༒︎Damon
***
He stood out in the rain, looking up at me. I don't say anything as I continue to look at him silently.
The way the rain wet him and his clothes. Watching his shirt begin to stick to his skin, his eyes stuck only on me. I could tell he had something to say to me, but I looked the other way.
"You are human, so you can get sick from the rain." He tells me, and I remain silent. "Why are you out here?"
I don't say anything because me bringing it up to him would accomplish nothing.
"I just want to be out here, alone. You...being here, disturbs me."
"I always disturb you even when I'm doing absolutely nothing." He chuckles, and I look over my shoulder at him again.
I saw his eyes become crestfallen as his lips part to speak, only to close again.
"Elio...told me that you think you saw your brother."
My eyes narrow on him, turning all the way around to him. He wasn't looking at me the same way and I could tell he was going about this differently.
I decided to not...lash out at him, nodding.
"Yeah...I think I did." I admit, my hand tightening on the railing. "It doesn't matter though. I will never...be able to see him again. It was by chance, and there is no guarantee I will see him again. Elio got in the way of me knowing for certain...and then you appeared."
Aleksandr nods slowly, and I could tell that he questioned if he should even ask me anything.
"How did he look?"
I sigh, leaning against the balcony rails as I close my eyes.
Remembering his grey eyes similar to mine...he looked kind of good. Healthy...but not as healthy as he could've been.
Taller than the vampire he was beside...but there's no guarantee that is him.
"He looked...good." I respond, lowering my head. "He looked fine, but he didn't look as good as he could've been. That's what drives me insane."
My heart began to race in a panic because that could've been him. I haven't seen my brother in years...he was a child when I saw him still. He should still be a child now...almost an adult. He was five years younger than me, so that makes him eighteen right now.
No...he's an adult now.
"What is the longest most vampires go...keeping their pets?" I ask him.
I saw Aleksandr's eyes lower, walking towards me. He grabbed my hand and I pulled it out of his.
"Answer me." I insist more harshly, wondering why he thought that would make me feel any better.
"The longest most vampires can go with a pet they bought is only a year. Almost all vampires...like to try an array of options. Very rarely...will they keep their pet for more than a few months." He tells me warily, my eyes narrowing on him...there was more. "On average...three months."
I just look at him, and I saw that he was scared for my reaction. Except I had nothing.
That now told me enough.
That couldn't have been him then.
He was sold years ago, so that means he is already...
"You have to come inside, please-."
"I fought and fought to protect him. Jerome was all I had. If what you're saying is true, then he's already dead." I gasp for air, stepping back as I already felt my back dig into the railing. "I stayed alive and fought just for this to be my punishment? It was all pointless, me living, was pointless! I couldn't even protect the one person who was a part of me. I can't do anything right, I'm wasting my time living."
I turn away just to feel Aleksandr grab my arms. He pulled me back from the balcony and looked up at me desperately, holding on tightly.
"That's not true. You never know, that could've been him and he got lucky-."
"I don't care. That's possibly even worse. Because that means for some amount of years...he has suffered at the hands of a vampire. Drinking from him, abusing him, hurting him. If that man was my brother...it certifies only one thing. I failed him. I failed not just him, but I failed myself." I shove Aleksandr back as he doesn't move an inch, pissing me off even more. "What am I even doing? I became close with a vampire, someone who takes and takes from my kind. I have betrayed myself becoming close with Elio, what am I doing?! He was too busy trying to keep me from him just to appease what? Your damn kind so that I don't hurt! It always circles back to that!"
I turned around hurriedly as I rush for the balcony again. I wanted to jump right now.
I wanted to end my suffering, I wanted to end this torment. I don't deserve to live.
Jerome is suffering because of my incompetence, and I couldn't protect him from them! I should've done more, I should've fought more. Instead of fighting and fighting - look where it's gotten me!
"Damon stop!" Aleksandr grabs me, stopping me from jumping over. I twist around so fast as I wanted to fight him now.
That fight or flight mode was raging. All it wanted to do was fight, but this time it wasn't for my life. I was wanting to fight so that I could end it.
I swung my fist at him and it hits his face, just for me to feel my knuckles hurt. An unimaginable pain rippled through as I saw Aleksandr grab my hand, looking at it.
"I'm sorry-."
"Let me go!" I shriek in his face, trying to get out of his grip and jump over, but I wasn't budging.
I suddenly found myself inside, pushed against the wall. I was looking down at a panicked Aleksandr as his hand set over my heart and held onto my broken hand.
"Don't do this, please. I'm begging you-."
"Begging me? You're begging me to what?!"
"To not do something reckless. I know you're upset-."
"You don't know the half of it. I don't want to do this anymore! You will never understand what it feels like to not know if someone you love is truly alive or not! If they are suffering because of your own incompetence! This is all of my doing, of my own failing! How can I live with myself-?!"
"What has happened isn't your fault, and don't blame yourself. I'm sorry, please-."
"Why are you apologizing?!" I cry, my legs collapsing as I slid down the wall.
Crying right in front of him, I felt not only pain in my hand; but I also felt it in my heart.
Nothing that was told to me would fix how I felt inside. How heartbroken I felt...how useless I felt as an older brother.
"You're right," He breathes, cradling my face as I look at him like he's lost his mind, "I would never understand because I have never experienced true humanity. I don't have family, I haven't had family for hundreds of years- if ever. I only had to worry about myself, and it made me selfish. I'll never truly understand, you're right...but I can easily say that none of what happened to him is your fault. What happened to your brother was out of your control, you did everything you could."
I just look at him, shaking my head as I lay it against the wall. My hands were shaking because I was so upset and frustrated with the idea that he's...suffering.
That if he is living, he's living in pain and misery with some vampire drinking from him.
How can I live with that?
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I ask him with no life to my voice, looking back at him as his hand was still on my face. "What? You kept me from jumping over and you're trying to make me feel better about something that is impossible to get over. So what? It all ties back to the same thing."
I yank his hand from my face, seeing him look at me solemnly. I grab my hand, trying my best to not show pain in front of him...I don't want his pity. Any pity that I do get from him all comes from a diluted place. A place of him wanting to play games...and be the selfish person I know he is.
Just like how he is with Lucifer..selfish.
"What's...the same thing, Damon?" He questions me in an obviously irritated tone.
"Games." I answer, watching him roll his eyes now. "Games, games, games. I am a game, and...I think Lucifer is too-."
"What does he have to do with this?" He interrupts me quickly, sitting back now as he narrows his eyes onto me. "What does...any of what you just said have to do with anything? I am...trying to help you because you're clearly not okay."
"Why would I be okay?" I ask him quietly.
His annoyance ceased across his features, and he
"I stopped being okay as soon as I lost my parents. I was...okay to a certain degree because I had my brother. Then your kind had to take him away from me and I defend myself against my own kind just to keep my life. I stopped being okay years ago, I am never okay." I make known to him in the most serious tone I could muster.
His eyes lowered from me and I could tell he wanted to say something. Aleksandr always has something to say. He always wants the last word...or it comes off that way at times.
"Even with Elio...you're not okay?"
"Is that all you can do?" I shove him back with my uninjured hand, standing up on my feet as I look down at him. "Compare and make things some kind of competition? It's like what you said to me earlier, what does he have to do with anything? I'm talking about how my life changed drastically when your kind took over, and you want to ask me that stupid question?
"Well let me answer it for you, no. I may look okay on the outside, but every single day I'm fighting to protect myself from somebody. Even if I'm trying to help Elio, I'm still trying to help myself. I don't even know what I'm doing because he's a vampire, he doesn't need my help. I always did this, worrying about people weaker than me when in reality, he's not! He's actually not weaker than me, so what am I really defending here? I should be watching out for myself, isn't that it?" I shook my head, seeing Aleksandr get onto his feet now.
He grabbed the wrist of my injured hand, and I tried to yank it back. Just for him to start pulling me along.
Ignoring my attempts to pull away, he kept dragging me along. I had to just follow at this point because I couldn't even get away if I tried. Eventually arriving in a room I have never been in before.
Aleksandr sat me down in a chair, just for me to watch him go over to a drawer and rummage around. He ended up pulling out some kind of hand wrap as I easily recognized such a thing. I haven't had to wrap my hand ever since I left that place.
He came over towards me, grabbing my hand as he looks at my knuckles. His fingers pressing gently on the dislocation and I kept myself from making noise, but I couldn't stop myself from wincing slightly.
I saw his eyes raise onto me, a soft grin coming to his lips.
"You hate me so much that you punched me in the face...breaking your fragile hand." He snickers, my eyes rolling as I feel him massage on the knuckles oddly for some reason.
"I didn't hit you just to hit you." I found myself saying, seeing his eyebrow raise. "It was...the fight or flight response that kicked in. It subconsciously hap-."
I lose my voice when I feel him force my knuckles back into place. That sharp pain ceased almost as quickly as it happened.
Looking down, I saw that my knuckles no longer looked out of place and I moved my fingers. They all moved fine...perfectly even.
When I look back at Aleksandr, he had a proud smile on his face. I look back down and don't say a word...trying to resist the urge to go back to that balcony.
"I can look for him in the records," Aleksandr says, and I look up at him, "Lucifer owns the blood banks, remember? If...your brother is dead, he will be there."
"That...doesn't make me feel better." I scoff painfully, just for Aleksandr to rest his hand on my shoulder.
"And if his name is not in those records, that means he is still alive. I have...high hopes that he isn't dead. I don't think anything has happened to him, and you know why I think that?"
I just look at him, not really caring to hear what he thinks.
"Why?"
"Because he's related to you, so that means he's innately a fighter."
"Not really." I scoff, sitting back as I move out of his hand on my shoulder. "He was...much softer than me. He didn't like fighting. He used his words more than he used his hands."
"How would you know he hasn't changed?"
My head whips back onto him, seeing him look at me curiously and didn't seem to mean that mockingly. I just look away because I had no interest in arguing.
"As I said, I will do the necessary checks for you; but in the meantime," Aleksandr got me onto my feet and I suddenly found myself in my bathroom. He turned on the shower and I already knew what he was suggesting. "Take a warm shower so that you don't get sick. I can't have my...pet getting sick, now can I?"
I don't say anything, just looking at him.
He looks away from me now and slowly backs away towards the exit. Still looking only at me, giving me one last smile before he was no longer there.
...he must really care about that stupid game for him to go this far just to try and earn my feelings for him.
It's pathetic. Nothing he does is because he truly cares, it's because he wants to win. And that's why despite him doing this, I don't appreciate it one bit.
It's still all a fucking game.
☠︎︎
isn't it always?
what do you expect?
don't be too surprised.
tho...for Aleksandr,
is there sunlight over the horizon? 🤡
i don't think anyone would accept a redemption arc from him. 👹
that's fine.
it only gets wilder from here with all of them.
and don't worry.
you'll see William again. 🥴
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- yolo༒︎