You automatically come to your feet. Thor stands in front of both you and Loki in a defensive position.
He still wasn't used to it. Neither were you.
"Jarvis, what happened?" Steve is the only sane one who asks.
"An emergency mission, sir. The Avengers have to leave for the jet in 15 minutes." Jarvis replies, and for the first time in forever, his voice is lifeless.
"Y/n, this is your first mission." Steve says, holding you by your shoulders and looking right into your eyes, staring right into your soul with his blue ones.
"Keep yourself safe and do not let Loki escape."
You nod your head. And he turns away without waiting for an answer.
As they run out of your room, Steves adds, "We trust you, Y/n. You can do this."
You don't know why, but you feel a desperate need to meet them all once before they leave. The one you feel every time they leave. The one that never goes away.
You always feel like you are seeing them for the last time. So you chose to ignore what Steve said. To see them just once again. Just once.
"Sleep." You say as you turn to look at Loki.
"What?" He looks at you like he looks at everybody, like you are an idiot.
"Sleep." You insist, putting more conviction behind your words.
And before he knows it, he falls to your bed that he had his back against.
You run downstairs. Thankfully, the lift was back on your floor.
"Thanks, J." You add quickly as the lift starts to descend.
The lift stops with a ding, making you stop imagining every worst possible scenario this would end in. You walk out.
"Y/n, what are you doing here?" Clint asks, surprised.
You don't answer. You don't need words to tell him that he had become an elder brother of sorts for you.
You open your mouth to speak, but your eyes well with tears and no words come out.
Instead, you are sobbing, not the loud sobs. It's the ones that destroy you as you suffer in silence. He takes a step towards you, and you take one back. That stops him in his tracks, and he just looks at you.
"It's okay, Y/n. We'll be okay. It's just another mission." He softly says after a while, as Jarvis reminds them to hurry.
"Y/n, where is my brother." Thor who just came into the room from god knows where asks.
"Sleeping in Miss Y/n room." Jarvis replies for you. You make a mental note to thank him for it later. They all know exactly what he was talking about since you had to do that to Bruce a couple of times. Well, not Bruce, technically it was Hulk.
Natasha gave you a curt nod as she heads out. Look after yourself. Her voice only comes out this concerned when she was speaking telepathically. As if she, too, was afraid of letting her guard down around the others.
"Good work, kid."
"Don't let him out of your sight."
"Be safe."
A chorus of voices gave you compliments, instructions, and commands as the Avengers go out the door.
You can do nothing but nod. You can say nothing as you see them leave.
Take care. You tell them once they are out of sight and head back up.
It wasn't like they never left you alone before or that they never left in a hurry.
But every time they left, you couldn't have a moment of peace until they were all back home safe.
You slowly started making your way back up.
You were now painfully aware of the wounds in your back that you got last night. There was nothing left to think about so you could distract yourself.
You had cried yourself to a sleep like state after your shower. But sleep had eluded you. And you had found no rest in laying down.
You try to distract yourself by thinking anything trivial. And that means thinking about the future.
The same thing that has been in your mind repeats itself. Over and over, not letting you think of anything else.
Now, if you didn't tell the Avengers and die of infection, Loki would die.
If you told them, Loki would die.
If you went to your friend's mom now. You would die for leaving him unsupervised. And then he would die for harming you.
So, your best shot was to ask for his help.
You groaned at the thought. So much for being bossy and draining yourself of all the energy that went in the persona.
You opened your door, and..... he wasn't on the bed.
Oh no! Now, everything you did for that idiot would be a waste.
Why had you even bothered suffering through a night of pain and despair when all that stupid Asgardian wanted to do was die. He may think everyone was an idiot but he himself was the biggest moron.
"Jarvis? Where..?" Your voice broke so badly you knew a panic attack was approaching.
"Miss Y/n..."
You couldn't hear anything over the roar in your eyes. Your vision got blurred. You stumbled to the side of your bed and sat down on the floor crying.
This was all your fault. You thought you were strong enough when you clearly were not. You were a weak, pathetic little girl. Who never did something right.
Now, they would send you back to the orphanage. Back to the people there. You still had marks down your thighs, your back.
"No, no, no, no, no. Please, no." You sobbed to yourself.
Your short breaths came in with a pathetic whimper every time.
"It's okay. What happened? Tell me what happened? Y/n whatever it is, it'll be fine."
A sudden panicked voice broke in through your haze.
The Voice is so soft even though it's clearly scared. It speaks with such conviction that you want to believe it. Only you don't know who it belongs to. So you plead, begging whoever it was to let you stay.
"I can't go back there. I can't. Please don't let them send me back. Please." You whisper to the voice.
Stopping every now and then to try and take a breath that seems so unattainable.
"I won't let them send you anywhere." The Voice says as strong arms scoop you up in someone's lap.
You know you must have been projecting your memories to the person touching you. But you were too panicked to remember that little detail. As you mumbled a string of sorries and please and no's.
"Never again, Mu dyrebar tankeleser. Never again." The voice is so kind. He holds you so gently that you almost believe him. You want to believe him.
He doesn't let you go the as you keep sobbing into his shirt. The kind Voice is telling you happy stories from childhood of two little boys. But you can't seem to focus on that.
So you focus on the voice instead. You focus on the rough edges in the voice that are smoothed over by the worry in it. You listen to words that come out like pearls fall from a broken necklace. One after the another in a rhythm that is so hurried that you can't help but want to hold every word. But fail as one would while trying to hold a broken necklace.
But for once, you are not afraid of picking up the pieces from the floor. So you let it all fall around you. Relishing the chaos.
You let it sooth you.
You know you should get up.
But for the first time, your greatest question has been answered: what being held feels like.
No one had ever held you close before. Neither could you savour the feeling as you were bombarded by their memories. The person whom the voice belonged to showed you no memories.
So you let yourself enjoy the feeling while it lasted.
What if you woke up and found it all to be a dream?
It feels like a dream.
You hope it's not a dream.
Between your pathetic sobs, you whisper a prayer, begging God to let it be real.
You could use a real hug.
"It's going to be just fine. Y/n. I promise." The compassionate Voice promises.
You let the promise lull you to sleep. Feeling safer than ever in the protection of his arms.