Maybe things were going to be fine.
Youngbin was almost there. And then they'd talk. And then things could be fine.
Once Alex said the truth, confessed to all these feelings and thoughts and desires he's had, things would be fine. He'd taken a day off to be so not fine, and now he was ready for it all to go right. He was ready to talk, and finally be the damn adult he was supposed to be. He was ready to tell Youngbin.
And then, maybe, if suddenly the universe decided to become some utopia in which Alex was allowed to have a happy end, Youngbin would love him back, and they could go back to kissing each other until they ran out of breath. Without pulling away and apologising this time.
It wasn't going to happen like that. Alex knew. Of course it wasn't. But if Alex kept his feelings inside any longer, it'd drive him into certain death.
And he didn't quite have anyone else to talk to about what he was feeling. Because Lani wasn't talking to him, still, and Margo seemed to have sided with Lani for the time being.
So all Alex had was Youngbin.
Maybe it'd go just fine. Maybe he was lucky enough to live in the reality in which Youngbin said yes. Said "I love you" back to him. Said "I want to kiss you" and meant it.
And then things were going to be fine. He pulled his legs towards him, hugging them as he sank further into his couch. His heart was about to burst, and he knew that things were never going to be fine again.
It was so selfish to still have hope. Idiotic. Egotistical. To believe that Alex was actually able to fix things for once. To fix a relationship, out of all the things. Something he was so notorious for ruining. To think that he could win someone back, as though he once had him in the first place. He hadn't. He couldn't get him back. He sure as fuck couldn't get him to come to him.
He shouldn't have told Youngbin about Leia. The suggestion of breaking up never would've happened, then. He could've pretended for Youngbin to be his boyfriend until December, until she was gone. Could've lived in that delusion of being loved for a little longer.
Easily ignoring Youngbin's constant comments of them being best friends and not real, because he wouldn't ever want it to be real. Ignoring the fact that they couldn't ever kiss again, instead just laying awake and replaying that one time they actually did in his head every night.
He could've just gone on convincing himself that Youngbin was really his boyfriend. He could've used him and played with him and formed him into what Alex wanted him to be in his head, could've done the exact thing Demian and Kaya and Margo and Lani expected him to do, could've become that player that people had assigned him to be.
He could've just gone back to being an awful horrible piece of shit, ("gone back", as if he had ever stopped being that), but no, he'd started to feel so damn sorry for himself, he'd begun letting guilt rip into his heart. He'd started to love someone, and had opened a wound and allowed Youngbin to reach into it, and now the only way to close it again was for Youngbin to carefully sew it shut.
Either that, or he'd bleed out. Maybe he wanted to bleed out. Maybe he'd thought about it one too many times. He'd come to terms with it, though. That today, he was going to offer Youngbin to patch up that wound, and that he'd be left bleeding on the floor.
Someone knocked.
Alex felt too heavy to get up. To move his limbs. His stomach turned and twisted, his heart was somewhere between breaking through his ribs and stopping completely. His attempt at pretending to have hope for things to be fine had failed completely now. If he simply didn't open the door, then maybe-
Another knock.
What was stronger, was tugging him more? Opening the door to finally see Youngbin, or the knowledge that he was about to ruin the only good thing life was willing to give him?
Oh, Youngbin was so damn strong. The yearning for his eyes to lay themselves upon Alex was so, so very strong.
For a second, Alex' hand laid on the doorknob, still and unmoving, and he allowed himself one more moment of consideration. He exhaled, then something made his body move, pulling the door open.
"Hi." It was raining. Drops of water rolled off of Youngbin's jacket, the front strands of his fading red hair were wet and laid against his forehead. "Are you okay?"
"Come in."
Youngbin did as he was told, unzipped the jacket but didn't yet take it off as if he was already expecting to leave again soon. The door behind him closed, and Alex was locked inside with a grim reality steadily approaching.
"What's up?" Youngbin asked again, his voice quieter, holding a kind of gentleness, something that made Alex almost hope once more that things could be fine after all.
"Did you, uhm, get here well?"
"IWell, your place is pretty easy to get to by bus, so-" Youngbin furrowed his brows, looked anywhere but at Alex, then only at Alex. "Why'd you call me here?"
Alex took another deep breath, leaning against the wall behind him. He wasn't even going to invite Youngbin in further. He wasn't going to get comfortable just to get his heart broken.
"I- I just wanted to-" He couldn't say it. He couldn't, ever. Why couldn't Youngbin just guess what he was here for, or read Alex' mind? Why was talking so damn hard? "I need to- tell you something. Really important." Everything was going to be fine, and Alex blinked away the tears welling up in his eyes.
"Oh." Youngbin stiffened up, like he was already fully aware of what was about to be said. His hand moved, just a little bit, as if he considered reaching out to Alex but deciding against it in the end. Alex wasn't sure if he could take a single touch right now. "Did something happen?"
"A lot-" Alex looked towards the ground. He didn't need to see Youngbin. He didn't want to see his face, and whatever expression it would twist into. Maybe it'd be disgust, or disappointment, or anger. Alex didn't want to know. "I just don't know how to say it."
"Take your time."
There was no time to take.
"I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"This- None of this went like it should have. I just- All of this, all of it was a terrible idea. I- You- I don't know-" He couldn't say it. He'd thought about how to say it, three simple words, and now he just couldn't. "I fucked up really fucking bad and-"
"Alex, breathe, hey. Calm down. Take your time." Don't sound so caring, don't speak to me like you care so much. "It's gonna be fine."
"I don't know if it will?" Alex choked on something, his own words maybe, or his tears that he tried so desperately to hold back, or on his heart that'd hammered against his body from the inside.
"Hey. Alex. Look at me, whatever's going on, we can get through it togeth-"
"I love you."
He shouldn't have listened, shouldn't have looked up. Now he was forced to watch something in Youngbin's eyes change and swirl and break and then fade, the colour draining from his face.
"What?"
"I love- I'm in love with you, Youngbin. I-"
"No, you're not." Was it a statement? A plea? An order?
"I am, I really fucking am, and I've not been able to feel anything else, Bin. I- It's been consuming me. It's been all that matters, you've been all that matters to me." He wasn't sure why he was still talking. It wasn't like anything he said would make Youngbin look less shocked, less confused, less sad, less- scared? Was that fear in his eyes? "I wish I could've just stopped, because I tried, but I just, I- I'm so sorry, Youngbin, I love you, I'm so fucking sorry-"
"You can't- I can't- Alex, no, listen." Panic echoed through Youngbin's voice. A longing for control. "This isn't- I don't think you mean it like this. L-Line's were blurred, okay, it probably messed with your emotions. We've been pretending for so long now, and maybe-"
He had to know that this wasn't true, right? That this was complete and utter bullshit.
"It- It doesn't work like that, I don't think. I like you, so much, and it's so scary, but I like you. I love you."
"Alex, I don't- I'm so sorry, I don't like you like that." Youngbin inhaled, and his voice had gotten shakier. "I don't feel the same."
He knew. He'd known all along, and yet, for just a little bit, some part of him had been stupid enough to hope for some kind of miracle. For a chance. For all these signs that Youngbin gave him to lead to something other than a dead end.
For just a second there'd been the desire for Youngbin to sew that bleeding wound, to survive after all.
"Yeah." Alex bit down on his lip, his nails digging into the palms of his hand. His chest hurt. He wanted to make something else to hurt more. Any part of his body. He wanted everything to hurt more than his heart did right now. "Why'd you kiss me, Youngbin?"
Now Youngbin seemed to stop breathing. For a second, his body had shut down, before his eyes darted up again to face Alex.
"You know these weren't real." The urgency in his voice pressed against Alex' chest further. "C-Come on, that was an act. That was to fool people, an audience. You- Your mind is playing tricks on you, you know they weren't-"
"You kissed me. In your room. We were alone. Who was the audience, then? Who were you fooling? Who were you acting in front of, me?"
He'd tried so hard. Alex wanted to be calm so bad, this one time, now that it mattered, he just wanted to talk, and be calm, and fix shit by himself and not get emotional, carried away by feelings that scorched him from the inside, and now something had gone wrong again, now his voice had started to tremble, now sirens had gone off. Now he'd started barking, again, because he couldn't keep his damn muzzle shut.
"Alex, I told you, I didn't know why I-" Youngbin pressed his lips together, turning his head away. "It wasn't right of me to do, I know. It was stupid of me, I know, I just acted without thinking. I didn't mean to lead you on, but-"
"God, I feel so fucking stupid." Alex rubbed his face, then pressed his palms against his eyes for a second as if he was trying to press the tears right back in. He couldn't cry now. "I'm so dumb. I don't know why I thought- I don't know why I even fucking told you, I'm so fucking dumb. I should have just let this pass, but I had hope, for some fucking reason. I thought-"
"Alex, I just- I- Of course I've thought about- I just, whenever I just thought about us being real or getting together, I just felt so- It makes me sick, it's so scary, it just, it's- wrong? Kissing you was like, it was some kind of intrusive thought, I don't know why I did it, but it's so terrifying to think back to, that I did that, that I- I'm so sorry. But- I never should've done that. I never should've wanted it, it felt so god damn wrong. It's just so fucking scary to think about-"
It's sickening, it's terrifying, it's scary, the thought of Alex loving Youngbin, the thought of Youngbin loving Alex. Of course it was terrifying. To love was so fucking terrifying. But for it to be wrong? Youngbin and Alex being wrong?
Maybe being wrong was so much fucking worse than being rejected. Alex couldn't do it anymore.
"I- I think I need to-" His voice cracked. "Can you go?"
"I'm so sorry, Alex-"
"Please."
Youngbin opened his mouth, about to say something, then nodded. Silently. He opened the door, stepped out. "I'm sorry."
Youngbin was leaving. This time, there wasn't much more to say. Youngbin was leaving, and Alex wanted him to.
The door closed.
The floor underneath Alex' feet began to shake, and his legs failed to hold his weight, giving in right there. His body crashed into the door, fell onto the floor, and he pressed his trembling hands against his mouth, shut, forcing any sounds to remain within him.
He was wrong. It was so wrong to ever believe that Youngbin could love Alex. He was an intrusive thought, he was terrifying, he was an illness that Youngbin had caught, Alex being in love was terrifying, of course it was. Alex doesn't love, Alex bites and tears into meat and devours what he wants and leaves bones behind.
Alex was dirty, and Youngbin was clean and pure and unstained and holy.
Youngbin was a lamb. And then there was a wolf who'd thought he could fall in love with the lamb and kiss it without tearing a piece of flesh out of its body. A wolf that thought he wasn't deserving of being hunted to death for his love.
But all this time, Youngbin had been terrified.
Alex didn't want to be terrifying. Alex didn't want to be a wolf. Alex didn't want to be fucking terrifying.
» alex whats up
u werent at school
alex
alex
aled
alex are u fucking alive
alex «
Missed call
Missed call
Missed call
» dude
ik ur phone isnt dead my calls are coming through
aleeeeexxxxxxxxxxxxxx
if u actually died im gonna be so mad «
Missed call
Missed call
» fuck u im breaking into ut house «
"Alex, open the fucking door."
Alex was barely alive. Not alive enough to reach for his phone when it endlessly buzzed. Not alive enough to open the door. Barely alive enough to carry his body into his own bed after having sat on the floor for- maybe hours?
His head hurt. His eyes hurt. His mouth was dry. He was so fucking tired but his mind didn't allow him the luxury of falling asleep.
A heavy knock pounded against the door again. A call for his name. He didn't move. Obviously not. He'd died, after all. Then, something rattled, clicked, squeaked, the door opened and closed again, and hurried steps approached the open bedroom.
"Alex? Alex, are you-"
Two small hands grabbed onto his body and rolled him on his back. Alex closed his eyes, shielded them with his arm. They'd tell on him, on the fact that he'd been crying. Not that the sticky wet stains on his face wouldn't also tell on him.
"Holy fucking shit, you piece of shit." Margo let out a sigh, trying to shove Alex' arm away from his face but giving up in the end. "I thought you fucking died."
It wasn't like he had the energy to actually try.
Margo sighed, stopped pushing Alex' body around in an attempt to get a better look at him, instead letting herself fall next to him. She scooted closer to him, was silent for a few seconds, like she was listening to Alex' breathing.
"Wanna tell me what happened?" she eventually asked. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. What was he even supposed to say? How was he supposed to say it, without making himself look like that pathetic loser that he was?
"It's about Youngbin," Margo concluded, and Alex let out a shaky exhale, the only response he could muster. She sighed, deeply, a sigh she'd been holding for weeks, and though she didn't say it, Alex could read her thoughts regardless. I told you so. She was holding back.
"Did you- Is it over, I mean? The act?" Margo's voice was quiet and small and sorry. Like all these horrible things she'd been predicting had come true. A future she couldn't prevent. "Or did you tell him?"
The latter. No, both. All of it. Everything happened. At once, too. One lead to the other. What mattered was that things were over, forever. Life had ended. Alex was an intrusive thought, and Youngbin was strong enough to resist him, and life was over.
"Oh, man. Oh, Alex." Margo sighed again, and shifted next to Alex, who finally decided to open his eyes to look at her, be it briefly. "I'm so sorry, dude. About whatever the fuck happened. You deserve some good shit happening to you. And don't you disagree with me on that, I'm right."
Youngbin was the good shit. But apparently Alex hadn't deserved it after all.
"Don't disagree," Margo repeated. She confirmed it just now. She was actually able to read Alex' mind.
When had she even learned that? To read him so well? To know him so well? She'd only known him for two, maybe three years. Lani had watched him grow since the two were kids, she'd watched him change into the mess of a person he was today, but when Margo came to Rosebury, Alex was already a fucked up piece of shit.
Maybe he was even worse back then. Probably, yeah. Still hanging out with people he gets into physical fights now. But Margo had found him, and decided to see right through him. And Alex had absolutely no idea how she'd done it. And why. Why did she even make it that far despite- everything? Despite everything, why was she still here?
Why was she even here? Wait.
"How'd you get in here?" His voice was hoarse, startled by its own sound.
"Hair pin and credit card."
"D-Did you just break into my apartment?"
"Please, it's not the first time I've done that." Margo propped herself up now, stretched her arms as she looked at Alex, waiting for something. "But that's absolutely not what matters. What happened to you, hm?"
"How- Wait." Now Alex moved his body to sit up as well, though it was a battle. He was heavy, weak, so fucking tired, his body ached to go back and lay down and stay unmoving forever and ever. He rubbed his eyes, painful and exhausted. "Why did you even come here?"
"Margo senses. Magical abilities that were given to me when I was just a little boy. I feel it in my heart when my friends are hurting." She said it a little too seriously, and Alex almost believed her for a second. "No, you just didn't answer my calls and texts. So. Got worried that maybe you- I don't know. Something happened, maybe."
What she wanted to say was that maybe you killed yourself. Which was- Alex stopped breathing for a second. Which was a possibility, certainly. A justified fear. Shit. Fuck.
"And, well, you weren't at school today, and I kind of figured something might've happened." Margo cleared her throat, a guilty look on her face as she casted her gaze down. "I feel like maybe I should've- Well, I mean we haven't really talked since last week, because- You know, all the... things. So."
All the things, and the thing was Lani. Since Lani had rightfully had enough of Alex. And then Margo must've had enough of him as well, because she chose to spend more time with her than with him.
"But whatever. I'm here now, and I'd honestly really like to know if there was a way to make you feel a little better." Margo cleared her throat before Alex could answer and added: "Something that doesn't include drugs, alcohol or a bullet in the head."
Alex let himself fall back again, stared against the ceiling as he'd done more than necessary. He fought to not let his eyes fall shut again, even though they begged him to.
"Have you eaten today?" Margo asked.
"Am I not usually the one to ask you that question?"
"Yes, and I've been eating fantastically lately, actually. But you-"
"I'm not hungry."
A sigh. Again.
"And when I say that I'm not hungry, you always say-"
"But your body is hungry, yeah. I know. I don't know if I have anything at home."
Margo rolled off the bed now, hands on her hips.
"I'll find something. And if it's expired frozen pizza. We bought you some tea recently, didn't we?" Margo hurried out of Alex' room into his miniscule kitchen, and Alex closed his eyes again, finally.
A piece of bread with strawberry jam was shoved underneath Alex' nose and he opened his eyes again. The scent was intense and fresh and familiar and made him want to crawl underneath a blanket and never come up again.
He'd actually managed to nap- for maybe twenty minutes, but enough time for Margo to pull fresh bread out of her ass apparently and to serve it to Alex, along with a cup of tea.
"We need to go grocery shopping some time." She sighed as he settled back on the bed next to Alex with a second cup in her own hands. "All your bread was mouldy. I got some from your neighbours, though. They're pretty nice."
Alex rubbed his face. He didn't even know who his neighbours were. Just that those next door yelled at each other a lot and also really enjoyed techno music on Friday evenings.
"Now eat up, poor little boy."
"I'm no dog," Alex complained. But he was, wasn't he. He absolutely was. And he ate as he was told to.
He'd gotten the strawberry jam from Robyn a while ago, and he treatured it dearly. He had a stash of it that would suffice until next strawberry season, where the café owners could make another batch from their best harvest. It tasted like a little moment of peace. A break from- everything. The tea wasn't as good as Neverland served, but it was just fine. Good enough for now.
"So?" Margo held her cup in both hands, looking at Alex expectantly. Worry danced in her eyes, maybe a little bit of guilt. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Alex inhaled, and his breath trembled. Wanted, no. Could, not either. Had to, yes, maybe.
"I told-" His voice cracked already. Fuck this.
"You told him." Alex nodded. "And he... rejected you?"
Something like that, yes. Though it didn't feel like a rejection. It felt more like- What did it feel like? An accusation, maybe. Or a desperate plea to stop. Rejection seemed to be a word too simple.
"I- Honestly, I was- I just shouldn't have said it, now he's, like- It's like he's-" Scared was the word, but to say it would be to finalise it. To admit the guilt. To say Youngbin was scared that Alex loved him would really set it into stone, that Alex was a beast to be feared, and that his love was never as gentle and honest as he had thought.
He'd be, instead, what everyone expected him to be. Too much. Too hungry, too violent, too self centred. Disgusting and dirty and dangerous. So much so that Youngbin was scared of being loved by him.
"Okay, I think I'm losing the plot here. You told him, he didn't react well. Okay. And I'm assuming that you're 'broken up' now. But was there something going on between you first? 'Cause you said you kissed? How's that playing into it?"
"Oh, don't fucking worry about the kiss." Alex exhaled, tried to steady himself, remain standing against the flood of emotions. "That was- he kissed me for no reason, he said. Because it was an intrusive thought. It wasn't right, or something, I don't fucking know."
"Oh, so he kissed you? And then went on to say that he had no reason?" Margo raised her voice, her brows furrowed. Tea dripped from her mug as she shifted in her seat. "Intrusive thought, what a load of shit. No, I'd be mad too, Alex!"
"I'm not mad at him," Alex quickly added, though his tone of voice promised something different. "I mean, he's- I was just too much. I should've kept my damn mouth shut and waited for it to pass. It's my fault for-"
"Nothing's your fault. You can be mad at him. You know what, I encourage you to talk shit about him, actually. He is technically your ex and you're allowed to trash him to get over it."
"I don't want to talk shit about him though, I- I do love him. This isn't like with Leia, or even Willow, or any of my other exes where we were already tired of each other, I'm in love with Youngbin. I don't wanna pretend like I hate him just so I can stop being in love with him."
"You don't have to hate him. You can just-" Margo sighed yet again, as if nothing was more difficult than having to deal with Alex and his emotions. It was true, though. She was right to be exhausted from this. It's why he never wanted anyone to see how fucking hard it is to deal with Alex' emotions. "You can love him and still be angry. It's not all black and white."
The way she said that word, love, held such uncertainty. Like she wasn't convinced that he really did love. As if he'd ever been capable of really loving before. Oh, she didn't think he could, did she? She would've been just as terrified of someone like Alex claiming to feel something like love for her.
"You know what-" She exhaled, pressed her thin lips together as she collected her thoughts. "Maybe you need distance now. Maybe not talking about him at all is the way to go. I'm not even gonna bring him up. This is the last time I'll ever say the word Youngbin, alright? Maybe you need a bit of distraction?" Her face twisted into a smile, not one of honesty though. She looked pained, more so. Exhausted. "Min's post Halloween party is on Saturday, how about we think about that a bit? Try to come up with a costume?"
"I don't know if I wanna go." He wanted to go to get drunk. Maybe buy shitty weed from some guy in a dark corner. To be honest, though, he absolutely didn't give a shit about partying and dressing up. The having to deal with people part of Min's party was incredibly unattractive to him.
"Come on, to take your mind off of things, hm? And maybe now you can enter that hoe phase we've all been waiting for?" That was the absolute last thing he wanted, actually. When Margo was met with silence, she bit her lip, thinking. "I'm not doing a very good job at cheering you up, am I?"
"I don't know if I can be cheered up right now."
"So? What else can I do for you, then?"
"Nothing."
"I'm not leaving without having done anything about you."
"Then stay forever. Nothing you can do."
Margo nodded without hesitation.
"Okay. I'm staying forever, then. I'm moving in, congratulations, Alex. I'm not paying rent, though." Something that could've been an attempt of a chuckle escaped Alex lips. She climbed off the bed, then ripped open Alex' wardrobe, almost being hit by multiple shirts he'd halfheartedly thrown in that were now tumbling out. "We're looking for Halloween costumes now. I'm thinking like, sexy cat for you. Or Shadow the Hedgehog. And then I could be Amy and we can match."
Alex exhaled, taking a sip from his tea. It didn't really taste like anything, and had lost its smell.
"Or you could be a sexy vampire. Or a sexy werewolf. Or a sexy zombie. Oh! I forgot you had this nice skirt, we can do something with that! Wait, banger idea, actually. One of these horse costumes where one is the ass and one is the head. You can even be the ass if you'd like. Or we can be bride and groom, but you're the bride and I'm the groom, which is funny, because gender. Or we dress up as eachother!"
Margo's voice faded out slowly, becoming further and further away. He tried to listen, tried to not drift off. He wanted to hold onto Margo, sink his claws into her to not be carried off. All resistance was futile. Alex was slowly taken back to where he belonged, somewhere dark with nobody to call through to him.
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WC: 4821
wowww isnt that crazy. anyways.
thank you so much for reading and making it through this chapter! please do vote and comment if you enjoyed it and let me know your thoughts :D