I don't know how I would even start
If I could tell you.
* * *
"I want you now."
There was silence between us. I couldn't articulate what was inside Chan's mind as his expression turned blank. He just looked at me with an unreadable gaze. For a moment, I got scared of him. Did he not like what I said? Of course, that's really mad. Soyeon Noona is in the same place, and I know for sure he doesn't want to get caught like this.
There was a short time of silence, but it certainly felt longer than what it seems like. Chan's gaze on me still remained. I saw him blink as I wondered if his facial expressions would change. He then stopped staring, and looked back at Soyeon Noona before looking back at me, "You asked for it, not me," he whispered before completely stepping out of their bedroom, closing the door and instantly attacking my lips hungrily.
I responded with the same enthusiasm as he did. His hands directly travelled on my back and nape, pulling me closer to him while leading the way back to the living room between our kiss. I gasped at the sudden movement, giving him the advantage to slide his tongue inside my mouth which I gladly took, making sure our tongues met.
I can feel my pants tightening as they rub against his already visible hard-on. We continued kissing hungrily, saliva was already all over our faces. I lowered my hands on the hem of his muscle tee, tugging it and eventually tried to take it off of Chan. We slightly moved away from each other so he would be able to take off the shirt. Chan looked at me longingly after throwing his shirt on the couch, "Shit. I fucking missed you," he whispered before attacking me with kisses again then signalled me to jump on his waist.
I jumped onto him, instantly wrapping my legs around his waist while his hands were on my ass, carrying me to the small kitchen counter. He sat me down on the counter and then moved away from the kiss once again to just look at me and scan my face.
I stared at him with longingness visible in my eyes. He reached out for my cheeks, gently brushing off the messy strands of my hair that were scattered in front of my face, he smiled and gave me a peck, "You're so handsome Felix," he sweetly said, smiling at me.
I just looked at him for a moment and leaned my forehead to touch onto his then I closed my eyes after saying, "You are, too," I answered. At this very moment, I was not so certain of my emotions all I could think about was him and how much I wanted him. I couldn't think straight, I just wanted to be with him and be his.
I cupped his cheeks then closed the gap between our lips and started kissing again. It started slow and sweet but eventually shifted into a lot messier makeout until he started kissing my neck while his hands were on the waistband of my pants, trying to take it off me. I helped him take off my pants without him moving away from my neck to my collarbone.
I let out a whimper, immediately prompting me to cover my mouth with my hands. I felt him smile, the sudden sound that escaped my mouth ignited excitement in Chan. He removed my shirt and then began kissing me down to my neckline, moving to my nipple and stomach until he reached my clothed member.
Chan looked up at me, he gazed at my eyes then moved his face closer to my still-covered member then gave it small licks before he moved his mouth on the hem of my underwear, pulling it down with his teeth.
My heart pumped faster, seeing my dick exposed while Chan's face is so close to it. Chan didn't waste any more time, he licked my member and eventually gave me a blow job while I still tried to cover my mouth to suppress my moans.
I am just sitting on the counter, while I watch Chan's mouth take my groin in his mouth, seeing it slightly appear and disappear in every mover Chan does. Watching him like that sent shivers through my entire body until I felt my stomach building up, each of his strokes giving me chills. My heart started to pound harder while my body started weakening from the sensation building inside my stomach. Chan moved even faster, now making my left hand tug on his hair while the other was covering my mouth until I came in his mouth which he swallowed. I held his face again then leaned closer to him, "I want you." I whispered, eager for him.
Chan smiled at me before speaking, "Whatever you please, my love." That fluttered my heart. He moved away from me and collected all our scattered clothing on the floor and the couch before removing his own pyjama and underwear, showing off his body then walked to the bathroom door. He opened the door while I watched him lean his body in the door frame after putting our clothes inside. He looked at me with a big silly smile then gestured his finger at me, gesturing for me to come which made me instantly hop off the counter and walk to his direction, attacking him with, again, hungry and longing kisses.
The moment we closed the door of the bathroom, I pushed him against the nearest wall he could lean on and scanned his body. I just looked at him blankly for a few seconds. I want to remember every part of him, and I don't want to miss even a single strand of hair.
"Baby?" I snapped out when I heard him speak. He looked at me, confused, while reaching out my hands and squeezing them gently, "Are you okay? Are you sure you want this?" He asked. I nodded fast, almost immediately. I want him, I want him.
I leaned to kiss him again, pushing him to the wall. I started kissing him down to his neck until I decided to kneel in front of him and take him in my mouth. I heard him lowly grunt, watching me bob my head onto him. His hands tugged my hair, guiding my head to give better friction on him. When he started to feel his high, his grip on my hair became tighter while he started panting heavily, obviously keeping himself from moaning loudly. And the next thing I knew, he started thrusting into my mouth, making me gag.
Chan pulled away and started pumping himself, instantly making me open my mouth, tongue out, as I waited for him to release his load on my face. "Beautiful," he said, when he finished, seeing how messed up I looked in front of him. He leaned down slightly and then gave me another kiss while he guided me to stand up and leaned me, facing the wall.
"I want you to stifle your moans, baby. Can you do that for me?" He asked, pressing his body tightly against mine, leaving no space between me, him, and the wall that I was practically face-to-face with. I nodded eagerly, craving him intensely. "Claim me as yours," I whispered, eliciting a groan from him.
Chan began kissing the back of my shoulders while one of his hands continued to push me against the wall, and the other hand was once again pumping his member to hardness.
After finishing masturbating, he positioned his cock with mine, reminding me once again, "No loud moans, okay?" I nodded in response as he carefully pushed himself inside me.
I grunted at the sensation, panting heavily as we remained still for a couple of minutes to allow me to adjust, with Chan never failing to plant small kisses on my back.
"Please, start moving," I pleaded, my voice reflecting my desire. With a final kiss on my shoulder, Chan began thrusting gently, ensuring my comfort throughout.
"Shit... M-more, Channie. Please, please..." I moaned a little bit loud, making him cover my mouth while he continued trusting faster this time. That moment pulled me from my senses, rendering me unable to stifle the sounds escaping my mouth as he had requested. His hands, covering my mouth, then gently guided my head to the side, causing me to glance back at Chan. "Hold back your moans, my love," he whispered into my ear before capturing my lips with his own.
His kisses muffled my moans, and I found myself yearning to touch him, my hands reaching out in a desperate attempt to connect with him. Thoughts of wanting to feel him, see him, consume my mind, leaving me feeling weightless and intoxicated. My thoughts swirled in a dizzying whirlwind, unable to form coherent sentences as my sole desire became to witness him taking me.
He continued his trust while pulling away from our kiss, "I want to see you, Chan. Please. Let me see you, baby. I want to see you," I said, practically begging for him.
Chan stopped, pulling away to make me face him. He looked into my eyes, and I returned his gaze. His eyes held a hint of worry as he cupped my cheeks gently, wiping away his remaining essence that lingered on my face and brushing aside the sweaty strands of hair on my forehead. "What's wrong, Felix?" he asked softly. I struggled to find an answer, my mind consumed with thoughts of him, longing to kiss him again. So, I leaned in to do just that. We shared a brief kiss before he pulled away once more, but I eagerly followed, unable to resist.
"No... I want to kiss you. Please, don't pull away, Channie. Make me as yours, please," I pleaded, my eyes reflecting my desperation.
Chan sighed, his fingers still caressing my cheeks as he leaned in to give me a tender peck. "I will, my love. You don't need to beg me for anything. I will always give you everything you want me to give you," he assured me. With that, the tears I had been holding back finally escaped, trailing down my cheeks.
But you won't, Chan.
"Hey, why? What's the matter, baby?" I shook my head in response, reaching for the nape of his neck to draw him closer for another kiss. "Kiss me," I whispered, tears still streaming down my face.
I kissed him passionately, eagerly pulling him closer to me. As our passion reignited, I whispered to him as we pulled away from our kiss, "Love me."
He smiled at me and pecked on my lips before responding, "I will." He said, proceeding on carrying me, leaning my back onto the wall while his hands travelled to my lower thighs to have a better grip on my weight. I instantly wrapped my legs around his waist and embraced him as I felt his hard-on lining back to my entrance and within just seconds, he was inside me again.
A moan escapes both our mouths and both are looking at each other. He gazes at me lovingly while I return it with longingness.
"I love you," he said. I gave him a small smile and responded before kissing him again, "I love you, too, Chan," I whispered, then kissed him passionately again while he started moving his hips against me at a slow pace.
At this very moment, all I desire is to cherish every moment with you. To love you in the best way I can, to make you feel it deeply, and to be with you as if there are no worries in the world. But I know deep down that you can't give me everything I long for, because the one thing I truly desire between us already belongs to someone else. I don't want to take that from you or from her. Seeing you together has made me realise how out of place I am, how much my presence distracts you and Noona. I'm sorry for that.
So now, Chan, I want you to make me feel your love so that I will never forget how it feels to be with you. I want you to love me as if it's the last time.
* * *
I sat on the couch, lost in thought, gazing at Chan's peaceful face as he lay his head on my thigh, fast asleep. It was nearly 5 am, and we had only finished an hour ago. We'd agreed to stay on the couch and chat while Noona slept, but within minutes, Chan had drifted off too.
Now, I sat here, watching him slumber so tranquilly, gently brushing his hair while silent tears streamed down my face. He had kept asking if I was alright, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything to him. I found it difficult to open up after everything I'd heard from Soyeon Noona. Honestly, I felt like such a fool now, ashamed that I'd engaged in intimacy with Chan in their home while she slept. I felt dreadful.
But I couldn't seem to control myself as if my emotions were running wild, much like they are now. I didn't want this to end; I just wanted to be with him. Yet, I knew it couldn't last, for once the sun rose, she would awaken, and I would have to resume my role as his best friend, not his lover.
It pains me how close he is, yet I cannot have him.
I cast another glance at Chan before carefully lifting his resting head from my thigh, replacing it with the pillow Noona had given me the night before, and then stood up. Chan stirred slightly, lightly holding my hand as he whispered with his sleepy voice, "Stay, baby. Cuddle with me here," he urged.
I looked at him, his eyes struggling to properly open. Kneeling down, I kissed his forehead. "We can't, Noona will be awake in a few hours," I replied softly.
He closed his eyes and hummed sleepily, "Stay," he whispered again. I let out a bitter smile, studying his features, then gently caressed his cheek. "I love you, Chan," I whispered into his ear, giving him a peck on his lips. A small smile formed on his lips, and with a low, almost inaudible whisper, he replied, "I love you, too."
"Go back to sleep now, my love."
Chan drifted back to sleep almost immediately. After ensuring he was sound asleep, I stood up and retrieved my belongings from the smaller couch in front of where Chan was sleeping. With a heavy heart, I once again looked at him, a tear falling from my eye. "I'm sorry for what I've caused you both," I whispered to myself, glancing at the door of the room where Noona was sleeping before making my way to the front door. One of us had to leave, and if he couldn't let go of her, then it had to be me to step aside, right? After all, I was the one who didn't belong there.
I left their flat and walked to my car. As I entered the vehicle, my suppressed cries finally broke free. The reality of everything hit me like a double-edged sword piercing my heart, causing tears to stream down my face. In the end, I knew I was the one who had to leave. I was never meant to be in that place. Why did I even think I would?
Tears streamed down my face as I reached for my phone to send Soyeon Noona a message, concocting an excuse of an emergency call making me drive back to Seoul immediately. With trembling fingers, I then dialled my younger sister's number, and she answered promptly, "Hello, Felix?"
"Hey," I replied, my voice choked with a small sob.
"Are you crying?" she asked, her concern evident.
"No," I lied, but my sob betrayed me once again.
"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying, Lix?" she pressed.
"No, Olivia. Just... Can you do me a favour, please?" I heard her sigh, sensing that I didn't want to discuss it further.
"Sure, what is it?"
"Can you help me book the nearest possible flight we can afford to Sydney? I'm going home, preferably this week, ASAP," I requested, bracing myself for her reaction.
I heard her small gasp, but ignored it as she responded, "Are you serious, Lix?"
I paused, contemplating the weight of my decision. Was I really serious? I wasn't sure, but I knew I couldn't stay in Seoul where he could easily find me. I just wanted us all to find the peace we deserved, even though it hurt so damn much.
"I am. Please help me with that while I speak to my boss about this sudden decision," I replied firmly.
"Okay, no problem. But, you owe me a story. Whatever the reason for your tears right now, remember that we're always here for you, Felix. I'll update you with the ticket details." I simply hummed in response before ending the call.
Glancing at the time, I noted it was quarter to six. Despite my lack of proper sleep and the ache in my lower body, I knew I needed to drive home. I couldn't bear to stay here any longer. I didn't want Chan to see me again; I needed to leave. So, I decided to find somewhere else to rest before heading back to Seoul. I would contact my family for help so I could leave as soon as possible.
Ryujin had been right. I needed to choose myself, just as she had chosen to let me go for both of our happiness. I needed time to heal my heart and move forward. In life, we often need to let go and sacrifice things we hold dear for the betterment of everyone's lives. And now, I was choosing myself, letting him go, sacrificing my happiness, and setting aside my own selfish desires. I was letting go to choose myself, just as Ryujin had sacrificed for me. I'm choosing myself, and I will find happiness, no matter what.
* * *
AN: The next chapter will be the end, but it will be split into two parts. This means that we still have two final parts to cover.
2024.03.14
strayradish_