•:I've Got My Eye On You:•
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Trigger warning: This chapter contains self harm.
I stare blankly for what feels like the last hour, at the bloody lines on my arm. Now beginning to stop running and dry.
Stinging and burning. I was on a streak..I really was. It had been a whole month since I last did it and even then it was just a few cuts on my upper arm.
This time it took over completely like it normally does. Now here I sit, staring at them, lining my arm, red and deep. I went as long as I could but what Rafe did last night was my breaking point. It's like a rubber band, you can only stretch it so far until it finally snaps and I snapped. It isn't just Rafe although that's been taking a bigger toll on me then I've let myself believe. The humiliation has faded, I've become used to it since it's practically a routine now but the anger hasn't become so familiar yet. Especially with how he finds more ways to make is worse and worse with every time. I wonder if he knew how I feel, how much pain I'm in on top of what he's doing. I wonder, just for a second if he'd stop but I know he wouldn't and it doesn't even matter.
It's a lot harder to hide them in the summer but I'll manage, I've become a pro.
I hold a cold rag on them until the bleeding stops before putting some 'Neosporin' over them. I could care less for the antibacterial part, I'd just helps them not sting so much. After that I wrapped some medical wrap around them. Just in case my sleeve happens to get pulled up.
"This one" Haley says as she comes running over to me and hands me giant book. I flip it over seeing it's Pride and Prejudice "You don't even know what this is.." I tell her, handing her back the book that weighs almost as much as she does. "And you can't read that"
"Why? I'm expanding my vocabulary" she tells me.
"Put it back" I shake my head at her, earning a dramatic eye roll before she reluctantly goes to put it away.
I look over my shoulder seeing Aria in the romance section making me roll my eyes this time. Romance, love..might as well just be part of the fictional section.
Haley demanded we go to the library after breakfast which was just a bowl of cereal for them. I decided not to eat and save what we have left.
I had nothing else to do and neither did Aria so we made the long walk to figure eight. Well Aria and I walked while pulling Haley in her wagon.
I shove my phone back down in my pocket, getting too warm in here. Less of the temperature and more so of feeling like there's too many people around.
"I'll be outside" I tell Aria, earning a dismissive head nod.
The light breeze blows my hair around, instantly calming me as I step outside.
I want so badly to pull my sleeves up and let the sun hit my skin. It's summer and normally I'd have a tank top on and I could but Aria would know as soon as she saw the wrap. She'd know what was underneath.
I walk a little down from the entrance, pulling my phone out and seeing if the boys have texted but see nothing.
Something moves out of the corner of my eye and I look up, feeling irritation immediately set in. Why..why is he everywhere? He was here the last time we came. His blue eyes watch me as him and Liam come walking over to me.
Maybe he's a bookworm..although I highly doubt it.
"Are you stalking me?" He asks as he comes to stand in front of me. "I was going to ask you the same thing" I tell him, shoving my phone back into my pocket now wishing I'd stayed inside. Liam looks between us before giving me an awkward smile, raising his hand and half ass waving. "Hi..I still don't know what..this is" he tells me, using his hand to motion in between Rafe and I. He doesn't seem to be as much as an asshole as Rafe. "Hi" I say flatly, my eyes going back to Rafe who ignores Liam's comment. "Well..I'm going to go return this, you two have fun glaring at each other" he smacks Rafe's shoulder before moving past me, carrying a book.
"I didn't picture you as the book type, I can't even imagine what you'd read. How to snort coke for beginners?" I almost laugh at my own joke but he doesn't find me as funny. His blue eyes look so much more vibrant in the sun. I kick myself for finding them as beautiful as I do. I've always wanted blue eyes, I was always told to feel lucky that I had green since it was the most uncommon. But they aren't vibrant green. I always just found them kind of bleh. But Haley has the same colored eyes and I think hers are beautiful. Maybe it's just myself I can't find anything in.
My eyes sweep him up in down, wearing jeans and a dark navy blue tee shirt, bunched up around his biceps. "You think I'm a beginner?" He asks, smirking and I roll my eyes. "No you'd have more brain cells if you were" I mutter.
"Do you think you're funny?"
"Yes" I tell him and his eyes narrow on me, watching me with the same predatory look he always has with me. "Why are you always here?" He asks, almost surprising me at his oddly normal question.
"My sisters" I tell him flatly. "You should know them, you threatened them remember?" I say, crossing my arms over my chest watching him almost smirk.
"I threatened you"
"With them"
They were always the only reason I agreed to his deal. I knew he'd come after me, hurt me, I still think he will I just don't know when. But if they were never brought into it I wouldn't have let him win. Even if he did something to me, I'd be scared but it scares me even more how little I care about myself and what he'd do to me. I wouldn't really care if something happened to me. I just never doubted he'd actually go after them if I refused.
"Lily! Oh Aria I found her!" I hear Haley shout as if she has radar, before she comes running over to me, hugging my leg, her eye's immediately going to Rafe and she looks him up and down with her eyes narrowed before stepping away from me and towards him. He furrows his brows, looking down at her as she inspects him. "Who are you?" She asks but he doesn't answer, just watches her as she steps closer. His eyes come to mine for a brief second before moving back to her. Probably taking in the resemblance between us. Some unreadable look covering his face. I wish he wasn't so hard to read all the time.
I can't help but laugh when she winds her leg back and kicks him in the shin. "What the fuck!" He shouts stepping away from her. "Do not potty mouth! I asked you a question" she crosses her arms over her chest glaring up at him. He looks over to me and I shrug, smirking. Highly amused that Rafe Cameron just got kicked by a five year old. Aria comes to stand next to me; giving me a look like she's just seen a ghost when she sees him. He shakes his head. For a brief second I feel fear rush through me, like he might do something to her but that fades with the way he looks at her like he's amused. Seeming to be thrown off of his regular assholeness by Haley. "I've got my eye on you!" She glared at him, scrunching up her nose and pointing her fingers from her eyes at him.
He says nothing before walking passed us. That was..odd.
"What was that?" She asks me as I worry my lip between my teeth, stealing a look at her. That was a mistake..I can see the realization the second it hits her, coving her face. Her eyes slightly widen and her lips part, quickly being replaced with irritation before she shakes her head. "You have got to be kidding me" she says.
"Rafe Cameron are you kidding me?!" Aria shouts as she follows me into my room, ignoring how I tried to slam the door behind me. The walk home was filled with thick tension, I could tell it was killing her not to blow up at me and she only didn't because of Haley.
"Don't start" I reach up and run my temples. "Don't start? I don't even know where to. Is that where you've been sneaking off to every night? Oh my god Lily, are you fucking him?" She shouts and I storm over to the door and close it. "Say that a little louder, maybe Haley will hear you this time" I snap at her. "You're fucking him"
"Yes! Yes I am okay? Are you happy now?"
"What is wrong with you?" She asks, her face covered in disgust and I feel my stomach turn. I was dreading this. I think more so then telling John B and Pope. But at the same time it's been killing me not to. I want to tell her, talk to her about it. Have someone to talk to about it and I've always told her everything. But I knew she'd freak out. She's only concerned and confused. She knows who Rafe is and what he's like and I'm sure her minds already spinning about how this is drug related.
"I didn't have a choice, I owe him" I explain, trying to keep it as vague as possible. "For what?" She asks as my breath catches in my throat as I shut my eyes.
"For what Lily?" She asks, her tone stronger now as she steps closer to me, her eyes burning holes through me. "Lily-"
"Drugs! Aria, I owed him for drugs" I admit throwing my arms up in the air. Watching her face swirl with anger. "You promised-" "I know.." I sigh falling onto my butt onto my bed and dropping my face into my hands.
"I know.. I did it to help with bills but I..relapsed and ended up using more than I sold, I owe him several hundred dollars so as a alternative I'm sleeping with him" I explain watching her face change from one emotion to another. I throw my hand up at her cutting her off before she can speak. "Before you try and talk me out of it or something don't bother, I got myself into this so I'll do what I have to, to get out of it. It's fine, he's fine, I'm fine I just need you to keep quiet about it. Don't tell anyone and certainly don't tell mom" I ramble off looking up at her. Her chest rises up and down heavily and she chews on her lip before her expression finally softens and she presses her mouth into a flat line. "Are you still using then?" She asks, coming to sit by me and I nod. "I am but I'm working on it, I promise" I lie. It'll be the only lie I tell her and it's not really a lie if I plan to try and work on it..right?
"Okay" she sighs after a moment. "I won't say anything but Lily" she turns to face me, taking my hands into hers, her blue, filled with a deep concern. "Promise you'll tell me if it's gets too bad, Rafe or the drugs or anything, you have to tell me before you can't get yourself out of it" she says and I nod. Dropping my forehead against hers. "Promise"
••••••••••••••
"You okay Lily?" Sarah asks and I nod, being pulled from my thoughts. "Yeah..yeah just a lot on my mind" I tell her and she scrunches her nose up in disgust. "I love you but please don't share the details on that" she tells me and I laugh a little. "Don't worry I won't give you the scoop on what it's like to fuck your brother" I mess with her making her stop in her tracks and glare at me and I giggle. "Would you like me to barf my lunch up all over you?" She asks. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding trust me I don't want to talk about it either" I tell her as we continue to walk.
"We have to go shopping for midsummers soon" she tells me and I roll my eyes. "Oh no you're not going to try and talk me into that again this year"
"Why not? Kie's going"
"Kie's a kook, so are you" I remind her. "I don't belong at something like that, anyone there who knows me will give me shit" I add and she shrugs. "I won't force you but at least think about it" she tells me and I hesitate but nod. I'll 'think' about it but I already know I won't be going. I don't have the money to even buy a new tee shirt right now let alone a dress. We continue to walk, going through some of the beach shops as I tell her about Aria finding out and that conversation and running into Rafe at the library. She found it as amusing as I did that Haley kicked him.
"Lily" my mother calls and I roll out of bed heading out into the kitchen. "There's my ray of sunshine" she tells me as I move around the counter to where she's opening up some containers of appears to be Chinese food. Dressed in her blue nurse scrubs, her dark brown hair pulled into a ponytail. The same way she wears it to work every day. "Where did you get this?" I ask wondering where she possibly got money for it? "Leftovers from a work party, hardly a party just one of the nurses birthdays. No one else wanted it so they let me take it home" she tells me turning to face me and her eyes grow round with concern. "You look so tired sweetheart" she reaches up and rubs her thumb over my cheek. Withdrawals..stupid fucking withdrawals setting in again. "Just haven't been sleeping well" I lie.
One thing I know for certain is that I lucked out in the mother department. I always feel so bad for JJ, whose dad is abusive and neglectful. My mother would throw herself in front of a bus for us. She cares about us more than anything and she works her ass off trying to keep a roof over our heads.
"Well eat up and then go to bed, at least try and get a good nights sleep" she tells me and I nod.
I think tonight was the most of an appetite I've had in a while. Probably because there was actually enough food to go around for all of us and my will to eat wasn't weighed down by guilt about eating too much.
I climb into bed, feeling nauseous and like my existence is on fire. I got some alcohol from Reggie but I think that would just make me vomit right now. I need something else, just something. Maybe I'll have to at least try and get Barry to come around and give me something. Maybe if he sees how bad I am he'll give in.
I certainly don't want to have to go to Kade, but it may be my only option.
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