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Chapter 52
Wednesday November 23rd
Lennon's POV
I was positive that Theo referring to Hudson as his dad was what caused Harry to relapse. The timing makes sense, and Harry did sort of leave the house quicker the second time he watched the kids for me. If he was upset over Theo's comment, it checks out.
I understand more clearly why Harry thought he needed to have a drink, but I still felt like I was left in a very weird predicament. On one hand, I'm sympathizing more with Harry and I feel bad that our son's innocent sentence pushed him to ruin the progress that he had made.
On the other, I can't have Harry getting drunk to drown out every time Theo will say something like that. Because that might have been the first time it happened, but it certainly won't be the last.
This is one of many reasons I warned Harry about Theo and Hudson's relationship, because the two of them did form a close bond and I knew that could potentially be harmful to Harry. He told me he understood, but I guess hearing it aloud from him for the first time had a stronger effect on him than he was anticipating.
Which is why for the last few days I've still been in this weird headspace about the entire thing. As much as I now can feel for Harry and everything on that side, I still cannot have his alcohol use be present in our lives again. It was too hurtful the last time for me, and I don't want it to be the same for Theo and the twins since he was becoming a part of their life too.
One side of me wants to forgive but the other side can't let go.
Maybe I sound like the world's worst person right now, but it's a confusing and difficult situation for all of us.
Because I didn't want to make any decisions when I'm unsure, I still haven't reached out to Harry. I didn't want to text him back and give him false hope that I'm immediately putting this behind us. I don't know if the silent treatment is any better, but my brain is too tired to keep having to deal with things like this.
On top of all of my own confusion about it all, Theo has asked me two more times when he gets to see Harry again. It's starting to pull on my heartstrings and immediately give in to give the poor boy what he wants, but I just can't yet.
Today is 2 weeks since Harry arrived at the hospital, frantically getting rushed in on a stretcher with a whole team of medical professionals running over to give him the treatment that he needed. A sight that I'll never forget. How he was lying there unconscious as I thought he could die at any moment is up there in the list of things I've seen that are engrained in my brain forever.
The moment my eyes read the note that he left, Hudson's funeral when I saw him for the last time, arriving home to an empty house after I gave birth, and Harry unconscious on a hospital bed.
Some of the hardest moments of my life, and ones that I can't seem to forget.
I walked into the hospital today with what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders, something that Samantha seemed to notice because the moment I threw my stuff down, she was coming over with a curious look on her face and asking me "What's going on?"
Oh you know, just the return and relapse of my once deadbeat baby daddy, the death of my fiancé, keeping up with adult life like cleaning the house and grocery shopping, the disappointment of my parents, and the needs of 3 small children depending on me 24/7. Normal everyday things.
"Nothing" I answered.
"I don't believe you"
"Just...tired" I answered, which is the truth.
"You seem like you could really use a pedicure, or something. Or a massage, oh! Or a nice hot bath"
"Or a week long vacation from my life?" I supplied.
"That works too" She shrugged.
I nodded, and then we both headed out from the staff room to get started on our jobs. And all I could do was hope that today would be a good day.
Today was not a good day.
Not in the slightest.
Since the second I got to work, I've sat down for approximately 3 minutes. There's been non stop traumas and injuries, and sickness. The emergency room has been flooded with people the entire day, and it's probably one of the hardest and busiest days in a while. We're also understaffed with people taking vacation this week since the kids are off school which isn't helping at all.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I don't know what it is with people getting hurt more around the holidays, but I'm just glad that I'm not the one working tomorrow.
"What is taking so long? We've been sitting here for hours and we haven't even been seen yet!" I overheard a woman complaining to one of the receptionists at the front desk.
As much as I'm glad I'm not working tomorrow, I'm also glad that I'm not one of the people behind the desk getting the brunt of patients frustrations.
"Well ma'am you see, that room over there, currently has a man that almost bled out on the ambulance from a GSW and the rules of triage put his life threatening emergency over your son's broken ankle" Clearly, Martha has also had enough of the patient frustrations.
"My son is in pain!"
"Which is why I told you 3 hours ago to take him to the urgent care, which deals with injuries such as fractures until you get him to an orthopedic doctor"
The woman just groaned loudly and rushed off mumbling something underneath her breath. Oh well. I hope her son's ankle is okay.
The rest of the afternoon continued to be busy, I was lucky that I got a sip of water in the midst of it all. I was tightening the cap back on my water bottle when I heard the familiar sound of an ambulance come to a stop in front of the double doors.
I threw my water bottle down and rushed over along with the chief of trauma to the paramedics, who were wheeling in the patient on a stretcher. The first thing I noticed was the amount of blood that coated the poor boy's body.
"What do we have?" Dr. Rich asked the paramedics as we frantically rolled the bed to the last empty trauma room.
"19 year old male. Suicide attempt. Deep cuts all along the arms and stomach area. Roommate found him and a note unconscious in their dorm room. He was touch and go the entire ride over here. He's lost a lot of blood" The female paramedic rattled off and then the 4 of us transferred him from their stretcher to our hospital bed as more of my coworkers filled the room.
As I was hooking wires to our patient's body, my mind flashed with remembrance. I was face to face with Jacob, the college student who lost his entire family in a house fire just a few months ago. Someone I comforted for hours on a slow day about the loss of his little sister and parents. Someone who I related to in such a sad way with our grief. The person who inspired me to forgive Harry and let him in Theo's life because of how much he loved his dad.
I wanted to be overtaken by sadness, but I had to do my job and save his life.
The paramedics did a good job of getting him to stop bleeding, but we had to hook him up to an IV bag of blood to help replace all that he had lost. It was constant motion in that trauma room, Jacob's heart had stopped once again and we had to start CPR and shock him to get sinus rhythm again.
At last, after a hard 20 to 30 minutes, we were confident that Jacob was finally stable enough to be moved to his own hospital room. Samantha and I transferred him to a room, and he woke up as we were double checking that all of his wires and machines were hooked up properly.
His face was flooded with emotions when he woke up, and when he recognized that he was still here, he began to thrash around and shout out for his parents. It was heartbreaking to listen to as he screamed for them and begged us to answer the question to why it didn't work. He's just a kid going through one of the worst pains in the world all on his own, and all he wanted was just to end it.
This isn't something he should be having to go through, losing his family like that. Something nobody should have to go through. The way he lost 3 of the important people in his life in a matter of minutes isn't easy to deal with or process, and now he's a kid all on his own trying to live with the overwhelming grief and knowing nothing can change it.
For the last few months, he's had to deal with it, but it finally came to be too much to handle. He just wanted to see his family again, it was tragic.
"Jacob, Jacob look at me. Focus on me" I spoke, wishing for him to settle, although I know it's incredibly hard to. If any other employee was in here, they'd probably resort to restraint right now, but I thought that was cruel. The last thing somebody in Jacob's positon needed right now was to be chained to his bed, so I hoped I could talk him down in a timely manner.
"I know it hurts, I need you to look at me though"
"I need my parents!"
"I know" I grabbed ahold of his hands and gave a gentle squeeze so he knew I was there, but didn't keep my grip so he didn't feel constrained. "I know it's hard, I know what you're going through is extremely difficult, but I need you to look at me"
In the midst of his flailing, he locked eyes with me, and I thought I saw a hint of recognition.
"My parents! Paisley! I-I-" His body movements were slowing down, but he was very much still in his state of panic. His eyes were wide and he was looking around the room in a frenzy.
"Jacob, do you remember me? My names Lennon, does that ring a bell? We talked for a long time a little bit ago. Focus on me, don't look over there, or at her, just look at me for a moment, yeah?"
Jacob locked eyes with me for the first time, and he very much did remember me, because when the recognition hit him he practically crashed into my arms for the second time. I exhaled, letting myself give him the embrace that he desperately needed right now. His screams quickly turned to sobs as he wept into my shoulder, and I continued to hold onto him for as long as he needed.
Over his shoulder, I nodded as Samantha as a tell that I'm all good here and it might help if it's just the two of us. She understood and stepped out, but said she'd be nearby in case I needed her. I rubbed Jacob's back, holding him as tight as I would hold my own kids, and did my best to not let tears drop from my eyes. I needed to be strong for Jacob right now.
When Jacob was ready, he pulled back from the hug, and began to speak through his tears. "M-my family, I miss them so much. I couldn't take it anymore, I just needed to be with them again"
"I'm so sorry for what happened to your family" I spoke gently.
"I should've been there, I should be with them. I don't want to be alone anymore" He cried, looking down at the bandages wrapped on his arms.
"Grief is a very difficult thing. It's hard to know how to process things like this. The days are excruciating and the feeling of giving up is always in the back of your mind, but the people that we love always remain with us no matter what" I whispered, telling it to the both of us.
"Who?" Jacob asked me. I didn't want to bring up my own, I wouldn't want him to think I was trying to take over the conversation rather than relate to him, and our losses were very different, but he asked which meant he wanted to know.
"My fiancé, in February" I told him.
I think deep down he knew that on some level we related, which is why we spent hours together the day that his family passed. Something he must've felt, and despite being overly sad, I'm joyed to be somewhat of a safe space for him here. He calmed down when he recognized me.
"How do you do it?" His voice cracked.
I sighed because my answer is not going to be helpful in his situation. "I have 3 kids who needed me to keep going"
"Wow"
"I know. Our losses are different, but we both lost people in a cruel way. It's hard to accept that there was nothing we could have done to change it..."
"I just feel so helpless" Jacob agreed with me.
"I understand that, I feel the same way. The feeling doesn't go away, but each day you learn more and more how to live with it. You don't forget, you cope. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know that feeling is very familiar to you. It's hard to feel like there isn't something holding you down constantly"
"I keep trying to call my mom whenever I need help, and I listen to her voicemail over and over. My sister was only 14..."
"I'm sorry" I squeezed his hand comfortingly.
"I just want more time with them. I want to come home on the weekends, I have nowhere to go anymore" He sniffled. Oh how I wish I could give this poor boy the world.
I listened to him as he spoke. That's all he wanted.
"I miss my dad. It sounds corny but he was the best dad in the world, he was always there for me. How are they just gone?"
"It's difficult to understand why these things happen" I sympathized.
"He taught me so much, he was such a good person. I just want my time back with them. They didn't deserve this. I miss them"
"My dad, he taught me how to ride a bike, and how to like build furniture and shit, and how to take care of my sister. He's the reason I wanted to grow up and do something with my life, and now he's not even here to watch it?"
For a while longer I continued to sit with Jacob and listen to him rattle off all of his troubles and all of his fears of being alone, it was so hard to sit there and watch him be in so much pain, and I wished more than anything there was something I could do to help him.
Just like the first time, he cried about the loss of his entire family, but especially his father. The words were hitting me right in the chest, and my entire mindset about my own life was changing. Jacob made me want to change my mind, once again.
"They're going to keep you in the hospital for a few days for monitoring" I informed Jacob, wanting him to be aware, when he finally felt okay enough to be left alone.
"Are you working?" He asked me.
"Not until Monday. Hopefully you're out of here by then, but if not I'll be here bright and early to check in on you, okay?" I frowned, wishing there was more I could do.
"Oh"
"The other nurse that was in here before, her names Samantha. She's working over the weekend and we're friends. I'll tell her to stay close" I told him, and he nodded so I made a mental note to tell Samantha that on my way out.
The two of us said goodbyes to one another, and I headed to the breakroom to grab my things and luckily found Samantha sitting there doing the same. I sent a quick message to Lyanna asking if she could stay late tonight and that I would pay her double if she could, but if not it's not a big deal at all, and thankfully she agreed. Then I told Samantha about Jacob and she agreed, who then asked "Hey, do you have time to grab a drink or something? Today was a lot"
I lifted my bag up over my shoulder and took a deep breath. "I actually have somewhere that I need to be"
"Oh" Samantha quirked an eyebrow, suggesting something. "Maybe another time then?"
"Definitely, I'll let you know, I got to go" I bit my lip and rushed out of the hospital as fast I could.
Once sat in my car I sent a quick text and when they responded, I typed in the location to my phones GPS and got driving.
If there's one thing that I've learned in my life is that life is too short to stay angry.
Things happen in the blink of an eye. Car accidents, fires, sickness, they all can take the people that you love away from you without any remorse. When your world feels like it's all falling apart and there's no way to get out from the rubble that crashed down on you, the rest of the world goes on. The days keep on going, time doesn't stop just because you lost somebody.
Life is so unpredictable. One day you're playing board games with your family and the next you're planning a funeral.
We hold onto those happy moments and we think that we have an unlimited amount of time on this planet, but that's far from the truth. Our days are numbered, and we have to make them count.
It's human nature to get angry, upset, annoyed with people that we're around. We can't help it.
But life can change in an instant.
People leave and people die and we're angry. The last time you saw that person wasn't filled with I love you's or smiles. It'll always be remembered as fighting and hurt and betrayal.
Is that really how I want to remember someone?
Tomorrow is never promised. Which is why I need to fix things today.
Of course it was raining outside.
I pulled into the driveway and hopped out of the car, practically running to the front door like if I didn't get there immediately then I wouldn't get the chance at all, and to get out of the rain. I rang the doorbell and crossed my legs back and forth nervously as I waited for the door in front of me to swing open.
Thankfully, it opened, and Harry stood there. Black sweatpants clung to his waist, a graphic t shirt, messily styled hair, and a bandage on his head all greeted me.
And I stood there on his doorstep asking for him to come back.
Just how he stood at my front door a few months ago asking for the same.
"You're here-" He said, surprised, but I barely gave him a chance to say anything else before I rattled off what I needed to say.
"I forgive you. And I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for acting the way that I did towards you. You were clearly going through something and I wasn't helping. I thought that I was protecting Theo, but I shouldn't have made it my entire focus when you needed somebody. When you came back, I-I told you I would've helped you a few years ago had I had known, but then when you were right in front of me, I turned my back on you and that was wrong and I'm sorry. I promise I'll help you now, we'll get you back on track" I spoke so fast, and watched as he stared at me trying to listen to all I was saying.
"Le-"
"I'm just sorry, I am. You should be a part of Theo's life. He needs you here and I didn't realize that from the beginning, but I think it's good for him. He's been asking about you, he keeps wanting to know when you're coming over to play with him and I didn't realize that he would, but he has and he's clearly missing you-"
"Lenny"
"And you've been trying your best. I know that I act like I don't notice it, but I do. I just wanted to keep our guards up in fear of you leaving us again, but i-I know you won't do that. You've been putting in the effort that I've been wanting, and I can tell that you genuinely regret what happened, and I appreciate that. I do, I don't say it but I do"
"Lennon" Harry raised his voice slightly, so that I could hear him over the thunder, and he finally caught my attention to make me shut up and listen to him.
"What?"
"Is that your blood?" He looked very concerned, and I followed his eyes down to the trail of blood staining my scrubs. Wow, he probably thought this entire time that I've been like bleeding the whole time I've been standing there.
"It's not mine!" I shook my head and let out an exasperated laugh.
"Okay good, come inside would you?" He practically tugged my arm to get me out of the rain. I didn't realize how cold it was outside until I was in the warmth of Jeff's house.
"Did you hear anything that I said?!" I still yelled, accidently, forgetting that I'm now inside and don't have to compete with the rain. Harry flinched and pulled back from me but nodded.
"What made you change your mind? I thought you hated me" He asked, and led me to the kitchen to make cups of tea.
"I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want Theo to lose you"
"I didn't want to lose you guys again either" Harry whispered.
"Theo likes having you around, and I shouldn't take that away from him"
"He really asked for me?" Harry practically lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning.
"More than once" I told him. "He told me he thinks you're friends"
"Really?"
"Mhm" I nodded. "I think I'll be a little nervous, just because it was really hard back then and I wasn't expecting all this to happen, as I'm sure you didn't. But I'll help you, in any way that I can, I will help make this work for us. Because I know you really want this, and... Theo told me what happened while you two were playing cards" I said hesitantly. I didn't want to remind him of that moment, but I just wanted him to know that I was aware of the moment that probably led to all of this happening and why I understand more.
Harry sighed. "I-I don't know what happened. You told me about it for a reason, and then I...still blew everything up when he said it"
"It was hard for you to hear"
"It was but... I can't even be that mad at it. I'm the one who left and caused it, so it seems silly to be upset over something I could have prevented"
"We're going to do our best to not let it happen again. Because Theo does have that relationship and more times like that will happen, but, we'll figure it out, okay?"
Harry frowned, but nodded, not fully believing me, or believing in himself.
"Hey, you made it almost a year Harry" I placed a hand on his shoulder. "That's amazing, and you'll reach it again and go even further. Theo believes in you"
"I thought for sure you'd never let me see him again"
"Oh I was" I chuckled. "I was done, but Theo kinda gave you a lifeline"
"Thank you..."
"How's your injuries?"
"Getting better. Have to change them or whatever"
"Here, I'll do it" I offered, because I saw the one on his head looked a little wonky since the moment he opened the door. Harry tried to decline, but I finally got him to tell me where he had his replacement dressings and now he's shirtless so I can re-wrap his stomach. "Who did this? Because it's very sloppy"
"Myself"
"Yikes" I teased, and unwrapped the dirty bandages and threw them away. I took a look at the multiple cuts that were slashed on his stomach, and it looked painful, but they did seem to be healing correctly so far which is a good thing. I covered them up again, and then started to fix the one on his head.
"It wasn't just Theo calling him dad that got to me" Harry spoke up.
"Oh?" I looked at him. "What else? If you feel comfortable telling me"
"I think I let what your parents say get into my head... that mixed with Theo caused me to spiral that night. I guess I proved their point that I'm still the same drunken mess"
I frowned. I had a bad feeling that Harry wasn't telling the truth when he said their words didn't bother him, but now he confirmed it to be true.
"I'm done with my mom. She hasn't apologized. I'm iffy about my dad, but what you just said might have made up my mind"
"Wait Lennon no, don't decide that based off of me"
"He was disgusting towards you, and the person that you aren't anymore. If we're going to be a family again, we don't need negativity like that to ruin it" I told him.
"Just decide what's best for you, okay?" Harry whispered.
"I do"
"Shouldn't you be home already?" Harry looked at the time.
"Are you kicking me out?" I laughed.
"No! Never, but, the kids"
"They're with Lyanna, but yeah I should go so I can get Theo to bed" I agreed, and Harry stood up to put his shirt back on.
"Good idea"
Harry walked me to the door, and placed his hand on the doorknob.
"Come over tomorrow" I looked up at him.
"Tomorrow's Thanksgiving" Harry said, probably assuming I wouldn't want him at holidays for a while now.
I smiled at him. "Come over tomorrow"
Harry beamed. "Okay" and then he opened the door, and I stepped out onto the porch and into the rain.
"Bye H"
"Bye. Thank you"
"I know that you're trying, and I appreciate it" I complimented him. I need to be better at telling him things like this, maybe it'll help him feel more confident in his place in Theo's life. Although I'm still nowhere near ready for Theo to know the truth, I just want Harry to know that this is it. I'm all in.
"I'm flattered" Harry placed a hand over his heart with a chuckle.
"You're a dork" I rolled my eyes playfully. "You are a good man Harry"
I started to turn to head to my car, but after two steps I felt my arm being tugged backwards and him calling out my name. I was spun back around to face Harry, my body collapsing into his as our chests were now touching. His hand held onto mine, and his other arm grabbed at my side.
And the next thing I knew our lips were connecting to one another in the rain on a doorstep where our story began for the second time.
And for the first time in years, I felt butterflies.
WHOOOOOOOO
The first Hennon kiss throw a party !!
Twitter: Harrryshome
Xoxo,
Sierra