•:I Don't Think You Want To Know:•
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
An overwhelming surge of panic violently pulls me from my sleep. My eyes snap open and I sit up, feeling my breath catch in my throat as panic fills me. Kade..is he here? I instinctively throw my hands up trying to protect myself. Feeling pressure wrap around them.
"Relax it's me" a deep voice says. A familiar deep voice. The sound of his tone hits my ears, flooding in and coating my nerves. Softening my pulse and slowing down the adrenaline that started to pump through me, reacting to my brains response to I don't even know what and send me into a panic.
"Rafe" I breathe, feeling my breath start to catch up with my lungs, meeting his gaze as he stares down at me in the dark. Releasing my wrists that he caught before I could smack him in my half asleep panic. I'll never get over that..my beak will never allow me to not be frightened awake at any movement or noise. If I'm not awoken that way then I wake up screaming from some awful nightmare about my father; thinking it's real.
"Where did you go?" I ask as he climbs back into my bed beside me. "Bathroom" he mumbles, lying down, putting his one arm behind his head and draping the other over his abs, shutting his eyes.
His long dark lashes framing them. He's so beautiful.
I reach around for my phone, seeing it's two am.
I lie back down, pressing my cheek against the pillow, still feeling my heart rate trying to return to normal. My eyes move over to Rafe, watching how peaceful me looks as he sleeps. I wish I could sleep peacefully, I'm always afraid..every time I close my eyes that my dad will be there when I open them. Or he'll get me..do something to me when I'm asleep and don't have a chance to get away. To run.
Rafe being here takes that away, evidently I still flip out if something startles me awake but at least I know I'm safe to close my eyes. Nobody will come in and mess with me while I'm asleep, not with Rafe here.
I watch the way his chest rises and falls as he breathes. My eyes travel along the muscles in his arms, his huge biceps and sculpted forearms, falling to watch wrapped around his thick wrist. I bet it cost more than our car payment.
Something warm swells in my chest as I watch him, making my fingertips tingle like something triggered my brain to release happy chemicals. It's almost overwhelming, making my head feel fuzzy and an odd calm falls over me like I've taken a muscle relaxer. I don't understand it or know the source of it but I know I've never felt something quite like it and I want more of whatever it is.
Almost feeling like there's a magnetic pull between us and I feel the need to touch him, feel him against me. I fight it for a moment, pulling my lip between my teeth before giving in. Scooting over pushing his arm off of his stomach. "What are you doing?" He asks low, almost sounding irritated.
"I'm laying here and you're not going to tell me I can't" I tell him before lying down. I expect him to push me away but he doesn't..instead he drops his arm from behind his arm and it falls around my shoulder, resting his hand at my waist and butterflies erupt in my stomach like they've just been let out of a cage. The warmth filling my chest again, making my eyelids heavy and I wonder if I forgot I took something and I really am drugged.
I drape my hand over his stomach, sliding it underneath his arm that rests over her abs. Hearing his heartbeat against my ear, finding the source of the feeling..it's him.
"Lily?" He asks, his fingers rubbing small circles on my skin where my shirt rode up. "What did your dad do?" He asks and I feel my stomach turn just at the mention of him. Only my mother, Aria and the pogues know. It's not something I can speak about easily.
I opened up to JJ about it and eventually Kie and Sarah later. John B and Pope only found out when I asked Kie to tell him after waking up screaming at John Bs when they were both there. They wouldn't have understood the brutality to my nightmares if they didn't know.
I don't know why I feel safe telling him but I do. It isn't really something I'm afraid of being passed around town although I rather people not know. It's more speaking about it that makes me afraid. If I talk about it I have to relive it.
"Are you sure you want to know?" I ask, it's heavy. It's not something I think most would choose to know if they could go back to before they did.
"Mhm" he mumbles, his fingers sliding under the waist band of my shorts, rubbing soft motions across my skin.
"He was an alcoholic and heavily into drugs" I tell him, taking in a slow steady breath, trying to match mine to his to keep myself breathing steadily. "Really heavily.." I almost whisper, focusing on his fingers against my skin, trying to slam the doors of memories trying to open..trying to bust off the hinges.
"He was already abusive the drugs made it worse, he'd hit Aria and I often but our mom got the brunt of it" I explain, beginning to fiddle with the fabric of his shirt. Ignoring the way adrenaline starts to flood in. Even speaking of it causes my brain to panic and prepare me if I need to run..even run from the memories. "He knew some bad people, people like Nico" I go on, swearing I can feel the shift in his breath like something I said agitated him. "We never had extra money for him to spend on drugs but he used whatever we had" my voice falters growing closer and closer to the reason for my nightmares, the reason I'm afraid of any and every man that I walk by or meet.
The reason for almost everything that's wrong with me.. Aside from the accident and the damage it did to me.
I will never recover from what he did to me.
"He had disappeared for the day but we didn't care, we liked when he was gone.." I reach for his hand, pulling it closer to me, running my fingers over the cold surface of his watch, feeling the indents of the band against my fingertips. Dragging them back down over his hand before fidgeting with his fingers, pressing mine to them and seeing how much bigger than mine they are.
"I was asleep, I was only nine, he busted into my room and dragged me out of bed..it startled me awake.." I breathe, shutting my eyes and wrapping my fingers around his hand.
"He'd do anything to get his fix" I almost whisper, trying my hardest to fight the memories but I can't, slamming my eyes shut when they come flooding in, like pages flying violently in the wind.
Trying to move closer to him but it's physically impossible, you couldn't slip a piece of paper in between us. As if he can tell he pulls his hand from my grasp, using it to pull my leg over him, running his fingers up and down my thigh softly.
I suck in a deep breath trying to fight the sting starting to burn behind my eyes. "He dragged me to his car, my mother tried to pry me from his arms but he shoved her into the wall and knocked her out.." That deep ache beginning to form in the bottom of my throat, making my vocal cords feel strained. "I don't know exactly where he was taking me, only that he planned to sell me to some men..some dealers that had a drug house somewhere on the cut" I tell him, feeling his breathing become heavier but he says nothing, only listens and that's what I need right now.
"I remember they're hands on me when he dragged me inside to them, grabbing me violently, still in my pajamas..He almost got away with it and he would have" I pause, shutting my eyes again and I press my face against his chest, trying to breathe in his scent, feeling it calm me when the smell of pine and his cologne fills my nose.
My hands shake as I tug at the fabric of his shirt. "Aria ran to one of the neighbors crying, they called the police and found where he took me, they'd been watching him and knew he was making connections with..whoever they were" I tell him, feeling his arm tighten around me, making me feel overwhelmingly safe..I only wish I was this safe from the memories.
"Just by chance.." I breathe. "Just by chance they knew where he might have taken me, they those men were involved in child trafficking and they were..they were taking them as payment in exchange for drugs and my father.." my voice cracks as I blink at the stinging in my eyes before they fill with tears. "Offered me right up.." I barley whisper.
My lips start to quiver and I sit up, burying my face in my hands swiping the tears away. "Lily" he breathes, the shifting before he sits up, pushing the hair off my shoulder before I feel his breath on my neck. "Where is he?" He asks, pulling me to sit between his legs, his hands resting at my waist. "I don't know" I shake my head. Feeling my heart rate slow down just having his hands on me. "He ran" I tell him, feeling his hand slip under my shirt and rest on my stomach, making me shudder at his touch, sinking into him.
A moment of silence falls between, only the sound of his breathing fills my ears, feeling his warm breath on my neck. "Does Haley have a different dad?" He asks after a minute only making nausea creep in as I shake my head. "No..he came back and..paid my mom a visit" I tell him, deciding I can't stomach the details right now but I can tell he understood what I mean by the way his breath pauses against my neck and his knuckles flex against my tummy.
"He hasn't come around in years but I'm afraid he will" I tell him, falling back against the mattress when he shifts, pulling me down next to him. "If he does I'll fucking kill him" he tells me, pressing his forehead against mine, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me into his side. "You'd go to jail" I say, reaching up and playing with the neckline of his shirt, before looking up and meeting his gaze.
His beautiful blue eyes pouring into mine, the moonlight reflecting off of them. Wondering why he's being so soft and calm but deciding not to rack my brain over it right now. He is, he's here, lying with me. I'm in his arms and I never want him to pull away.
"Wouldn't matter if he's dead" he tells me. "I know you're not joking" I tell him. Some odd strong feeling swirling in the middle of my chest, making my heart thump and my stomach fill with warmth yet whatever it is sends a shiver up my spine knowing he isn't joking..he is a thousand percent serious I just don't understand why. Why would he kill someone for me?
"You need to sleep" he tells me, his arm sliding over my hip and resting there. I nestle my face against his chest, listening to his heart and trying to match my breathing to his. Swearing I feel his lips kiss the top of my head but he probably just moved..
—Rafe—
"Did you install this correctly?" Aria asks as I lift Haley into the back seat of my truck. "I guess we'll find out if she goes flying out the window" I tell her flatly and she rolls her eyes. She is so fucking snotty..she's almost worse than Alilia. I should leave her ass here with no ride..Except she's just a fucking smart ass who won't stop running her mouth. Aria is just a typical teenage snot case. Or maybe she has reason to not like me..I'm sure Lily has told her things.
"Can I have your phone?" Haley asks as I slam my door and turn my truck on. "It's dead" she tells hers and my eyes scan the review mirror seeing Haley pout before I sit forward and pull my phone from my pocket, reaching back and handing it to her and she excitedly kicks her legs. "Headphones!" She demands and Aria rolls her eyes before pulling her eye sore of duct taped together wires from her pocket and handing them back to Haley. Those fuckers better not short out my fucking phone.
"You better not be a reckless driver" she tells me as I pull onto the road and flip my blinker on. "Do you want to fucking hitchhike?" I snap at her and she sneers at me. Although as much as I want to I wouldn't leave her on the fucking side of the road. "Maybe"
"Why are you such a snot?"
"Why are you such an asswipe?" She asks, crossing her arms over her chest and putting her foot up. "Don't put your feet on my dash" I tell her through my teeth watching her only glare at me before sticking her foot up on the dashboard and smirking and I roll my eyes. Slightly amused with her.
"I'm not a snot, I just don't like you" she tells me reaching up and shamelessly flipping through the radio stations. My fuck is she not intimidated by me at all?
I'm not fucking used to that.. "That's rude" I tell her. If Haley wasn't in the car I might just slam on my fucking breaks and throw her through the fucking windshield.
"I guess it matches your personality then"
My god..
She flips on some ear drum shattering bullshit as we drive.
My mind traveling off of her and to her sister. Remembering what she told me last night. My jaw starting to ache as I clench it. It was painfully torturous to keep my fucking calm and not lose my shit when she told me what her father did to her. I wanted to ask a million fucking questions and find out just where the fuck he is but I knew as much as it pained me I had to stay calm. She wasn't in a stable enough mindset for me to blow up. Very few times have a I seen her break her mask and be vulnerable and even then every time she has she's quick to cover it up but last night..last night she let her walls down and I could see the blood and screams behind them. I could see where her past stings her most and I fucking hated it. I wanted to erase her fucking memories just to free her of them but I'm not really sure how I'd fucking do that. I'm not sure why I let her talk me into staying over. I was fucking livid when I saw what she had done to my jet ski. I saw nothing but red as I drove to her house, wanting to fucking punish her but I'd never fucking hurt her I just wish she fucking knew that.
And how I got talked into picking Haley and snot face up is beyond me..I still haven't gotten there yet. Why she doesn't drive. I thought it was odd that she'd walk to my house every night..only then I didn't care enough to question it but when she brought it up to me yesterday I could tell there was something there..some sort of angst.
I've been finding myself wanting to know every fucking thing about her and I can't fucking stand it.
"Jesus why don't you squeeze it a little tighter" Arias voice pulls me from my thoughts and I become painfully aware of the ache in my knuckles that have turned white from how fucking hard I was gripping the fucking wheel. My eyes flash to Haley seeing she still has her headphones in and her face buried in my phone before I flip the radio down. "Uhm excuse me" Aria scoffs but I ignore her. "Why doesn't your sister drive?" I ask her bluntly not bothering to beat around the question.
"What?"
"Are you deaf?" I snap and I can feel her give me an eat shit and die look out of the corner of me eye. "Why would I tell you anything about her?"
She asks and I grit my teeth together. I thought some of the shit Wheezie does was insufferable but this one takes the fucking cake. I can't help but wonder what Alilia was like at this lovely age..I can only fucking imagine.
"If I'm driving your ass home, you can answer me"
"Driving us home requires me to spill my sisters business to you?"
"Would you like me to make requirements to entire the fucking vehicle sign?" I ask, glancing over at her as she rolls her eyes. Crossing her arms and shaking her head. "Why do you want to know anyways?" She mutters and I chew on the inside of my lip. Good fucking question even I don't know that one!
"Research project" I tell her flatly. Growing irritated when she doesn't answer me. Glancing over at her and watching her chew on her lip like she's lost in thoughts of something dark. What the fuck happened?
"Aria-"
"She was in a car accident..a few years ago with her two friends. They were coming home from a party and had been drinking but she wasn't" she tells me, over using the word wasn't for some reason. "Someone cut them off and they hit the center divider, it flipped the car on its side" she goes on. "She was fine..she was beat up pretty badly and broke some ribs, had a concussion but she was fine." Her voice becoming soft almost weak as her words fade out, laced with something heavy. "But her friends..they died" she says and I feel something hit the pit of my stomach and realization strikes through me like lightning.
Remembering hearing it on the news, hearing everyone talk about it. Two teenage sisters who were killed in a fatal car accident, the driver survived..
"Those twins.." I say, feeling my vision almost blur and I shake my head diverting my attention back to the road. "That was her?" I ask although it was more of a statement to myself, seeing her nod out of the corner of my eye. "She blames herself" Aria tells me as I try to focus on the road and not the sickening weight in my stomach, realizing how close she came to death makes me want to fucking punch something. Picturing her lifeless against my will and I try to blink the image out of my eyes..I fucking despise how your brain will show you images of the shit you'd pay to never have to see and you can't fucking make it go away.
Feeling like I might fucking vomit.
"She was never the same after that, I didn't lose my sister but in a way I feel like I did" she tells me, finally breaking her sourness and letting her guard down. "She just changed..she was sad, she started doing anything reckless she could, putting herself in danger. She pushed me away when I'd try to help or stop her. It was like she'd seek out anything that might hurt her"
"She got hooked on her pain meds and that's when the drug abuse started..I'm not sure why I'm telling you this" she mumbles, reaching up and wiping her eyes. Trying to hide it.
"Can we go shopping?!" Haley's voice makes us both jump as she practically screams. "No" Aria breathes, putting her hand over her chest. I chew on the inside of my cheek, flipping my blinker on and turning back into the lane to turn into town. Why fucking not? I need something else to fucking think about..
Hey guys! What do you think!
Don't get too comfortable with Rafe! He's getting better but there's still something he might do..........
You'll see in the next chapter.
What do you think? What do you think Lily and Rafe are thinking?
Ps I don't think a gif has ever fit more perfect..hehe
Don't forget to comment and vote! I love reading all your comments! Hope your enjoying and thanks for reading!💗