Chapter 10
I really wanted to talk to them again, but I was just so scared that they'd shut me off again. Also, I didn't want to add burden to them kasi nagrereview din sila for the BAR exam. Pero nase-stress talaga ako sa kaka-isip if galit talaga sila sa akin...
Tapos iniisip ko rin if kumalat na ba sa buong soro iyong sa amin ni Lui. I couldn't even message my BAR buddies to ask for some materials. Nahihiya ako kausapin sila kasi feel ko alam din nila iyong nangyari sa may restaurant. Pero ang dami ko rin kailangan na bagong materials kasi hindi ko naman gusto iyong lahat nung binibigay sa review center.
"Wanna sit with me?" tanong ni Lui nung maabutan niya ako na nasa labas pa rin nung classroom namin.
Kanina pa ako dumating sa review center. Usually kasi mga sis ko iyong katabi ko sa classroom. Hindi ako maka-pasok kasi baka alam din nila iyong kay Lui... Pinag-uusapan kaya nila kung paano nangyari 'yon? Kasi hindi naman talaga kami nag-uusap ni Lui sa classroom. Mag-uusap kami usually doon sa may smoking area o kaya kapag dismissal na.
They're probably talking about it.
"Okay," I simply replied, not really wanting to talk about anything else anymore. Halos hindi ako naka-tulog kagabi sa kaka-isip sa nangyari at kung paano ako mag-e-explain. I actually wanted to skip today's class, but I would feel worse dahil pangit na nga nangyayari sa personal life ko, madadamay pa 'yung review ko.
We got inside the room. Nakita ko na napa-tingin sa akin iyong mga sis ko. Alam siguro nila... kasi bakit naman sila titingin nang ganito sa akin?
"Come on," Lui said, nudging me na maglakad na papunta sa likuran.
I quietly followed him. Nandon ako sa pinaka-dulo habang nasa tabi ko siya tapos ay katabi niya naman iyong mga ibang kakilala niya. Hindi ko alam kung okay ba na nandito ako sa likod kasi nakikita ko lang iyong likuran nung mga sis ko... O kung nasa harap naman ako, iisipin ko na tinitignan nila ako.
Nung dumating iyong lecturer, I told myself to focus on the review. Every time my mind would drift elsewhere, mabilis kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na magfocus lang sa review. Ito na nga lang iyong medyo maayos na nangyayari sa buhay ko, guguluhin ko pa?
"Where do you wanna eat?" Lui asked nung lunch break.
"No, I'm fine," sabi ko sa kanya. "I'll just eat in my car."
"What?" sabi niya na naka-kunot ang noo. "Tara na—"
"Really, I'm fine," I said again. "Sama ka na sa mga kaibigan mo," I told him kasi nakikita ko pa naman iyong mga friends niya na naglalakad palabas ng review center.
Lui looked at me once again, but I just told him once more na sumama na sa mga friends niya. Mas gusto ko roon sa loob ng sasakyan ko kumain ng lunch. Gusto ko rin ng katahimikan para isipin kung paano ko kakausapin sila Alisha. I wanted to give them space, but I felt like the more that I let this be, mas lalala lang... Baka isipin nila na wala akong pakielam.
I felt like there's no winning here.
Lui left. Pumunta ako sa sasakyan ko. Meron naman akong protein bar doon. Saka hindi ako nagugutom. Hindi talaga ako nakaka-kain kapag ganito na stressed talaga ako. Tapos feel ko nagsabay-sabay pa. Wala talaga akong appetite.
I was deep in my thoughts nang bigla akong maka-rinig ng katok sa may bintana ng sasakyan ko. I saw Lui outside my car.
"What?" I asked when I rolled the windows down doon sa may passenger seat kasi nandon siya naka-tayo.
Instead of answering, Lui unlocked the door tapos ay pumasok siya sa loob. He handed me a sandwich from one of the coffeeshop na pinupuntahan namin dito. Inabutan niya rin ako ng iced coffee.
"Thanks," I said. "But you didn't have to."
I was in no mood to entertain him kaya naman tahimik lang kaming dalawa habang kumakain ng sandwich sa loob ng sasakyan ko. Nararamdaman ko pa rin siya na patingin-tingin lang sa akin. I ignored that.
"I can give you materials," bigla niyang sabi. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. "I mean, kung may problema ka sa sorority, I can give you materials from my frat."
"Hind ka ba papagalitan?" I asked kasi kahit sa amin may rule na bawal ipamigay outside sorority iyong materials.
He merely shrugged. "It's fine," sabi niya. "O kung may kailangan ka, just tell me and I'll ask my BAR buddy to do it for you."
Naka-tingin lang ako kay Lui.
"Nagguilty ka?" I asked him.
"Saan?" he asked like he had no idea kung ano iyong tinatanong ko.
I just looked at him. "Sa nangyari sa restaurant."
He didn't immediately answer. He was just holding his iced coffee at saka iyong sandwich niya na ubos niya na pala compared sa sandwich ko na nakaka-isang kagat pa lang ako.
"I don't know," he said. "I want to... but when I think about it, what exactly did I do wrong?" he continued and then turned his head so that he was looking at me. "Tell me," he said. "What did I do wrong?"
I was looking at his eyes, feeling more and more hypnotized as seconds passed by. Naka-tingin siya sa akin na para bang alam na alam niya iyong mga salita na gagamitin niya para makumbinsi ako.
An expert manipulator, this one...
At ako naman, willing victim.
Ang magiging motto ko na ba habang nasa buhay ko siya ay 'I'm just a girl?'
"I don't know," I told him instead. "I'd like to turn off my brain for a moment," I continued tapos ay sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa may headrest at saka pinikit iyong mga mata.
I didn't mean to sleep... gusto ko lang talagang ipahinga iyong mga mata ko dahil pagod na pagod na ako sa kaka-isip ng kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. But Lui woke me up just in time bago magsimula iyong afternoon class namin. Hindi ko naubos iyong food na binigay niya sa akin. Iniwan ko na lang sa sasakyan tapos ay dumiretso kami sa classroom.
"Don't mind them," I heard him saying nang makita niya ako na naka-tingin sa mga sis ko na magkakatabi sa harap.
"What?"
"We're doing nothing wrong," sabi niya sa 'kin.
Hindi na ako nagsalita. Mamaya kapag tinanong ko kung bakit wala kaming ginagawang masama ay bigla niya akong sabihan na wala namang masama na 'friends' kami.
Nagfocus na lang ako sa lecture. Nung uwian, dumiretso na ako sa sasakyan ko. I was in no mood to do anything. Masakit na rin iyong ulo ko dahil sa information dump na nangyari ngayon.
I was just on my couch, watching Netflix, but not really dahil hindi ko rin talaga naiintindihan kung ano na iyong nangyayari sa pinapanood ko.
'What are you up to?' biglang nagtext si Lui.
'Netflix.'
'You want some company?'
'Nope. Baka nasa study hub ka.'
'It's 11. I'm done studying.'
'Ah okay.'
'Is that a yes?'
'Sure.'
11PM na pala. Parang walang nangyari sa buong gabi ko. Pag-uwi ko kanina, nagpalit lang ako ng damit at nagtanggal ng makeup tapos ay nasa couch na ako. Ni hindi pa pala ako kumakain. I needed to eat. Sayang din 'yung food sa ref ko. Nakaka-guilty if masisira lang e bigay pa sa akin ng family ko 'yon.
Napilitan lang akong tumayo mula sa couch ko nung maka-rinig ako ng katok sa pintuan. Nasabi ko naman na kanina sa lobby na may expected guest ako ngayon. Tinatamad na ako. Bahala na sila sa iisipin nila kung bakit may lalaki.
"Hey," he said when I opened the door for him.
"Hi," I replied with a small smile.
I walked inside. Naka-sunod lang siya sa akin. I just let him be dahil hindi naman niya first time dito sa condo ko. Nakita ko na may dala siyang food kahit hindi ko naman siya inask na magdala. Bumalik lang ulit ako sa couch ko tapos ay binalot ko iyong sarili ko nung fleece na kumot ko.
Napa-tingin ako kay Lui nung ilagay niya sa may center table sa harap ko iyong takeaway box na may chicken wings. May pizza din. My comfort food, but I really didn't feel any comfort right now. Hindi ata ako matatahimik hanggang 'di ko nakakausap sila Alisha.
"Scoot over," Lui said dahil naka-higa ako sa couch.
"Don ka na lang sa dining," I told him kasi ayokong gumalaw... but he was being a pest dahil pinausod niya pa rin ako at naupo siya doon sa space na ginawa niya para sa sarili niya sa may bandang paanan ko.
Lui grabbed my legs tapos ay pinatong niya iyon sa may binti niya. I was wearing a pair of black silk pajamas na shorts and spaghetti strap na top. His hand was on my leg. He wasn't caressing my leg or anything. He was just holding me.
"Nagdinner ka na?" he asked.
"Nope."
"You said it yourself na bawal magkasakit kapag review period," he said.
"Ngayon lang naman. Saka tinatamad akong kumain."
"Gusto mo subuan kita?" he asked.
I looked at him and frowned. "Can you stop saying things like that? Dinadagdagan mo stress ko."
He chuckled, but then he caressed my leg. "Come on... You need to eat," sabi niya. "Kahit isang slice lang ng pizza."
"Wala nga ako sa mood."
"Still, eat."
"Ayoko."
"I'm a nurse and this is a medical advice."
I just gave him a deadpanned look. "Medical advice my ass. Baka expired na 'yang license mo."
"No, I renew it," sabi niya sa akin.
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Why not?" sagot niya sa akin. "I worked for it."
Lui reached for a slice of pizza tapos ay inabot niya sa akin iyon. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin dahil naka-higa ako tapos ay papa-kainin niya ako ng pizza, e 'di nabulunan ako? He laughed and then pulled me up hanggang sa mapa-upo ako. Inabot niya ulit iyong pizza sa akin. I just quietly ate it. Lui was just watching me.
"Just talk to your friends," sabi niya sa akin. "Tell them that I'm the devil and that I seduced you."
I hugged my knees. "Ako kaya 'yung sumunod sa 'yo."
"True," sabi niya na confident pa. I glared at him and he just laughed. "But they don't know that. Seriously, just talk shit about me in front of them. I don't really care."
"Are you being serious?"
Tumango siya. "Friends are important," sabi niya sa akin.
"Yeah, but it's kinda unfair."
"Life's not fair," he said as he gently tapped my head.
"You don't even know what I'm talking about."
He shrugged. "In general, everything is unfair," sagot niya sa akin. "Just talk to your friends. I'm sure everything will be fine once you all talk shit about me—solidarity and all that."
Parang tanga talaga 'to...
Lui made me eat two slices of pizza and two pieces of wings for protein daw. Around 1AM, tumayo siya at sinabi niya na uuwi na siya. But he was yawning and his eyes looked so tired. Hindi ko alam kung pagod ba siya dahil sa review o kung may iba siyang pinagkakaabalahan.
"Lui," I called nung tumayo siya at saka kinuha iyong gamit niya. Napa-tingin siya sa akin. "Do you wanna sleep here?" I asked him.
He was just looking at me like he was trying to figure out what step to take next. But I didn't want him to overthink this. I was just... lonely. Ni hindi pa naman ako naffriendship over, but the thought of possibly losing my friends was making me so lonely already.
"Okay," he said as he put down his things again.
We went to the bathroom to brush our teeth then proceeded to my room. I got under my duvet and watched as Lui stripped down to only his boxers. He got under the duvet with me, too.
We were lying side by side. I could see his face clearly. I wanted to trace the contour of his nose, but I stopped myself.
"This is making you anxious, right?" tanong niya sa akin.
I nodded even though he didn't specify his question. It didn't matter anyway. At this point, I was anxious about everything.
"Talk to them tomorrow," he said.
"Paano kapag hindi naging okay?"
Instead of answering, he just pulled me close... Was it his way of telling me that he'd be there for me? I didn't know for sure, but I let myself fall asleep with the comfort of knowing that he's there for me.
**
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