I look back over my shoulder when I feel movement behind me and feel my heart skip a beat when I see the vision still snuggled up in my bed. Her feet are tangled in the sheets next to my hip. She's lying on her side with her hands tucked underneath her cheek. "Mhm." I run my hands up and down her calve until she snorts on another snore before cuddling deeper into my pillow. A lock of her liquid chocolate hair falls over her eyes, which clearly irritates her seeing how her nose scrunches up into the most innocent and adorable face I've ever had the pleasure to observe.
I twist myself around on the side of the bed to get a better vantage point to admire the beauty squashing my poor pillow. Carina's eyes are moving behind her lids while she dreams away, and I can't help the smile from forming on my face at the knowledge that at least one of us have been able to sleep peacefully. I only managed a few hours of happy dreams and calmness before my nerve endings were set alight by my wife's wandering hands in her dead sleep. Her fingers barely grazed the sensitive bundle of pleasure over my sleep shorts, and it jolted me awake like I've been electrocuted.
A cold shower meant nothing and unlike the master-of-masturbation-techniques I married, my aching center had refused to accept my own wandering hands as a worthy opponent after our increasingly hot and sweaty make-out sessions. I love Carina more than clipboards and fire, but my fuse was this close to getting burnt out. There is only so much a warm-blooded woman can take without having an orgasm. I know my growing frustration from being completely celibate played such a large part in the blame for the fight we had.
When I woke up in the middle of another restless night to find my wife at the door of my bedroom, a flood of memories ran through my mind. For the first time since I first said I love you, I wasn't afraid that she was there to tell me that she was done. Instead, other memories came up to help me figure her out. Every single time Carina came home with tears in her eyes over a patient she had to treat, or couldn't save, she would make herself get lost in the positive things in her life. When we first got together, that meant sex. Lots and lots of sex, but as the years went by and our love grew, merely spending time in each other's company became enough.
We would go for a drive, try out a new restaurant or coffeeshop, or just sit opposite each other in my office, or anything else that required us to be together. Sure, we would come home to some of the best sex we've ever had, but she never used my body to escape her own mind. Unlike me, who needed that physical connection to break free from my clouds. Which is why I couldn't allow us to cross any more lines last night. Cumming on her leg like I was a sex-starved prisoner in my own place of need, was not how I wanted us to make up. But good grief, if it wasn't the most explosive orgasm I've had in months.
When I woke up with my wife's incredible physique draped all over me, I knew I needed a run to save me from myself. No matter how mad I am at myself for losing control last night, nothing will ever make me regret getting that close to her again. I've missed having her in my arms, but what surprised me most, is that I no longer needed her as much as I want her. In the past it was like I needed to be close to Carina in order to breathe but after our little squabble, my world didn't feel like it was ending.
I knew in my heart that we would be okay and that our love is strong enough to withstand every single one of my clouds and demons. But I no longer need her to stay. I want her to come over to our apartment. I want her to crawl into bed with me and let me hold her. I want to look into her eyes while she tells me every small detail about her day, and I want to love her as much as I want her to love me. I never understood the difference until I discovered there is one during a session with Diane.
I was so sure that I fell back into the darkness after I came home to Carina once again, vacant of our house. My mind was filled with panic and worry over snapping at her, but I took a minute to reflect before going into a full-blown panic attack. When I went into my session with Diane that morning, I was so sad over failing to control my emotions. She told me to go back to the first few pages of my feelings journal to make me believe in myself and my growth as much as she does. She had me do the same exercise we did when I was still living on the Becketts' couch.
To write down things I've learned to love about myself and to write down things that others love about me. When I brought up the details of our fight and how bad I've felt about snapping at Carina, Diane had me write down five things that made me different from my dad also. She extended our session until I was able to complete the task, which wasn't as hard as the first time around, but still tricky. At first the reasons came easily, but then I started overthinking things and I crossed out more than what was probably necessary. But at the end, I had more than what I started out with months ago.
Things others love about me:
1. Antonio loves me because of how safe he feels when we draw dreams together. He also loves how much I love spending time with him.
2. Molly's family loves me because I'm me, which is weird to say because I don't think anyone has ever loved me before they even met me.
3. Becks loves me because I listen to him without judgement and we both love having someone we can trust so indisputably.
4. Molly loves me because she knows I will always protect the men in her life. She loves my stupid jokes and that she can twist my arm so easily.
5. Carina just loves me. I don't know why, but I feel it every time she looks at me or touches me. I know it's love because when I look into the mirror while thinking about her smile or her shoulders or her legs, I have the same glimmer in my eyes and grin on my face.
Things I love about myself:
1. I am resilient. Life has thrown me every type of curveball and with the help of some truly inspiring people, I'm still somehow staying afloat.
2. I am trustworthy. Even though it gets me in a lot of shit, I can keep a secret like it's nobody's business. But more than that, I know I will show up when someone needs help.
3. I am a good friend. Or so it seems. I haven't lost any of the friends I've made since I reached rock bottom, so that must mean they like me, right?
Things that make me different from my dad:
1. I don't take pleasure in hurting my family.
2. I like watching people I care about succeed, even if it means I don't
3. I think I'll make a much better parent than he ever did.
I left with a whole new set of scars after I only managed to name three things and Diane tried to step in and help, by saying I could write down that I don't like inflicting pain on the woman I love. But my brain was so sex deprived that I had to hide my blushed cheeks behind a pillow and admit that my wife and I did like dabbling in some pain with our pleasure. Diane went through another few things that I didn't feel worthy of writing down yet, so she went into more detailed things to list. Like how I've never chocked Carina.
I honestly don't know which part of my anatomy burnt hotter on the couch in Diane's office that day. The blush that covered my whole body or the throbbing need from the memory of Carina's compressed screams as she came with such a force, that my hand wrapped around her throat went into the same spasm as the one fucking her from behind. I never thought I'd see the day where I would traumatize my therapist, but she quickly told me to move on so she can make her point and go home.
It was scarier than I thought, reading the heartbreak and worth I assigned to myself after my suicide attempt. But like she said, I've grown so much. Back then I was convinced that no one loved me, and that I wasn't worthy of their love. The few things I managed to name were all in the past tense. Now I had more people I considered my loved ones, I had more reasons to live, I have more worth for my own love which makes me more worthy of theirs. For the first time since I started seeing Diane, I felt less broken. I know I'm still miles away from being fixed and that it might never happen, but it is so freeing to know that I've changed for the better.
The only small and murky cloud that still threatened the sunshine I've been walking on, was that stupid secret. But after talking it through with Carina last night, I've been skipping alongside a vivid yellow pathway to my happy ending. Until my desperate need for my wife and the fear over losing her to something beyond my control, made me start wandering off the beaten path. Since Agent Tate decided that it was a solid plan to trust me with the information that indicates to a potential terrorist attack in Seattle, deep sleep has evaded me like the plague.
The few hours I've been getting in Carina's arms since we found Joseph's lair, was the only thing still keeping me mildly sane. I wasn't as worried about the danger being out of my control but knowing that anything and anyone could be the potential target, made my mind stay on a constant high alert. I don't know how I'd keep living if these alleged terrorists chose a hospital as the bombing destination. What if Carina got hurt? Would I ever be able to live with myself if I didn't even warn her of the imminent danger? What if she doesn't get hurt and she found out that I had the means to stop it? Or at the very least, convince someone with more experience to investigate the threat?
While telling her about what I've learnt, so many more fears ran through my mind. But when she asked me what we were going to do about it, like a team, I just let my heart lead me for once. Before I met my gorgeous wife, I have never been a team player. Now I can't imagine running this race on my own. "How did I get so lucky?" Carina swatting my hand away when I dare to brush the hair out of her face, makes me chuckle low in my throat. I have to resist the urge to lean over even further and suck on those pouting lips like they are a Carina flavored popsicle.
She rolls over on her stomach when I run the back of my fingers over her soft as marshmallow cheek. When she stretches out and the sheet gets tucked down even further by her feet, until her gloriously tanned ass cheek peeks out, I take it as a starting pistol shot to get moving and leave sleeping beauty to her blissful rest. If I get lost in the constellation of freckles on her naked back right now, there is no boundary that can be set that I wouldn't cross to be with her.
I keep her in my peripheral vision while rummaging through my drawers in search of some clothes to go running in. After I slip on my shorts and shirt, I start looking for some socks but get sidetracked every time I hear movement behind me. "Tua madre non ti ha detto che è scortese fissare? (Didn't your mother tell you it's rude to stare?)" Carina's voice is so thick and hoarse from the heavenly sleep she just woke up from, and the effect it has on my aching libido increases tenfold when I hear her stretch her long limbs out.
I try my absolute best to ignore her less than subtle tactic to get my attention, but I'm only human and the opportunity to see any more of her is like a drug. "Can you blame me? If I had an artistic bone in my body, I would gladly spend the rest of my life capturing the beauty of you, naked in my bed, on a canvas." I smile at her through the mirror I've hung over my dresser, looping my hair into a tight ponytail. She tucks the covers under her arms to cover her breasts while observing every movement I make.
She licks her lips while looking me up and down, pushing her perky breasts up into the air on another long stretch. "You could do more than stare, you know? That ring on your finger means you're the only person allowed to come over here and touch me as well." I put every effort into not getting baited by the love of my life but place all the blame on the mirror for being in the right place at the right time. My mouth fills with saliva and my clit starts beating in time with the pounding in my ears as Carina combs her fingers through her hair, giving me a mouthwatering view of her hardened nipples against the white sheet.
She's not even trying to seduce me, she probably doesn't even know how sexy the move is, but I am so fucking obsessed with her. I lick my own lips when I look at every slither of skin exposed and envision the best path I can take to trace the bronze skin with my tongue. Sweet heaven above, I need an outlet for these thoughts before I take my wife in every position ever discovered. I try to force my mind to think of anything else possible right now, but my gaze is fixated on her erogenous zones like my eyes alone can kickstart her own arousal.
The visions pester the back of my eyelids of how nibbling, biting and kissing on the soft skin behind her knee, can make my wife gush like a fountain. Or how licking and teasing her inner thighs when she's playing hard to get, make her legs fall open faster than I can say please. Or how massaging and tickling the bottom of her feet while riding her face, can speed up her climax to such a degree that I'm able to come with her screaming into my sex. And that fucking pinkie of hers. The way her breathing slows down while her heartbeat picks up from a simple bite and tuck of that fingertip, never ceases to amaze me.
I shake my head when I hear my name being called from very far away and only manage to pay attention when Carina hides her skin, which I've been fantasizing about, underneath the sheet. "I was hoping you'd wake up before I left, so I could thank you for last night." Her lips curl into a bashful smile before her entire face and chest gets covered by a deep crimson blush. I finally turn around to stare down at her, loving every second of these small moments together. Her smile turns naughty when she busts me trying to find a piece of skin to drool over.
"I don't think anyone has ever thanked me for an orgasm before." My sexy-as-sin wife's laughter fills the room as I throw my hands over my eyes in embarrassment, enjoying every second of her teasing me about what I just said. "Is this what we do now? Apologize for the stupid misunderstandings we have. Getting rid of our frustrations in each other's arms and then Thank-You-Cards for the orgasm that follows?" I groan loudly, begging her to stop from behind my hands, knowing my face is crimson by now.
When she starts her loving teasing over my blush, I throw in my white flag and jump on the bed to get her back. "I meant thank you for letting me open up to you..." I straddle her legs and start tickling her mercilessly until she can't breathe through her laughter anymore. I cough on my next laugh, loving every second of her trying to get herself out of this. "Maya!" My wife stomps her feet on the bed when I lock her wrists in my hands, still struggling to get free until she admits defeat. "I'm sorry, okay? Bambina, you win. You are right. Last night was amazing. And I'm not just talking about the orgasm."
I let her wrists go before flopping down beside her. She turns on her side too, falling right back into the position that got us into crossing the line last night. God, it feels like I'm in heaven when she looks at me with those chocolate oracles of hers. Paired with that loving smile and flushed cheeks, how did I expect myself to never fall in love with her when she looks this good whilst in the midst of her happiness? She slaps her hand over my mouth, glowering at me when my smile stretches past her palm. "Stop being so cocky, you sexy woman. You're not the only one obsessed with her wife, you know?"
I pull her hand away from my still smiling lips, trailing the soft curves over her fingertips, rushing past her palm to kiss the inside of her wrists before running the tip of my tongue up her arm. Her breathing is ragged by the time I nibble on her neck and chin and her breath catches when our lips finally touch in a scorching battle of tongues and teeth. My mouth runs dry when she pulls the sheet down between our bodies to place my palm over her naked breasts.
I reluctantly pull my mouth away from hers to look down in time to see my heart beating in the veins on the back of my hand. My heartbeat travels south when Carina moans into my neck while pushing her chest harder into my hands. With every squeeze of my fingers, she sucks on the pulse point on my neck until I can't think straight anymore. Watching her throw her arm over my side so she can start clawing at my runner shorts, gives me just enough clarity to stop her wandering hands from inflicting lifelong damage to my poor neglected cunt once more.
"This is why I need to go for a run." Carina giggles against my neck, pulling on the clothes I have on, like they offended her in the worst way. "Oh? Is that all that's needed to control this aching need we have for each other? Maybe I should take up running myself." We both moan in disappointment when I unclench my hands from the handfuls of pleasure they were just clawing at, to wrap my arms around her waist. My mouth drops open at her voicing the desire to do anything that resembles exercise which is not in the form of getting sweaty together in the biblical sense.
"Isn't yoga your go-to activity to relax?" She slips her hands over my shirt, covering my own erect nipples, to tangle her fingers in my hair. I'll redo my ponytail a hundred more time if it means she'll mess it up like this. "Yoga hasn't helped with the sexual frustration even when we were apart. My fingers are tired, and I don't like using any of our toys on my own. Maybe if I numb the little hoochie out, then I can rest." I suck in a breath which makes her roll her eyes, but we're both aroused enough to get turned on by simple words like that.
"Would you like to join me for my run?" I roll my lips back between my teeth and furrow my brow waiting for her reaction. At first her mouth falls agape and then her own eyebrows pull her forehead into a frown while she replays my words in her mind. "I can barely run to the OR when there's an emergency, bella. I don't think I'll be able to keep up with an Olympic gold medalist." She tucks on my hair when I roll my eyes at her. I wrap my arm more tightly around her waist, pulling her flush against my front.
"I'll go slow, I promise. We'll make it a nice, fun, carefree run, my love. No competition, no finish line." I've been feeling so guilty for the new distance I've put between us since Antonio's birthday weekend. And after sharing with her why the distance started, I can't stop wanting more. I've always needed an escape when things got too much, but I don't want somewhere to hide from her anymore. Maybe including her in an activity I've only ever shared with my dad, will help convince her that I'm worthy of her trust. But for a more selfish reason, I just want to spend more time with her.
Since the whole ordeal with Letham, my shifts have become more unpredictable than ever. And if Carina and I haven't been passing each other like two ships in stormy waters, then we were in two completely different oceans, and we've been missing each other for weeks. The absence of quality time, paired with the secret looming around us like a bad stench, has led to this burning flame of desire neither of us have been able to put out.
I told her that I wanted nothing but love between us when we finally become intimate again, and she told me that she's holding back until all my clouds evaporate above us. I haven't felt as connected to her as I did during our weekend in Colorado. That game she played where we pretended to be making out in my parents' house, is a fantasy I never even knew I craved until that day. After a day of finally allowing myself to enjoy the simplest things life has to offer, I didn't even hesitate to confide in Carina about my past.
Stories I have never told a single person before, not even Diane, and the sparkle in her eyes was like a pat on the back for doing something right for a change. Our touches and the kisses we shared felt like being on the outside of one of those static electricity balls. The tingling sensation stayed on my nerve endings for days after we came back, and the pull to her has never been more powerful. Our sleepovers almost ended up placing us both in a few compromising positions until she'd bring up that damn arson case again.
Now there is no more secret to put a stop to our out-of-control passion, and I need to escape my own flawed will, not Carina. "Maya, I can't exactly go running in what I'm wearing now." She uses her hand to indicate the white sheet she has wrapped around her and the flimsy lace panties she has on underneath. I growl into her mouth before leaving another kiss on her lips just from the thought of how good she'll look. "You're right. You can't wear that today, but you've just filled my mind with very inappropriate fantasies of chasing you around this apartment." We both start laughing huskily while she pokes me in the chest.
I roll out of the bed, walking back to my dresser, nervously looking back at her with every step. "So, I uhm... I kind of bought you some things for when you sleep over." I open the drawer I assigned to Carina with all the things I picked up for her during my last trip to the shops. On the left are some yoga pants and shirts. In the middle are underwear and, on the right are a few lotions, a fully equipped make-up bag and a menstrual cup. She also has a section of my closet for the two trousers and blouses I thought she'd might like.
"You made space in your closet for me? Maya, you didn't even do that before we moved in together." I pick up the yoga pants and shirt that are lying on top, with a sports bra and sheepishly turn back around. "I told you. I want to do things right this time." My wife jumps upright in bed as I throw her with the clothing pieces. "You left your runners in the hall closet and I'm sure my socks will fit you." Carina holds a piece of clothing in each hand as she studies them both before gazing up at me in utter bewilderment.
"Maya, are you being serious right now? Firstly, thank you for buying me new clothes. You know I'm a sucker for an upgraded wardrobe. But are you sure you want me intruding into your alone time?" I rest my knee on the corner of the bed as I wrap my hands around her ankles. She rolls her eyes when I give her a slight tug to come closer, but we both end up smiling while she thinks of another excuse to get herself out of the predicament, she managed to talk herself into. "I want to share this with you."
A nervous giggle escapes her lips, just as her face becomes flushed. She crosses her arms over her chest when I crawl over her body to leave a soft brush of lips against hers "I told you I've only been running for fun. I promise to take it at the slowest pace humanly possible and we can stop for some pastries and coffee on our way back." I can feel my face pull together as I furrow my brows, holding my breath for an answer. "I'll take my phone with, and we can Uber back from wherever you run out of stamina."
Carina looks up at me with those Bambi eyes filled with awe, and I have the urge to slam my fists against my chest like an animal for being the one to make her face light up like this. I balance myself over her trembling body, barely grazing her exposed skin with mine before leaning in to whisper a plea against her neck. "Please, Carina. As great as last night was, it wasn't enough time with you." When I sit back up to look down at her, a look crosses her face that I can't decipher. I rest my weight on my feet tucked behind me and rest my hands on her bent knees on either side of me.
The self-doubt creeps in the longer Carina stays silent and I desperately try to backpaddle away from the idiotic idea I had. "Okay, okay, okay. How about we both skip the run and just go grab breakfast together? My treat." Maybe she needs some time away from me. Some peace and quiet to reflect on her life on her own. I won't blame her if she needs something for herself to escape my insecurities and clouds from. While I had running to keep myself in check, what did Carina have to get through her frustrations with?
Maybe she's used to doing something while I went for a run, and I've just unknowingly manipulated her into giving it up by inviting her to come with me. What if I'm the re- "I want to have sex." My hands slip from Carina's knees, and I have to catch myself on the mattress beneath her. Her eyes clear up while looking into mine and it's clear now that we've both been having an internal monologue with ourselves over two completely different things. Her eyes widen when we both unravel the meaning of her words.
"I mean. I'm ready to..." She also sits up on her knees until we're eye to eye, and she can wrap her arms around my neck. I still haven't been able to move, afraid to even breathe in case it will mean I'd wake up. "My love, you don't have to... Last night didn't change anyt-. I don't want to pressure you into anything." My wife tucks on my ponytail until she traps me in her serious gaze, not rewarding me with any possibility of breaking our connection. "I had my apprehensions because there were pieces of our past that clung to this place like a parasite."
She kisses my cheek when I flinch at her words, thinking back on all the hurtful things I've done and said during our life together. "Maya, you've managed to replace every single one of those bad memories with something so incredible that I've fallen in love with you and this apartment all over again. This isn't about last night. Well, maybe it is... But not in the way you think." I can't fight the soft smile from stretching my cheeks at her nervous babbling. She shakes her head, kissing me again and then inhales deeply.
"I trust you, Maya. If I still had any doubts about us, you took care of it by confiding in me last night. I was still so scared that I'd somehow lose you to the clouds again, and even though I wanted so desperately to believe you when you said they were gone, I don't think I truly appreciated the fact until you just invited me to run towards something with you instead of having you run away from me. I love you, Maya Deluca-Bishop, and I want to use what I know best to show you just how much." Her own smile splits her face in half when I tuck her body into mine to kiss the daylights out of her.
We cup each other's faces while staring longingly into each other's eyes with so much love and compassion. "That speech was almost good enough to persuade me into giving you your ring back." Her mouth falls open when I pinch my fingers between us, showcasing a few millimeters between my thumb and index finger. "It's just missing that something extraordinary." We both fall into a fit of laughter when she tackles me to leave a magnitude of kisses over my face, neck and chest.
I quickly flip the tables on her and roll on top of her for some teasing kisses myself. "We really should go on that run if you expect me to have any mental capacity to plan our romantic evening. I just worked a triple, so I have today and tomorrow off." I can feel her heartbeat spiking from her excitement over what we're planning to do tonight. "Maybe you can request leave for tomorrow as well, so we can take our time getting to relearn each other's bodies? I don't want to rush when we've waited this long."
I haven't even finished talking before she starts nodding her head and looking around for her phone. She pushes me off of her and crawls to her discarded clothing on the floor, near the door, until she finds what she's looking for. "I have four back-to-back pap smears today while Jo builds up her hours with the natural deliveries. I won't be able to get off earlier today, but I can move my lab day for my study to another day and work a double with you over the weekend so Jo can have some time to prep for her attending's exam." My wife is practically vibrating on the floor as she types away on her phone to make time for us.
When she's done with whatever she needed to do, she leaves her phone on the dresser and asks me to hand her the clothes I picked out for her. "I need to be at the hospital in two hours so you might have to piggyback me to get enough coffee to make it through the day with enough energy for you tonight." I gulp loudly when the reality of the situation sets in, and my mind goes into overdrive over every detail I need to plan before she comes home later. "Maya. Calm down. I'll be over just after six, so you have more than enough time to live in your head until then. Right now, I need you present so I don't make a fool of myself while trying to run next to you."
Carina cups my cheeks in her hand until she's sure that she has my undivided attention, only to completely fuck it up by dropping the sheet from her naked body, right in front of me. "Fucking hell. You are the devil." Her grin is nothing short of evil as she turns around to bend over as she slowly and torturingly drags her panties down her legs. My center is throbbing all over again and I do the only thing I can think of to get myself free of her seduction. I swing my arm back before bringing my palm down in a resounding smack against her naked ass.
Her yelp gets drowned out by my guttural moan when I see my red handprint painting the faint skin as she tries to rub away the sting of my slap. She turns around, and the fire in her eyes almost bring me to my knees to apologize and worship the imprint of me, I just left on her skin. When my resolve is one more heavy breath away from breaking point, I push her clothes into her chest and hightail my ass out of the room. "I'll go get your runners. And maybe sprint around the freaking block to cool myself down before taking you for a run."