Ray : OR DO I HAVE TO PAY YOU, YOU WHORE!
- Ray knew he is going to regret what he did to Sand, but why? why Sand kept on trying to save him, why Sand still cares for him? why? he is so cruel, he is a burden, he is a jerk, he is an asshole, he doesn't deserve Sand. even if he wants to deserve Sand, he just couldn't, because he will always be too cruel for Sand. Sand is kind, caring, and has a lot love to give. but Ray? Ray is an asshole. and Ray knew that if he stays, he is too much for Sand. Ray knew that even if he tried to be a "better person", he still don't deserve Sand. Ray kept pushing away Sand, because he wants Sand to realize that Ray isn't worth it, that Ray will only kept pushing him away. Ray wants Sand to give up on him, just like how he gave up on himself. Ray don't want Sand to stay anymore, because it is hard for Ray to leave Sand.. forever. so if Sand finally realize that he is tired of Ray, Ray would leave. FOREVER. -
- Ray drove off out of frustration, his thoughts is killing him! is he gonna die here? is this the part where everyone will feel relieved to see Ray finally in the coffin? will Sand be glad? will Mew be glad? will Top be glad? will Chueam be glad? will Mr. Pakorn be glad? that he is dead? will they be glad that Ray Pakorn finally died, instead of staying and being a burden all the time? will they be glad that they don't have to take care of Ray spoiled ass all the time? will they be glad that they don't have to deal with Ray's temper? will they? Ray was so focused on his thoughts and he didn't even realized that he already arrived at his haunted mansion. he sighed, he ofcourse expected that he will die because he was out of focus. unfortunately, for him God loves evil people. -
- he went inside, looking at his mother's ghost. "mae, even if you are up there i can still feel your disappointment towards me, i am too mae. i told myself that i will be a doctor when i grew up, but fuck i am only good at killing myself slowly mae. i realized that if i can't even save myself, how will i save others? do you know that i wanted to hate you mae? i wanted to hate you for making me feel this, for making me feel like i am unlovable, for making me feel like i am a burden, for making me feel like i am useless because of what i felt those days that you were with me, i applied it to myself. making me unlovable, burden, useless.. mae, why can't they understand that i am still a human? that i can still feel sadness, loneliness, pain mae? why can't they understand that i am not just an ATM BANK but a human mae, why? is it so hard to understand me? why do you have to suffer for your whole ten years, just to have an usless son? maybe you named me Ray, because i am too much.. too much that even you couldn't handle me. i am sorry for ruining your life mae, i am sorry for being a disappointment. i tried so hard. i just couldn't love myself. i just couldn't change. i want to be with you, mae. please, get me out of this place, it's suffocating me." he is speaking random things, random things that he felt. he didn't even know that he was laying at the cold floor infront of his haunted mansion's door. he was just there. crying while hugging himself. "maybe i was born to be dead too, mae." -
- Ray didn't even notice that he falls asleep. when he woke up, he is still there at the cold floor. "guess no one really notice their Khun Ray lying looking like a piece of shit in the floor." he tried to stand up, but is too weak. he tried again and again, until he finally suceeded to stand up and walk towards his room. he goes and search for his safe zone. blade, whiskey, pills. whatever that will keep him asleep, for a long time. he removes his clothes, pant, and underwear. as he opened the faucet. he goes at the bathtub and lay. yes, the bathtub itself is hard as a rock. not like Ray cares. he just closed his eyes. and after some time he looked beside him. whiskey, blade, pills. what is he going to pick first? ofcourse his beloved whiskey. he drank the whole whiskey bottle with just one gulp, crazy right? that's his talent. burning his throat with some whiskey. after that he takes the blade. he washes his arms and saw the scars, old scars. you wonder? why the heck Sand or Mew or Boston or Chueam or Mr. Pakorn didn't noticed the scars? well Ray covered it with some waterproof foundation. he smiled looking at the scars. he wonders, what reaction will Sand gave him if Sand accidentally saw his scars? will Sand scold him until Ray kisses him just to shut him up? will Sand ask Ray to stop doing it for Sand? will Sand hug him and kiss him just to show that Sand cared for Ray? or will Sand stares at hin judgementally? will Sand judge him? he doubted. ofcourse not, Sand wouldn't do that. Sand is so understanding. Sand will understand Ray's situation. -
- Ray's hand was shaking. he couldn't believe that he will be doing it again. he thought he will not be doing it again, because again. he have Sand and that is enough for Ray. Ray's tears started to fall down again. why can't he just die already? why? why is he still here? Ray didn't even notice that he already had TEN CUTS ON HIS HANDS!! he felt his blood dripping. he started to wash it. he flinched when he puts his bleedy arm in the water. it hurts. it hurts but it calms Ray down. it makes Ray calm. -
ONE WEEK AFTER
- Ray is still messy as fuck. he is still lying in his bed. he didn't do anything for the past seven days but just to cry, cut himself, drink, sleep and again. he didn't eat, but he drank alcohol so he doesn't feel hungry at all. weak, yes. he feels like he couldn't bring himself up. but, he misses Sand. he wants to see Sand. even if Sand looks at him with disgust, he will still smile at Sand. Ray uses all his energy to stand up. he goes to shower. dress himself up. and went down. his phone is dead because he didn't have the energy to charge his phone and besides he doesn't want to communicate with anyone else but Sand. he goes to his car and started driving. his house is far from Y.O.L.O for like thirty minutes. he arrived. his breath is getting slower than usual. his scared. scared but happy to see Sand after the mess he made. -
- he goes inside, he search for only one person. Sand. he walks at the right side where he knew Sand wouldn't saw him. he just wants to see Sand but he didn't want Sand to see him. he started ordering whiskey, vodka and whatever he sees. someone started speaking.. that voice. that voice is from Sand. Ray looked at the stage to see Sand smiling at everyone. oh Ray wish that Sand will only smile at him that way. Sand started singing. Ray didn't even notice his tears.. falling. he missed Sand. he missed Sand's voice. he missed Sand's hugs. he missed Sand's kisses. he missed Sand's smile. he missed everything about Sand. he wanted to run at the stage, he wanted to say to Sand that he loves him and that he wanted Sand to be his boyfriend. he wanted to apologize for being a jerk to Sand. but he knows he can't. Ray was happy seeing Sand. but it is too much for Ray. it is too much too bear for Ray. so he walked out. he looked one last time at Sand singing. he smiled weakly. "I am happy for you Sand, and I am sorry. Please, forgive me." he completely walked out of the bar. feeling suffocated inside. the longer he stares at Sand, the longer he wanted to drag Sand into his arms. Ray went beside his car. crying again. but this time not only because of the pain he is feeling. it's the relief. relief that Sand can still smile. relief that Sand can still perform infront. relief that Sand is happy. -
- Ray was startled when someone suddenly talked infront of him. at first he thought it was Sand. but when he saw another boy who he didn't know. he frowned. -
??? : why are you crying pretty boy? don't have someone to fuck with?
- Ray ignored him. Ray is not sober but he is not too drunk either. he still knows what is happening around him. -
??? : why don't you look at me with those pretty eyes, pretty boy?
- the mysterious boy grabbed Ray's chin but Ray was startled so he pushed that boy's hand. -
??? : pretty tough huh? you won't last long.
- Ray was confused what that boy meant, in this time he just wants to be left alone. he just ignored that boy again. but he flinched when he suddenly felt his arms being dragged in the alley. in the alley where Sand and Ray used to smoke ciggarettes. Ray was struggling to fight for himself but who will have an energy when you didn't even eat anything in the whole week? just drink and drink. -
Ray : what the hell! let me go!
- Ray whined. his voice was weak but he still put some efforts to speak and shout a little. -
??? : what if i don't want to let you go, pretty boy? you are so pretty in those clothes, i bet you look prettier without clothes.
- as he said that he started unbuttoning Ray's blue polo, Ray tried to push him but his too weak to even lift his arms. great. he is going to be rape by someone right now. the boy started to kiss him from his neck unto his chest. Ray could only sob as he felt the boy's disgusting lips in his neck and chest. the boy started to open Ray's pants. but Ray uses all his energy to push that boy. making the boy groaned in pain. -
??? : WHAT THE FUCK! DO NOT DARE TO FUCKING RUN, PRETTY BOY. I AM STILL NOT DONE WITH YOU!
- Ray tried to run as fast as he can. but the boy still catch him. the boy dragged him again the alley. he slapped Ray. Ray falls at the floor. the slap was hard making Ray's lips bleed. -
??? : don't make it hard for me, pretty boy. i wasn't planning to hurt you, but you are fucking searching for it.
- after the boy saw Ray on the ground. he forces to open Ray's pants. he removes Ray pants. Ray was whimpering. he is disgusted. disgusted at what the boy is doing. and disgusted by his self too. -
- the boy put his dck on Ray's hole. and he started thrusting hard and fast. Ray kept yelling because of the pain he is feeling. -
Ray : please.. stop.. p-please...
- he begged and begged but the boy kept on moving fast whenever Ray beg. -
??? : you look so pretty when you beg, pretty boy.
- he smiles evily. he stopped when he heard someone open the door behind him. he got up and runs leaving Ray. traumatized. hurt. naked. Ray immediately put on his pants and hugs his knees. crying messily. his sobs is so loud. he prays that whoever that someone who goes outside will saw him. and help him. -
SAND'S POV
- it still hurts.. the way Ray pushed me away. it still hurts how he cursed at me. but even though it hurts i can't help myself from worrying. is Ray doing okay? is Ray still alive? why didn't Ray went here for a whole week now? Sand is scared but he is still angry. at Ray. after everything Sand went through because of Ray. Sand should have give up from Ray. but Sand looks like a fool everyday thinking of Ray. worrying. -
- confirmed it is already a whole week since Sand saw Ray, Sand missed him so much. Sand wants to see Ray but still don't want to forgive him. afterall, Ray didn't deserve Sand's forgiveness after what he did to Sand. -
- Sand was back to reality when his bandmate, Jake. called him saying that they need to perform now. Sand nodded. and went in the stage smiling. even if he is smiling, his eyes is still wandering around. no signs of Ray. or so he thought. -
- Sand started singing, a few minutes later. his eyes focused on the door as he saw a boy. who looks familliar. Ray? is Ray really here but why Ray goes outside in the middle of the song? is it really Ray? or he just hallucinate. -
- After another two songs. he went outside. he just thought that Ray was there. to see him. but Sand is being delusional again. -
- Sand was just smoking. when he suddenly heard sobs. sobs? who will cry at the fucking alley? why would someone cry here? maybe their partner left them hard. Sand laughed at his thoughts and slowly went in the dark alley. he saw a boy wrapping his legs while still sobbing. he seems familliar. who the heck is he. -
Sand : hey.. i know you don't know me, but are you okay? do you need help with something?
- the boy looked at Sand. and the moment their eyes met. Sand felt hared, anger but relief to see Ray. but.. Ray doesn't look good. Ray looks pale. Ray's eyes is so red. Ray's hair is so messy. his lips. his beautiful lips is bleeding. Sand had to act tough. Sand had to act that he still didn't forgive Ray. but seeing Ray like this made Sand heart clenched. what the fuck happend to him? -
Ray : S-san..
- Ray didn't even finish the word "Sand" because of his energy. he doesn't have any energy now. he only wanted to cry and cry. -
Sand : what the hell are you doing here Ray? and you look.. so messy.
Ray : B-boy.. R-rape..
Sand : what rape? and what boy? can you stop crying and just tell me!
- Sand was frustrated. not just frustrated but worried. he can't help but to yell at Ray. Ray flinched hard. he started shaking and he started crying again. oh my gosh. i didn't mean to make you cry Ray.. -
Sand : Ray.. h-hey.. calm down.. i'm here.. shh..
- he started caressing Ray's hair. he didn't mean to make Ray cry. but he didn't know. he didn't know that Ray will be scared. he is getting anxious. please Ray.. tell me what happend.. please.. i'm begging you i can't see you like this. -
Ray : Sand..
Sand : Yes, Ray?
Ray : S-someone.. someone.. r-raped.. me.. S-sand.. i'm s-scared.. p-please.. d-don't.. l-leave.. m-me.. p-please..
- Sand was shocked.. someone raped Ray?! what the fuck? Sand felt his eyes getting teary. he was not expecting it. he knows Ray can take care of his self but why? why did Ray let him? Sand was so focused that he didn't noticed Ray passed out in his arms. -
Sand : Ray? Ray? hey?
- Sand looked at Ray and Ray was passed out already. Sand panicked and goes to Ray's car. he started driving into the nearest hospital. maybe Ray needs doctor right now? he didn't know why he decided to go into the hospital but after he arrived he tell them what happend. -
Sand : he passed out.. i was scared.. so i goes here.. i hope you can examine if.. he's okay..
AFTER SOME TIME
- Sand fell asleep without him noticing because he was exhausted. someone woke him up and he saw the doctor he was talking earlier. -
Sand : How is he doctor?
Doctor : i can see that he is too weak right now, he needs rest, he needs to eat too. i can sense that he didn't eat that much this past few days i am unsure if he is eating at all. and i saw that he had been on too much stressed. he cried too much. he drink too much. if he continues to drink, he needs to go onto surgery. because his lungs isn't participating well. his body is becoming weak. so if you want your friend to survive, tell him to stop drinking and start eating more. his pale face will not change until he started eating normally. his lips was bruised but don't worry he is okay now. just take care of your friend okay? if he will not take care of his body, anytime soon he can die.
Sand : i understand doctor, can i visit him?
- altough Sand was a little shaken at what the doctor told him. he still choose to see Ray. he knew Ray needs him. and he needs Ray too. -
Doctor : ofcourse, but please Sir. take care of him.
Sand : ofcourse I will.
- Sand entered Ray's room and he saw Ray. he saw Ray crying again. oh how Sand break everytime he saw Ray cries. -
Sand : Ray..
Ray : why are you still here, Sand?
Sand : because i wanted to, Ray.
Ray : aren't you tired?
Sand : tired of what Ray?
Ray : of me.
Sand : why would i?
Ray : shouldn't you hate me? i hurted you.. a million times already, Sand.
Sand : but i am willing to forgive you a million times too, Ray.
Ray : i don't deserve your forgiveness, Sand.
Sand : and who are you to decide that?
Ray : Sand.. you are hurting yourself. i am-
Sand : whatever you are, Ray. i love you. and i will always do.
Ray : Sand.. please baby. don't make it hard for me to leave you.
Sand : why do you always leave me Ray?!
Ray : because i am not worth it staying, Sand. if you don't want to leave, then i will make you.
Sand : don't you love me Ray?
Ray : i love you so much.. Sand. so much that i am so scared to lose you. Sand i am making you lose yourself. i hurted you many times. i thought being a jerk to you will make you leave me but you didn't.
Sand : because i don't want to Ray.