day 401
"fuck" gerard mumbled under his nose as he fell down to the ground, grabbing his head with his hand.
tears were streaming down my face, and i felt so fucking sick of him. "you're fucking disgusting" i cried out, sobbing a little.
"and you're fucking crazy" he stood up, struggling to stand still from all the alcohol he drank. i scoffed at the sight, shaking my head slightly.
"leave my house" i said sternly, as he chuckled angrily, furrowing his eyebrows.
"nahh, i don't think i will" he got closer to me yet again, stroking my cheek with his cold hand.
"gerard please... stop..." i said quietly as my voice got weaker, looking down on the ground to avoid eye contact with him.
"why?" he asked, his thumb now on my bottom lip. i opened my mouth to say something, but no words could leave my throat. i closed it quickly, staring up into his hazel eyes.
he narrowed them, smirking a bit as he leaned in. "i fucking hate you." i said angrily through gritted teeth, meaning every word that came out of my mouth.
his eyes widened a bit, but he didn't seem hurt. he definitely seemed surprised.
"wh...what?" he stuttered out, blinking rapidly as he couldn't believe what he just heard.
"i said i hate you" i repeated, my voice firm and serious. i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
gerard just stared at me for a moment, his expression unreadable. and then, without warning, he lunged at me, his hands wrapping around my neck.
i gasped for air, struggling to breathe as he squeezed tighter. my vision started to blur, and i could feel myself fading away.
and then, just as suddenly as it had started, it was over. gerard released his grip and stumbled backwards, panting heavily. i crumpled to the ground, coughing and gasping for air.
"please leave..." i said, my voice hoarse and weak.
he hesitated for a moment, looking like he wanted to say something, but eventually he just shook his head and stumbled towards the door.
as he left, i collapsed onto the ground and sobbed. i couldn't believe he could hurt me like this.
day 405
"i'm... i'm sorry y/n" he said sadly, looking down at me.
i stood there for a moment, not sure how to respond. part of me wanted to believe him, to forgive him and move on from everything that had happened between us.
but another part of me couldn't forget the way he had treated me, the way he had hurt me both physically and emotionally.
"i don't know if I can forgive you gerard..." i finally said, my voice shaking slightly.
"i understand..." he said, his voice quiet.
there was a long silence between us, and i could feel the tension in the air. "i just want things to go back to how they were before" he said, his eyes pleading.
"but they can't" i said firmly. "not after everything that has happened."
"i know" he said, looking down at the ground. "but i want to try. i want to make things right between us"
i looked at him for a moment, studying his face. it was hard to imagine him actually feeling bad for me, and wanting to start over.
"okay" i finally said, nodding slightly. "we can try"
gerard's face broke into a small smile, and i couldn't help but feel a sense of hopefulness.
day 418
i sat on my couch with no purpose, staring up at the ceiling above me blankly, as random thoughts flooded my mind.
i sighed slowly, picking up my laptop and opening it. i headed over to some weird page dedicated to my chem, i dunno. just a thing i would always do.
i kept on reading some of the posts that their fans wrote, and i couldn't help but widen my eyes at one of them. 'GUYZZ !! x_x HOW R WE FEELING ABOUT GEE'S NEW GF ?? :PP I H8 HER xD frerard forever </3 ^_^'
"girlfriend? the fuck does that mean" i thought, searching for more information on google. and that's when my heart shattered.
what the fuck? i thought he didn't like labels? and yet here he is, in a relationship with eliza.
my whole body was filled with jealousy, and i couldn't believe all the shit i just read.
"maybe it's just rumors, maybe it isn't true" i kept on saying in my mind, hoping to god i was right. but right when i thought so, i saw a video on google; some sort of low quality interview with gerard and some dude.
"so, tell me more about it gerard. we've heard you've got a girlfriend, is it official? is it just a rumor?" the man with the microphone said, handing it over to gerard once he was done talking.
"yeah... it's official" gerard smiled slightly with his teeth, looking down shyly as he played around with a ring on his finger.
"congratulations! your girlfriend is the luckiest girl in the world" the man got all excited, and then looked down at gerard's hands.
"OH MY GOD!! is that an engagement ring on your finger?" he asked, smiling like crazy. gerard blushed a bit, scratching his neck in a nervous manner. he nodded slightly, licking his lips as he did so.
i couldn't handle it anymore. i turned my laptop off and quickly got off my couch, gripping my head in both of my hands as i walked in circles.
i couldn't comprehend the fact that he chose her over me. what did she have that i didn't? what was so different about her? did he use me for sex? did he use me for making music?
so many thoughts filled my mind and i couldn't calm down. i was a mess, crying loudly as i walked in circles.
there was only one thing left; i had to confront gerard.
the thought of confronting him made me feel anxious and nervous, but i knew it was necessary. i couldn't just let my feelings go unresolved, so i grabbed my phone and dialed his number.
it felt like an eternity before he finally answered, his voice calm and collected.
"hey y/n, what's up?" his voice tinged with a hint of curiosity.
"i saw the interview..." i said, my voice shaking slightly. "the one where you announced you're in a relationship... and where you showed off the engagement ring"
gerard was silent for a moment, and i could hear him take a deep breath on the other end of the line.
"i know it's probably a shock for you to hear y/n... but i've been seeing eliza for a while now, and things just kind of... progressed" he said, still sounding pretty calm.
"why didn't you tell me?" i asked, feeling hurt. "you could have at least been honest with me"
"i'm sorry y/n, i didn't want to hurt you" he sighed, as i shook my head angrily.
"well you did" i said firmly. there was a long pause between us, and i could hear gerard let out a frustrated breath.
"i'm sorry y/n" he apologized again. "i really am. but i hope you can understand that this was a decision i had to make for myself. i didn't mean to hurt you."
i took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions. "i just... i thought we had something gerard. i thought we were... more than just friends"
"we are more than just friends, y/n" he said, his voice getting a bit angry. "but we can't be together. i care about you, but it's not romantic"
i felt a lump rise in my throat at his words, and i couldn't help but feel heartbroken. i had been holding onto this hope that there was something more between us, but now i realized it was just a figment of my imagination.
"are you fucking serious?" i asked angrily, raising my voice a bit as i furrowed my eyebrows.
"i'm sorry y/n..." he apologized, his voice soft but kind of nervous.
"you literally kept on telling me that you just didn't like labels on things, yet here you are, in a relationship with eliza, openly talking about her in public" i said, furrowing my eyebrows even more.
"what about all the times we had sex together, huh? maybe you just wanted to have a quick fuck behind her back? all the fucking dates we went on together, all the times you told me you loved me?" i added, words just spilling out of my mouth with no thought behind them.
an awkward silence filled our conversation, neither of us wanting to break it. the tension grew bigger and bigger with every second, to the point where i couldn't take it anymore, i felt like i was going crazy.
"i never meant to lead you on" he said, breaking the silence. "i care about you, i really do. but... i just... don't feel the same way that you do. and i'm sorry if i hurt you"
i bit my bottom lip, trying to hold back my tears. "i just don't understand, gerard" i said, my voice shaky.
"why did you do all those things with me if you didn't feel anything for me?" i couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and i just let them fall.
"i don't know... maybe i was confused... maybe i wanted to try something new. but i realize now that i made a mistake" he sounded a bit annoyed, like i was getting on his nerves.
i closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. "whatever" and with that i hung up the phone and sat there for a moment, feeling lost and confused.
it was like my entire world had just been turned upside down, and i didn't know what to do next.