"Time will make it worse! You're...the other half of his soul. He's never going to get over you. And no matter how much you hope that you will... you'll never get over him. You're going to wake up one day and realize what you've done, and you're going to regret the time you wasted apart from him for the rest of your life." Jamie McGuire, Providence
----
XXIV.
Lily was certain that her face lacked all composure as she felt the blood drain from it. Sir Richard, on the other hand, looked positively delighted as he took in her appearance in their current environment. It was certainly a far cry from Callan's cramped office.
He had called her 'my lady'. Her identity was known by every person in this ballroom with or without a formal introduction. Everyone knew that she was the daughter of the Duke of Ashwood. Everyone knew that she was Lady Cecily Beresford. And now Sir Richard knew that Lily Bennett was an invented charade. It only took seconds of looking at the devious smile on the man's face to know that he was the last person Lily would have wanted to discover the truth.
Sir Richard then looked to Ed, who appeared quite confused at the way the man was looking at Lily. Thankfully though, he was quite distracted by Sir Richard, and hadn't looked upon Lily until she had had a moment to compose herself.
"Lord Evesham, it is good to see you again."
"The Season is always a delightful time to be in town," Ed replied, though he did not sound as chipper and cheerful as Sir Richard.
"Might I trouble you for an introduction. I do not believe the lady and I are acquainted." The emphasis that Sir Richard placed on the word 'lady' sent a shiver down Lily's spine, and it felt very familiar to the uncomfortable fear she had felt upon being in Sir Richard's presence the first time.
Lily wanted nothing less than to be formally acquainted with him, secret or not.
Ed laughed uncomfortably. "I do believe the responsibility of introductions ought to fall to the lady's father," he murmured, before muttering, "and you are old enough to be her father," under his breath.
"Shall we go and speak to your father then, my lady? I do believe I heard about a substantial investment he made in the business of an old friend of mine. I should love to chat to him about it." Sir Richard was goading her. Had he no propriety?
What a stupid question. Any man who would accost a woman as Sir Richard had done lacked any sort of decency. The man wore his name well. He was a frog if she ever saw one.
"It is alright, Lord Evesham," Lily said, addressing Ed formally. "Please, introduce us."
Ed's brows furrowed before he obliged Lily. "Sir Richard Frogmore, may I introduce you to Lady Cecily Beresford. My lady, Sir Richard Frogmore."
Sir Richard bowed deeply, and the action felt nothing short of insulting. He was making a show of Lily's panic. Such a fanciful introduction drew the attention of many surrounding them. Before Lily could stop him, Sir Richard had seized her hand and was pressing his foul lips against her knuckles.
It was Lily's instinct to turn her nose up in disgust, and her stomach flipped over inside of her. The feel of his touch made her feel ill, and she was brought right back to that moment of powerlessness that she had felt in his presence. It did not matter that in this moment Lily outranked him. Sir Richard and his smarmy smile did not seem to care about that fact not one iota.
When his cold eyes found hers again, he grinned. "I am delighted to make your acquaintance, my lady. I feel –"
But Sir Richard could not finish his sentence, which would have no doubt been something taunting meant to frighten Lily. He could not finish because they were joined by Lily's parents, and the protective arm of her father that wound around her immediately settled Lily.
"Sir Richard." Adam's tone was as discourteous as Lily had ever heard it.
"Your Grace." Sir Richard was bound by rank to bow his head to Adam, and his slimy air vanished to one of subtle intimidation.
Lily wondered if Sir Richard was now thinking of his behaviour in Callan's office in a different light. What would happen to him if Adam found out that he had accosted Lily? Lily wanted nothing more than to tell her father what this man had done, but to do so would be to reveal far too much. And that was, yet again, her own fault.
Adam stared at the man with a daunting gaze. He gave himself airs in front of Sir Richard in a way that Lily knew he would not ordinarily behave. Adam did not respect Sir Richard. Lily wondered when they would have had occasion to meet, but then supposed that rich peers all seemed to know of one another.
"I just had the good fortune of making the acquaintance of your daughter. She is charming. A young woman of many talents, I understand." Sir Richard spoke first in an awkward, yet conversational, tone.
"Lady Cecily is certainly very young," Adam bit back, his arm tightening around Lily. "Is it your intention to search for a wife during the Season?"
"I have no urgent need," Sir Richard replied, "though if one enchanting lady were to draw my attention, then I would most definitely entertain the idea. I should like to be as fortunate as you have been one day." He bowed his head towards an unamused Grace. "There are certainly many glittering gems in this ballroom tonight, your own diamond included."
Sir Richard seemed to regain some of his slimy confidence, Adam's question having opened the door for such a line to escape. Perhaps Sir Richard wasn't intimidated by Adam.
But Adam wasn't bound by propriety in that moment. He cared very little for it. "You would do well to look elsewhere, Frogmore."
Sir Richard, to Lily's surprise, laughed. "I could say the same to you, Your Grace. I have heard about your most recent investment. I find it ... curious, to say the least."
"We shall leave you to ponder, then," Adam rebuked, before urging Lily away. "Good evening." As they moved away from Sir Richard's ability to overhear them, Adam murmured, "He is not a suitor I would entertain, Lily. Not only is he a goblin, but he is older than me."
Lily could not disclose to her father the true abhorrence she felt towards Sir Richard. Even if she had not had such an experience with the man, she would never have considered a man so many years older than herself.
She could also not disclose to her father that she truly felt she could not consider any man. Not any other than him. As she walked with her father, Lily could feel the eyes of the room on her. She could hear her name, her formal name, being whispered by gentlemen trying to work up the nerve to arrange an introduction.
Lily knew that this was going to be an extraordinarily long and painful summer.
When they returned to her grandmother, Cecily was animatedly conversing with a young gentleman and a woman who appeared to be his mother. Cecily's eyes widened warmly upon noticing Lily's return, and she reached out for Lily eagerly.
Lily had a part to play, and she swallowed down her feelings. Adam released her as she joined her grandmother, and Cecily said in a sparkling tone, "Oh, dear Cecily has returned." Cecily was thoroughly enjoying referring to Lily by her given name.
It helped in an odd way to be called 'Cecily' in this setting. It made her feel as though this was the charade, and not the character that she had invented when she had known Callan. She felt more herself as Lily Bennett then she ever would as Cecily Beresford.
Lily was brought before the young gentleman, who was appraising Lily with a pleased expression on his face. He was young, perhaps a few years older than she was, with a neat head of dark hair. His coat was fine, and his boots were fine, and his watch was fine, and his cravat was fine, and everything was fine.
But Lily cared for none of it.
"Lord Samuel Percy, may I present my divine granddaughter, Lady Cecily Beresford. Cecily, I am pleased to introduce you to Lord Samuel Percy. He has recently inherited the Earldom of Wroxham from his late grandfather." This was the character her grandmother was born to play. Lily had always known that her grandmother was a great lady, but she had never before observed her in a ballroom.
"I am absolutely enchanted, my lady." Lord Percy bowed his head and extended his hand towards Lily. At least this one asked for permission before he imposed himself upon her. Lily was polite as she placed her hand in his. Lord Percy very briefly brushed his lips over her knuckles, but even that was too much for Lily.
"That's why I gave you the necklace."
Lily heard Callan's words in her mind as though they had just been spoken to her ten seconds ago, and her lips still felt warm as though he had only just vacated them.
And suddenly, in that crowded ballroom with hundreds of eyes upon her, Lily felt as though she was about to start crying.
But somehow, she managed to stammer something that sounded like, "I am delighted to meet you," before she found herself being guided onto the dance floor.
The remainder of the evening followed a similar pattern, and Lily managed to mask her emotions much better as the night went on. Cecily eagerly introduced her to several lords and heirs (barely avoiding telling her just what sum was lying in their vaults in the Bank of England) and Lily danced with them all. She found the strength to give smiles, though they were not hers.
Lily received more compliments than she had ever received in her life. She was enchanting and charming and every good thing according to the gentlemen she encountered, and yet the following morning, Lily could not recall saying more than three words to any of them.
A passive, demure, and subservient wife was clearly very attractive to these men. That and a sizeable dowry.
Cecily joined the family for breakfast the following morning which was unusual for married, or widowed, ladies. Her grandmother usually took breakfast in her bedroom, but she had come downstairs in eager interest of seeing the post that was delivered that morning.
Lily wasn't hungry and spent a ridiculous amount of time buttering some bread as she was quite lost in thought. Despite her distracted thoughts, she could still hear Cecily interviewing Jackie on what her thoughts of the evening were.
Cecily had insisted, of course, that Jackie, Maria, Jack and Claire all stay at Ashwood Place the previous night, despite having their own home in Mayfair. Clearly, she wanted the opportunity for this conversation.
"Mr John Strathearn, I thought, was a charming gentleman," Cecily remarked to Jackie. "No title, I know, but I have it on good authority that he has ten thousand pounds a year and is heir to both his uncle and his maternal grandfather. That would bring his fortune to some fifty thousand a year if those men would hurry up and depart this life."
"Mother!" exclaimed Jack in horror.
"What?" Cecily protested. "I am certain Mr Strathearn shares my thoughts. Besides, I heard that his Uncle Strathearn is quite the ogre. His would not be a monumental loss."
"Your talent for gossip never ceases to amaze me, Mother." Adam shook his head as he speared a slice of ham with his fork.
"It is not gossip!" Cecily retorted. "Gossip is hearsay. I only seek and spread the truth."
"And what a saint it makes you, Mother," Jack obliged her.
"I know that you are only teasing your poor, old mama, but I shall take that as a compliment anyway." Cecily huffed. "I thought Lord Percy was a charming young man, did you not, Lily? His income is ... modest ... but his title is certainly a revered one. His grandfather was a dreadful gambler, but you did not hear that from me."
"Pray, who did we hear it from then, Mother?" Jack teased.
Cecily rolled her eyes. "You are so much like your father, Jack Beresford."
Both Jack and Adam laughed just as the dining room door was opened by the butler to allow a footman carrying a silver tray to enter the room. Everyone knew what was atop the tray, and Cecily flew out of her chair with the energy of a woman three decades younger than she was.
She practically bowled the poor footman over as she snatched the tray from him before it could be presented to Adam. When the tray was placed down on the table, Lily saw that there was quite the pile of cards that had arrived. Her grandmother had told Lily and Jackie that this was how it worked and seeing the reality of it now made Lily's stomach twist.
Cecily began dividing the cards into two piles. One for Lily, and one for Jackie.
"Lily, George Headley, Jackie, Malcolm Wood, Lily, oh! Lord Percy has written!" she sang, adding Lord Percy's card to the pile. As she picked up the next, she beamed, before adding, "And Mr Strathearn for Jackie. How wonderful!"
"Delightful," Jackie muttered in an entirely uninterested tone.
Cecily's brows furrowed as she read the name on the back of the next letter that she picked up. "Sir Richard Frogmore?" she questioned. "Did I meet with him? Did you, Lily? He has written to you."
----
Hope you enjoyed it!
I am sorry about the wait.
For those of you who didn't see me posts on my message board, bf is still bf. He has other plans, he tells me, but I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. And disappointment for me works a little different if you don't have a neurotypical brain.
I've been battling really hard with a wonderful by-product of ADHD called "rejection sensitive dysphoria". If you don't know what that is, think yourself lucky. I can deal with and find a way to manage everything that my ADHD makes difficult for me, except for RSD.
It is 1000000% the worst part of ADHD. Basically, any iota of criticism or rejection I feel DEEP in my soul. It is the worst, most intense emotional pain, and you are catapulted into a pit of despair.
Your brain is SO mean to you, making you feel like you're the worst person in the world, the biggest burden on everyone, and no wonder that person rejected you!
We stan bf though. I promise we do. Not only did he feel terrible for triggering this, but he has supported me and fought my brain (cos the brain be a big bitch!) for the last few weeks. He's been doing his own research on RSD and ADHD and honestly understands me better than I know myself.
I can't begin to articulate how lucky I know I am, and somehow he thinks that he's the lucky one.
But basically feeling this way, and then having to mask all day every day at work, has been next level exhausting.
I have to mask every day anyway, and have done my whole life. When people find out I have ADHD, they're like "You? No way!! Never!", and I go "That's because I'm so good at masking".
But having to cover up that I have felt like I've been rotting on the inside has been hard, and so I haven't been up to writing. I'm still exhausted, but I'm seeing the wood for the trees finally.
We love bf. He's a good boy.
It's Sunday, so that's chores day. I need to get up and clean my house, do my laundry, do my meal prepping, and then make Sunday dinner for the whole fam. Mask on, let's get to work!
But honestly, I am getting better, and if any of you are late diagnosed women, I SEE YOU!
It's nice to be back with you all, though. I've missed you!
Vote and comment xxx