Chapter 19
Atty. Serrano—I mean Lance—did ask me out. He did as he told me before. We went to dinner. We talked about work for a bit... until he asked me if I wanted to go out with him. Medyo natawa ako nung nagtanong siya kasi para bang business proposal iyong sinabi niya. He was very formal about it—kulang na lang ay bigyan niya ako ng pros at cons list. At kagaya din ng sinabi ko kay Alisha, pumayag ako.
I knew that Lance liked me.
He liked me more than I liked him.
Mas okay siguro iyong ganito na mas gusto ako nung lalaki. Because I'd been on the other side. I tried how it felt nung mas ako iyong may gusto, nung ako iyong mas baliw, nung ako iyong mas willing ibigay iyong lahat para sa kanya.
Nakaka-ubos.
Perhaps it's wrong... but I just wanted to know how it feels to be on the receiving end of things.
Na paano kung ako naman iyong mas gusto?
"What?" tanong ko kay Pam nang naka-tingin pa rin siya sa akin after kong iabot sa kanya iyong draft na hinihingi niya sa 'kin.
"Talagang nagde-date kayo ni Atty. Serrano?"
I nodded. "Yeah, why?" I asked.
It did feel nice—not being hidden. I could just clearly say yes kapag may nagtanong sa akin. I didn't have to do some mental gymnastics or try to justify kung ano ba talaga iyong meron.
"Wala lang... Sabi kasi nila nagde-date kayo pero kapag nakikita ko kayo dito sa office, parang normal naman."
I slightly tilted my head to the side. "I mean... did you expect us to make out here?" I asked.
Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata niya. "H-hindi naman ganon!"
Natawa ako. "No, I was just kidding," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "Work is work," I added. "Besides, kilala mo naman si Atty. Serrano," I added and she nodded in agreement. Kapag nasa trabaho, seryoso talaga si Lance.
Siguro nga talaga mas maganda kung kilala mo muna iyong tao kahit papano bago ka pumasok sa kung anumang relasyon. At least with Lance, I was already well-aware na may pagka-workaholic siya. Hindi na ako nagugulat o sumasama ang loob. Hindi na rin ako parang tanga na naghihintay kung kailan siya magtetext.
This wasn't boring—maybe this is how a mature relationship feels like.
Wala nung... adrenaline.
Basta kalmado lang.
It's a bit different from before, pero masasanay din ako.
* * *
"I'll probably leave early," sabi ko kay Lance nung papunta na kami sa may hotel kung saan gaganapin 'yung IBP dinner.
Napa-tingin siya sa akin saglit habang nagda-drive. "Why?" he asked.
"Madami akong gagawin bukas," I told him. "I'll just book a ride," I continued since he insisted na sabay kaming dadating doon kahit sinabi ko na magdadala na lang ako ng sarili kong sasakyan.
"Okay," he replied. "I have to introduce you to some people. Can you stay for a while hanggang mapa-kilala kita sa kanila?"
"Yes, of course," I replied tapos ay sinandal ko muna iyong ulo ko at pinikit ang mga mata ko. I had been working non-stop with Atty. Arnaez. Sabi kasi ni Lance, kung hindi talaga ako interesado sa Corpo, might as well train under Atty. Arnaez. Malaki din daw kasi iyong pera sa arbitration. I mean, it's okay... Hanggang ngayon, 'di ko pa rin talaga alam kung ano ang gusto ko.
Pagdating namin sa parking, I checked myself on the mirror. Maayos pa naman iyong itsura ko. Tapos ay napa-tingin ako sa gilid kasi naramdaman ko si Lance na naka-tingin sa akin.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing," he replied as he shook his head.
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Okay?" sabi ko at saka muling nagreapply ng lipstick. He was just watching me while I was doing my thing. Nang matapos ako, tumingin ako sa kanya. "Shall we go in?" I asked.
He nodded, but instead of going out, he leaned in and kissed me. Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko sa gulat. We'd been going out for a while now... pero iilang beses pa lang niya akong nahahalikan. Hanggang ngayon, naninibago pa rin ako. Iba kasi iyong sa kanya... O baka hindi lang ako sanay. Baka nasanay lang talaga ako sa dati na masyadong... madaming nangyayari.
And then the kiss ended.
Naka-tingin lang siya sa mukha ko na parang kinakabisado ang bawat parte non.
"Let's go," sabi niya tapos ay lumabas na kami.
Lance and I walked side by side. Kaya nga siguro natanong kami ni Tal kung kami ba talaga ni Lance kasi formal talaga kami kapag nasa labas. Bihira lang din naman kami magka-time na magkasama kaming dalawa lang kasi busy kami sa work pareho.
Pagpasok namin sa loob, ni hindi man lang ako naka-kuha ng drinks dahil agad na pinakilala ako ni Lance sa mga lawyers.
"Nice meeting you," I said to each and every lawyer Lance introduced to me. Lahat sila ay may posisyon—either partners ng mga law firm, mga judge, justice, o solicitor general.
"What's your focus?" tanong sa akin.
"Not yet sure," sagot ko.
Naramdaman ko iyong kamay ni Lance sa likuran ko. "She's considering arbitration," he said on my behalf. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at bahagyang napa-kunot ang noo. "Or maybe she'll give Corpo a try?" dugtong niya tapos ay naka-tingin sa akin.
Bahagya pang muling kumunot ang noo ko bago ako tumango at tumingin sa mga kausap namin. "Maybe," I said with a smile.
"That's good to hear," sabi sa akin. "Our department needs new lawyers."
Humalakhak si Lance. "I doubt if papakawalan ng partners si Atty. Hernaez," sabi niya at saka binida sa mga kausap namin na Top 1 ako at kung anu-ano pa. I was starting to feel self-conscious dahil sa lahat ng papuri na sinasabi ni Lance tungkol sa akin. I don't even do that myself—I don't introduce myself as Atty. Tali unless client kita. Mas lalo namang hindi ko sinasabi na Top 1 ako sa BAR. I mean, yes, nakaka-proud naman talaga 'yon, but it's just my work... It's just something that I do... It's not who I am.
I needed a drink—pero hindi ako makaalis dahil humahanap pa ako ng tyempo. Ang dami kasi talagang pinapakilala sa akin ni Lance na hindi ako makaalis-alis sa tabi niya.
"Where are you going?" Lance asked nang tumalikod ako. Umalis kasi iyong kausap namin. Finally.
"I'll just get a drink," I told him. "Also, aalis na rin ako."
"Can't you stay? 'Di pa dumadating si Justice Esguerra."
"Baka hindi na dadating," I replied. "Marami pa akong gagawin bukas."
"Yeah, I know, but it'll be nice for you to meet these people, Tali. They can help you grow your career. In our line of work, connection is everything."
I looked at him. "Fine," I replied since ayoko na pagtalunan pa 'to. Nakikipag-argue na nga ako bilang trabaho, the last thing I would want is to also argue in real life. "I just need a few minutes to myself."
Tumalikod na ako bago pa may ipakilala na naman siya sa akin. I just kept on walking and walking—I only stopped for a while to get a flute of champagne mula sa waiter na naglalakad. I stayed outside for 10 minutes. I just finished my drink tapos ay kalahati lang nung sigarilyo iyong naubos ko. I needed to get back inside dahil baka hanapin ako ni Lance.
Pagbalik ko, nakita ko na may kausap na naman siya. I drew a deep breath and braced myself dahil sa kung sino na naman niya ako ipapakilala—
"Atty. Hernaez, this is Atty. Valladares—we're from the same fraternity," biglang sabi ni Lance habang naka-tingin ako sa lalaking nasa tabi niya. He was looking at me like he expected to see me here. Kanina pa ba nila ako pinaguusapan? Alam ba ni Lance iyong sa amin dati? Impossible. Bakit naman sasabihin ni Lui sa kanya 'yon?
It was just a fling—a brief one at that. It wasn't worthy of being mentioned.
I drew another deep breath as I looked at him. "No introductions needed," I told Lance. "We're friends."
Naka-tingin lang si Lui sa akin na para bang sinusubukan niyang basahin kung ano ang nasa isip ko. What? I had nothing going on in my mind besides wanting to go home so that I could sleep. Marami pa akong kailangang gawin bukas.
"Is that so?" sabi ni Lance tapos ay tumingin siya kay Lui. "Why didn't you tell me? Kanina ko pa sinasabi sa 'yo si Tali."
Lui looked at him and flashed a smile—ngayon ko lang nakita iyong ganoong ngiti niya. O baka ganoon talaga ang ngiti niya? Ano ba naman kasi ang alam ko talaga sa kanya?
"You wouldn't let me get a word in," sagot ni Lui. Tapos ay tumingin siya sa akin. "He's all praises about you," he continued as he just stared directly into my eyes.
"I know," I said. Tumingin ako kay Lance. "I really need to go," muling sabi ko sa kanya.
"Alright..." sagot ni Lance.
Tumingin ako kay Lui. "Nice seeing you again," I told him before I turned my back around at naglakad ako muling palayo.
Pagdating ko sa labas ng hotel, naglakad ako papunta sa isang gilid. I got out another stick of cigarette at saka sinindihan iyon. I was just standing there, thinking about nothing. I just wanted to rest my mind for a while.
"Since when did you smoke?"
Napa-tingin ako sa pinanggalingan ng boses. A car stopped in front of me. Naka-baba iyong bintana non at nandon si Lui sa loob ng sasakyan habang naka-tingin sa akin.
Tinanggal ko iyong sigarilyo sa bibig ko. "A while now," I replied.
He slightly nodded. "Akala ko uuwi ka na?"
"Yeah," I said. "I'm just finishing this," dugtong ko sabay pakita sa kanya nung sigarilyo ko na malapit na rin namang maubos.
Imbes na magdrive palayo, napa-kunot iyong noo ko nang mag-hazard siya sa sasakyan niya tapos ay lumabas siya doon. Naglakad siya hanggang nasa tabi ko na siya. Napa-kunot iyong noo ko nang ilahad niya iyong kamay niya.
"What?"
"Can I have a stick?" sabi niya. Naka-kunot ang noo ko, pero binigyan ko na lang din siya. He put the cigarette in between his teeth. "Pa-sindi," he said.
Napa-irap na lang ako dahil ang kapal naman ng mukha niyang utusan pa ako. Pero wala na talaga akong energy na makipagtalo kaya naman sinindihan ko na lang iyong sigarilyo niya.
We stood there—hopefully in just silence dahil ayoko talagang mag-isip ngayon. Gusto ko lang ng katahimikan.
"I didn't tell him about us," sabi niya bigla.
"What?" I asked, still not looking at him and just looking at the cars passing in front of us.
"Lance," he said.
"Ah," sabi ko na lang.
"He said you two are dating."
"Yup."
There was a stretch of silence for a while. Mauubos na rin iyong sigarilyo ko.
"That's why I didn't tell him," sabi niya.
"Why?" I asked. "May rule ba sa frat niyo na bawal maulit iyong babae?" Hindi ako naka-tingin sa kanya pero parang ramdam ko iyong pagkunot ng noo niya. "I mean, if it's for my sake, I would've been fine kung sinabi mo sa kanya iyong sa 'tin dati. It was a thing of the past and it happened briefly. I don't think Lance would mind."
Hanggang sa naubos iyong sigarilyo ko ay hindi siya nakapagsalita.
"But you know, if there's a rule in your frat na bawal na magshare sa iisang babae, I'd be happy to corroborate with whatever story you want to tell people."
Nagsimula akong maglakad at saka tinapon iyong upos ng sigarilyo sa may basurahan. Kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko para makapagbook na ako ng sasakyan.
"What happened to you?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I replied as I was still fiddling with my phone. Natapos na ako sa pagbbook at papunta na iyong driver dito sa location ko ay hindi pa rin nagsasalita si Lui.
Nilingon ko siya.
"Since nasabi na rin naman natin kay Lance na friends tayo, it'll be nice kung hindi mo na rin babanggitin 'yung nangyari dati," I told him while looking straight into his eyes. "But really, do whatever you like—it's none of my business anyway," dugtong ko bago pumasok sa sasakyan nang huminto iyon sa harapan ko.
**
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