"There are millions of people in Hell scattered throughout the seven rings and nine circles. Some are sinners, some are Hell-born, and some are unlucky souls who got screwed in the living world."
"These are their problems."
Luke: (standing in front of the Hazbin Hotel) You're playing buck hunter at the bar the other night and your game was so tight, a gal offered to give you a squeezer in the parking lot.
Osric: (standing in front of the Goetia Mansion) One basketball team in gym class always has all the fucking Dutchmen.
Luke: You've seen the new Miley Cyrus video and you're pretty sure he went up to feed the ducks.
Osric: You drive and smoke in a blowup boat. Lost the rest of your darts when the ship went down.
Vicious: (in Verosika Mayday's recording booth) You love that movie, The Fox and the Hound, that so much you can't bring yourself to kill the fox that's been gettin in the chicken coop. You don't care if that makes you softer than a Disney matinee.
Osric: You didn't believe your brother when he said he could light one candle off another by doing a Blue Angel. Then you witnessed it. He could've lit a baker's dozen.
Luke: You got asked to fight by another hound at a duck n' doe the other weekend, but his last name was "Chestiney" and concern of a relation with Kenny was enough to pump the breaks right there.
Vicious: You woke up on your friend's lawn the other day, but your friend's lawn is in Envy, so, that's a bit off putting.
Luke: You feel lazy watching too much tv unless there's competitive women's volleyball on, in which case you get comfortable with a free conscience and maybe a pillow over your lap.
Osric: Your friend said he got hepatitis from a salad bar while vaccinationing in Mexico. (Scoffs) More like he got your salad tossed in Mexico.
Luke: Your gal seen your porn search history on the internet and threatened to hit your genitals, which is a far cry from stroke and also the reason we're in this pickle.
Vicious: You don't understand why UFC wrestlers would pick that as a profession. What with all the research going about how much damage it'll do to your body. (Checks his cigarette pack) Ah! Fuck, I'm outta smokes.
Luke: Your cousin wore a t-shirt that said "Don't Dip Your Pen In The Company Ink," which is inappropriate cuz that carries some serious implications on the family farm.
Osric: You tell your gal the same three words every time she leaves the house; Large double-double.
Luke: You tried to be a hero in Century club by taking a whisky shot every tenth shot, but there's nothing heroic about shittin' your pants while puking at your cousin's Sinsmas pageant.
"One Helluva Team"
The scene shows Luke meeting up with the rest of the crew in Imp City as they entered the office. It was just shortly after the announcement of the moved up Extermination so things were a bit hectic right now.
Moxxie: Hey, Luke.
Millie: How're ya now?
Luke: Not so bad.
Loona: Didn't think you'd show up.
Luke: How come?
Loona: Uh, the angels changing up the day?
Moxxie: Aren't your moms needing more help after that incident?
Luke: Well, mom's slightly freaking out while mamá's trying to keep things composed. Right now, there's not much I can do, so they suggested I at least keep up with work here.
Vicious: It can also serve an excuse for youse to get away from the chaotic guests over there.
Luke: Will neither confirm nor deny.
Osric: Well, until you get more information about what to do, how's about a job? Heard Blitzo's interviewing a client now.
Millie: Let's do some target practice first. Moxxie, you're first!
Meanwhile in the main office, Blitzo was speaking with a client. She was a purple skinned demon with with horns, glasses, white hair, and a red business suit. This was Mrs. Mayberry.
She had finished telling the boss imp about her story that she was a good person. She taught at an elementary school and did everything right. But then, she discovered her husband was having an affair with another woman. In a blind rage, she kills both of them, but when she realized that they were on a FaceTime call right in front of her classroom, Mayberry shoots herself.
Mrs. Mayberry: You do everything right in life, play by all the rules... and still get sent down here with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world! After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage. So, that's why I'm here. To get my revenge.
Blitzo: I mean, was she hotter?
Mrs. Mayberry glares at Blitzo with an incredulous look on her face.
Blitzo: (smirks) I'm just saying, I had a hard time understanding the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, tits.
Mrs. Mayberry seethes in anger, her aura glowing red.
Blitzo: Anywayyyy, I don't think you quite understand how we're operating down here. (stands up and Mrs. Mayberry glares at him) See, we take revenge out on the living, and it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of death...
Mrs. Mayberry clenches her fist. Her red aura glows again.
Blitzo: ...frankly are all probably down here in Hell with you. Boop!
Blitzo boops her on the nose.
Mrs. Mayberry: (clenches her claws) Not... all of them. That whore survived. Now, they all call her a hero.
*MONTAGE*
Said woman was at a hospital bed with a bandages and recovering. The room is filled with colorful bouquets of flowers. The woman's children and husband are by her bedside.
Woman reporter: How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?
Martha: I just hope that sick woman finally found peace.
Woman reporter: You are so brave. Here's two million dollars!
A golden check slowly moves toward her.
Martha: (innocently) Ohhh! Thank you!
Martha stands with her husband Ralphie and their two children in front of a house by a lake, surrounded by a picket fence.
Mrs. Mayberry (narrating) Between the talk shows and the donation bullshit, she made so much goddamn cash... getting shot was the best thing to happen to her!
Scene cuts to Martha standing at a podium with "VNN" on it. A news reporter holds out a microphone among several other microphones.
Reporter: You're a hero!
Martha is then seen jogging with a dark-skinned woman with blonde hair.
Jogger: You're a hero, girl!
In a grocery store, a boy wearing a beaver-skin cap talks with a cashier lady named Brook.
Martha's son: My mama's a hero!
Cashier: She is a hero!
Ralphie and Martha have sex in a bedroom and he grunts in pleasure.
Ralphie: (grunts) You're a hero!
An old priest is seen with his hands folded in prayer by church doors. Martha stands next to him with her hands folded.
Priest: You're a herooo!
Martha is then seen standing at the front of Mrs. Mayberry's old classroom. Another teacher introduces Martha to the class. "How to deal with trauma 101" is written on the board.
Class: You're a hero!
Martha smiles as she is given anal sex from another man.
Man: (groans) You're a hero!
*END OF MONTAGE*
Mrs. Mayberry's purple fists create cracks on Blitzo's desk as she smashes down on it.
Mrs. Mayberry: (shouting, her voice echoing) SHE IS NOT A HEROOOOOO!
She leans in close to Blitzo's face, her face red with anger.
Blitzo: (frightened) Mm-hmm. Yeah! Okay, yeah, my thoughts exactly.
Blitzo rapidly presses a red button from underneath his desk. A red light flashes by a label reading "Deranged client." The other labels read "More coffee," "Soiled my pants," "Horny client," "Client giving birth," "Ghost," "Stolas," and "Degens from Upcountry."
In another room, Moxxie was practicing firing a crossbow. In front of him is a picture of a smiling family: a father, a mother, a baby and two children. His arms are shaking as the pointer hovers around the man's crotch area.
Millie: Moxxie, stop shakin'! You're gonna shoot our only hellhounds!
Said hounds were Luke and Loona as Luke was holding the picture up and Lonna was lying on his lap while looking at her phone.
Loona: (sarcastically, deadpan) Wow. I feel soooo loved here.
Luke: You should, because I love you. (Loona smiles at that)
Millie: Just take a deep breath, (inhales) and let it out!
Moxxie: But... it's a family! Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?
Millie: I mean, if that's what the client wants.
Osric: (eating some yogurt) We're paid to get the job done, not ask questions.
Moxxie: Maybe like a shitty dad. Or a mob family. (speaking with a stereotypical Italian accent)That's understandable. (speaks normally) But to eradicate an entire innocent—seemingly, in this instance—upper middle class family bloodline?
Loona: Hey! You don't know they're innocent! (points to the boy) This kid probably sets dogs on fire.
Osric: (points to the girl) Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.
Luke: (points to the father) And this guy... This guy definitely watches.
Vicious: Exactly. Plus, most of the guys we do kill windup being degens and psychopaths.
Millie: Exactly! Humans are full of secret nasties. It's why so many of them end up here.
Moxxie: But—
Luke: Mox, I'm really rooting for you, but right now, you're being a bit of a pain. It's just a picture and not an actual human.
Moxxie: I just think it's a bit excessive, and we could be a bit more selective, is all.
Blitzo barges into the room followed by Mrs. Mayberry.
Blitzo: Guys! I want you to meet—
A startled Moxxie accidentally fires his arrow and it ricochets around the room. Millie jumps into Moxxie's arms as the arrow hits a computer. The arrow then flies and creates a hole in the family picture that a stunned Luke is holding. The arrow shoots through Osric's yogurt cup. The arrow hits the bottom of a tank with eels and the tank starts to wobble dangerously. The arrow flies toward Mrs. Mayberry, but Blitzo catches it with one hand.
Blitzo: ...our newest client!
The eel tank falls down. Glass and water spill on the floor. The eels fall out and bursts into electricity, setting the room on fire.
Blitzo: Dammit, Moxxie! I just bought those eels!
Vicious: Fuck sake! Why even eels?!
*SHORT TIMESKIP*
They soon got the fire department on time as some imp firefighters carry the eels away and head into a red fire truck. Mrs. Mayberry drives off in a yellow taxi cab as Blitzo waves goodbye.
Blitzo: Byyyyye! And, don't worry, we'll get that skank in less than twenty-four hours or your first kill is freee!
Moxxie: Since when did we start implementing that deal?
Blitzo: When you set fire to my office in front of a (grabs his face and yells in anger) CLIENT, YOU FUCKIN' DICK SHIT!! (Pushes Moxxie away) Now, someone PLEASE tell me that fancy book is still intact!
Loona: You mean... our only ticket to the other side? (pulls out the grimoire) Yeah. Got it.
Vicious: You're really good at saving the important stuff, Loona, and that's what I appreciates about you.
Loona: Is that what you appreciate about me?
Blitzo: And that's why you're my favorite, Loonie. (baby talk voice) You get a tweat, now!
Blitzo holds up a dog biscuit to her.
Loona: Ew. Stop.
Blitzo throws the treat into the air and catches it with his tongue, like a frog. He pulls it into his mouth and chews.
Luke and Loona: You're so gross!
Millie draws a pentagram with chalk on the wall. It glows red and creates a portal to the human world.
Blitzo: Awwww, stop it. I get enough of that from my therapist.
Luke: Fuck sake. (To Loona) We'll call for pick up.
Loona: Don't keep me waiting.
She kisses his cheek and leaves. The boys enter the portal first and Blitzo puts his hand on Moxxie's face, who struggles to walk to Millie.
Blitzo: Now, let's go lick some ass!
Millie: The expression is "kick some ass"... Blitzo.
Millie snaps her fingers at Blitzo as she walks through the portal.
Blitzo: Mine's better.
Blitzo walks through the portal.
Moxxie: (sighs) Aww, fuuuck...
Moxxie walks through the portal. All three imps, hellhound, owl, and gargoyle demons stand in front of a small red house by the lake as the sun sets. Blitzo and Moxxie lean against the side of the house, rising from bushes. Blitzo stands up and peers into the window.
Blitzo: That's gotta be her. (chuckles darkly) This is too easy. Moxxie, do you want this one?
Moxxie: (pleasantly surprised) Me?
Blitzo: Yeaaaah, this one's simple enough for you to handle.
Moxxie stands up and peers through the window. His faces falls as he looks at the family having dinner.
Blitzo: It's just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.
Martha and Ralphie affectionately rub each other's noses. Martha holds a dinner platter in her hand. Moxxie hesitates at the window.
Luke: (looks in the family) Looks normal enough.
Osric: Appearances can be deceiving.
Vicious: Well, we're not paid to— (sees something) Wait, what's that in the back?
Blitzo: (pulls out a rifle) You snooze, you lose, Mox!
Martha's face is seen in a reflector, her doe eyes wide and blinking innocently.
Blitzo: Aaaand I've got ya, bitch.
Moxxie: Wait... Are we actually killing a family?!
Blitzo: No, don't be a puss. We're just killing a mother. (positions his rifle) We're ruining a family!
Rifle clicks.
Moxxie: But... Ho- Hold on, hold on! Let's just think about it.
Vicious: If it makes you feel better, Mox, it looks like there's taxidermy of a—
He's interrupted when Moxxie lifts up Blitzo's gun as he fires. The bullet hits a glass mirror inside the house.
Blitzo: (fumes in anger) What the fuck was that, Moxxie?!
Moxxie wheezes anxiously, eye twitching. He lets out a croak with his snake-like tongue out. He then falls to his knees, hands over his face.
Moxxie: I'm sorry. They just seemed so wholesome and happy. (Tears fall down his eyes) I panicked!
Blitzo: (facepalms) Oh, who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie?! From the moment of birth, you're already a parasite leeching off your momma's tits! Get the FUCK over yourself, you baby dick prune!
Luke: These nutsacks are no where near innocent. There's human taxidermy on their wall!
*BANG!*
A bullet shoots through the wall and hits Blitzo in the arm, black blood flying out.
Blitzo: AAAAH! A new hole! SCATTER!
Everyone runs in separate directions as the family blasts through the house and began pursuing them.
*TIMESKIP*
Luke was walking out in the woods as he and Vicious got separated from the others.
Vicious: Like I said before; most of the targets are degens and psychos.
Luke: (grumbles)
Vicious: I know Mox's ideals can be a bit of a headache.
Luke: Even worse when they result in fuckin up production.
Vicious: But you gots to admit, he does add that nice friendly energy to this mess of a company.
Luke: Let's just hope he lives long enough to not screw up again.
He feels his phone buzzing, and he looks to see that it was from Charlie saying that she'd like him to pick up groceries on his way home later.
Vicious: Just curious, when are you gonna tell your moms what you do for a living?
Luke: When they're old and on their deathbeds.
Vicious: Luke!
Luke: You know they wouldn't approve. Mom's working to get souls rehabilitated and sent to Heaven, and Mamá already hates Blizo when I introduced him to her. If they find out what I do, they'll blow a gasket.
Vicious: Maybe. But listen, if you need help telling them, you can count on me and the others. You know that, right?
Luke: I know. I just don't want them to worry. And, let's push this topic aside and get the others.
Rustling was heard, and all the sudden, they were tackled by a bear and tossed around. They punched it off, and the bear roars and they roared back.
Vicious: What the fuck is this?! First cannibal degens and now bears?!
Luke: I outta take a fuckin migraine here.
They then lung at the bear and began fighting.
*OSRIC*
The owl demon was surveying the area as he searched for the others.
Osric: This was not how I wanted to spend my day.
His phone begins to ring, and he looks at it to see it's his girlfriend, Octavia.
Osric: Hey, Via.
Octavia: Hello, my knight in shining armor. Am I calling at a bad time?
Osric: Not really. Just looking for the rest of my team cause one of us messed up a kill. What about you?
Octavia: Just enjoying an evening by the pool. And hoping you'd drop by.
Osric: (smiles) I'm down. I'll come by as soon as this job finishes.
Octavia: I'd expect nothing more.
A loud bam was near, and Luke was sent flying across the area and Osric reaches his hand out and catches him.
Osric: Why're you flying?
Luke: Would you believe crazy murder bears out here? (Sees his phone) Hey, you calling your sweetie?
Octavia: Hey, Luke.
Luke: Octavia, how're you now?
Octavia: Good, and you?
Luke: Not so bad. Dealing with a bad job.
Octavia: Sounds like it. I'll let you go, and we'll meet later, Os.
Osric: Okay. Love you, babe.
Octavia: Love you, too.
Osric hangs up the phone and he and Luke get down from the tree and meet with Vicious dealing with the bear. It roars, and the three charge forward again.
*BLITZO*
Meanwhile, Blitzo and Millie got captured and were tied to a stake decorated with spikes at the top. Ralphie laughs as he pours gasoline on the ground under their feet. Nearby, a grinning Martha holds a torch in her left hand.
Blitzo: (sighs) I had that fucking shot. God dammit, Moxxie! And where're the boys?!
Martha wears skull earrings, jeans and a low-cut shirt with polka dots. Her eyes are red and her hair is thick and blonde.
Martha: Satan! We return your FILTHY creatures back to the pits of Hell! (rises her torch as Blitzo and Millie struggle to free themselves) May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thy WORK!
Martha grunts as she tosses the torch to the ground, where it lands under Blitzo and Millie. Evil laughter follows. The flames rise up around Blitzo and Millie, but they remain unharmed.
Blitzo: Yeah, that's not exactly how it works, lady. Sorry, your fire doesn't really hurt us, but, I mean, I could fake it if that'll get your dick hard.
Millie and Blitzo smirk. Martha stares confused.
Martha: Oh. Shit. (Rolls her eyes) Well... I'll just shoot you in your smart-ass mouth! (Pulls out her rifle)
Blitzo: That would be more effective.
Millie: (angrily) Blitzo!
Martha laughs evilly again as she aims her rifle at the imps. Before shooting, however, something goes flying, and knocks Martha outta the way. She looks and see it was the bear the boys were fighting earlier. Said boys were walking out with a few bruises and lashes on them, but despite the injuries, they were ready to fight more. Ralphie tries to run at them, but was punched to the side from Vicious, knocking him out.
Martha: What the fuck?! How are you freaks still alive?!
Luke: That bear wasn't any tougher than degens. Now, before we beat the shit out of you, I have a question—do you by any chance know how to cure syphilis?
Martha: Oh, that's easy. A single injection of long-acting Benzathine penicillin G can cure the early stages. CDC recommends three doses of long-acting Benzathine penicillin G at weekly intervals for late latent stages.
Luke: Good.
Martha: Wait, what makes you think I know syphilis?
Luke: You're a whore with a PhD.
Martha: (pissed) ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!
Luke: What're you gonna do about it?
The three then approach up to her, but were stopped when a gunshot fired and a bullet goes straight through her head. She falls dead and collapses on the ground. They looked over and saw Moxxie holding his gun.
Millie: Moxxie!
Moxxie runs over and unties the rope, freeing Blitzo and Millie.
Blitzo: You're not gettin' your goddamn paycheck for this one, Mox!
Blitzo falls down. Moxxie and Millie smile at each other and embrace. They both move their heads. Ralphie gets up and trips backwards on Martha's body before fleeing the scene. Luke, Osric, and Vicious then walk over to the fire and light cigarettes.
Blitzo: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, thanks! I'm fiiine!
Vicious: Settle down.
Moxxie: (helps Blitzo up and supports him) I'm sorry, sir. I compromised our objective and put us in harm's way. It won't happen again. I promise.
Blitzo: (pulls him in a hug) Apology accepted. (speaks in a low voice) But, if you ever pull a stunt like this agaaaaain, I will fuck you and your wife.
Blitzo lets go as Moxxie looks fearfully. Millie raises her arms in a cheer.
Blitzo: Alrighty! Job well done! Now let's get off.
Blitzo pulls a gray and black horse toy from his chest. He puts it back and retrieves his cell phone.
Moxxie: Ehhhh, yeah. Give me a moment. I need to get something I left at the house.
Blitzo: Okay, fine. But, hurry up. (speaks loudly into the phone) Loonaaaa! We're ready to come home, dear!
Luke: I'm gonna get some of those fuckin all dressed chips when we get home.
A little while later, Moxxie returns back as the portal opens. Vicious and Osric enter in first since they had plans that night.
Blitzo: There he is. Have a good wank-off session, Moxxie?
Moxxie: Excuse me?
Blitzo: Look, I don't care where you cum in the living world. Just come to your job on time, alright? (pokes Moxxie several times for emphasis) See you at the office! (Exits)
Millie: (places her hand on Moxxie's cheek) You doing okay, sweetie?
Moxxie: Better now, honey. I think I just needed a minute to process.
Millie: (touches Moxxie's chest) You have a goooood heart, honey. (playfully pinches Moxxie's nose) Just a fuzzy head!
Millie kisses Moxxie and Moxxie smiles lovingly. Millie walks through the portal.
Luke: You know what, Mox? I do appreciate your kind nature. But, for future reference, don't believe everything at first glance.
Moxxie: Right. Thanks, Luke.
Luke: Also, just curious, but where'd you really go?
Moxxie: Back to the house and had called the police on the rest of the family.
Luke: Wait, you called the cops?
Moxxie: Yeah.
Luke: On a cannibalistic family?
Moxxie: Yeah.
Luke: In up county?
Moxxie: (confused) Yeah?
They then hear sirens and see two police cars and a helicopter outside the house.
Loudspeaker voice: We got em', boys!
A helicopter fires a missile through the roof and the house explodes in an massive inferno. Something hits Moxxie in the head. He looks down to see what is left of the teddy bear head. He's stunned as Luke grabs his shoulder and walks to the portal.
Luke: Pitter-patter.
*TIMESKIP*
Later on while Osric was off to have fun with Octavia, the rest of I.M.P. were celebrating Mayberry's job. A white banner reads "killed the bitch" in red letters. Loona, Mrs. Mayberry and the boys are holding pieces of cake on their plates. "We did it! :)" is written on the cake in light blue icing. Blitzo has his arm in a sling. Everyone is wearing party hats. Everyone laughs and cheers except Moxxie, who sits with a distressed look on his face.
Millie: (excitedly) Ahhh, did you see my little Mox-Mox?!
Mrs. Mayberry: Yaaay!
Blitzo: Ohhhh, yeah!
Vicious: Another job well done.
Millie: (hugs Moxxie) We did it! Oh, Moxxie!
Blitzo: Well, here's to another mission accomplished! And Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.
Luke: That's a Texas-size 10-4, good buddy.
Millie rubs Moxxie's head.
Millie: And killin' people isn't that big of a deal if they try to kill you back!
Mrs. Mayberry: That's messed up. But, I paid for it!
Everyone except Moxxie laughs. Blitzo raises a fist.
Blitzo: Yeah, fuck that family!
A short while later after they cleaned up the party, Luke was curious about what the client plans now.
Luke: So, now that your kill request is complete, what'd you plan to do now?
Mrs. Mayberry: For now, I guess I'll look into getting a job along with a place to stay. If I'm honest, though, I never really expected to be in Hell. Which... sucks, you know? You do everything right, and when you make one mistake, you wind up down here. As if everything else you did never mattered.
Luke: Well, maybe you might be able to get a better chance. If you're ever interested in it, there's plenty of room at the Hazbin Hotel.
Mrs. Mayberry: I think I've heard of it. I'll keep that in mind.
As she leaves, Luke gets a ping from his phone and sees his moms needed him back home to help plan for some things. He sighs as he double checks the list from earlier and left to head home.
Luke's Thoughts: How the hell do we get a soul into Heaven before the next Extermination?
As he gets in his car, he was watched from a distance by Joshua.
Joshua: ...
Next chapter: a new patron to the hotel