Chapter 11
"Have you talked to them?" Lui asked again.
I just gave him a small smile. Hindi ko pa rin nakaka-usap sina Alisha. I really wanted to... but I guess I was just afraid of the other possibility. Na what if mas magalit lang sila sa akin? I didn't want to deal with that. Especially not now na sobrang dami kong iniisip at para na akong nalulunod sa thought na malapit na iyong BAR exam.
"Let's go," narinig kong sabi ng kaibigan ni Lui.
Lui looked at them, and then threw me a look. "No, it's fine. Una na kayo," he told them as he stayed behind the classroom with me.
Normally, I'd tell him to go with his friends. Ayos lang naman kasi talaga sa akin na dito na lang kumain. I didn't want to eat outside with the risk na makita ko iyong sis ko. It was just too... suffocating for some reason.
But I did tell him that before.
And he'd always give me the same response—just smiling at me and then asking me kung ano ang gusto kong kainin for lunch.
"Lui," I called.
"Yeah?" he replied habang nasa phone niya pa rin siya at tumitingin ng pwede niyang orderin para sa pagkain namin. It had been a few weeks since we started doing this. Papalapit na rin iyong pagtatapos nung pre-bar review namin.
"San ka for the BAR review proper?" I asked.
"Haven't decided yet," he replied. "Ikaw?"
"Hindi ko pa rin sigurado," I told him. "But maybe not Jury. Nandon sila Alisha."
Napa-hinto si Lui sa paggamit sa phone niya, pero hindi siya tumingin sa akin. "You won't go there just because of them?" he asked.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad.
"It's the best review center," sabi niya sa akin.
"Yeah but... I'd argue na nasa tao pa rin naman 'yan," I told him as I rested my back against the chair. "Kahit gaano naman kagaling iyong review center, kung hindi rin naman ako mag-aaral nang mabuti, useless din."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isip ni Lui. Hawak niya pa rin iyong cellphone niya. Hindi siya naka-tingin sa akin. Wala rin siyang ginagawa sa phone niya. It was just like he was in deep thoughts... and what I'd give to know what's going on in his mind.
"Why are you so scared to talk to them?" he asked, now looking at me. I always lose my breath whenever he'd look at me like that. I had to close my eyes to compose myself.
"Hindi naman ako takot," sabi niya.
"Then why haven't you talked to them yet? It's been weeks."
I drew a deep breath. "I know."
"Won't the rift get bigger? Kapag mas pinatagal mo pa?"
"I know."
"Then why?" he asked.
Hindi ako maka-sagot.
Because if I did as he ask... if I talk shit about him with my friends, I knew that I should stop seeing him myself. Kasi mas magagalit lang sila sa akin kapag nagsinungaling ako sa kanila.
Kapag naman sinabi ko na wala lang iyong sa amin ni Lui, alam ko na sila Fria naman iyong magagalit sa akin kasi bakit mas pinili ko si Lui kaysa sa mga sis namin.
It's just... a lot to think about.
And I just wanted not to think about that.
"I don't know," I said. "It's a girl thing."
"Girl thing?"
"Yup," sabi ko tapos ay umayos ng upo at saka tumingin sa kanya. "You guys just punch each other tapos ayos na kayo. Iba sa mga babae, okay?"
"What?" he asked na kumunot ang noo. "You seriously think na nagsusuntukan lang kami?"
I shrugged. "I mean not literally, but mas mabilis kayo magkaayos in general," I told him. "Bakit? May kaaway ka ba sa frat niyo?" I asked him... not just to continue the conversation, but I just wanted to know more about him.
Lui and I—we'd done a lot of things together... but at the same time, I still felt like I really didn't know him at all. Na tipong kapag mawala siya at may nagtanong sa akin kung paano ko siya idedescribe, I'd be stuck with superficial description of who he is as a person... I only scratched the surface and I knew that there's more to him than what he's letting me see.
But he just slightly shook his head.
"No," sabi niya. "I haven't talked to them in a while."
"Why?"
"I want to focus on the BAR."
"Right..." sabi ko na binigyan siya ng maliit na ngiti. "Same," I replied but he was just looking at me like there was something he wanted to say, but whatever it was, he decided not to tell me anymore because he just proceeded to order food for us.
Lumabas si Lui para kuhanin iyong pagkain. Nung medyo matagal na at hindi pa siya nakaka-balik, I decided to follow him outside just to check kung okay pa ba siya.
"Yeah... I know..." sabi niya sa kung sinuman iyong kausap niya sa cellphone. "Just tell me whatever he needs and I'll ask someone to deliver it sa condo niyo," he continued. "Yeah, no, it's fine." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'll try to swing by, Deanne. I just really have a lot on my plate right now." He nodded sa kung anuman iyong sinasabi ng kausap niya. "Thanks. Daan ako d'yan kapag nagka-free time ako," he said. "Appreciate it."
Nung matapos na iyong tawag, hindi pa rin gumalaw sa kinatatayuan niya si Lui. He just stood there for seconds. He looked like he was taking in deep breaths. Mukhang may problema siya... but I asked him a couple of times already... Ano'ng magagawa ko kung ayaw niya naman sabihin sa akin kung anuman iyong problema niya?
But then turned around and saw me standing there.
He looked at me and smiled like everything's fine in the world.
"Let's eat quickly," he said. "Class starts in 15."
* * *
Lui looked surprised nung nakita niya ako sa study hub.
"What?" I asked.
"Hindi ka umattend sa lecture niyo?" he asked.
Kumunot iyong noo ko. "How'd you know?" I asked, confused kasi lecture iyon nung alumnus namin na RTC judge. Naging BAR examiner na rin siya before, but hindi na talaga siya naglelecture dahil sa dami ng workload niya. Naglecture lang talaga siya sa Q since sorority and all that.
"Same method daw si Judge P saka iyong balitang examiner this year," Lui said. "Hihingi sana ako ng notes sa 'yo."
"Ah..." sabi ko. "Send ko na lang sa 'yo. Nagpa-send din naman ako." Lui sat on the opposite side. Ramdam ko iyong tingin niya sa akin. "What?" I asked when I started feeling conscious sa tingin niya sa akin.
"Nothing," sabi niya sa akin.
But that didn't look like nothing.
"Forward ko agad sa 'yo 'yung notes," I said.
"Okay," he replied.
Buong araw kaming magkasama sa review center. We wouldn't talk... or we didn't have the energy to talk dahil papa-lapit na naman iyong last mock bar namin for Political Law. Akala ko nung una ay easy lang iyong Political Law, but then there's Consti, Admin, Election, at kung anu-ano pang batas. Nakaka-hilo siya basahin sa sobrang dami.
"San tayo kakain?" I asked Lui nung nag-ayos na siya ng gamit. I guess it's time to eat dinner na rin. Kanina pa kami dito. Ang sakit ng ng mga mata ko sa kaka-basa.
Lui looked surprised. "Oh..." sabi niya tapos ay itinuloy iyong pag-aayos ng gamit. "Anything's fine."
"Ramen?"
"Okay," he said with a smile.
We went to the ramen place. Then Lui drove me home. He stopped in front of my condo instead of going to the basement parking. I unbuckled my seatbelt.
"See you tomorrow," I told him.
He just nodded at me. "Good night."
"Good night. Drive safely," I said tapos ay pumasok na ako sa condo ko.
This day was quiet... but it just felt so strange for some reason.
Pinilit kong maka-tulog, pero hindi ako maka-tulog. A lot of things was plaguing my mind. Hindi pa rin ako nakakapagdesisyon kung saan ako magrereview talaga. Hindi pa rin ata alam ni Lui kung san siya magrereview. Sama na lang ako kung saan man siya magrereview.
And my friends.
I really needed to talk to them.
I needed to talk to them in person because a lot could get lost kung sa message lang kami mag-uusap. Mas mabuti na sa personal para mas maging maayos. I just needed to be really calm kasi pakiramdam ko ako rin naman iyong may kasalanan... kahit na hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganoon sila kagalit sa akin... It's like yeah, I did something wrong, but at the same time, it felt like the penalty wasn't commensurate with the crime committed.
Ewan ko ba.
Maybe I should've dated when I was way younger para hindi ganito na litung-lito ako sa mga nangyayari.
* * *
The next few days, hindi pumasok si Lui sa review center. I texted him kasi baka kung ano ang nangyari sa kanya. Baka kasi may sakit siya. Gusto ko lang naman magdala ng food, if ever. But he replied and told me that he's just doing something and he probably wouldn't be able to attend this week's review.
I was bummed out... Nasanay na ako na lagi kaming magkasama sa review pati sa pagkain. I was so used to him choosing what food I'd eat kaya naman ngayon, kanina pa ako naka-tingin sa app pero wala pa rin akong mapili na kakainin.
I really wanted to skip dinner again, but then I remembered na coffee pa lang ang kinakain ko buong araw. Ayoko naman magka-sakit kaya kailangan ko talagang kumain ng dinner. Nothing in my ref appealed to me, so I decided to go out para maghanap ng makakainan.
"H-hey..." I said nang maka-salubong ko si Alisha. I gave her a smile kahit na kinakabahan ako. She's my friend. Nakaka-inis na kinakabahan ako sa ganito.
Alisha gave me a small nod.
"Nagdinner ka na?" I asked her. "If hindi pa, let's have dinner. On me."
Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. I started to feel anxious dahil sa paraan ng pagtingin niya. I could hear the beating of my own heart. Wala naman akong kinain buong araw, pero feeling ko masusuka ako.
"I'm sorry," I told her. Para matapos na.
She arched her brow. "What are you sorry for?"
"Lui," I replied. "You warned me about him. I didn't listen."
Kumunot ang noo niya. "Seriously? Tingin mo magagalit ako sa 'yo because of Lui?" she said in such a tone that made me feel cold. "Seriously, Tali, you can shove Lui up your ass."
Napaawang iyong labi ko. "Alisha—" I paused. I took a deep breath. I didn't want to fight—especially with her. "Look. I'm sorry. Can we please be okay again? I miss you."
But her stares were unrelenting.
I didn't understand why was she this mad at me.
"Wow... You wouldn't talk to me for months tapos biglang gusto mo, okay na tayo?"
I could feel my hands trembling. "I was busy."
"I'm busy, too, but you have my number, right?" diretsong sabi niya sa akin. "You could've called me way before. Hinintay mo pa talaga na tumagal."
Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Why are you so mad at me? Ano ba ang ginawa ko?"
Alisha was looking at me and her looks made me feel so, so cold. Like I just betrayed her in the worst way imaginable... Ano ba iyong nagawa ko? Why was she being like this?
"I know you didn't say that it's about Lui, but I honestly couldn't think of anything I did. And if it's about Lui, fine, tama ka naman, but god, Alisha, it's my mistake to me. Kung gaguhin man ako ni Lui, ako naman iyong gagaguhin. I don't understand why you're being such a bitch to me because of this."
I couldn't stop myself anymore. She was just being too much! Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit naiinis din siya sa akin. Sila Fria, naiintindihan ko pa. Pero siya? Ano ba iyong ginawa ko sa kanya? Why was she being like this?
"Fuck off, Tali. You're full of shit," she said as she walked past me and bumped against my shoulder.
"What the fuck!" sabi ko sa kanya at saka hinablot iyong kamay niya para tumigil siya sa paglalakad. "Ano ba kasi iyong problema mo sa 'kin?!"
She stopped on her track and looked at my hand that was grabbing her. Automatically, my grip loosened. Ibinalik niya iyong mga mata niya sa akin.
"I don't give a damn if you sleep with Lui. As you said, that's your mistake to make—"
"Right—"
"Let me fucking finish," she said, cutting me off. My lips parted at the hostility of her tone. "But remember all the times you'd talk shit about girls who ditch their friends for guys? Well, look at the fucking mirror, Tali."
Alisha looked at me.
"God, you make me sound petty," she said as she drew a deep breath. "You kept on ditching us for Lui. And lying. But fine, whatever. That's your choice. I just don't want to deal with your idiotic choices right now, Tali. Mas importante sa akin iyong BAR," she continued before she turned her back again and this time, walked away for real.
I didn't know for how long I just stood there, stunned... but I just found myself reaching for my phone and calling Lui.
**
This story is already at Chapter 18 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!