I miss my baby.
I've never felt the pain I feel now, the pain of losing your child. I feel like I'm in a fog that just won't go away. I know the sky is blue but it's grey for me. I haven't been able to see the sun since Alina was kidnapped. My days are dark without her here without her light bringing joy to this cruel world. She was my sun; she was all of our suns.
I can't eat. How could I when she might be starving?
Whenever I close my eyes I see her face crying out for someone to save her.
I did all I could at the moment to keep both my children safe, but it wasn't enough. It's impossible to not blame myself.
I have never felt more useless. My life has become a waiting game to get word from Igor or anyone we have overseas.
I miss her so god damn much. I would do anything to get her home safe.
We took a little girl in to give her a better life. She was already in danger of being associated with us, so what choice did we have? Those eight months we spent with her were some of the best of my life.
My husband and I gained a daughter and our sons got a sister. She brought us closer. But now she's gone and we've drifted back apart. Family time feels painfully different without her presence.
I've lost myself in my guilt and grief. I want to inflict the pain in my heart onto the bodies of those associated with the Russians.
My boys are on a bloody manhunt that will not cease until she's back with us.
I spend my days training now so I can protect her when she's back in my arms. Relieving a crap ton of stress onto the punching bag always helps as well, and is usually accompanied by a great deal of tears.
Mariana and Emelia are always there for me as well. Training together reminds me of my youth which also helps a bit.
My husband has been incredible throughout this. He's our rock and leading the charge. He's breaking down and I don't know how much longer he can keep up this facade.
The new property the Ivanovs purchased ended up being a fluke. A scout returned to my husband claiming that he saw explosives being set around the property. An obvious trap that in our desperation, almost fell right into.
My sons and nephews come and go from the house and we all just hope they come home by the end of the week.
Alessandro, Gio, and Alonzo went to Japan to see if they could get anything. I doubt the Ivanovs told their allies anything though.
Andreas, Angelo, and Lorenzo went to France to meet up with some of Andreas's underground allies.
Damien, Nico, Alessio, and Adriano are in Montreal chasing down a group of clueless Bratva men for "shits and giggles."
Luca and Dante just returned from Mexico. They've been friends with the heir of the cartel for years after getting him out of a bad situation down in Miami when they were fourteen. How they got into a full-on club is beyond me. His father agreed to lend any support necessary.
The angels of the family, Roman, and Matteo, have stayed at home doing whatever they can from here. Granted they are also fifteen and can't drive yet. Well not legally, that is.
I sat in one of the leather chairs in my husband's study, watching my youngest son attempt to contact Anastasia, my childhood idol. In that moment it all seemed so close, my daughter seemed so close.
"It's done," Roman said to us.
"How will we know if she got it?" Antonio questioned.
"We'll know," I said.
I said that with confidence attempting to convince myself that I'd soon be able to hold my sweet little girl again.
It's been less than twenty-four hours since then. For the most part, the entire family is here waiting for word back. Our boys in Japan, France, and Canada are the only ones missing.
"I'm so scared."
"Me too amore. But this is the closest we've ever been and we—"
The ringing of my husband's phone interrupts him.
"Boss."
"It's one in the fucking morning. What is it?"
I place my hand on his bicep to calm him.
He mouths 'sorry' to me.
I can't hear what the man on the phone is saying nor can I tell whether it's good or bad news from my husband's face.
He hangs up the phone and looks at me.
"They sent another recording."
Mixed emotions fill my mind. I'm nervous and dreading it. I'm glad she's still alive. I'm hopeful that Anastasia might contact us.
"Ok," is all I can say. "Should I wake everyone?"
"Yeah. Yeah go on, I'll be there in a minute," he says getting out of bed in a numb-like manner.
His mind is going through every possibility on his way to the closet. Neither of us knows what to do at times like this besides accept it and hope for the best and I hate it.
I throw on sweatpants and a hoodie and leave for the bedrooms. I walk down the hall knocking on each door to wake up the family.
Most of them had the same numb reaction as us and woke up immediately upon hearing the news.
We all go to Antonio's office where he had already connected his laptop to the television. The anticipation the looping circle brings drives me mad as the file uploads.
Soon, it's ready and my husband presses play.
Alina's sleeping body is the first thing we see. There's a nasty bruise on her cheek and Alexei and Dmitri's voice taunts us through the screen.
I'll kill them. I'll kill them. I'll kill those bastards!
Silent tears roll down my cheeks as they continue, Antonio wraps his arm around my shoulder and gently strokes my arm for comfort. His hand is shaking though and I feel his chest tremble, attempting to keep his own tears at bay.
Dmitri then plays a recording with a grin on his face. It's of Alina's voice. We hear the impact of the hand on her cheek and the manipulative words being fed to her. She's crying and begging them.
My poor baby.
I don't know how much longer I can stay sane knowing my daughter is being forced to forget me under physical and mental abuse. The Alina we know and love is fading and we need to get her home now.
The video cuts out and tears are seen all around the room. Even Alberto's eyes are glassy.
"FUCK!" Antonio screams, punching the wall and collapsing to the floor in a ball of tears.
"Principessa. Oh my Principessa, my little girl. Please forgive your father. I'll rescue you," He sobs.
"Roman, what do you see?" Alberto asks.
I want to yell that he's just a child and that he needs a goddamn second, but he's already in his headspace. I see the gears turning in his head as his fingers fly across the keyboard.
He begins to mouth words to himself before writing them on a piece of paper.
"Instructions," he says to himself before diving back into the computer, his fingers moving twice as fast.
The TV changes and a room in black and white appears before us.
"A princess is always saved from her knight in shining armor."
Anastasia's voice.
But we only see her back.
Move Anna. Move!
She does and my daughter's tiny figure comes into view.
"So I do have a family out there?" Alina jumps up and down as she smiles at Anastasia.
"Yes, princess."
We found her.