Alison's POV
The sun streaming through the window wakes me from my shallow sleep. It barely counted as sleep anyway. All I've been doing for the past eight hours is toss and turn.
Amelia had to go home last night, something about her parents wanting her home. Luca, however, is out cold on my bedroom floor. I try not to make any noise as I creep past him to use the bathroom.
I hadn't known that texting Luca to bring me Amelia was also an invitation for him to hang out but apparently it was. It's very possible that my mates are the ones responsible but, seeing as I enjoy Luca's company, I didn't put much thought into that theory.
It was nice to spend some time with them. They understood everything I was saying about my relationship with the twins and agreed with me. I've never had any friends before but, I think I like it.
If everything works out, Cameron is still going to have be okay with me stealing his friend. Luca blends in better with Amelia and I anyway. For a man, he can really gossip.
He told us all about his encounter with the twins before he went in search of Amelia. Apparently, in Luca's words, they were 'utterly clueless.' I'm not surprised. He said he talked some sense into them but I'm doubtful.
The bathroom floor tile is like ice to the bottom of my bare feet. I jump back quickly, having forgotten that it's the middle of fall now. My house doesn't have any type of air conditioning unit or furnace. I would've remembered socks if I hadn't gotten used to living in the lavish pack house.
Swearing internally, I turn around and tip toe back into my room. I dig around in my bag for my fuzzy socks to no avail. I sigh impatiently and dump my bag out on my bed. They're just not here.
Crap, I must've taken them out at some point. The boys bought me new ones but my own were more familiar. I pick up one of my regular pairs with holes in them, wrestling them onto my feet as I walk back to the bathroom.
A few minutes later, I'm in the kitchen. My stomach growls lowly and Nessa sighs as we watch the noodles spin around in the microwave.
'I'm the one who lived like this alone for years while you slept. Stop complaining.' I tell her, snapping a little.
She bristles at my tone, 'Yeah, all I did was sleep. Not like you were sucking my energy from me or anything.' She rolls her eyes before blocking me out.
Footsteps sound from my room, prompting me to turn my head to look behind me. Luca walks into the room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he yawns.
"It's eight o'clock in the morning. Why on earth are you awake?" he asks, slumping onto one of the chairs at the table.
I confirm the time on my phone before responding, "It's not that early. The sun is up." I tell him, only judging him slightly. Truth is, if I was able to actually sleep restfully then I would still be out cold.
He looks up at me like I'm on fire, "It's a Saturday, nobody is awake at 8 A.M. on a Saturday. What are you even doing?"
My body moves to the side, giving him a clear view of the microwave. "I guess I was hungry."
His face scrunches up as he looks through the plastic door. "You're not gonna eat that." he says.
"Why not?" I ask, "It's not like you're gonna stop me."
There's a knock at the door as soon as I finish my sentence. My head turns to look at the door, desperately hoping that it's Amelia on the other side.
"That's why," Luca says pointedly, standing from his chair to answer the door.
Part of me still hopes for Amelia to be here instead of the twins but, it's a very small part that I'm sure is wrong. Nessa perking up in my mind has made that clear.
The microwave beeping pulls me from my thoughts. I try to ignore the front door opening as I press the big button, popping the door open.
My heart pounds in my chest as three sets of footprints enter the kitchen behind me, but I focus on stirring the seasoning into my noodles. It isn't until someone clears their throat that I turn to look at them.
Damn, I am not the only one who had trouble sleeping last night. The twins both have bags under their eyes and Cameron is definitely paler than usual. It's hard for me to decide whether or not this makes me happy. On one hand, I want them to be as miserable as I am. On the other, they're my mates.
"Well," Luca says awkwardly, rocking back on his heels, "I'll leave you guys to it." He turns and walks out the door.
Traitor.
My arms cross over my chest defensively. I lean back against the counter, refusing to speak first. When the boys are silent, the feeling of their guilt radiating through me, I get tired of waiting and move to the table with my cup of noodles.
Chris acts first, crossing the room and sitting across from me. His brother follows suit, also remaining silent.
"Why are you here?" I ask, irritated that I had to break the silence.
Cameron folds his hands in front of him on the table, "To apologize. Bring you home." His thumb rubs over his knuckles nervously as he tries to get his point across.
I roll my eyes, looking down to my lap. "I am home."
"We know," Chris cuts in, "but we were hoping that you'd consider moving into the pack house. You can even have your own room, if you want." he offers, his eyes desperate, almost pleading with my own.
My teeth dig into my lower lip habitually as I think through his words. "Why even ask? It's not like you won't talk me into it if I disagree, or take it upon yourselves to move in here if I refuse." It's a fair question. They've never asked anything of me without having a back up plan to get their way.
"Because we realized that it should be up to you." Cameron speaks this time. My eyes snap to him, "I'm sorry, baby, I never should have yelled at you. You were right to be upset with us. We hid our motives from you and went behind your back. We thought we were helping you but we obviously weren't."
Well, I have to admit, this is not what I was expecting. I pretty much thought they were going to walk in here and tell me that it's time to stop throwing a fit and come back to the pack house. I can't believe that they're seemingly leaving this up to me.
I'm still suspicious. "What are you gonna do if I say no?" They look to each other. "No." I say, pulling their attention back to me. "Don't look at each other. You guys are not a team, not when it comes to me. Not anymore. I want individual, unfiltered answers because you are individual people."
Chris' nose twitches as he fights the urge to look at his brother for what to do next. "I-I don't know about Cam but, I didn't sleep last night. With our bond strained, I can't eat or sleep. But if you decide not to come back to the pack house then, I would respect that. I would leave here and wait for whatever you to decide that you want to do moving forward. Even though it would really suck, I would do it for you." His voice is fragile, tired and wavering as he speaks.
My eyes close when the familiar sting takes over. I don't know if it's the exhaustion or the combined affect of me and Nessa's hormones and emotion but, I've spent a majority of the last 24 hours crying. It'd be fair to say that I'm very sick of it. If I have to wipe anymore tears off of my raw cheeks then I might just give up and let the tears take over.
A few moments later, the sting fades as I gain control and my eyes reopen. I look to Cameron expectantly, awaiting his answer. It's harder to look at him than it is his brother, for once. He actually yelled at me yesterday. At least I would have expected it from Chris. The surprise of it being Cameron somehow makes it hurt worse.
"I'm sorry," he says again, "you trusted me and I betrayed that. I didn't take care of you the way I was supposed to. I wouldn't blame you for saying no and kicking us out. If that's what you want, if that's how I take care of you, your way, then okay. We'll do whatever you want." He looks down as he finishes speaking, as if he can't bare to look at me another second, just incase I'm going to make them leave here without me.
The child in me is practically screaming to push them out and slam the door in their faces. I want nothing more than to not need them. I've always been independent, always wanted to leave and never look back. I can't do that and be Luna here, though. And there is a part of me that was starting to be excited to be Luna.
There are so many things I could change about this pack for the better if I were Luna. I could actually make a dent in all of the broken systems that I've personally been a victim of. The mental list of laws I would enact or change is seemingly endless. I only spent a few hours thinking about it the other day but I already know of at least twenty ways I could help to improve the pack.
If I leave, all of my ideas, my life time of experience, would be gone. I'd have to break the bond, which could turn the twins cold over time. Could I leave an entire pack of wolves in the hands of two alphas whose spirit I had just broken? I think the guilt would eat me alive.
Then there's the fact that I was starting to like the twins. Nessa being back in my mind had brought me so much closer to them. I was even starting to think about asking Chris to sleep in Cameron's room with us. Now, I'd want my own room if I went back, at least for a night or two. That's if I can even manage sleep without one of them next to me.
When did life get so confusing?
My head pounds as I try to think through all of my two options, desperately searching for a third one to appear in which I can stay frozen in this moment forever.
In the end, I release a deep breath before looking back up. "I...am okay with coming back to the pack house, in my own room." I answer, watching closely for their reaction.
My nerves are on edge as they register my answer. It takes barely a second for bright smiles to take over their faces. I guess being in the same house as me really is enough for them after yesterday's awakening.
"Really? You're sure?" Cameron asks.
A thump sounds as Chris kicks him under the table. "Thank you, sweetheart." he says, ignoring his brother's grimacing glare. It takes everything in me not to laugh at their dynamic. Instead, I also ignore Cameron's pain and move on.
"You don't need to thank me." I say, "I should've tried harder to communicate with you guys. It's just...been so difficult to adjust to everything changing." The truth feels good leaving my mouth.
I'd been trying to pretend that it was easy for me to up end my life. I mean, it shouldn't be difficult to just sit back and let people care about you. It would have felt silly to complain about moving into a nicer house or getting a brand new wardrobe for free.
But I missed my old clothes and house. I missed the way my life was before. Everything was so much simpler. I never had to think about anyone but myself. Every decision was made on my own. All I had to worry about was my own feelings and well being.
Now, every decision I make impacts the twins too. And I'm affected by their decisions.
"We should have been making decisions as a team." I continue. "It's not supposed to be different teams working together on different decisions. Instead of it being me and Cameron against Chris, or you two against me, it should be the three of us against everyone and everything else."
I look to Chris as he speaks, "It's my fault that our relationship started off that way. Things would be different if I wasn't such an ass." He looks down as he finishes his sentence, shame intertwining with the guilt seeping through the bond.
My head shakes. I reach out for his hand, my mind lagging for a moment as sparks run up my arm. We haven't touched since before we knew we were mates. "That's not true. No one knows how things would be different if any one of a million aspects of our lives changed. What's important is that from now on, we decide things together."
Cameron nods, "She's right. You can't blame yourself. And we do need to think as team." He looks over to me, "How about we start with a discussion about what to eat for breakfast?" His eyes zero in on my crappy idea of breakfast.
I chuckle breathily and pick up the cup, "Okay, I can compromise on this before we even talk about it." I turn and drop the cardboard cup in the trash can behind me.
Damn, Luca was right. I kinda hate it when he's right, only because it happens so often.
Chris smiles at me proudly. "There's probably still some breakfast left at the pack house." He suggests.
His brother disagrees, "Nah, if there is, it'll be cold by now. What about the diner?" He asks, looking between us. Chris nods but I don't have any idea what he's talking about.
I didn't exactly spend my time exploring around the pack. Neither did my parents but, as I've recently found out, that was for a whole different reason. I went from school to work to home and never thought of doing any different.
"Never been but it sounds good." I say, standing up crossing the room to my bedroom door. "I'll get dressed and we can go."
The diner is actually Lottie's Diner, a small building a couple of blocks off main street. It looks straight out of the 90's. I expect it to be dingy when we walk in but am pleasantly surprised when I'm greeted by a clean, comfortable environment.
The classic diner theme continues inside with shiny red booths and black and white checkered tile floor. It's hard to tell whether it was actually opened in the 90's and was beautifully maintained or if it was just modeled to look like it.
"Hello, Alphas!" We're greeted the moment we walk in by an older lady behind the counter. "And this must be our new Luna." She says, excited as she makes her way over to us.
I smile kindly, appreciating the warmth that seems to radiate off this women. She could be the most approachable member of the pack. "Hi, I'm Alison." I introduce myself.
"It's a pleasure to meet you dear. I'm Ms. Lottie and that's my mate Sam." She tells me, pointing to a man in a chef coat who waves from the order window. "Go ahead and sit wherever you'd like. I'll be right over."
We settle into a comfortable booth near the back of the diner. The other patrons of the diner had also noticed our arrival as soon as we stepped inside. There's some kind of change in the air when an alpha or two walks into the room. It used to send fear shooting up my spine.
I gulp before speaking, "So, I know you guys aren't crazy about me going back to school on Monday. We should talk about it."
Chris almost turns to look at his brother, I can tell by the twitch in his face as he realizes and stops himself. "I wish you were comfortable with staying home until everything is sorted out but, if it's really what you want, I can't think of a reason why not."
"I can." Cameron interjects. "What if you accidentally use your magic again? People could get hurt." he says, somewhat hesitantly. "I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose but right now it is very possible that it could happen on accident."
My head dips shamefully. He... is not wrong. Unfortunately. I hadn't realized it, but I could really hurt someone. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt some innocent pack member.
But at the same time, I might go insane without a reason to leave the pack house at least five days a week. I have to go somewhere and do something or I might go stir crazy, which may trigger my magic anyway. If I have to do something then it might as well be school.
I take a deep breath before looking back up, "I'm gonna tell you guys something and I need you not to freak out. Okay?" I ask, looking at them. This time, they both look at each other before turning back to me and nodding skeptically.
"Before we knew that we're mates, there were three words that got me through everyday. Nothing else mattered. Not that I was exhausted or starving. Not that Nessa was gone. My entire life was about three things. It's how I survived. When my work boots had blood in them from working in the gardens all day or..." I glance at Chris, "I was having a bad day, I would just think; Work. School. Leave. It repeated over and over again in my mind."
Chris is looking straight down at his lap when I finish talking. "You wanted to leave the pack, because of me." he says. The self loathing he's feeling is clear on his face and through the bond. The feeling squeezes at my own heart as Nessa whines.
I wish I could say something to make him feel better but all I can say is- "Yeah." My eyes are downcast, avoiding the hurt in his.
It's uncommon for a wolf to voluntarily leave a pack. Members transfer to other packs sometimes to be with their mates. Otherwise, it's rare for someone to leave without being kicked out. Only someone crazy would choose to go rogue.
Maybe his harassment had been making me crazy. I also thought about it yesterday though. It could be my witch half but, being without the 'community support' of a pack doesn't seem all that daunting to me like it does to other wolves.
My eyes shift over to Cameron, who looks incredibly hurt. I gulp, gathering the courage to try to explain further. "Everything I did was about setting myself up to be successful in the human world. I needed a high school diploma and money saved up. With everything changing I just... I need to hold onto some part of the old me. I'm not earning anything for myself anymore. It's all being handed to me. I need to work for something."
Cameron looks into my eyes, obvious discontent in his own. "What's wrong with everything being handed to you? After everything that you have been through, why can't it be a good thing that you're getting what you deserve?"
"Because I don't feel like I deserve it. I didn't work for my new place in the pack or my new living arrangement. I didn't do anything but happen to be mated to the alphas. I don't-" I stutter, catching myself before deciding to say it anyway. "I don't deserve you guys or anything that comes with being mated to you."
Chris sits forward immediately. "Alison," he says. My eyes flick from Cameron to him. "You have worked harder than anyone that I have ever met. Please believe me when I say that you have suffered enough to deserve a lot better than us."
His brother nods next to him but, I can still see it in his eyes. He's not going to bend my way when he thinks that he's right.
"What if you change your mind again?" he asks, shocking me with the pure fear in his voice. "What if you get your diploma and decide you don't need to be here anymore?"
I shake my head. "That's not going to happen."
"How do you know?" Chris asks, breaking his remorse fueled silence. "How can you know that once you have your diploma in hand, you won't realize that this place has caused you more hurt than happy?"
I swallow hard and look between the two of them. It's moments like these that I wish there was only one of them. "I guess it's up to you guys to show me happy, then."
Neither of them look enthused. "Look," I continue, "I can't see the future but what I do know is that if I'm kept from at least trying to finish school then, I'm not gonna be happy. Not with myself, for failing to do something I've always wanted, and not with you guys if you keep me from succeeding."
Cameron shifts in his seat and, knowing him, he's got his mind going a million miles a second trying to think up a solution where everyone is happy. Chris, on the other hand, seems to only be thinking about me. "Okay," he says, making his brother look at him with wide eyes.
"Okay?" I repeat in confusion. Not to be a pessimist but, I thought this was going to be a lot more difficult.
He nods, "Okay, we'll go back to school starting on Monday. If anything happens that puts anyone in danger then we're done though." His tone is confident as he speaks to the table, looking between us.
My eyebrows scrunch up at his compromise. That's what it is, a compromise. I have a chance for us to do it my way but if something happens and proves Cameron right then it's back to their way. I wish I could say that it didn't sound fair.
"Okay." I say again, this time in agreement.
Cameron raises his hand slightly. "Wait, why should we wait for something dangerous to happen when we could get out in front of it? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like school is a very good idea right now."
Chris and I look at each other as he finishes his sentence. It's ironic, our current situation, but it shouldn't be. Cameron has always been the one to think more methodically and cautiously. He likes to be sure of his decisions, it's even better if he can back them up.
A weird silence settles over the table, only being broken once Ms. Lottie walks up tp us. "Sorry for the wait, you three. Here you are, I'll be back in a jiffy to take your orders but do you know what you want to drink?" she asks after putting menus down in front of us.
We order drinks quickly, the silence resuming the moment she walks away from the table. None of us are sure how to proceed. So, I take a deep breath and just do my best.
"Cameron," I say, gaining me his attention, "we said that we'd make decisions together, which is why I have to say this; the general consensus at the moment is that we go back to school. We all talked about it and you disagree. I understand why but, life can't be all about taking the safer route. At some point you have to do what's best for you and those around you. So, we're going back to school. You are welcome to stay home if that's what you'd prefer but I'm going because it's two against one and this team is a democracy."
With that, I pick up my menu and busy myself with reading over the selection. My statement is followed by several moments of more silence before I hear them both pick up their menus. The conversation ends there, at least for now.
We eat a large breakfast, one of the biggest I've ever had which is saying something when you consider the size of my breakfasts lately. Turns out Ms. Lottie really likes to feed people, especially people who are underweight.
After a stopover at my house to collect my things, we make our way to the pack house. A nervous feeling takes root in my stomach as we head up the walk to the big oak front doors. It grows up into my throat when we cross the threshold into the house.
I hope this is the last time I ever have to move into this house. But more than that, I hope that eventually it's possible for me to walk in without feeling any sort of way. Walking into a house that I live in should be a trivial, everyday occurrence. If I'm supposed to live here for the rest of my life, it doesn't seem like too much to ask.
We hike it up the stairs to the fourth floor. There are empty rooms all over the pack house but I know my pick will have to come from the fourth floor options. There are a dozen or so empty rooms on the fourth floor but I also know that there is an empty room on either side of the twins two rooms, which are next to each other. They would probably feel better if I picked one of those.
But which one?
Whoever I choose to be next to me will be able to keep an extra close eye on me through the wall. Considering the fact that Cameron has been extra sensitive with me lately, I walk into the room next to Chris'.
It's not that I don't appreciate his caution. He just can't seem to worry about me without controlling me. At least Chris can see things my way, even if it's only because he's trying to get on my good side. Hell, at this rate he'll be there by the end of the week.
They both follow me into the room silently. I know that Chris is smirking and Cameron is frowning without even looking. Cameron doesn't express his disappointment as I start putting my things up. He must know that he's on thin ice at the moment.
Why can't we all be on good terms at once for more than an hour?
The room I picked, my room now, is painted a pretty light blue from the last resident. There's a full bathroom attached that's bigger than either of the ensuites in the twins rooms. My eyes widen when I walk in and see both a shower and a jacuzzi tub.
I didn't have a tub in my house. Six years of showers. Goddess, there were times when a hot bath would have come in handy after work. I'm still standing in the middle of the bathroom, soaps in hand, staring at the tub when Chris pokes his head in to check on me.
"We can get someone to bring up anything you might need if you wanna use it." he says, startling me.
I jump and turn to face the shower, quickly stepping in and putting my shower stuff away. "Uh, maybe." My voice sounds awkward as I realize he caught me being dumbstruck over a bathtub. I'm so ridiculous.
Everything in me wants to pretend like I'm a normal wolf. But I'm not. Other wolves find their mates and there's instant attraction. Most are fully mated within a month at most. And here I am, doing anything I can to keep my mates from thinking about me without clothes.
Nothing sexual has been mentioned since that one time with Cameron, and I try not to think about it, but still, I know that they do think about it. Like I said, most do. I feel sick to my stomach when I wonder if they're excited to eventually mate with me. I just know that whatever they have built up in their minds, I won't live up to.
The names and faces of all their past girlfriends flood my mind everytime I entertain the thought. They were all so...perfect. Tall blondes with hourglass figures and full breasts. Not to mention the beautiful skin, clothes, and makeup.
I've put on a few pounds in the last couple of weeks but not enough for my ribs not to poke out or for my chest to fill out a shirt. Jeans hang off me and my skin is either colloused, scarred, or acne prone.
The burn scar on my back from when I was twelve is still pink and bumpy. It stretches across my upper back. I try not to look at it myself, let alone let anyone else see it. Dr. Braylie was the first person in six years to see my exposed back. Thank goddess she made the twins leave the room.
At least I'm blonde.
Okay, so, not that anyone noticed but, I didn't post a chapter last week for a myriad of reasons. The biggest one being that I was simply defeated.
Even as I'm typing this, I think that I'm silly for thinking someone is going to read it. I'm pretty sure that the only reads this book has is from me going back and double checking details in past chapters. I wanted to just quit.
But then Gabbie Hanna came back to social media and she's always been an inspiration to me (I know, a lot of people hate her and I think those people are misinformed.) I figure if she can come back after all the shit she went through then I can ignore the fact that no one is paying attention to me.
So I decided that I'm going to do this because I want to. It brings me joy. I need to know how all of the stories in my head are going to end. It's my art and the point of art is to reach people who have similar souls. I'll wait and see if their are any souls like mine out there but, it's okay if there aren't.
I went back and forth between removing the maturity rating on this story because I'm unsure if it hides it from the younger people my story is partly aimed towards. But I didn't want to be in a position to 'rob' anyone, including myself, in the future. I also didn't want to have to make a seperate story to post the mature chapters on.
Then I started making some changes to chapter one to test if my hook chapter was just bad. I guess we'll see if the changes are helpful. Anyway, if you are here, thank you and I literally love you lol.
- xoxo Caitrin