QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:
"There was a distinction between lying and telling half-truths, but it was a very narrow one."
― Alexander McCall Smith, The Sunday Philosophy Club
Dedication: @foreversmilin (she's an amazing person & I love making her crazy.)
***
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
I can't sleep that ight.
I sent several messages to Richard but he didn't reply any of them. I am dying to know what they talked and if Calvin knows. I want to send a message to Calvin, and I keep typing down nonsense words like 'What's up?' 'Hi' or 'I miss you' but I haven't sent any of them yet. I know if he knows, it's going to be pointless and he'll more likely to swear me in return. But he wouldn't – Calvin is the last person to lose his temper.
Deep down I know he has found out. I think he might have killed Richard and that's why he hasn't answered me yet. Because Ric would. Suddenly coming up with a smart idea, I decide to call him. (I am being sarcastic – I have been calling him but he doesn't pick up.) After a few rings, he decides to pick up eventually.
"What?" His voice is sleepy, clearly I've just woken him up. It's 3 in the morning. "You've been calling me all night," he hisses hoarsely. Even when he's sleepy, he finds the energy to be pissed off.
"You didn't answer my messages," I state.
"Sorry," he says, "but I had better things to do."
"Like what?" I ask. What in his dull life has he got better than informing me about what's just happened? The fact that Calvin called him instead of me shows how pissed he is and maybe he didn't want to talk to me at all. No, maybe he was just asking something else. Maybe he called to say that he talked to Stella and they can be together now. I shouldn't think of the worst.
"Like cleaning my bruises." Yet this answer proves everything wrong and turns me back to where I start: the worst.
"Shit," I whisper. I knew this was to come but I never wanted it to happen. He knows, he punched Ric. "He – he punched you?" Calvin punched someone. I caused Calvin Gilmore to punch someone. Hurt someone. God, I'm so going to hell for this.
He laughs but it's lack of humour. "Did you expect him to congratulate me?" He groans. "At least he didn't kill me. I'm thankful for that." Then, he laughs softly again. "This boy keeps surprising me with new sides. First, he opened up to you and now, he punched me. You seriously changed him."
Even in an intense topic, Ric comes up with the worst jokes ever. I've changed Calvin for bad.
This gets me thinking about how nothing is one-sided. I was thinking how I've changed and made progress – I felt good and better. He created a better version of me but it wasn't just that. I caused him to get worse. It is as if I've handed some of my darkness into him to get rid of mine. Or it just moved itself. So, it's true what they say: nothing can be completely destroyed, it just transforms.
"You didn't punch him back, right?" I ask worriedly.
"No."
I sigh with relief. "Good."
"Look, I need to sleep. And I remember your threat – you said you were going to end my life with yours but see? Your boyfriend – or may I say never-to-be – punched me in the face so we are even." He pauses for a while and I assume he's checking himself in the mirror. "Seriously though, my face is a mess. I can't believe I left him untouched." He sighs. "Only for your sake, Jack, only for you."
"Wait," I say immediately. "Did he find the sketchbook? What did he say? Tell me something!" I pretend not to care about the rest of the conversation. I don't want to mull over his words right now – I've got enough shit going on for that.
"He found out, Jack. He knows. I don't think you need the details how."
He hangs up and I, simultaneously, punch the pillow. No, it doesn't satisfy me nor ease my anger. I want to punch walls, but I find myself biting the pillow instead. I'm fucked. I lost him – I fucking lost the only good thing that has ever happened to me. Myself. I've caused it myself.
Between anger and cries, I fall asleep. When I wake up again, my father is beside me with worried eyes – it makes me wonder what happened. "Jacqueline," he says softly, caressing my hair with his hand. "You've been yelling in your sleep."
"I – I'm sorry." I'm startled by seeing him in my room at this hour. Normally he'd be gone by now.
"It's fine," he cuts me off. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I say, out of breath.
"You were mumbling some words but I could only get Calvin. Is something wrong between you guys?"
The last person I've wanted to talk about this is my father. "No. I've had a nightmare," I lie.
"Oh, it's not real baby," he says smilingly. "He's fine."
I wish it were true. I wish it were a nightmare – not the fucking truth that cuts me like a knife. This wish wasn't new. I have been wishing for the same since I woke up in Richard's bed. I've never wanted it to be true. I constantly hated myself for that.
I want to meet Calvin and tell him how sorry I am right now. Tell him how it meant nothing to me, that I don't even remember.
"Thanks Dad," I whisper. He pats my back and stands up. "Why are you at home?"
"I took a small break from work."
"Good for you," I say, feigning a smile.
"I'll drop you to school today." He smiles widely. "We'll go out with your mother."
I nod and watch him shut the door behind. I feel like suffocating again. The truth dawns on me and I want to undo it. I grab my phone and click on Calvin's number. With shaky hands, I wait for him to answer but he doesn't. I'm actually glad because I don't have the courage to confront him.
I get ready for school and go downstairs to see my dad waiting for me. I sigh and follow him out, into the car and during the ride, my eyes are on the road. I try to shut my brain, and my heart. Because the more I think the worse it gets. Painful. Unbearable. I imagine his cold eyes on me and everyone at school calls me bitch. And I don't punch them because everything I see is his soul freezing eyes.
"We are here honey." My father takes my mind off from my thoughts. I stare around and realise we are standing in front of school.
"Thanks," I mumble, getting out of the car. "Have a nice day."
He grins at me. I stare after him until his car disappears through the street. It gives me some time. Holding my breath, I walk into the school – looking at people and trying to analyse their glances at me. But they don't seem different at all which is a little comforting. I walk to my locker, passing by some and pull it open. Meanwhile, a piece of paper falls on the ground from there and I immediately grab it. I can't hide my disappointment when I realise it's from Richard.
Meet me @ art class
Peeking around, I head to art class. It must be still empty so I push the door open. Richard is sitting on a desk, looking down at his sketchbook. He lifts his head up when he notices me walking in.
"What's going on?" I ask impatiently.
"I'm going to tell what happened." I notice the scar at the corner of his lips and around his right eye. My brain suddenly sets up the scenario and Calvin punches him right at those parts of his face.
"Why did you change your mind, all of a sudden?" I arch an eyebrow.
He stands up and walks up at me."Just listen. As long as I was there, he punched me,"—he laughed—"it was so hilarious. Calvin Gilmore punched me. Then, he handed me the book. Asked me if it's true."
"What's true?" I cut him off. "What have you done there?" I ask, pointing at the book with my eyes. He hands me and I quickly look through it. I pause when I see the last page. That's me again – sketched sleeping, my hair surrounded around me and I'm covered with a sheet. That morning – he drew me. I throw it back at him, my hands clenches into fists afterwards and my jaw tightens. "M – maybe it's your fantasy," I whisper, my eyes teary. "How did he make sure we did it?" I run a hand through my hair.
"He punched me for that," he says, "for he thought I was obsessing over you and imagined you like that."
"So, he doesn't know," I say hopefully. "He doesn't know!" I say a bit louder laughingly. But when I meet his icy eyes, I change my mind. He knows. "How did he learn?" I ask in disbelief.
"I did tell him," he says, shrugging. "Do you know how it feels like to be accused of something like that – we've done a mistake together, Jack. I'm not going to save your arse and risk mine. As you said yourself, if we are in this together. If I'm going to hell, you're coming with me."
"You told him," I repeat. "You told him that we banged." He nods carelessly, his eyes darted on mine. I slap his cheek to ease my anger – he has told him. "You told him." I am shaking. "Are you out of your mind? Why did you tell him?"
"Don't you get it?" He yells, his palm meeting the desk with a sharp voice. His face is breaths away from mine as he talks again – this time softer and slower since he doesn't need to shout to get his words through my skull. "He called me obsessed, he said I was trying to get to you by acting as a friend."
"Don't you?" I find myself ask. "Isn't it what you're doing? With or without that night, Ric, you've had those drawings of me. You said you needed to get me out of your head. You said you are over Stella – was it me all along? Did – did you want to get to me?"
"Will it change a thing?" He asks, his eyes piercing into mine.
"No." I reply firmly.
"Then, no."
Sending him a sharp look, I walk to the door and get out of there. I can't get over that he told Calvin himself – he has thrown both of us into fire. I've been so stupid to trust him. He is a selfish prick who only thinks of himself.
As I head to the restroom, I spot Calvin and Stella talking in the corridor. He seems like he is holding himself not to break down and Stella caresses his shoulders and comforts him. Then, she hugs him and I take a step ahead before stopping myself from getting to them and pulling her away from Calvin. He hugs her back, wrapping his arms around her torso and my heart shutters into pieces. You've deceived him, I tell myself, you deserve even worse. I've always known I didn't deserve him – yet it took me long to realise I was never to be happy. I had to ruin everything one way or another.
My life is like a domino. Calvin came into my life and reserved the effect – he changed everything for better until I've destroyed everything.
I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve him. I hurt him – I hurt the best person alive. And what's worse is I still fucking love him.
I lost Calvin Gilmore.
There, our eyes meet, his head rested on Stella's shoulder and his eyes a bit watery; yet they dry as he notices me standing. I feel the ground slipping under me and my heart starts to pound like crazy.
His look digs a hole into my heart – it's as if telling me to make my grave into it.