Two friends sat beside each other, cigarettes burning between their fingers. They were supposed to leave the camp in the morning, but now when Merle was really gone, neither of them knew what to do. Sun was slowly raising. Few people took care of burying the bodies, as the rest made use of the little time they got left to say goodbye to their loved ones.
"They want to go to CDC." Daryl said waiting for any reaction from Kai's side. He silently wished for the younger to choose either they want to stay with the group or not.
"For what?" Kim's expression stayed unchanged.
"I don't know. They hope it'd be safe out there. The Jim guy got bit. They want the scientists to cure him." A pitied grin appeared on Kai's face. There was no cure, he was somehow sure of that.
"You want to go with them?" Daryl only shrugged.
"Do we have any other plan?"
"So CDC it is." Younger sighed heavily. He didn't really like the idea of staying with those people. They couldn't feel safe around them and vision of being constantly worried of his and Daryl's well being didn't seem like a nice thing. But he could sense that Daryl felt differently. He wanted to stay. After Merle was gone he didn't want them to be left all alone, and Kai respected that need.
After sometime everyone got they things packed, being ready to leave. Two friends got into Merle's old truck. The silence between them was uncommonly uncomfortable.
"You good?" Younger Dixon tried to make up for any conversation. He somehow hated how down Kai seemed to be.
"Nah..." Asian man only whispered in response. "It's weird to not have him around."
"At least no one is calling you a fag anymore..." Daryl's attempt to light up the mood only made it worse.
He was right, Merle loved to insult Kai by his accusations, but hearing this from Daryl's mouth was different. It made Kim's chest burn with pain which was hitting so deep, he could feel it in his bones.
"Maybe he was right though? No girl for thirty fucking years of my life?" Kai tried to turn it into a joke.
"Don't even scare me like that. I'm older than you and beside that one time with drunk Betty I also didn't have anyone. I'm still no gay, neither are you." A bitter taste made a quick comeback on Kai's tongue. With each conversation like that, he grew even more sure of how Daryl would hate him if he knew the truth. And with each of those thoughts he felt even more ashamed by himself.
Kai sank deeper into his seat, letting his body language to reveal how uncomfortable he was. Luckily for him, Daryl didn't seem to pay much attention to his behavior. He drove in silence, focusing on the road.
***
Rest of the travel wasn't as peaceful as it was supposed to be. They've stopped at least three times. Two because of the crappy engine in the RV, and once because of Jim. The guy wasn't doing well. The fever hit him with triple force, making them all understand that he won't make it. Jim wasn't stupid himself. Knowing his fate, he asked for a gun and demanded to be left behind.
"If this ever happens to me, I want you to kill me." Kai said as he and Daryl got back to their truck. Older only glared at him in confusion.
"It won't." Just the thought of losing his friend made the Dixon feel uneasy.
"You don't know that. And if it happens I need you to know what I want to be done. I don't want to wonder around the world, decomposing, eating some covered in shit animals, or worse – people."
"Why are you always like this?" Daryl's voice sounded already annoyed.
"Like what?" Kim asked, taking out another cigarette from an almost empty box.
"Like you always think about all of the worst shit that could possibly happen." To Kai's surprise Dixon was tensed as ever, gripping tightly on the steering wheel.
"Geez and why are you so pressed? If you don't like it you can put me in another truck." It wasn't surprising for Kai to hear no answer for his proposition. No matter what, Daryl wanted to have him close. "That's what I thought."
Asian man reached out his arm with lighten cigarette between his fingers, offering to share with his friend.
"Oh come on, I know you want some..." He said, seeing how hesitant Daryl was. Older glared at Kai, slowly taking the cigarette from him.
"I just don't want to lose anyone else." Daryl said between taking the puffs. Air in the car slowly became grey, making them open the windows a bit.
"Yeah, me neither, yet you're the first one to hop on and do all of the most dangerous shit. You think I'm okay with that, or simply just don't care?"
"I just want you to be safe..." Older said with a strange dose of shame in his voice.
"And do I look like some child with disability to you?" Kai's eyebrow shot up in an asking manner.
"No, but you act like one." Daryl spat out. He could clearly see that Kai didn't feel well, but his attitude made it extremely hard to talk to him. It felt like younger had some problem, which was involving the Dixon strongly enough to be greeted by this annoying as hell defense mode.
"Great." Kai spat out, yanking the cig out of Daryl's hands.
Older only scoffed at his actions, being grateful that their travel was almost finished. The building of CDC slowly showed up on the horizon.
As soon as they stepped out of the car, an awful smell hit their noses. Their surroundings looked like a graveyard, full of decomposing bodies.
"I don't think there will be any shelter here, Rick..." Shane stated, already wanting to get out of here and hit the road once again.
They all got to the entrance which was shut close. Night was right behind their backs. Few of the dead got on their feet thanks to the noise the group has made.
"Rick come on, we gotta go!" They all got tensed as more walkers started approaching them.
"N-no, there's someone in there! The camera just moved!" Rick mumbled, sounding completely crazy.
Kai along with Daryl aimed their weapons at the walking corpses. Each member of the group looked at the sheriff with worried expression.
"We are women, children, with no food, hardly any gas left. Please, if you can hear me, let us in!"
"Rick, there's no point!" Shane tried to drag him away from the doors.
"By not letting us in, you're killing us! You hear me?! You're killing us!"
And as they all started to head back to their vehicles, a sudden white light hit their faces. The doors had opened, reviling one man standing with a rifle at the entrance.
"What do you want from me?" The man asked.
"A chance" Sheriff took the leadership right away.
"That's asking an awful lot these times." They all got closer to the building, willing to get in. "If you have anything to bring in, do it now. Once those doors close, they won't open again." He said stepping aside to create some space between him and the group.
***
To stay, they needed to summon a blood test. It was absolutely pointless, but doctor Jenner still insisted. Kai was one of the last ones to have their blood tested. He sat on the chair next to Jenner and pulled up his sleeve, reviling plenty of old scars clearly made by needles. The scientist only sighed at this sight, knowing damn well how hard it is to pierce a vain on drug addicts arm.
"So you want my finger or the other arm?" Kim scoffed seeing Jenner's expression.
"Other arm..." The doctor said, being clearly resigned. "You're still using?"
"You're so straight forward... At least take me for a dinner first." Kai giggled, proud of his own joke. "Nah, I'm probably around a year clear."
"Yeah, good to know." Shane scoffed with a sassy manner. Of course Kai hasn't told the group about his old addiction. Why would he? They fucking killed his friend and all they do now is sending him those worry looks.
Uncomfortable silence kept their side as doctor examined the Asian man. Kai stiffened when Jenner touched the wound on the back of his head. His encounter with Ed will definitely leave a scar.
"It needs stitches. Can I?" Before younger could answer, Daryl quickly nodded his head, telling doctor to take care of that wound.
Kai's eyes immediately landed on his friend. The audacity Daryl felt to decide for him made his eyes narrow. Not only they spent last few hours arguing, but now Dixon still had no shame to baby him in front of others. It felt embarrassing.
After a while his head was all stitched up. The group was lead to the dining area. They didn't need a lot of time to feel all relaxed. As soon as alcohol was brought to the table the party has began. It felt weird to see so many happy people at once. Kai could even say it made him feel uneasy. He knew he wasn't supposed to drink, but he decided to ignore his own rule this time. The whole world has ended, a pint of wine wouldn't change a thing. Or a bottle, or even few of them. So he drank as much as he wanted, trying to ignore glances send to him by Daryl.
Whole CDC felt like a dream and it got even better as Jenner mentioned showers with hot water. In a matter of seconds they got on their feet and headed towards the said bathrooms.
Kai tried to be sneaky with the liqueur bottle he has brought with himself to the shower. He took few quick sips before stepping into the cabin. A familiar and so missed feeling of warmth filled his throat, but as soon as hot drops of water hit his skin, something felt wrong. That weird heaviness appeared in his heart, slowly spreading to his lungs and stomach. He knew that feeling, and he recognized perfectly well the shame that comes with it. For the first time in years he was actually drunk.
Kai's relationship with alcohol was quite unusual. In his early twenties he drank heavily, not being able to spend even one day sober. It was right before he redirected to his mother's path and started using drugs. Daryl used to be extremely unhappy with his addiction, making him to stop. At that time younger Dixon wasn't aware that his own brother was sabotaging his actions by giving Kai an easy access to all kinds of drugs.
Kim's head came back to the memory of Daryl's disappointed face, when he found out about the new addiction. Cold shivers appeared on his spine, taking him back to that moment. He could feel all of the shame once again. Daryl's betrayed voice rang in his ears. Till this day Kai didn't understand why his friend was so hurt back then. It almost felt like he cared. Like he didn't see Kim as a disgusting, unworthy thing he was and still is. Like he wasn't broken, like he was worth saving.
Hot tears falling from his cheeks brought him back to the reality. Reality in which he proved once again how weak he really was. The world has ended and here he was, drunk as hell, crying over nothing in the shower. That was pathetic.
He was pathetic.
Kai weakly grabbed the liqueur bottle and took few more sips. He knew damn well that it won't help, but he didn't know any other way to make himself feel better. Kim was a master of self-destruction.
With each ounce of alcohol entering his bloodstream, breathing became only harder and harder. In a matter of seconds his stomach forced him to get out of the shower and kneel in front of the toilet. Sounds of gags filled the bathroom, creating even more tears in Kai's eyes. He felt terrible and so good at the same time. It felt like a punishment he deserved and needed so badly. Every meal he ate today found its way to the toilet, leaving him with nothing but half empty alcohol bottle, which seemed to be winking to him in an flirtatious way.
Kai slowly stumbled towards his clothes, not caring about drying his body before putting them back on. Hallways were already empty, no one bothered him as he headed to his shared room.
To Kim's surprise, Daryl wasn't sleeping yet. Instead he was sitting on a bed, facing the doors that just opened.
"You're proud of yourself?" Older asked clearly disappointed. Kai didn't even bother to answer him, keeping his head down. Dixon quickly got up from his seat, getting extremely close to his friend. His firm grip found its way to the bottle Kai was carrying. It didn't take a lot of strength to take it away.
"It's mine-"
"I don't give a shit! The hell you're doing huh? Getting back to that shit all again?! And for what?! No one is fucking impressed!" Daryl shouted right at his face. Kai's breath hitched as he slowly raised his head up, looking Daryl in the eyes. Older immediately noticed how red Kim's orbs were. His lips were swollen a little, forming into a pitiful pout. "What is wrong Kai?" Dixon's tone softened a bit.
"I –I can't tell you... Can I have it back?" Kai mumbled reaching for the bottle.
"Nah. Why? Why can't you tell me? For my whole life I thought we were friends. So what is it Kai? You're using again? The hell is wrong with you?" Daryl pushed away Kim's hand which was trying to grab for the alcohol. Older man's stare was firm, judging him from up and down.
And younger? The younger felt like he was dying. What was he supposed to say? That he can't pretend anymore? That he's absolutely sure that he is gay, and loves his friend more than he has ever loved anyone in this life? That he is tired of hiding and living in that everlasting sin? That he's not feeling well with the awareness of how big of a disappointment he is?
Kim's lower lip trembled, similarly to his constantly shaking hands. He was disgusted by himself, almost feeling like throwing up once again.
"Why are you crying Kai?" This time Daryl's voice also got weaker and much more quiet. He moved a little closer to his friend, carefully observing his pained expression.
Kai couldn't even look back at him. The feeling of shame grew only bigger and bigger. He could feel how Daryl tried to touch his arm, making him flinch in discomfort. As new tears slowly formed under his eyelids, he finally understood.
What is the point of hiding? Pretending like he's not already alone? Like he has anything more than his pathetic self?
Kim looked up, trying to force any words to leave his mouth. God, this was so wrong. He couldn't just tell Daryl the truth. His own body made sure that he won't be able to say a word towards the older. Every time he tried to explain himself, a pathetic sob was making its way out of his throat, making him feel only worse.
Daryl was shocked at this sight. He has never seen his friend being so helpless, not even when he found him all panicked right after overdosing. Kai now looked like a pure sorrow. Just by watching this scene, he could feel his own heart ache.
"You would hate me if you knew the r- reason..." Asian man sobbed out. "I- I'm sorry, this is pathetic I-" He wasn't given to finish as Daryl leaned to hug him with a dose of hesitation.
His warm embrace made Kai quiet for a moment. It felt good... It always felt good when Daryl hugged him, even though it happens so rarely.
His hot tears sank into Daryl's t-shirt. Kai felt anything but pure pain, pulsing throughout his whole body. But with that warmth another dose of shame got applied into his veins. He couldn't stand that touch, not now, when Daryl was still unaware of what it really meant to him. Because if he knew, he would never let Kai to get so close to him. Younger tried to slip out of his friends grip, but Dixon's arms were much stronger than he assumed.
All that Daryl's thoughts were focused on was to make his "little brother" feel better. He couldn't stand seeing him in pain, and he knew, whatever was happening, it was extremely serious. Even the death of Kai's mother was too weak to make him cry. And now there he was, sobbing over something that must be so bad that it made him literally unable to speak.
Kai tried once again to separate from his friend, still being extremely unsuccessful.
"I'm gay." He weakly whispered.
"What?" Dixon wasn't sure if he understood him right. Because what he heard was absolutely impossible.
"I'm gay." Younger repeated this time a bit louder.
It took only a second for Daryl's warm embrace to disappear for good. Older quickly backed away, his face showing pure confusion, just as Kai expected him to do.
"I –I found out a long time ago. Richard once found a gay magazine in my drawer, that's why he hated me so much. T- that's why he would beat me so badly. A- and I understand if y- you will also do so..." His voice got quiet again, almost turning into a whisper. Kai's stare was stuck on the ground, unable to watch his friend's reaction.
"No, you're not." Older tried to deny the truth. All of the colors disappeared from his face. "I know you for so long, you're not... Merle was just joking..." His voice was slowly getting firm.
"I am, Daryl. I really am..." From all of the reactions he imagined to receive, this was the worst one. He could take the anger, he could stand the disgust, but silence melted with denial felt like the worst punishment.
Because Daryl didn't say any other word to him. All he did was staring at the younger with that weird expression. It almost looked like the feeling of betrayal slowly painted its way on Dixon's face.
"I'm sorry, I really am..." Fresh tears stained Kim's face, even though he thought that it's impossible to cry even more. "Just say something to me... p- please..." But Daryl only stared at him with that non understandable look.
"I will go sleep somewhere else." The older firmly said and got out of their room before Kai could say anything more. He didn't even care about Kim's liqueur which he was still holding in his hands, being actually glad to be the one to empty the bottle in a moment.
Just like that, Kai was left all alone in that small room, feeling like he's not able to move even a bit. His eyes were wide in pain. He felt like someone just took a hold on his heart, ripping it out of his chest, leaving him with nothing but that haunting void .