Jackson
Climbing the stairs to Ethan and Leo's place, the words Leo had thrown at me were still echoing in my head, feeling like daggers now—sinking in. It was as if I had been on the receiving end of a brutal tackle on the football field, blindsided and left reeling from the impact, only noticing the extent of the hit when I was on the ground, gasping for air.
Reaching the door, I carefully slipped off my shoes before stepping inside. Instantly, the warm scent of cinnamon spice filled my nostrils, the same scent that lingered on Ethan's favorite iced coffee. The apartment was lit only by a couple of lights, and I immediately noticed the mix of vibrant and minimalist decor. It had Ethan written all over it—thoughtful, with a retro flair. The apartment wasn't big, but I quickly took in the layout, a habit ingrained by years of traveling and adjusting to new places for football games. My gaze was drawn to the soft illumination coming from the kitchen and the faint glow escaping Ethan's open bedroom door.
Approaching Ethan's doorway, I paused, hands instinctively finding the pockets of my joggers as I leaned in to watch him. Like the rest of their home, his bedroom was minimalist, cozy, and unassuming. Yet, the scene before me was utterly captivating. Ethan's hair was wilder than I'd ever seen it. He hugged his white comforters, soft as a cloud, dressed in an oversized shirt that draped over him, revealing only a glimpse of his tiny blue trunks and fluffy socks.
God, if it were another time, I would have reacted differently to seeing him like that, but this was not the moment.
A lump formed in my throat. He looked so peaceful, completely lost in his movie, but knowing what Leo told me about Ethan trying to end his life, a tear rolled down my cheek. Crying? I wasn't the type to cry. Hell, I was never taught it was okay to let tears show because tears, as my father would say, "Tears are for the weak." Yet, there I was, unable to hold back.
It was scary, even frightening, to think something like that could happen again. Fear gripped me at the thought of Ethan facing such despair, the unbearable idea that he had once found himself in such a dark place he tried to end his pain permanently. And anger, too—anger at the circumstances and the people who had driven him to that edge. It struck me then the depth of the trauma that could lead to memory shutdown.
Clearing my throat, I tapped lightly on the door frame. Without even a quick glance, Ethan slid off his earbuds and set his phone on the nightstand. His face was flushed, the kind of red one gets from crying. "So, now you're into sneaking into people's houses, huh?" Ethan tried to keep his tone light, but the strain was audible.
A small chuckle escaped my lips, an attempt to slice through the tension. "Caught me," I said, a playful lilt in my voice. "Enjoying the attention much?"
He turned to me, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. "For a big football guy, you sure move quietly. Just don't make sneaking into houses a habit, okay? I might be cool with it, but not everyone will be. Can't believe Leo let you in."
"Guess nobody can resist my charm, not even Leo."
There was a pause, heavy with things unsaid. In that silence, it was clear we both had a lot on our minds, but the words just wouldn't come. I broke the silence first, apologizing and explaining my late awareness of the video and my failure to tell him sooner. "Hey, um, I'm really sorry. I know that you have already seen the video. That's why I called you. I knew about the video unit too late. I didn't get to explain or even give you the heads up about what happened."
Ethan draped an arm across his face, as if trying to shield himself from the world—or maybe just from me. Yet, I continued. "I wanted to make sure she was taken care of and put things straight with my family this weekend first, but—"
"Are you not scared, Jackson?" Ethan interrupted, his voice shaky. "Scared that I'm just like her? That your family will hate you because you like a guy, and everyone knows now?"
Hearing his voice crack hit me hard. Without thinking, I moved closer, my knees hitting the floor beside his bed. I reached out, gently pulling his arm away so I could see his face. With my other hand, I started to caress Ethan's hair, an attempt to offer comfort, to bridge the gap that fear and misunderstanding had placed between us.
"No. I'm not scared of being with you or of what people might think. What scares me the most is the thought of losing..." I paused, continuing to stroke his hair. "I've been scared, sure. Scared of admitting what I feel, scared of what it means for my life."
"Then why didn't you tell me anything and act like nothing happened? It hurt me, Jackson. It hurts when everyone around knows everything, and I'm the last to find out."
Tears welled up in Ethan's eyes, and seeing him cry made me feel bolder. Without a second thought, I hopped onto the bed, the mattress dipping under my weight. Ethan, taken aback, asked, "Hey, what are you doing?" I just whispered, "Shh," and pulled him into my arms, pressing his body against mine. Then, I peppered the top of Ethan's head with gentle kisses. As I held him, I couldn't help but notice how perfectly Ethan fit in my arms, as if he was meant to be there all along.
He tensed up but placed his hands on my chest, seeking comfort or maybe something to hold onto.
"I'm really sorry, Ethan. Honestly, I don't have a good reason for not telling you, and I realize that my priorities are messed up, too." I sighed, struggling to find the words that could explain the chaos inside my head. "I wanted to set things straight with my family and my father, especially. This... us, it's all new for me. And it's not that I'm ashamed of us or anything. It's just my father... he disapproves of pretty much everything I do. He can't stand that I'm into football. He has this whole life planned out for me, one that sticks to the Knox name. And I'm not that."
I paused, taking a moment to breathe, to collect my thoughts. "I thought I was protecting you from what Hannah said and from everyone else, but I ended up making things worse for you. For that, I'm sorry. But that's no excuse for keeping you in the dark. I screwed up, Ethan. I was trying to handle everything on my own, and I didn't consider how it would affect you."
After my confession, Ethan's sniffles were the only sound in the room. He was still against me, and for a moment, I didn't think he would say anything. But then he started talking, and what he said next caught me off guard.
"Derek... Derek was this guy who was always in the same classes as me. We were worlds apart, but we got close when we had to do a group project together. At first, it was just about the project, but then he started asking for help with assignments and school stuff. Yes, stupid cliché, but I was ignorant; I was sure I was gay, but I...I never told anyone. I was scared of how people would look at me or how it would affect my grandma," Ethan's voice was a bit muffled against my chest as he continued, "but I confessed to him through a letter, and the one who gave it to him was a friend, Molly. And, of course, he was the captain quarterback of our high school team, the perfect American poster boy, and the son of the Mayor of the town. Leo hated him with his guts and told me I was blind, making a mistake, that Derek was straight, but I ignored him, and I... I fell for him."
Ethan's voice faltered a little again, my instinct to protect and comfort him kicked in stronger than ever. I started to caress Ethan's back, moving my hand in slow, reassuring strokes, trying to bring him some comfort that he was safe with me.
"I started to notice people in the school acting weirdly around me, whispering, and even getting notes that I should...because I was a faggot. I did not understand what was happening. I was pretty sure he was in love with me...I misunderstood what we had, I guess. So, I got scared when you called me. It was just like that time that Derek called me to tell me he loved me, but everything was a trap..."
Hearing Ethan's story made something click about his behavior. In his eyes, I was just like Derek. The realization hit hard, shedding new light on past interactions and Leo's protective stance, trying to prevent history from repeating itself with someone he cared about.
I reached out, gently lifting Ethan's chin so he could look directly at me. Ethan's face was flushed red. "Look at me, please," I said softly. "If you're a faggot, then I'm a faggot, now, okay?" At this, Ethan managed a small laugh, the tension in his eyes easing slightly.
"Oh please, Knox. Emily's words have come true. I can't imagine the run she'll have on her next podcast."
Noticing the puffiness of his eyes, I couldn't help but chuckle softly. "God, how much have you cried today? Your eyes are almost swollen shut. And yes, we should send some gift to her for being such a good gossip girl." Then, hesitantly at first, I kissed him. It was sweet, tentative, as if trying to communicate everything I couldn't find the words for. After a moment, I pulled back slightly, just enough to rest my forehead against his. We stayed like that as if, in doing so, we were letting go of a heavy weight we'd both been carrying.
Knowing Ethan had forgotten what happened to him, I felt guilty, aware of the aftermath of the "trap" and what had driven him to attempt to end his life despite being unaware of its full extent. But for now, I was just glad he opened up to me. Then Ethan broke the silence, "You should go and don't miss the game because of me."
"Ha, the game, right. Fuck, I almost forgot about it." Separating a bit from Ethan, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. The screen was a flood of notifications—messages and missed calls from the guys on the team, Coach Williams, and even Prax. It was already late; the flight had definitely left without me. I was torn between not wanting to leave Ethan alone and knowing I needed to be at that game.
Then, as if struck by lightning, a crazy idea formed in my mind, a solution that might just work to have both—Ethan and fulfill my responsibilities to the team. Turning back to Ethan, I asked, "Have you ever been to Florida?"
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Hey! I'm so happy to share that this chapter marks the end of Season One of "Sidelines"! 🎉 I truly hope you've enjoyed these moments of vulnerability between our cinnamon rolls. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and am excited to share what's coming up in the future – expect fun and a few bumps along the road.
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