Dehradun.
It's the only thing in my mind, in my eyes, in my heart, right now. I wish- this was just a dream. Today I was given a new rank and the same day I've been asked to go back to my past.
I hate it.
I hate her.
"Subah ke saath baje ki flight hai," Kyra informs. "Mai paanch baje tak tujhe pick up karungi," She glances at me. Her one hand on gear and other handling steering wheel.
[We have a flight at seven a.m,]
[I'll pick you up by five,]
Kyra said that only I and she, are posted for Dehradun. I feel it's weird, because Dehradun has the best officers. They don't need anyone to be posted there. Especially not so common officers like me and Kyra.
We have to report there by eleven a.m. So, Kyra is driving me to my home and she'll go back to hers from there.
I'm proceeding to my home,after six fucking months. I can't believe I've doing all this hardwork, just to be posted to Dehradun?
"Time par ready rehna," Kyra orders me, breaking me from my thoughts and I realise that we're right in front of my house's black gate which has a name board 'COLONEL RAWAT' on it.
[Be ready, on time,]
"Haan," I say unlocking the car aperture and adjusting my bag on my shoulders. "Hamesha toh mai hi late kartiu hu," I say sarcastically and she grins. I close the door.
[Yes,]
[It's always me, who's late,]
Kyra waves at me, reverses her car and she's gone in a minute.
I turn and look at my home. It's same like the six months before. The same entrance , same peach colour walls, the same glass windows and the same feeling I get when I look at it- disheartened feeling.
I enter the gate, unlock the beige brown door and take my first step with my right foot.
I lock the door and switch on the lights.
My eyes widen at the look of my messed house. All of the clothes are strewed, utensils are dirty and all over the living room. It's dirty as hell.
Wait-
Did someone intrude? Because there's no way- this place can be like this.
My hand automatically curls around the cool metal of my gun. I pull out my gun from the holder secured around my waist.
I take swift movements, my eyes scanning everything around the living room. I check, kitchen, Mr. Anup's room, and backyard. I don't spot anything suspicious. Everything is fine except the mess in living room.
Now, only first floor two rooms and terrace is left to check. I climb first floor and switch on the lights.
I see light coming from one of the room. My body naturally becomes stiff, and my arms folds, bringing the gun close to my ears.
I can't hear anything, but I can feel there's someone inside.
I dash into the room, aiming my gun at someone wearing black hoodie.
"Haath upar!" I order, my voice rough.
[Hands up!]
His hands rise up in air. I don't see him moving. He's in my brother's room and sitting at his computer watching something.
"Turn," I order him. He turns, spinning his rolling chair and his head low.
"Kaun ho tum?" I question with flat tone.
[Who are you?]
His right hand reaches his head and my finger reaches the trigger. He removes his hoodie cap revealing his dark brown hair.
My eyes narrow and then widens when I see my brother grinning at me.
"Vihaan?!" I shout, with knitted brows.
"Kya di?" Vihaan pouts and stands. I put my gun back in it's place and shift myself towards him. "Sirf cheh mahine mein, aap apne bhai ko bhul gaye," He whines sitting on bed.
[What sis?]
[In only six months, you've forgotten your brother,]
My hand reaches his ear and I rotate it with only twenty five percent of my power.
"Ahh! Ah! Ah!" He grumbles holding my hand and trying his best to release his ear.
"Ghar ki kya halat banayi hai tune?" I demand him and my eyes scan his painful face.
[What have to done to home?]
"Ah! Di, dard ho raha hai," He groans and I release his ear to let him answer. He rubs his ear vigorously to relieve the pain.
[Ah! Sis, it's paining,]
I'm staring at him to give a clue—to answer me.
"Ugh," his hand rubs back of his head and he gives an awkward grin.
"Mai bas saaf karne wala tha," He inelegantly gazes around his room.
[I was going to clean up,]
"Tu yaha kya kar raha?" I ask him. Because he was supposed to stay at my aunt's place. He wasn't supposed to stay here alone. I, myself dropped him to my aunt's home and asked her to look after him.
[What are you doing here?]
"Bua ke ghar par padhayi nahi ho rahi thi," he babbles with a wobbly tone. I raise my brow and give him a 'are you sure?' look.
[I wasn't able to study at aunt's place,]
I shift my view to his computer and he does the same. The screen has some cartoon faces. I look at him and his eyes meet mine.
I sigh.
"Bua ke ghar par padhayi nahi ho rahi thi ya cartoon nai dekh paa raha tha?" I question with a hint of anger in my voice.
[You weren't able to study or watch cartoon,]
"Cartoon nahi!" he retorts. "Anime hai voh," His mouth curves into a frown.
[It's not cartoon!]
[Its Anime,]
"Jo bhi hai," I state not bothered. "Tu yaha ghar par kyu hai?" I press with fury.
[Whatever it is,]
[Why are you here?]
"Aap jaante ho na bua ko- voh mujhe roz taane maar rahi thi," he finally admits and sits with a frown.
[You know how aunt is- she ridiculed me everyday,]
"Toh unhone roka nahi?" I inquire. He shakes his head left and right.
[So, she didn't stop you?]
I run my hand through hair. What the fuck is wrong with her?! How could she leave a fifteen year kid on his own?
"Kabse yaha par hai? Aur khana- kaise aur kya kha raha hai?" I'm frustrated now.
[Since when you're here? And what about food- what did you eat?]
"Di! Don't worry," he says with a smile. He grabs my wrist and pulls me to sit on bed.
[Sis! Don't worry,]
"Mai sirf do mahine se ya hu," he assures. Two months?! Aunt is fucking annoying.
[I'm here since only two months,]
"Aur mere dost mujhe apne ghar se kuch laakar dete hai," his hands reaches for mine and he holds them. His eyes turn soft and he gives me a sad smile.
[And my friends bring me something to eat,]
"Lekin abh mujhe lagta uski zarurat nahi padhegi," he smiles more. "Aap jo aagaye ho," His eyes glow with happiness.
[But I don't think it's needed anymore,]
[Since you're here,]
I've seen him after six months. That's alot for me. For him. We've never been that distanced before. I wanna know why he didn't say me anything about what he's going through even though he reached out to me everyday.
He cried when he got to know, I won't be there for a longer time. Mr. Rawat was never his companion since he was born. Never mine too. We've been eachother's companions for this long.
"Aap chutti par ho di?" He questions with hope in his voice. I don't want to disappoint him. I hate myself for leaving him alone. I hate that I'm doing the same to him what our mother did to us.
[Are you on a holiday, Sis?]
"Pehle ghar saaf kar," I command him, leaving his soft hands. I want to hurt myself for hurting him. I don't want to give him any hope that would break him.
[Clean the home, first,]
I stand up and he does the same. His small face becomes serious. His eyes still have some hope that I'd be staying for few days.
"Mai kamre mein hu, sab saaf karne ke baad baat karenge," I finish not giving him a glance. I guess- I need some time to be prepared for destroying his hope.
[I'm in my room, we'll talk after you clean everything,]
I walk off his room to my room. I lean on the door and take a deep breath, hold it for a while and release. My lips purse and I blink to understand what emotions I need to be having right now.
My brother is my priority and I have my own duties for my country. How can I manage all this? I need his support. I don't want him to have a lonely life like me.
~~~~~
I'm staring at myself in mirror. I'm observing my brown eyes- with no emotions, my brown hair-tied in a bun, my dark green uniform- having a national emblem on each shoulder and my left side of chest- having a batch that writes 'Aria Rawat'.
I wish- I could look at my heart too, through this mirror, to know whether it's made up of a stone or no.
I've packed everything in a travelling bag, but I need to check, just incase I've left anything out. I head towards the wardrobe, open it's doors, and check between the clothes. I find nothing, that could be taken with me. So, I withdraw my hands.
Something falls near my foot. Something like book. Something like a diary. I reach out for it. My hands curling around its rough-soft texture. The back of it having army cover. I turn it, revealing the same army cover to the front.
That's not a book. Those were my emotions at some point. Those were all of my thoughts at some point. Those words were written by me to know myself better, to know what I really felt- eight years ago.
The same emotions I don't feel anymore.
I touch my name on it. 'CADET ARIA RAWAT'. My hands are shaking. The same hands that has never hesitated to shoot the target. The same hands with which I have climbed heights that resulted in pain for several days.
I open it. The first page, all empty except that middle one line.
"ARMY- ARIA RAWAT'S 'MAJOR' YEARNING"
My heart sinks.
My trembling fingers turns to the second page, it's not my mind that wants to read the shit I've written eight years ago, it's my damn heart.
Army; Day: 1 Date: 14/01/20__
Memoirs of me,
Today; the day-I've been dreaming of, the day I've been trying so hard to see this sunrise, the day my heart, my mind, my soul wanted, the day..... I've finally got this uniform on my frame, the day I've finally entered army officially. "Overall, the first day in the army is designed to acclimatize recruits to the training environment, establish discipline and routine, and set the tone for the rigorous training ahead. It marks the beginning of your journey towards becoming competent and disciplined soldiers or officers in the armed forces", our training incharge, Lieutenant Kian Mehra, gave us his ending words. I've heard that he's one of the best in the cant. at his position. We didn't train that much today, for me to know his skills but he's intresting. He didn't blink for once till he ended his speech, didn't utter any nonsense that would waste our time. In those long queues it was too difficult for me to notice his features, but anyhow I tried. My eyes scanned his presence like they couldn't resist. His perfectly cut, black hair, his black eyes, his sharp jaw, his tanned face which holds a scar on his forehead, his focused gaze on everyone, his straight nose, his straight posture that holds muscles all over his body, his lips that made me forget where I was, his confident tone which was too hard for me not to notice. He's too perfect, just perfect. I've seen army men since my birth, but I've never seen such a man with so strong features. I want to know more about him, but that's secondary. First comes, my service to my country.
~A.R
I hear a knock. I take a glance at clock and it shows four thirty in morning. Vihaan didn't visit me later. I thought I'll just inform him before leaving so that he wouldn't get time for his anger and I could go without making him furious.
I throw the diary and it lands softly on bed, I step towards the brown door to look at my brother's presence.
I open the door and look at his small figure. He's already frowning. He looks at me with those puppy eyes like he always does, when he's about to cry.
"Aap sach mein jaa rahe ho?" he asks with a low voice.
[You're leaving for real?]
"Hmm," I reply looking at wooden floor.
"Kyu?" His voice is low. I look at him.
[Why?]
"Dehradun mein posting huyi hai," I inform with seriousness in my tone.
[I'm posted in Dehradun,]
His eyes water. The shine in his eyes make me weak, make me change my decisions and make me forget everything.
But I can't- I can't forget what I do. I swallow something hard in my throat and look at the photo frame behind him. Three people standing when there should be four. Mr. Rawat, me and him, standing as if we're strangers. The walls are witness that nothing in this home feels home. I'm trying hard to avoid looking at his face, his presence is the only one that changes me.
"Apna saaman pack kar," I say him looking over his shoulder. "Tu Kyra ke ghar par rahega,"
[Pack your stuff,]
[You'll stay at Kyra's place,]
~~~~~~
Forty three minutes, Vihaan didn't talk to me. Twenty seven minutes, I've been glancing him through rearview.
"Oye, itni khamoshi kyu chaayi hai aaj?" Kyra breaks this silence after every five minutes. She turns her head to view Vihaan's face and then I feel her glance at me.
[Oh, why is it so silent today?]
"Kya kaha tune usko?" Kyra leans and whispers.
I look at her concerned brown orbs and shift my view to the empty road. She sits right back in her driving position and adjusts the rearview to take a look at Vihaan.
"Chalo bhai, mai hi apna dukhda suna deti hu," Kyra sighs with a frown. "Kisi ne mujhe challenge kiya tha," she says sneaking a peek at Vihaan through mirror. "Ki boyfriend dhunde ke batao," She sighs again and I notice her mischevious smile. She taps her fingers on steering wheel.
[Okay then, I'll start with my sad stories,]
[Someone had challenged me,]
[To get a boyfriend,]
Yes, this is the only thing he can, and he always teases her for. The desperation Kyra has to find a boyfriend is unimaginable and from the time Vihaan has known about it, he loves teasing her.
"Toh mila?!" Vihaan jumps between our seats and tries hard to look at Kyra's face. I purse my lips hard, to avoid laughing at his innocence.
[So did you get?!]
"Kaun hai? Army mein hai? Mai jaanta hu?" He questions in a breath and Kyra starts laughing. Her left hand ruffles his hair and he realises he shouldn't be excited right when he's not talking to me. He gives me a side glance and moves back. He folds his hands and his face turn red.
[Who's he? Is he in army? Do I know him?]
"Nahi," Kyra speaks between her laugh.
[No,]
"Lekin, koi hai jise mai pasand karti hu," I hear her say, I turn and furrow my brows at her. She never said me she likes anyone.
[But, there is someone whom I like,]
Kyra winks at me and I know it's another trap of her's.
"Puch to sahi," She shifts her head at him.
[Ask me,]
Vihaan doesn't say anything but I know he wants to know. His eyes keep glancing at my direction but he doesn't notice I'm looking at him.
"Chal, ek hint deti hu," she takes right and enters her colony.
[Okay, I'll give you a hint,]
"Uska naam, E se shuru hota hai,"
[His name starts with an E,]
"E se?" He asks spinning his head at her.
[With E?]
"Haan,"
[Yes,]
"Eshan?"
"Nahi, uski toh shaadi hogayi hai," Kyra's face turns into a frown.
[No, he's married,]
"Eshwar?"
"C'mon Vihaan, Eshwar sir mujhse chaalees saal bade hain," Kyra whines as if her image is being hurt.
[C'mon Vihaan, Eshwar sir is elder to my by forty years,]
"Arey, aap hi bata do," Vihaan grumbles with his irritated and curious look.
[Ugh, then you tell me,]
Kyra stops the car opposite to her house.
"Idhar aa," she removes seatbelt and turns her torso in his direction.
[Come here,]
He leans in and Kyra curls her hands around his ear to say something slowly.
"Eren Yeager!!!" She shouts and my ears almost bleed. Vihaan closes his ear and eyes because of her sudden scream.
Eren Yeagaar?
He moves back and I see his face muscles relax. I hear him laugh. I'm hearing him laugh? I refuse to believe my ears and turn to look at him. His eyes are almost wet and his thirty two teeth showing up, I've seen him laugh after six months. Six months.
"Kya di," He hits Kyra's shoulder.
[What sis?]
"Isliye aap hamesha single rahoge," He says between his laugh and I turn to hide my smile.
[This is why, you'll always stay single,]
He gets off and closes the door.
"Dekha," Kyra taps her shoulder with her neck stiff. "Aise manate hai bacchon ko,"
[Did you see,]
[You have to coax kids like this,]
"Ek minute-" She stops midway and relaxes her neck.
[One minute-]
"Abhi usne kaha, ki mai hamesha single rahungi?" She aks me with her sudden change of expressions.
[Did he say, that I'll stay single forever?]
I nod in yes and she dashes out of the car. I watch her run to Vihaan and she holds him by ear. She says something to him about she won't stay single forever and will find someone soon. He still teases her and they both run into her home.
Sometimes it feels as if they're the real siblings. Kyra cares about him more than me. She's know him since eight years and I've known him since fifteen years. And the difference I see between how I treat him and how she treats him, hurts me, though I've forgotten how it feels like to be hurt.
I can never be a good sister or daughter or something else.
~~~~~~
"Hmm," Kyra sighs still driving to airport.
"Toh, bolenge madam?" She gives a quick glance at me.
"Kya?" I ask her. She really confuses me with her half sentences.
[Will you tell now?]
[What?]
"Vihaan ko kya kaha tune?" She probes with her rare, serious tone.
"Kuch nahi, bas itna ki meri posting huyi hai," I say taking a glimpse of sunlight.
[What did to tell Vihaan?]
[Nothing, just that, I'm posted,]
"Waah!" She slaps her hand on the wheel.
[Wow!]
"Bohot zyada bata diya tune," Her sarcastic tone hits me. I turn to her and she looks at me with disappointment
[Didn't you reveal too much,]
"Tu Major bani hai, cheh mahine ke baad, usse milkar usko yeh batana bhi nahi hua tujhse?" Now I sense anger in her voice.
[You've become a Major, met him after six months and you didn't even tell him that?]
I-I didn't tell him?
"Mai, Mai-" She cut me off.
[I,I-]
"Tu aath saal se mai, mai, hi kar rahi hai," Her jaw flexes. "Kab tak Aria," She smashes her palm on the wheel. "Kab tak?!" She shouts with disappointment.
[You're doing 'I,I' from eight years]
[Until when Aria,]
[Until when?!]
"Past ko lekar kab tak aise apni, uss bachhe ki zindagi kharab karegi," Her foot clamps the break.
[Till when you'll ruining yours and his life by holding onto your past]
We both stare at mostly empty road leading to airport.
I hear her sigh.
"Vihaan sirf tera bhai nahi hai Aria, woh teri zimmedari hai,"
[Vihaan isn't only your brother Aria, hes your responsibility,]
"Tujhe athra saal tak sab mila tha Aria, pyaar, dost, parents, bhai," she pauses like it's too difficult for her to move her lips.
[You've got everything till eighteen years Aria, love, friends, parents, brother,]
"Usko kya mila? Na pyaar, na dost, na parents aur na behen," She releases her breath which she held all this while.
[What did he get? No love, no friends, no parents, and no sister,]
One,
Two,
Three, cars pass by.
"Ek baar kabhi baithkar soch," She starts the engine.
[Sit and think sometime,]
"Ki tere liye important kya hai, tera gam, ya tera bhai," Her voice is calm but it's depressing me. Her foot presses the clutch and I feel the vibrations of road.
[What's important for you, your pain or your brother,]
~~~~~~
15 minutes before landing.
Usko kya mila? Na pyaar, na dost, na parents aur na behen.
[What did he get? No love, no friends, no parents, and no sister,]
Tere liye important kya hai, tera gam, ya tera bhai.
[What's important for you, your pain or your brother,]
Aap agar mere tenth ke result ke din nahi aaye, toh, kabhi mujhse milna mat.
[If you don't come on my tenth result's day, then, don't meet me anytime.]
Why is everything becoming so complicated? Nothing had changed all these years and suddenly everything is against me. My brother, my friend and my fate.
That's why I hate this city. I didn't even reach yet and problems are chasing me.
*DEHRADUN*
Can I say, this was my birth city? No.
Can I say, I've lived my two decades here? No.
Can I say, I've trained here? No.
Can I say, I died here? Yes.
_____________________________
Author's Note
Hi guys!
Sorry for taking this long to update.
And please give me your reviews on first and second chapter.
Bye.