Chapter 03
"Where are you going?" I heard Lui asking nung tumayo ako mula sa kama niya. I looked around and quickly found my underwear. I picked them up at saka sinuot ko na iyong panty and bra ko.
"Home, duh," I replied, then nakita ko na iyong pants ko saka iyong shirt ko. Una kong kinuha iyong pants ko. Gusto ko sanang mahiya dahil ramdam ko na pinapanood ako ni Lui habang sinusuot ko iyong pantalon ko, but then again, what for? This guy had literally bent my legs in ways that I didn't know I could do! Seriously, hindi ko alam na capable pala ako sa ganoong klase ng flexibility.
Nang nasuot ko na rin iyong shirt ko, lumingon ako para humarap kay Lui. He was still in bed, his lower body was covered with his duvet. His hair was messy dahil panay ang sabunot ko roon. I also left a mark on his left chest. Wala lang. I just couldn't resist him like I literally needed to leave a mark to remind him that I was here.
Then he tried to stand, but I quickly stopped him.
"I'll lock the door on my way out," I said and then gave him a small nod bago ako tumalikod at kinuha iyong bag ko na nandon sa couch niya. I walked away hanggang sa maka-labas na ako sa condo niya. You'd think that I was on fire with the way I was moving para maka-labas sa condo niya.
I just... didn't want to overstay my welcome once again.
I didn't even know what I was doing. He told me himself that he didn't want to message me because he didn't want to lead me on. To him, I was just but another body to warm his bed.
The smart thing to do was to stop... but god, the way he touched me made me want to abandon all logic...
Kaya naman aalis na lang ako agad. I didn't want to stay. I didn't want to cuddle. I didn't want to do small talks.
I just... I just needed him to fuck me. Hindi naman siguro totoo iyong sinabi ni Alisha na nasa vagina ko iyong puso ko. As long as I keep it simple and casual kay Lui, everything's gonna be fine... I think?
Saka ang bobo ko naman kung magkaka-feelings ako sa tao na obviously ay wala namang pakielam sa akin. Clearly, katawan ko lang ang habol ni Lui. But on the other hand, I could respect the fact that he straight up told me that he didn't want to lead me on... because he knew that he could have had...
The way he made me writhe beneath him? Oh, he knew of the hold he has on me.
Bahala na nga. Basta aalis na lang agad ako. Walang overnight na magaganap kahit 1AM na at antok na antok na ako.
* * *
The whole Sunday morning to mid-afternoon, nasa condo lang ako. I was just sleeping. I woke up for a while to eat and then bumalik agad ako sa pagtulog. Buong stay ko kasi kay Lui ay hindi ako kumain. Uminom lang ako ng tubig para hindi ako ma-dehydrate. Ewan ko ba. Ayoko lang kasi isipin niya na naman na gusto ko siyang maging tatay ng mga anak ko kaya I tried to act as casual as possible. Hindi ko nga sure kung kasama ba doon ang maghunger strike around him.
Nung kinagabihan, tinatamad akong magluto. I initially thought about just ordering in, but decided na lumabas naman para makapaglakad-lakad ako.
I was just walking around and deciding on what to eat as I walked. Naka-ilang restaurants at cafe na akong nahintuan, pero wala akong gustong kainan. I just wanted to have a good meal tonight kasi bukas, start na naman ng review.
But seriously... this would be my life for the next five months? Mababaliw ata ako.
I stopped in front of a café. Binabasa ko lang iyong menu nila nung mapa-tingin ako sa loob at nakita ko na nandon din si Lui at naka-tingin din siya sa akin. He cocked his head to the side and slightly arched his brow like he was teasing me. Was he thinking na sinundan ko siya dito? Ang kapal, ha!
And then my phone rang.
Ruiz calling...
The first time, I saved his number under his name naman talaga... Kaso kinakabahan ako kasi lagi kong katabi iyong mga sis ko. It was one thing na alam ni Alisha iyong kagagahan ko, iba kapag ibang sis na namin iyong nakaalam. Ayoko lang ng issue—not right now. Stressed na ako sa BAR, ayokong ma-stress sa ibang bagay pa.
I saved it as GLOBE REWARDS kaso bigla kong naisip na what if tumawag siya? I mean, not that tatawagan niya ako, but still! Mahirap na. So, I thought about a name na hindi naman suspicious kapag tinawagan ako...
And his full name's Luisito Ruiz Valladares, so I saved him as Ruiz. Wala naman sigurong nakakaalam sa second name niya.
"Were you following me?" sabi niya nung sagutin ko iyong tawag.
"Why would I? I already got what I wanted from you today," sagot ko. From where I was standing, I could see the amusement from his face. "You're studying?" I asked when I saw that there were books on his table at saka may hawak siya na highlighter.
"Yes."
"Nerd."
I heard the crisp laugh from his end. "Just no room for failure here."
I just shrugged. I didn't really know much about him... Alam ko lang na siya si Lui na graduate ng kapitbahay namin na law school. I mean, he's from SCA, so he must be smart. Hindi naman siya makaka-graduate don kung hindi.
Huh...
Smart, hot, and fantastic in bed?
No, Italia! Don't even go there! Fun lang, remember? Walang feelings na ganyan. Basta after sex, alis ka agad.
"Why? Bawal ba bumagsak sa frat niyo?" I asked.
He just laughed, but didn't really answer my question. "You? Not studying tonight?"
"Nope," I replied. "May class naman bukas."
"You're here for just dinner?"
"Yes."
"No other plans tonight?"
"Nope," I replied once again. Gustung-gusto ko pa talaga siya kausapin. Gusto ko pumasok din sa loob tapos dito na lang ako magdinner. Gusto ko kahit panoorin ko na lang siya habang nag-aaral kasi hindi ko nagagawa sa review center iyon dahil nasa likuran ko siya.
But I always had to remind myself of my own boundaries.
"Have fun," I said instead and gave him a small wave bago ko tinapos iyong tawag at saka naghanap ng ibang pwede kong kainan—iyong malayo kay Lui.
* * *
I ended up just going home at saka umorder na lang ako ng comfort food ko—pizza and chicken wings. I was super comfy on my couch with my blanket. Nanonood lang ako ng documentary. I was so invested in the documentary that I didn't really notice na may nagtext pala kanina. It was only when I did my bathroom break nung na-check ko iyong phone ko.
'Still up?'
'Yup why?'
'What are you doing?'
I sent him a photo na pinost ko kanina sa Instagram Stories—iyong pizza, wings, beer, and Netflix.
'Can I join?'
Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Did he seriously want to go here sa place ko? But we're strictly just for fun, right? Kasi stressful iyong sa review namin? Kaya bakit niya gustong pumunta dito?
I stared at his message for a while, debating on what I should do. I really wanted to say yes. Of course, I wanted to say yes. But I'd seen how quickly he could just ghost me kapag naramdaman niya na possible na may feelings ako sa kanya. And I wasn't saying na may feelings na ako sa kanya... but I just didn't want to lose access to him—at least not yet.
'Sorry I'm about to sleep na.'
And then I just set my alarm for tomorrow at saka tinabi ko na iyong cellphone ko.
Yup.
Good choice, Italia.
* * *
The next few days, hindi nagtext si Lui. Hindi rin naman kami talaga nag-uusap sa review center. Ayoko mag-overthink pero nainis ba siya nung hindi ko siya ininvite sa condo ko? Kasi naman! Kapag nag-enjoy ako kasama siya, feeling niya gusto ko na anakan niya ako. Kapag naman nagpapaka-chill ako, feeling niya ba pa-hard to get ako? Ang hirap niya naman intindihin!
Thursday night, while lying on my bed and overthinking, I decided to just ask message him.
'Hi.'
Naka-tingin lang ako sa phone ko. Based on my observation, laging hawak ni Lui iyong phone niya. Dapat makikita niya 'to—
Fuck. Nag-read iyong text ko.
'Hi,' he replied.
'Busy?'
'Studying. You?'
'Nope not studying,' I replied. 'Do you have study break?'
Nag-read na naman iyong message ko. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Hindi ba niya ako rereplyan? Maseseenzone ba ako after ko obviously mag-ask na maghookup kami?! Wala na ba talaga akong pride sa harapan niya?!
'Yeah in an hour.'
'Can I come over?'
I was down on my freaking knees for him.
What the heck was I doing?
'Okay.'
He didn't seem too excited to see me, but I didn't want to overthink again. Baka busy lang talaga siya sa pag-aaral. Parang lagi lang siyang nag-aaral. Medyo na-feel bad ako kasi parang ang chill ko compared sa mga kasama ko, but whatever. Rest is important, too.
Alam ko naman na huhubarin ko lang din kung anuman iyong suot ko, but I still wanted to look cute in front of him. Gusto ko talagang magdress kaya lang baka isipin niya nag-e-effort ako. I ended up just wearing a white joggers and black tank top. I tied my hair loosely tapos nagsuot din ako ng non-prescription black rimmed glass. I felt cute naman.
"Hi," I said when he opened the door for me. I was smiling tapos ay may hawak ako na pizza, box of wings, and 6-pack beer.
Lui was just looking at me with his forehead creased. Did he think it was too much? Kasi naman hindi na siya nagparamdam after ko sabihin na hindi siya pwedeng pumunta! Saka hindi niya rin ako kinakausap sa review class. Nakaka-stress kaya.
"I didn't ask you to bring anything but... thanks," sabi niya tapos ay tinulungan niya ako na hawakan iyong mga food.
I got inside his condo. True to what he said, he was reviewing nga talaga. Nasa dining table iyong mga gamit niya. I wanted to ask kung bakit hindi siya sa study table niya sa kwarto nag-aaral, but I felt like that would be too intrusive.
"If you're still studying, I'll be super quiet here," sabi ko tapos ay naupo ako sa couch niya.
Lui was just looking at me. He was probably wondering kung bakit ako nandito. Ako rin naman. Mas makakapagrelax ako sa sarili kong condo kaya bakit ako nandito?
But I didn't want to let my mind wonder again, so I just busied myself with my phone. I was just on Instagram browsing. I just felt a little jelly nung nakita ko na naka-bakasyon iyong ibang friends ko habang ako ay mamamatay na ata sa anxiety sa exam na 'to. I really just wanted to pass. Hindi ko na ata kayang ulitin ulit 'to.
I was checking my friend's post nung nabigla ako dahil nasa tabi ko na bigla si Lui. He didn't even give me the chance to ask him kung tapos na ba siya sa ginagawa niya dahil bigla niyang hinawakan iyong chin ko, made me face him, and then he was kissing me.
Oh, god, I missed this.
With Lui kissing me, I instinctively opened my mouth to welcome his tongue in. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his right hand pulled my ponytail kaya naman napa-angat iyong ulo ko. My breathing deepened when I felt his touch on the skin of my neck. And then I felt his other hand roaming around my body, touching and leaving everything it touched on fire.
I would literally drive here every day for this...
His hand finally found its destination. I bit my lower lip in anticipation of his touch, but then he pulled my hair back.
Oh, god... Would I be weird if I ask him to pull my hair back some more? And I wanted him to put his hand on my neck? Would he think I'm weird?
I couldn't say the freaking words... so, I just reached for his hand that was in between my legs and put it on my neck. I opened my eyes and looked at him. I saw how his lips parted and his eyes darkened because of what I did.
I... honestly didn't even know what I was doing. With him, it felt like my body had its own mind and it knew what it wanted.
"Is this what you want?" he asked and then pulled my hair some more.
I nodded. "Harder," I pleaded.
He stared at me and a grin appeared on his face. His hold on my neck tightened a bit. "Who would've thought..." he said as he began to slightly choke me. "Little Miss Italia likes it rough."
Lui stood up and dragged me with him. We went inside his room and once again, stood in front of his mirror. His room was dark save for the light that was coming from his living room. He was standing behind me, but I could see his every movement.
"Open your mouth," he whispered behind me. I did as he told. "Good girl," he continued as he put his two fingers in my mouth. His left hand was just on my hair, pulling... I didn't know that pulling my hair could make me feel this way.
But then he removed his hand from my mouth and began touching me.
"Open your eyes and watch," he told me. I did as he told. I watched as he reached for my hand and made me touch myself. He guided my fingers as if he was touching me. "This is how you'll touch yourself when I'm not around," he said as he made me rub myself and made me deepen my breathing. "Think of it as me touching you," he continued as he rubbed faster and made me grasp for air.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kakapatid. I reached for his shoulder and held on tightly and then tighter when I felt him guiding my fingers inside me.
"Look at what a good girl you are, Italia," he said and when I opened my eyes, I saw myself just... so undone by him.
"I can't fuck you for hours now. I really have to study," he whispered as he made me put both palms against the mirror, readjusted my stance, and pull down my pants.
I watched in awe as he wrapped himself up. But he didn't even give me any time to appreciate the view when he simultaneously began to fuck me from behind while pulling my hair and was choking me.
Oh, god, screw being sensible... I'd be stupid around him for free.
**
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