled with fear and desperation. But it isn't Alilia, it's Aria..
Hey guys! So..I know..I know! I'm sorry. I was angry with Rafe while writing it😂😭 I promise he redeems himself in the next chapter. Please please trust the process. He's almost through his Rafeness.
What do you think is happening? Why is Aria calling Rafe? And no it's not because Lily overdosed if that's what you were thinking.......It's something worse.. ha..ha
I just know how much you guys love cliffhangers 😂😭
I promise promise, he gets better! I hope you don't stop reading!
Let me know what you think! I love reading all your comments and feedback!
Thanks so much for reading💗