Chapter 09
I had to constantly remind myself to be cool around Lui. No snide remarks nor passive-aggressive comments. Because once again, I was reminded of how quickly he could just decide to leave me. Paulit-ulit na naririnig ko sa utak ko iyong sinabi niya sa akin na kung uncomfortable ako sa kanya, he could just leave...
And how easy it was for him to just tell me that he'd leave.
As if that wouldn't disrupt life as I knew it.
Ang unfair... pero ginusto ko naman 'to kaya wala akong choice kung hindi ang tahimik na magreklamo.
'Study out???'
'Can't sorry :((( huhu may mock bar kami'
'Oh okay. Good luck, babe!'
I smiled at Alisha's response. Buti na lang naiintindihan niya na as much as I wanted to study out with her, sobrang nalulunod na lang talaga ako sa sobrang daming kailangang gawin for review. Parang wala na akong time to relax. Ni hindi na nga ako makauwi sa house namin kasi kapag uuwi ako, I felt guilty like that's one less day to review.
Sana talaga pumasa ako. I couldn't and didn't want to go through this nightmare again!
Nung magdismiss na iyong review class namin, nakita ko na naunang lumabas na si Lui. Sumunod ako sa kanya, but nakita ko na nasa CR siya kaya naman naghintay ako na maka-labas siya. May mga nag-aya sa akin na magdinner, but I declined them all. Not that ayoko silang kasama magdinner, but kung hindi si Lui ang kasama ko, I'd seriously rather be in my condo. Ganon iyong level ng pagod ko.
"Ano'ng aaralin mo tonight?" I asked him nung makita ko na ulit siya.
"Tax?" he asked.
I groaned. "Shucks, oo nga pala. Ano'ng materials mo sa Tax?" I asked him tapos ay bigla siyang huminto sa may admin office. I looked at him to ask kung ano ang gagawin niya dito.
"May itatanong lang ako," he replied tapos ay pumasok doon tapos ay iniwan ako sa labas. I stood there, staring at the closing door.
I didn't want to overthink it. Pumasok lang naman siya sa loob. Wala naman sigurong meaning 'yon. But my annoying brain didn't want to stop overthinking! I felt like something has changed ever since nung pumunta siya sa condo ko. He said na uncomfortable daw ako sa kanya. I told him no... but it felt like he didn't believe what I said. Hindi rin siguro kasi ako believable dahil halata naman na something was bothering me.
Shucks.
Ito ba iyong sinasabi niya noon na nagdedetach siya?
Did he think na attached ako sa kanya? Bakit kasi nanumbat pa ako noon?!
Fuck.
What do I do?
I just stood there, in panic mode, thinking what to do to remedy this situation. Bakit ba kasi ginawa ko pang big deal iyong ginawa niya sa club? It wasn't as if I was expecting him to introduce me to his friends sa frat kasi ano'ng sasabihin niya? Na friends kami? Like who would we be kidding? That's like a code word for 'I'm fucking her but we're not together.' He probably did me a favor by not introducing me to his friends.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na naka-tayo doon nung bigla na lang akong mapa-tingin sa pintuan kasi bumukas ulit 'yon. Nandon ulit si Lui. Naka-tingin siya sa akin na naka-kunot ang noo.
"What?" I asked.
"Akala ko umuwi ka na."
Kumunot ang noo ko. Hindi ba kami sabay magdidinner?
Lui began to walk. I tried my best to walk beside him. He was walking but it was pretty obvious that he was thinking about something else. Ano kaya iyong iniisip niya? It wasn't as if I could ask him. Baka mas lalo niya akong bigyan ng detach mode kapag nag-ask ako sa kanya.
"San tayo?" he asked.
"Ha?"
"Dinner," he said. "Kaya mo ako hinintay, 'di ba?"
Inayos ko iyong tayo ko. I begged myself to act cool in front of him. "No, it's fine. Akala ko lang, but okay lang din naman na umuwi na ako," I told him as casually as I could muster.
Lui, being the master of casual, just gave me a shrug. "No, it's fine. San mo gusto magdinner?" he asked me.
Unlike before, we drove in separate cars. I told Lui to decide kung saan niya gustong kumain. Naka-sunod lang ako sa sasakyan niya. We ended up in some resto in BGC. Pagbaba ko sa sasakyan, nakita ko na hinintay niya ako dahil naka-tayo lang siya sa gilid ng sasakyan niya... but he was on his phone.
And he was constantly on his phone during the duration of the whole dinner that I felt bad kung magsasalita ako dahil kanina pa siya may ka-text.
But of course I couldn't say anything about it.
I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff at isang maling salita lang ang sabihin ko ay matutuluyan na ako.
When dinner ended, we were just waiting for the bill to arrive. I didn't even ask him kung gusto niya bang mag-aral kami ng sabay. This dinner was awkward enough na gusto ko na lang umuwi sa condo at saka matulog.
I was looking around, anxiously waiting sa pagdating nung waitress para makapagbayad na kami at makaalis na kami sa resto nung matigilan ako dahil bigla kong nakita si Alisha at iba pa naming mga sis.
I saw how her forehead creased in confusion nung makita niya ako na nasa labas kahit kakasabi ko lang sa kanya na hindi ako makalabas dahil sobrang busy ako sa pagrereview... hanggang mapunta iyong mga mata niya—mga mata nilang lahat—kay Lui na nasa harapan ko at busy pa rin sa pagtetext.
Oh, shit.
Gusto kong tumayo agad to explain to them kahit hindi ko alam kung saang part ako magsisimula... pero biglang dumating iyong waitress para ibigay iyong bill namin. They saw how Lui paid for the entire tab. They must think that I'm on a date!
And that I've been ditching them for Lui.
Oh, God.
I didn't want them to be mad at me. I love my sorority sisters kahit alam ko na sinasabihan kami ng iba na puro kaartehan lang kami. I'd been with them since the beginning. They're my sisters through and through!
This was just a freaking moment of insanity. I'd been hypnotized by a dick, but I felt like malapit na ako sa waking moment ko kahit merong relapses minsan.
I tried to stand up, but I saw that they continued walking papunta sa table nila. Natigilan ako. They're mad at me. I needed to explain. Pero paano ko sisimulan? Na fuck buddies kami ni Lui? Really, Tali? Sa tingin mo 'yan ang better explanation? Lui's literally banned sa events ng Q! Mukha bang mas tatanggapin nila 'yung explanation ko na 'yon?
"Are you okay?" narinig ko na sabi ni Lui sa akin.
I looked at him and nodded. "Yeah."
He didn't look like he believed what I said, but he didn't question it either. "Let's go," he said.
Umiling ako. "Mauna ka na," I told him. I wanted to stay. Gusto kong kausapin iyong mga sis ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako mageexplain, but I wanted to at least give it a try. Mas hindi ako matatahimik kakaisip kung ano ang iniisip nila if aalis lang ako dito without even bothering to try to explain
I drew deep breaths before I started to approach my sisters. Hindi ko na tinignan kung umalis ba si Lui or what. My priority was to talk to my sisters.
Papalapit pa lang ako ay nakita ko na na naka-tingin silang lahat sa akin... And I knew them enough to know that they'd been talking about me bago pa man ako pumunta dito.
"Hey..." I said with an uneasy smile.
They were just looking at me.
"Can I?" I asked, pertaining to the vacant seat. No one really responded. I looked at Alisha. Hindi ko mabasa kung ano iyong iniisip niya. Was she mad kasi hindi ko sinabi sa kanya iyong tungkol kay Lui? But I just didn't want to disturb her with my boy problems...
Kabadong-kabado ako habang naka-upo. I felt my entire body getting cold because all of their eyes were on me. I kept on taking deep breaths to calm myself down. Para akong bumalik sa law school. Ganito rin iyong pakiramdam ko nung pinaka-unang beses ako na natawag sa recit. It was Criminal Law. I was asked to define Criminal Law. Marunong naman akong mag-English, but at that point, nawala lahat ng laman ng vocabulary ko.
Parang ngayon... hindi ko alam kung ano ang salitang gagamitin ko.
"I wasn't on a date," I began. Hindi ko alam if tama ba 'yong sinabi ko, but I just couldn't deal with more silence.
Ruby raised her eyebrow. She didn't say a word, but raising her brow felt like bad news to me.
"We're just having dinner," I explained. "Both kami sa Legal Verge nagrereview kaya naging friends na rin kami," I continued and I was so freaking nervous that I probably over-explained myself sa kanila. Para akong nasa thesis defense and sila iyong panel.
"Really," Fria said. Oh, shucks. Best friend nga niya pala iyong isang sis namin na balita na nakipagsabunutan dahil kay Lui.
"Yes—"
"You're just friends? Nothing's happening?" she asked.
I could feel my heart beating loudly in my chest. Do I lie? Do I dig a deeper grave for myself? Or do I just tell them the truth? I mean, so what if I'm sleeping with Lui? I'm a grown-ass woman. Kahit nga puro katangahan lang ako, wala naman akong ibang sinisisi kundi ang sarili ko, e. Kasi desisyon ko naman lahat 'to.
Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita.
"Told you so," Ruby whispered kay Alisha. Napa-tingin ako kay Alisha. What? They're talking behind my back now?
"Whatever happened to sister code?" Fria asked me. "Alam mo naman na dinate ni Lui iyong iba sa mga sis natin," she said but I knew that she's just pertaining to her best friend na talagang dinamdam iyong kay Lui.
I wanted to bite my tongue. Lui told me that he just flirted with them sa text or Instagram. He didn't even sleep with any of them kasi mabilis na na-discover na pareho silang tintext ni Lui. But I knew that saying these things would just get me in further trouble.
"Whatever, Tali. Lui's your mistake to make," Fria said. I looked at Alisha but she just gave me a blank look...
Why did this hurt like a breakup?
* * *
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang tumayo at maglakad paalis sa table nila. I told myself not to say any more words dahil baka mas lalo lang lumala iyong sitwasyon. I just wanted to think na lahat lang kami ay stressed sa BAR exam. That's just it. Hindi naman siguro kami magffriendship over dahil lang dito... right? We've been friends for years.
I just kept on walking and walking. I just wanted to get inside my car and to just cry. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba ang iiyak ko—iyong review ba, iyong kay Lui, o iyong sa mga sis ko. Pakiramdam ko ay sabay-sabay sila. Isang tao lang naman ako. Para akong mababaliw kakaisip kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.
"What?" I asked when I saw that Lui was waiting for me. He was standing in front of me. "I'm not in the mood," I told him.
Nilahad niya iyong kamay niya. "Give me your keys. I'll drive you home."
I looked at him. He's like 2/3 of my problem...
"They're mad at me," sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. "Why did you have to flirt with all of my sisters?"
He shrugged. "I only flirted with five."
Napaawang iyong labi ko. "May isa pa?!"
Natawa siya. "You're the fifth one," sabi niya sa akin.
Great.
Pang-lima ako.
Hindi man lang ako umabot sa top 3.
"Come on, give me your keys," sabi niya sa akin. "I'll buy you ice cream."
"Ano 'yan, bribe? Guilty ka lang kasi."
"Not really," sabi niya sa akin. "Wala naman kayong sash kapag naglalakad. Malay ko ba na galing kayo sa iisang sorority," he continued habang sabay kaming naglalakad papunta sa sasakyan ko.
We got in my car. Sinandal ko lang iyong ulo ko sa gilid. Paano ko kaya ulit kakausapin sila? Lalo na si Alisha? Ayoko talaga na galit sila sa akin...
I was silent the whole drive. Nararamdaman ko na tumitingin si Lui sa akin, pero hindi ako tumitingin sa kanya.
"I'm sorry," bigla niyang sabi.
"For what?" I replied habang naka-sandal pa rin ako at naka-tingin lang sa labas.
"I didn't think I was that good-looking to destroy friend groups."
Tinignan ko siya nang masama. I saw him chuckling.
"No, but seriously, I'm sorry. If they're really mad at us hanging out, we can just stop."
I knew that he was serious with his offer, but I didn't immediately answer because I didn't want to stop hanging out with him.
"They'll be fine," I said... and that was when I realized that I had officially lost my goddamned mind.
**
This story is already at Chapter 15 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!