1:16 - ???
70 Cretan Days to Landing
Kari Z-64
✦✦✦✦✦
If there is a god in this world, please help me now. I am absolutely, completely lost.
I'm against one of the walls outside the Convocatium, one leg propped up in an angle against the wall, and my hand casually—but frantically—scrolling and pinching around the map of the ship.
Where am I? Where am I even trying to go?
Some kid rushing in the other direction slams my shoulder against the wall.
For a few moments, I'm stunned. I want to admonish him, but I feel like I shouldn't speak up.
Do I let it pass?
No, I can't. I'm under my own orders to say whatever crosses my mind.
"W—", my voice wobbles before I collect myself. "Watch where you're going!"
Suddenly, the entire river of people stops and turns to look at me. I feel a weight drop against my chest, but decide to say what I want to say: "Everything's fine. Don't you all have places to be?"
The crowd shuffles away. The knot which had tied itself up in my throat unravels and I sigh. I place my hand to where my heart is, and feel my pulse beating rapidly. Why do I feel so guilty for saying what I want to say? I'm still not used to this.
And I'm still lost.
I have to find H-02 in the South Wing of Floor 4, but where is south? Where am I? Where—
"Kari? Are you okay?"
It takes a few moments for me to register that Kari is my name, so I turn around to see who called me. It's one of the people in my home base, the one with too much energy... I have no idea what her name is.
She walks towards me with a concerned look in her brown eyes. I'm a little perplexed as to why she, who's a part of the Engineering Section, is in the same area as me, so I tell her that.
"What do you mean?" she tries to hold back a laugh. I feel a twinge of annoyance at the back of my forehead. "This is the way to the West Wing."
"No it isn't," I refute, but I already know I'm fighting a losing battle.
She doesn't try holding back anymore, and starts laughing at me to my face. My annoyance dissipates into shame.
"Don't worry, I got you. Let me teach you how to use the map," she bends down to my height and peers at my holoscreen. She tries to show me me how to recalibrate my location, but when she realizes I do not understand a thing she is saying, she smiles softly and says, "I'll take you there."
Before she turns around, she gives my map a light tap, and a blue symbol appears next to the silver one denoting my location. "That's me, in case we get separated."
"Do you really think that if we got separated I would know how to go to your location?" I ask her seriously.
"Obviously not," she starts walking back towards the Convocatium but throws a sly smirk over her shoulder. "If you tap the dot thrice, it'll call me so that I can come and rescue you, my lady," she pauses and gives a little bow before saying, "Did you not scroll through the watch's README?"
"Who—who does that?"
I'm still finding my footing.
The girl leads me across the Convocatium, then through a gate with a giant flashing sign above it saying "SOUTH EXIT." It should be impossible to miss. Should be.
I fully expect her to tease me about it, but she just continues on.
We walk for what seems like a long time, and awkwardly stand in silence during our elevator ride. I know I should probably talk to her, considering we'll be living together for the next 70 days and even after that, but I have no memories so I have no idea what to say.
Even though there's no conversation, it's not too uncomfortable. The girl seems to be so preoccupied with her own thoughts that I don't feel the obligation to inform her of my presence. Besides, I need to "live how I want" from now on, so I won't speak because I don't want to.
The elevator stops and the doors slide open. As we walk out, I notice that she's purposely slowing down and checking every few minutes to see if I'm still behind her.
"Ta-da, we're here! Your tour guide Kassia has successfully led you to your destination," she gestures down a corridor that looks like every other corridor on this ship.
So Kassia is her name. I'll try my best to remember that.
"H-02 should be the room at the end on the left," she finishes with a flourish.
I realize at this point that most of the hallway is empty and everyone is in their respective rooms. I feel a little guilty that Kassia is late because of me. "Thanks," I tell her, and toss her a goodbye wave.
"No worries! Have a good day, sweetie! Don't get in too much trouble!" she sing-songs, and I pointedly grumble loud enough for her to hear me. Despite what my grumbling indicates, I admit that she's kind.
With that whirlwind of a person gone, I stand still in front of H-02. I know I'm late, which means that when I walk in, everyone will notice me. I feel uncomfortable at the thought of them staring blankly at me, wondering why I couldn't do something as simple as get here on time. Should I even go in?
No, what am I saying? I have to.
The door slides open as I approach, and I hear conversation wisp away as people spin around in their chairs just to get a look at me, The Late Person.
I don't like this atmosphere. I can tell immediately that these people are the judgmental type, but who am I to comment since I'm currently judging them for judging me?
My heart starts beating fast even though I keep telling it to shut up as I walk to the very end of the room, where a girl with sharp eyes wearing pigtails is sitting by her lonesome.
Once I settle in, my heart calms down and I look around.
Everyone has already separated themselves into different cliques at their tables based on two key factors: 1) appearance, and more importantly, 2) the level of confidence in their eyes. Even though the two captains of this ship were talking about how we're this incredible group of space-trekking wunderkinds, it seems the Rules of Being Liked in Society remain universal:
1. Everyone likes being liked.
a. If you show you like someone, there is a high probability they will like you back or at least tolerate you.
b. Smile at them, laugh at their jokes, react to their quirks.
c. Compliment them naturally.
2. Don't be a target.
a. Don't stand out by trying too hard, being too loud, being too quiet.
3. Be outgoing, but not too outgoing.
a. Enough to seem interesting but not enough that you outshine the others. Jealousy is a dangerous factor in your likability.
4. Be confident, but not too confident.
a. People may read it as arrogance.
b. Always be humble when your strengths are recognized.
5. Deflect compliments.
a. Use compliments given to you as a chance to compliment others. Put yourself down, but not enough to be self-deprecating.
If all else fails, sit still, look pretty, and occasionally echo the sentiments of others or make very safe and easily agreeable comments about the topic.
Seems easy, right?
I sigh, lean back in my seat, and stretch out my dummy legs. That's when I notice the session has already started.
The holoscreen at the front of the classroom starts playing a video of my seatmate, the girl with pigtails, though it's a recording of her filmed before the Awakening. The version of the pigtail girl currently sitting next to me jumps, and her mouth hangs agape.
"Hi my fellow psychologists! I hope you had a great Awakening, and that you're excited to begin your mission to Xiole!"
Clapping and whooping erupts throughout the room. It's even more annoying than in the Convocatium earlier. Since there are less people here, those that aren't cheering are more easily identified.
Is everyone actually excited about this tin-can space adventure, or are they just trying to make themselves look good by being so enthusiastic? Was I like that too in the past?
But now, instead of finding their unreasonable enthusiasm contagious and delightful, I find it mildly disturbing.
"Through this next week, we will be studying different mental-health related scenarios that may arise during our journey. Our job is very important: we are the heart of this mission because we keep our crewmates safe, happy and comfortable!"
I hate to admit it, or maybe I don't hate to admit it, but it is very amusing watching the girl in pigtails next to me squirm as she watches herself on screen in horror.
I am a terrible person!
But it's so funny.
Pigtail Girl continues, "There are 26 psychology specialists, each responsible for the set of home bases that share the same Cretan alphabet. My home base is A-93, but I'm also responsible for A-10, A-34, and A-58."
So I'm responsible for the Zs.
"Don't worry if none of this seems familiar to you at the moment. You're in great hands! All of the lessons are taught by you—or us here in the past—so don't be surprised if you see yourself up here!"
Wait.
Did she say— did she just say—
My heart starts beating really quickly again. Please, for the love of all things good and pure in this world...
Suddenly the video transitions, and the girl from A-93 is replaced by a tan young man with high cheekbones and deep-set blue eyes. I breathe a sigh of relief, and I think I catch A-93 girl glaring at me with annoyance.
"Cognitive psychology is the study of the mind as it processes information. This is pivotal in the success of our mission, since we must ensure all crew members are at peak performance in terms of problem solving, decision making, memory retention..."
I'm safe.
"What does this mean?" It's another voice. "Well—"
She's young, and ebullient. She talks with the sort of confidence that only comes from people who know they will be heard. She's articulate but concise.
I know she's miserable.
Her hair is twisted into such a tight ponytail, I can feel the ghost of it aching at the back of my head. Her eyes glimmer desperately for feedback, searching for a response from her audience. Her neutral expression is a forced smile, which leaves her exhausted at the end of the day from stretching her muscles so unnaturally.
What happened to you?
Why are you so unhappy?
What do you owe the world?
✦✦✦✦✦
The first thought I had after the Awakening was fear.
"Live how you want. Say what you want. Be who you want."
This was the message I left behind to myself.
But when I tried to remember why, there was a sharp pain from the back of my head, and I started dry-heaving.
Why was I so frustrated?
I was frustrated at the fact that I was existing, that I was floating in the vacuum of space with no escape. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to turn to, and nowhere to belong.
Another dark thought materialized it in my head, even though I didn't want it to. I thought—
If I couldn't find my own place on this spaceship, if I was alone and isolated even here it would be the end for me. There was no alternative outside these metal confines and I would forever be incarcerated within them. Even when we landed on the planet, I would have nowhere to go, bounded to my mission and unable to survive without depending on the rest of our colony.
It was disturbing.
A death trap.
An inescapable nightmare.
Why had I signed myself up for this in my past life? Was I so desperately seeking a place to belong that I threw myself into a jail cell with a thousand inmates in order to escape my loneliness?
I wanted out.
But I couldn't get out.
I wanted to leave.
But I couldn't leave.
Live how you want? Say how you want? Be who you want?
But what is it that I want?
✦✦✦✦✦
A chime passes through the room. I jolt awake in shock. I can't believe I fell asleep.
That guy blabbering on the screen was right: cognitive psychology is very important. Maybe if I stayed awake and learned about how to stay awake, I wouldn't have fallen asleep.
What a revelation.
"It's breakfast time," A-93 Pigtails says to me. "You slept through the entire 6 hours of lessons."
"Thanks," I reply, flustered. "Wait... you stayed awake through all of that?"
The girl gives me a sideways glance. "Yeah? So did everyone else. It really wasn't that difficult. Besides, we've slept for who-knows-how-long before the Awakening, so honestly I don't understand how you could go back to sleep immediately."
All the words hanging in the air were tossed out of her mouth rapid-fire.
"Um, oka-a-ay," I draw out my words, looking away from her. "Thank you for being so sunny and helpful and not at all condescending." It felt good to say that. Her eye twitches.
I don't really want to talk to her right now, but I'm frazzled and my head still aches so I ask her, "Where do we go now?"
"Back to our dorms." A-93 Pigtails stretches loudly. "I'm Isominé, by the way."
"I'm Kari Z-64," I cautiously give her hand a shake.
She pauses for a moment. "Nice to meet you. I'm probably going to head out now."
I think she wants me to walk back with her, but I don't really want to. If I force myself to go with her when I'm not feeling it, then we're not going to have a good time anyways. "I'll see you later."
Now that she's gone I realize I have no way of getting back. These corridors all look the same. Who designed this ship?!
"Kari!" I hear Kassia's chipper voice and feel a wave of relief wash over me. She turns the corner with another person from our home base by her side— the good-looking one. Lance?
She must have dragged him all the way here, because he trails behind her with confusion twisting his pretty features. As they approach me Lance(?) says, "Kassia told me you were directionally-challenged, so we came to get you."
I cross my arms and shoot Kassia a dark glare.
Kassia grins. "I was going to make a joke and say you were as directionally-challenged as you were vertically-challenged but I thought it was super mean; and I could only say it to your face if I was going to say it at all; so here we are, because of course I was going to say it; because it's so funny," Kassia pretends to wipe tears of laughter from her eyes as if she just told the greatest joke of all time.
I'm not laughing.
Lance(?) is, but even so he admonishes her. "Alright, that's enough of you teasing Kari for today. I can't believe we have such a troublemaker in our home base."
"Kari's not a troublemaker—"
"I was talking about you, Kassia Z-64."
"What?!" Kassia's face melts into a silent wail. "Me? You think I'm a troublemaker, Lance?!"
"To be honest, I don't know how to deal with loud people like her," he whispers to me at a volume where he knows she can hear. He's teasing her with the most devilish smile.
"Loud?! Me?!"
"Yes."
"Lance... I'm going to start crying if you keep saying stuff like that!" Kassia's voice actually clips at the end, threatening tears.
"See, isn't she a troublemaker?"
"Yeah," I nod.
"But I guess some people might find it cute," he playfully shoots his eyes at her.
"Cute?" She doubles over, as if shot by an arrow.
Compared to my interaction with Isominé earlier, this is very refreshing.
"Anyways, let's go eat breakfast!" Kassia coughs and changes the topic, flustered. "I'm so-o-o-o hungry."
She rubs her stomach and slouches like an old man as we walk down the hall. I wonder how she can do such a thing in public, when other crewmates are staring at her. I don't think I'm brave enough yet.
Not that I would do that even if I had all the courage in the world.
"Kari, try to remember the way back," Kassia says over her shoulder.
"Although if you get lost again, we don't mind coming to pick you up," Lance adds.
Suddenly, it's as if a gust of wind hits me in the throat. Kassia and Lance are just being nice, but I feel almost suffocated by their consideration.
It's a strange feeling, but I swallow it down.
✦✦✦✦✦
When we finally reach home base, we find the other two members already inside, along with a large mound of vegetables. Kassia's face loses colour. "Wait Xander, are you—"
"Oh hey, welcome back!" Xander greets us. He picks up a carrot from the counter and says, "Look at the fruits of my labour, harvested straight from the Greenhouse. Don't they look amazing?"
"Yeah, they look great," Lance says in awe.
"Thanks! Rina and I are going to prepare breakfast," Xander announces, ebullient from Lance's compliments, "I'm sure I have some culinary prowess as a botanist." He lifts up his arm and flexes non-existent muscles.
"Um," Kassia puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head. "I'm not sure— hm. Hm..." she repeats. "Maybe Lance and I can give you a hand? Better to have more people in the kitchen, right?"
Xander looks visibly offended at her lack of faith in him, but relents to the suggestion anyways. "Okay, I guess first we should decide what we're making," he hums while running his harvest under some warm water.
"We can consult the wristwatch," Rina suggests. As she begins scrolling through recipes intensely, my stomach growls like a wild animal.
"Can we have waffles?" I ask impulsively. This is the will of my rumbly belly.
"We don't have flour yet," Xander shrugs off my request. "The horticulturalists are working with the manufacturers tomorrow on it."
"So there are just vegetables." I state, well-aware that I'm pouting like a child.
"What do you mean just vegetables?!"
"It's alright, no need to fight." Rina raises a hand, as if she's a referee in this match between Xander and me. "Let's make potato waffles."
"Potato... waffles?" I almost spit out the words, which I never would have imagined strung together. Waffles are a sacred food, and should not be entangled with such spouty things that grow underground away from sunlight. "What the heck are those?"
"They're like potato cakes shaped like waffles," Lance explains.
"Potato... cakes?!"
"Just wait and see," Rina smiles mysteriously.
✦✦✦✦✦
Insanity. Potato waffles, they're...
"Really good."
"Haha!" Xander jumps up, causing his chair to slide into Lance's. "Potatoes!"
"I'm glad you like them," Rina covers her mouth as she chews, ignoring his outburst. I noticed this earlier, but she carries herself with the aura of an elderly person.
"Rina, you're a fantastic chef," Lance comments.
"Thanks," she twirls a strand of hair in front of her face.
"Ah, I really missed this," Kassia sounds like she's about to cry again.
As they continue bantering over the heap of potato waffles in the centre of our dining table, the suffocating feeling from earlier in the hallway returns in my throat. I'm starting to have difficulty eating.
Why am I so uncomfortable in this warmth? What is this terrible concoction of happiness and sadness pressing against my neck?
Just ignore it, Kari. This is probably a painful reflex from a past I can't remember, so why should I even bother with it?
But... why do I still remember all these terrible emotions from the past when I can't even remember what triggered them? It's an unfair deal.
"Kari, how was your morning?" Rina nudges me out of my thoughts.
I admit to them that I fell asleep during the entire 6 hours, but try to sound confident about it to minimize the shame.
There is no minimizing the shame.
Kassia starts laughing like a lunatic, slapping the table. "Jeez... that's so funny," she leans back in her chair and tosses me a stupid look. "I can't believe you napped right after we woke up from 30 years of sleep!"
"Six full hours is way more than a nap!" Xander exclaims.
"It's a short night's sleep," Lance agrees.
"Short like Kari," Kassia smirks.
"Short like Kari," he nods along.
"In my defense, my head has been all fuzzy since the Awakening," I cross my arms and shoot them all a glare, but especially Kassia and Lance.
"Do you want to come to the Med Bay after lunch? I can give you a checkup," Rina offers.
"No, I'm better now," I say curtly. Then I add, "I wouldn't want to trouble you."
Rina looks shocked. "No, it's not any trouble at all. This is my responsibility."
"Really, I'm fine," I assert. When I see the shocked look on her face, I realize maybe I was too cold. "But thanks for offering."
Her expression relaxes, and she gives me a polite smile. "Okay, just let me know if you're ever feeling unwell. Or any of you. Even if it's something simple, like an itchy nose."
"Safa, you're a literal angel," Kassia clasps her hands together as if praying to Rina's presence. Then all of our watches chime.
"Back to class," Lance reads.
He gets up and collects all of our dishes as if the habit is ingrained in him, but as soon as he lays the dishes in the sink, a jet of water hits his hands. Lance yelps and jumps back, crashing into Kassia behind him and sending them both tumbling down onto the ground.
"Who's a troublemaker now?" Kassia accuses him joyously.
"Says the person who elbowed a kid from R-22 into his robot earlier today," Lance smiles back at her, unfazed. "He had to go to the Med Bay."
"Wait, that was you, Kassia?" Rina gasps.
Kassia looks deeply offended, "Woah there, buddy, don't go digging up the past like that—"
"I'm just saying, a pot shouldn't call the kettle black, right?"
"Um! We should probably go," Xander interjects shyly. "We don't want to be late."
"Let's just conclude that you're both troublemakers and end it at that," Rina nods.
Lance and Kassia blink at her, then nod obediently. Xander helps the two of them up from the ground; then, the five of us leave Home Base.
"Do you need help getting to the South Wing?" Kassia puts her hand on my shoulder, but I wave her away and trudge onwards on my own.
As the distance between me and the others grows, I hear Lance shout, "Don't fall asleep for another six hours!" which comes with a free side of the rest of them chuckling.
The knot in my throat comes undone.