DISCLAIMER FOR FUTURE READERS: This is not a real chapter! This was an April Fools prank I did, but it is no longer April Fools so to prevent confusion I am warning you beforehand. Please disregard this chapter's events in the storyline of this fic. I wanted to preserve the comments and the experience of reading this at a certain point in the book as a pose to archiving it in Moonbeam, so here you go. Enjoy? I guess?
Allknowing
I wake up in a large hall in a castle I don't recognize: the walls are black, the floor a checkerboard of black and white. There's no door on either side.
I look around me, and find a lot of dragons I wish I didn't see: Clearsight, for one (what is she doing here, why hasn't she died already), her little boy toy husband and their three--oh, it's four now--brats. Then there's Gaze–my least favourite student, back when I taught seer training–and Sharp-eyes, my other least favourite student. After all my years of teaching Pyrhhia's young impressionable minds from the goodness of my heart, it's really so hard to choose.
There's a gaggle of IceWings and SandWings I don't recognize and don't care to get to know.
"Hello, handsome," one of the SandWings says. He has the word Prince tattooed on his face and is wearing a bunch of very tacky jewelry. New money. Ugh. I would never, I think, glancing down at my own stacks of jewels.
"Hey there, I haven't met you before," the IceWing says. "I'm Flurry. I think your tattoo is super cool."
"Aw, thanks. The name's Dragonfly. Say, what are you doing this far away from the Ice Kingdom?"
"Hello everyone," Sharp-eyes says, his voice echoing throughout the hall. "Thank you for being here today. You've all been gathered here today because I'm sick of how long this book is getting. We're going to work out every existing plotline and end this book right here, right now, today, or so help me moons. I'm tired of waiting for Wattpad user dragonwritesthings to update! I don't care she's in university and it takes her a long time to edit the chapters, I want to know how this war ends! So I've decided to take matters into my own talons. There's too many characters in this godforsaken book, for one. I don't care about you, Gaze!"
"Hey!" Gaze says. "I'm not a side character! I haven't been a side character since Waves of Ice! I even get my own chapters sometimes!"
"Oh yeah, and when did we last get your point of view?" Sharp-eyes mocks. "Side character. Anyway, so, I'm killing all the side characters. I'm bored of you guys."
"No!" Dragonfly cries. "Flurry, I know we just met, but I think—I think I'm in love with you! Flurry, I love you!"
"Dragonfly, I love you too!" Flurry says. They embrace as they burn into a pile of ashes on the floor.
Oh, so sad. But don't we all love a tragic romance. I roll my eyes.
"No, you can't do that!" Clearsight cries. "You can't—Sharp-eyes, how could you!"
"You don't have your powers anymore! I can do anything I want!" Sharp-eyes declares.
Darkstalker steps forward. "No—Sharp-eyes. You don't understand!"
"Oh, what don't I understand, Darkstalker?"
"Sharp-eyes," Clearsight says, tears welling in her eyes. "When we were younger, before we had Shadowhunter, we had another dragonet, but we couldn't keep it, so we left it at the steps of the library. hoping someone would take it in and raise it as their own."
"No, that's ridiculous," Sharp-eyes declares, shaking his head. "You can't possibly mean..."
"Sharp-eyes, you are our son," Darkstalker declares, pressing a talon to his chest. "We always wanted to have more to do with you, but like passing ships in the night..."
"We love you so much, you've broken our hearts how you've torn apart our family," Clearsight declares, then collapses into tears on the ground. "We're sorry we couldn't be the parents you deserved, Sharp-eyes."
I point at her, laughing. "Ha! Loser. She's crying! Is anyone else seeing this? Isn't this pathetic? Guys, isn't this so funny? She's crying!"
No one acknowledges me. How irritating. Not even Sharp-eyes. Hrmmph.
Sharp-eyes starts to weep. "My whole life, all I wanted was a family..."
"We're sorry we couldn't be there for you. All we want now is to make it up to you."
They all hold each other, crying.
"Wow, this is pathetic!" I say, pointing at them and laughing as loud as I possibly can. "Oh, you wanted to be a family? Grow up, you whining little babies."
Eclipse and Shadowhunter turn to each other. "No, this is wrong!" Shadowhunter declares. "I don't care about his tragic backstory, that monster is never going to be a part of our family!"
"No, look how sweet that is!" Eclipse says. "Look. They're crying."
I'm not sure what Way and Nebula are doing. I don't care. I think they're boring. Why hasn't this Sharp-eyes killed them too already?
"I don't care that they're crying, he is not a part of my family!" Shadowhunter declares. "And if you think this is okay, then I'll kill you with my magic powers that Dad just gave me back while you weren't looking, and also my magic lightning breath."
"Well, if you have a problem with him being a part of our family, then I'll kill you with my magic powers!"
Shadowhunter scoffs. "But you're not an animus."
"Yes I am!" Eclipse declares.
"No, don't do this," Clearsight says, pressing a talon to her chest. "Don't tear our family apart any more than it already has been..."
"What you all don't know is that when Dad enchanted my egg, when I was just hatching, he gave me magic by mistake and no one ever realized!" Eclipse says. "My whole life, I've been lying in wait, playing nice, waiting for the right moment to strike and start building my empire! I want to do all the horrible things Dad never got to do because he got married and had kids instead! I want to fulfill this family's legacy!"
Everyone gasps, except for me. How contrived and stupid. She's too short and cute to be evil.
"No," Darkstalker says. "I won't let you. Our family has been through enough, you can't do this..."
"I can do anything I want, and I'm sick of pretending otherwise! No more playing nice, it's time everyone took me seriously!"
Shadowhunter summons a bolt of lightning, but Eclipse is faster: in the span of a few seconds, Shadowhunter explodes into a pile of ashes on the ground. With her last words, she screams, "Fuck! Shit! Fuck! There, I said it! I got the first curse word in the Timeline series! Take that, Eclipse!"
"No!" Darkstalker screams. "No, no, not our daughter!"
"Eclipse, you have to see reason!" Clearsight pleads.
"No, I won't be talked out of claiming my rightful destiny," Eclipse declares. "All of you think I'm weak, but my whole life, I've been plotting. Planning! For this moment!"
"Eclipse, just let us be a happy family," Sharp-eyes weeps.
I start to giggle into my wing.
"Ha! Clearsight! Take that. This is all your fault, you know! You're such a terrible parent!" I wait with bated breath for her to reply, but nothing comes. It's like they can't see me. Like I'm a ghost or something. But I'm obviously not a ghost, because I'm too cool for that.
Clearsight gets up and walks right through me.
I scoff. "Excuse you? I am your queen? No! No, don't ignore me!"
"I want us to be a happy family!" she shouts to her daughter.
"Eclipse, you have to see reason. Think of our family," Sharp-eyes pleads. "Think of the plot! Wattpad user dragonwritesthings hasn't set up for this plotline, it's going to hit the readers out of nowhere! Think about the continuity issues!"
"Sharp-eyes, you've held all the powers of the most powerful dragons in Pyrhhia for long enough. It's time I take them as my own."
I think Way and Nebula are crying pathetically in the corner, but I don't like them so I don't care.
Oh, this I won't stand for–all those powers should be mine; doesn't she know that?
"Eclipse, you wouldn't!" Darkstalker cries.
"Yes, I would."
Eclipse walks toward Sharp-eyes, pressing her talon to his forehead.
"Oh, this is going to hurt," I warn him. "When you did it to me, it was ghastly. How do you like that for karma now, Sharp-eyes?"
I watch with bated breath. "Yes! Go, Eclipse! Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss!"
Silvery fluid starts to leak out from the cracks between Sharp-eyes's scales. "But the themes, Eclipse!" Sharp-eyes cries. "The character arcs! It can't all have been building up to this! The readers won't stand for this!"
He collapses into a heap of overheating gears as the glowing silver liquid seeps into Eclipse's scales.
Eclipse looks at him for a moment with worried brows. "Um, is he dead? Mom, can you check if he's dead?"
Clearsight pokes him with her talon. "Yeah, honey, I think he's dead–but what have you done? Oh, my baby–you killed him–how could you? My own daughter!"
"Eclipse, this is unacceptable," Darkstalker says, shaking his head. "Fratricide? You're grounded. For the next month!"
Clearsight collapses over Sharp-eyes and starts weeping again. Oh, three moons, I can't stand her.
"Now I have this power," Eclipse says, looking around the room. She stares down at her talons, giggling like a little dragonet with a brand new toy. "This is incredible. Oh, I've waited for this my whole life to feel this powerful. I could do anything I want."
"What do you want, Eclipse?" Darkstalker asks, stepping a little closer to her. I snicker into my talon, pointing.
"Ha! He's scared! Guys, are you seeing this!"
Eclipse looks up at Darkstalker, her eyes wide with wonder. "Dad, I'm tired of being nice. I think I want to kill. You know what, I want to do more than that! I want to explode the entire world–like in that prophecy!"
She lights up, beaming.
"No!" I shout, trying to shake her. My talons pass right through her, but I think she must be able to feel something. "No, you can't let this happen! I'm a main character! I am, I swear! I'm the one who should be exploding the world, not her!"
"Now, sweetheart, what did I tell you about murder–" Darkstalker scolds.
"Please, Eclipse, don't–"
"No, I'm gonna. I love you guys, though."
She smiles sweetly, and just like that, the world explodes into a flash of blinding white light.
What a terrible way to end a book series.
***
Hey guys! Happy April Fools! Hope you liked the surprise update :) I'm on a roll!
Obviously this is not a real chapter but I can promise one event in this chapter is true, and it's not the obvious ones you might be thinking of. Good luck guessing!