Soobin's POV:
All of us agreed to go out tonight to take the edge off. We've been getting more and more calls in the last week, barely have been able to keep up. We haven't had a single day where we've gone home when we're supposed to, but at least I haven't had to pull the trigger on anyone. All of us are exhausted, but Chan suggested we hang out at the local bar, have a few beers, and relax for a little while. Everyone else thought it was a good idea too, so of course, I wasn't going to say 'no'.
I took a deep breath when I parked my car, hesitating for a moment before I got out. With social occasions like these, I get really anxious. I've definitely gotten better after going to therapy, but you know, I'm still working on it. It's just all the people, the loud music, the suffocating smell of smoke and alcohol that makes me not be able to breathe. Although, this bar usually isn't too packed, still too much for my liking, but not the worst.
I could already hear the music when I was walking towards the entrance, taking another deep breath. I showed the security guard my ID before I entered, scanning the crowd for my teammates. There was more people than usual, closing my eyes for a moment and taking another deep breath so I didn't get too overwhelmed.
Changbin was the first person I saw, chatting with the bartender. A huge smile was on his face, weaving in and out of people to get closer. I tapped his shoulder when he was done talking, and he turned to me in an instant. His smile went wider, "Hey! You finally made it!..." He said, raising his voice so I could hear him over the music. He patted my shoulder, "Everyone is sitting at the table over there..." He added, pointing in the opposite direction of the bar.
I looked over, seeing my entire team chatting away at one of the bigger tables. It was in the corner, we always sit at that table. I guess when you're in this field of work, you never take chances anywhere you go. You can see everything when you're in the corner of the room, and that table has the best vantage point. I honestly couldn't tell you the number of fights we've had to break up in here over the years.
Yeonjun was on the right side, his elbows on the table and his fingers interlaced together. He was giggling about something, getting lost in the way his hair—
"I'm just getting everyone some drinks!..." Changbin said, knocking me out of what I was thinking. I turned back to him, "Go sit! I'll be over in a second!"
I nodded, turning on my heel and beginning to walk over in that direction. I noticed more things as I got closer, bumping into far too many people for my liking. Yeonjun's hair was still a bit damp from showering, falling over his eyes a little. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt and some jeans, showing off his muscles a bit. He was leaning forward on the table so he could hear what Chan was saying, a soft smile on his lips as well.
Stop looking at him.
I averted my gaze, smiling at everyone when they finally noticed me. Ryujin spoke first, "Soobin! What's up?!" She asked, leaning back in her chair.
I shrugged, "Not much." I replied, taking the open seat next to Yeonjun. I felt the vibration of the chair squeaking against the floor, but the music was too loud to hear it.
My legs were shaking back and forth, a rhythmic motion I do subconsciously when I'm anxious. I placed my hands in my lap, interlacing my fingers. I felt stiff, not being able to release the tension in my shoulders, "We were telling Yeonjun about that guy who was on the team before him. Remember Rick?" Chan asked, smiling at me.
I nodded, and Taehyun chimed in, "God, he was fucking terrible!"
Ryujin rolled her eyes, "Could barely hold his rifle steady."
"And he didn't think you should be on the team, Ryu..." Taehyun replied, scoffing, "Bigoted asshole."
Chan laughed lightly, turning to Yeonjun, "Trust me, you are a breath of fresh air."
Yeonjun chuckled too, "I try my best."
I was too busy looking around the room to respond, my eyes darting everywhere, "Don't think we haven't noticed how you organized the equipment room. Literally spotless." Ryujin said, crossing her arms over her chest.
That was the moment Changbin came over, trying to balance six bottles of beer between his fingers. He placed them all on the table, keeping one for himself, "Drinks have been served!"
Everyone reached out and grabbed one, waiting until the last one was left so I could take it. I knew I wouldn't be able to choose between the ones that were there. Changbin sat down next to me, feeling a little crammed between him and Yeonjun. It's not that they were super close to me, but the atmosphere made it feel like I was being smothered.
Chan raised his bottle up, smiling as he said, "I'm really proud of you guys this week, and every week for that matter! I know it's been really busy but thank you for sticking it out!"
We all brought our bottles to the center of the table, clinking them together before we all took a swig. The alcohol burned down my throat, taking a few more long sips before placing the bottle down on the table, already half empty.
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket, hugging myself a bit. My head started to throb, barely able to comprehend what conversation they were having due to the overdrive going to my senses. The combination of the loud talking and music wasn't helping, needing to read their lips to at least try and follow along, but I only got about every other word at best. I was quiet, not feeling the need to speak. I normally don't in situations like this, just listen to what people have to say. I'm a better listener than a talker anyways.
"Soobin..." Taehyun randomly called out, turning my head to him, "You good?" He asked, taking a sip of his beer right after.
I knew what he was referring to, but the thing I didn't know was how long we've been here, and I've only said two words. I nodded nonetheless, ignoring everyone around us, "Sorry, I'm just tired."
Taehyun smiled, "Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice."
All I felt was anxiousness. I took a deep breath, quickly reaching out and grabbing my beer from the table. I tilted my head back, chugging the rest of the bottle in just a few seconds. Changbin laughed when I was done, swallowing the alcohol in my mouth, "Jesus, you can slow down." He said, taking a small sip of his drink. He was only about halfway done with his.
I looked around at everyone's drink, only Taehyun and Changbin were half way done while everyone else still had a lot farther to go. I avoided their eyes, knowing they were staring at me. I felt embarrassed, needing to get out of here. I held onto my empty bottle, "I'm gonna get another one." I said, and then hurried to stand up from my seat.
I didn't wait for any of them to reply as I walked away, my heart rate increasing every time I bumped into somebody. I felt like I could finally breathe again when I got to the bar, waving the bartender down. He came over to me, and I yelled over the music, "Can I have another beer, please?!" Gesturing to the empty bottle in my hand to show him what type.
He nodded, turning around to get me another one. I leaned against the bar, putting my elbow on the table. I dropped my forehead into my hand, closing my eyes and taking a few breaths because it felt like it was getting hotter in here. My other hand started shaking, trying to get rid of the pounding headache—
"Hey!..." I heard a familiar voice, opening my eyes in an instant and turning to my left. It was Yeonjun, standing next to me and leaning against the bar, "Are you sure you're alright?" He asked, moving in closer so he didn't have to talk as loud.
Why is it always him?
The proximity made my breath hitch, not expecting it. I was tapping my fingers against the table because I needed to fidget with something. I pursed my lips, shaking my head in response. He already knows all my mental problems, so what one more confession going to do?
"I get anxious in crowded places." I said, turning back to the bar because my second beer was placed on the table, already opened.
I quickly took a sip of it, and Yeonjun leaned into my ear, "I know you do. You fidget a lot." He quietly said, and I sighed to myself.
He already knows.
Of course, he already fucking knows.
"Listen, if you want to go home, I can tell them you were tired and left — I can drive you if you need me to. If you want to stay, you're more than welcome to hold my hand under the table, if it helps." He added, backing away from me right after to look at my expressions.
I pursed my lips, nodding as I stuttered out, "I-I'll hold your hand." I replied awfully quickly.
He gave me a little smile, putting his hand out for me, "Come on." He said, gesturing back to the table.
I held my beer in one hand, holding Yeonjun's in the other. He kept squeezing my hand to tell me he was here, pushing through people to make a bit of a gap for me to walk through. My heart skipped a beat for a moment, and then I felt a bit colder when he let go. I understood, walking side-by-side the rest of the way over to our table.
I scooted my chair in all the way when I sat down, the rest of them already in some conversation that I've missed. I put my beer on the table, putting both my hands underneath to not seem too obvious. I slowly reached over and grabbed Yeonjun's hand, hearing over all the noise how he cleared his throat and slid his chair closer to the table as well. I pulled his hand over to me, squeezing it and resting our hands on my thigh. My legs were shaking again, bouncing up and down this time from not knowing what to do.
He suddenly let go, turning his palm over so it was flat on my thigh, his fingers curving around it naturally. It made my breath hitch quietly, the music too loud for anyone to ask about it anyways. I tried to stay calm, doing my best to steady out my breathing. I moved my eyes to follow the conversation, but I could only really focus on Yeonjun's hand rubbing slowly up and down my thigh.
I rested my hand on top of his, holding it a little as my leg slowly stopped shaking. He paused his movements, just gently rubbing his thumb back and forth this time. It made my heart stop, needing to take a deep breath because my chest was flushing. It felt way hotter in here than before, and I was just praying to everything that nobody saw what he was doing.
~ ~ ~
I was playing with my fingers as I sat down, choosing the left seat this time. Dr. Hwang slowly sat across from me, in her usual spot. She gave me a soft smile, reaching out to grab her notepad and pen from the table in between us, "How've you been doing since we last talked? Busy again this week?"
I couldn't answer her question, not when I only had one thing on my mind. I've been thinking about our night out since I went home last Friday, "I-I think you were right."
She scrunched her eyebrows, not expecting that, "Right about what?"
"I-I think I like Yeonjun..." I replied, needing to let it out. It's been bubbling up in my system, and I just needed to tell someone, "Like, I think I have a crush on him o-or something. I don't know."
She hesitated for a moment, "Ok, umm..." She smiled, laughing lightly, "Sorry, you just caught me off-guard a little."
I pursed my lips, "S-Sorry."
"No, no, you're fine..." She said, thinking about what to ask first, "I, uhh... I'm guessing something happened, right?"
I nodded, "A-At the bar last Friday, when we all went out for drinks..." I started, telling her everything I could remember about last night. Like how I couldn't focus on anything but him, scanning his entire being until I got a good enough look. Like how he was worried about me and came to ask if I was alright. Like how he let me hold his hand and didn't judge me about having anxiety. Like how he placed his hand on my thigh, his touch soothing my worries away a little.
"I just—" I paused, bringing my hands up to rub my face, "What am I meant to do now?"
"I think taking a deep breath would be a good start..." She replied, knowing I had sped through that whole story. I took a deep breath, my heart beating fast from the built-up frustration. She had me do that a few more times until I leaned back in my seat, "And you've been non-stop thinking about this?"
I nodded, sighing before I said, "He was in my dream last night."
She raised an eyebrow, "You had a dream with him?"
I nodded again, "It wasn't anything bad. We were just cuddling on my couch while we watched a movie. I-I don't remember much of it, but it was just really relaxing and peaceful. The opposite of the nightmares..." I brought my hand up, running my fingers through my hair, "I don't know what's wrong with me."
She sighed, "Soobin, there's nothing wrong with you..." She replied, "You just have a crush, it's ok."
I closed my eyes, pursing my lips together, "H-He told me he's gay..." I said, not hesitating, "The night he took me out to dinner and let me stay over at his apartment, he told me he was gay."
I thinks he knew what I was getting at, and I opened my eyes again when she asked, "How do you feel about all this?"
I sighed, crossing my arms over my chest, "I don't know. I-It's against the rules, but part of me doesn't really care..." I chuckled to myself, "I mean, why would he even like me back anyways?"
"Hey..." She said, stopping me, "You know the rules; three nice things about yourself."
I sighed again. She has this rule that if I say something self-deprecating, then I have to say three good things about myself to counteract what I had originally said. I remember I would have to do it at least four times every time I came to see her, but I haven't had to do this in a while now, "O-Ok, umm... I'm kind, I'm understanding, and uhh... I like how my hair looks today."
She suddenly snapped her fingers, "That's what's different! You got a haircut!" She said, smiling.
I chuckled, running my fingers through my hair, "Yeah, just a trim."
She laughed lightly as well, "Sorry, that has been bothering me ever since you walked in."
I shook my head, "You're fine. Yeonjun was the only one who noticed today, but he notices everything..." I quietly replied, and then remembered what we were talking about. I took a deep breath, both of us silent for a few seconds before I asked, "D-Do you think I'm crazy?"
She gave me that soft smile, twirling her pen in her hand, "Soobin, you're not crazy. You're allowed to have these types of feelings towards another person. It just happens to be your colleague, but you can't control that."
I avoided her eyes, "What if we just really get along well and I'm overthinking everything? I-I haven't been on a date or been with anyone in a really long time. What if it's just that?"
"How long has it been?" She replied.
I brought a hand up, scratching my neck, "Like two years..." I said, pausing for a moment, "I just—Everyone gets scared of me as soon as I tell them what my job is. At least Yeonjun doesn't judge me. Everything I tell him, he never judges me..." I picked my head up, looking at her, "What should I do?"
She crossed her legs, her left over her right, "Maybe you should wait until you know it's something real. If it's just a little crush, it's possible that it will go away in a few days. Just let it play out a little bit – There's no harm in that."
I pursed my lips together, nodding in response, "O-Ok."