WILLOW
A loud roll of thunder pulled me from sleep at the same time my alarm goes off. I rub my eyes with my fingers trying to adjust my eyes to the daylight coming from the windows. Tossing off the covers, my bare feet hit the floor, and I reach for my phone to turn the annoying sound off.
Rain pattered against the windows, lighting lit up the room and my first thought of the day comes to her.
Summer must be scared.
My fingers move fast to her chat and I stop as I read our last conversation, four days ago, knocking me back to reality. I haven't seen or heard from her in four days. The last message is from me, telling her that I arrived okay, she left me on read.
My heart twists at how I left things with her, she deserves better than that– than me. I leave my phone in my bed before I stand up to do my morning routine. Wondering if Maya is already up, she probably is. Without Summer, these past days, I've been taking a lot of shifts at the diner with Maya but I barely see her at our dorm or school. Has she seen Summer in class? Would it be wrong if I ask her?
Thirty minutes later, I glance at the clock hanging from our small kitchen area.
7:23 a.m
"Rise and shine, sunshine." Maya's back is to me, moving around in the kitchen before she places a mug in front of me.
"What's this?" my brows furrow.
She tosses her pink hair behind her shoulder. "Coffee. It's good, I tasted it."
I wrinkle my nose. "You never made breakfast for me. We usually go out."
Maya shrugs, a soft smile spreads on her lips. "You're supposed to say thank you."
I chuckle, wrapping my hands around the hot coffee. "Thank you, May. You're the best."
"I know." she smiles, taking a seat in front of me. "Had to make something, it's raining and it's so cold– I didn't think you'd want to go to the coffee shop."
"It's okay," I say after taking a sip. "I'm so tired, I needed this."
"Yeah, you've been up late last night." she narrows her eyes at me. "Homework?"
I shake my head. "Just writing stuff."
She gasps, her pale face lighting up. "Did you stay up late talking with your new friend Summer? Gosh, I still can't believe you met her family. I hate you."
"She's not my–" I sigh, lowering my head with a shake. "I haven't talked to her in days. I literally was just writing things."
She tilts her head with a frown. "You haven't talked to her? Why?"
Because I'm a piece of shit and every time I open my mouth near her, I hurt her. "I have the song, she heard it, now it's her turn to invent some sort of choreography."
"And you haven't seen her." it's more like a statement than a question but I shake my head anyway.
She hums, raising her brows before lowering her eyes to the coffee in front of her, getting lost in her thoughts.
"What was that look?"
"What look?"
"The look you just– What's wrong?" my voice shakes without me noticing.
She chews her bottom lip and taps her fingers on the table with a long sigh. "It's nothing. I just think it's weird that you haven't talked or seen her in days. We share like four classes together and she wasn't in any of them."
Maya shrugs like it's nothing but my heart sinks to my stomach when I hear her.
She hasn't been in class in days? Why? Summer is not the type of person to skip classes and she can't drop out– not when the showcase is hosted by the University. A weird feeling settles in the pit of my stomach and refuses to go away. I tell myself she must be busy with her Dance Academy but it doesn't feel right.
What if something happened to her? I don't even remember seeing her sister at school– I never did but since I started working with Summer, Aurora was everywhere and I haven't seen her these days. What if she's hurt? What if she decided to drop out, just like that, because of what I said? This doesn't feel right.
I reach for my phone, ignoring the texts from my mother and I open Summer's chat again.
Why do you care? We're not friends.
"What's wrong?" Maya asks, before I can overthink more than I already did.
"Nothing, I just... It's nothing." I don't recognize my own voice.
"Is it your mom?"
I freeze. "What?"
She presses her lips together. "Yeah, your mom. She was here the day you went Summer's. She said she needed you, I told you this."
"No, you didn't." my hands start shaking and I place them over my lap before Maya can notice.
"Yes, I did."
"No, Maya. You haven't. I– fuck." I stand up and walk to my room.
Maya follows behind me and if she's talking, I don't hear her. My mom was here. My mom went looking for me because I didn't send the money. My mom met one of my two friends. What did she say? What did she want? Did she told Maya about my crappy childhood?
You're a failure.
You're nothing.
You'll always be your mother's daughter.
You'll never be good at singing.
Your mom will never leave you alone.
You will always be haunted by her.
By them.
My left ear starts ringing and my brain stops functioning. My chest constricts and all the air is sucked from my lungs. The nausea hits me out of nowhere when my stomach twists.
My hands shake, I open my eyes but they are unfocused and I can't see.
You're not good enough. You're not lovable. Your mother didn't love you. Your father left you. You'll always be that little girl scared to fall asleep in her own house.
Everyone leaves because you're not enough. Everyone uses you, including your mother.
"Willow? Willow, listen to me."
I know that voice. I heard it before, I try to cling to it– trying to breath but I can't.
"Willow, you're fine, okay? Breathe with me. Can you listen to me?"
I nod, or at least I think I do, the fog clears with her voice. The darkness fading away just as she whispers that I'm okay, safe and nothing is going to happen to me.
A few minutes passes before my eyes manage to focus again, taking in the overwhelmingly bright lights of my room and the sound of the rain tapping against the window.
I'm in my room. I'm okay.
"Hey, you're okay." that voice– Maya says, her hands lead me to my bed and I let her.
My throat feels dry and my tongue feels like I just ate sand.
"What–"
"You were having a panic attack." her words ring on my ear as I watch her take a step back and go to my nightstand, she grabs my water bottle and holds it to me.
"Drink this, you're okay." she tells me in a sweet voice and I do as she says, the liquid rolls down my throat, helping the knot I've been feeling to go away.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks when I finish the whole thing. I shake my head and she nods, looking unsure of what to do. "I'll be right back."
She leaves my room, closing the door behind her. I try to keep myself in the present with everything that just happened in the last few minutes. My mom came here, probably to ask for money since I haven't sent her anything. Summer is missing– well, not missing but... why?
My stomach twists with nausea, I feel like I'm going to throw up everything I just ate.
I reach for my phone, Maya must've brought it with her from the kitchen. A lot of messages I haven't opened yet stare back at me. My mom's chat with ten unread messages. I didn't dare to open them before and I don't want to now. I won't.
The door opens again, footsteps getting closer until Maya reappears in front of me holding a chocolate bar. "Chocolate helps with everything."
My hands shake as I grab it. "How... how did you manage to help me?" my voice sounds heavy and I feel embarrassed that Maya just saw me in that condition.
Her gaze softens and she sits next to me in my bed. "I had a lot of those growing up. Went to a lot of therapy in my life after..." she pauses, her eyes getting lost while looking at the raindrops in the window. "Doesn't matter. I just know what it's like. You don't have to be embarrassed or anything. I'm just happy to help. How, uh, how are you feeling?"
I take a deep breath before answering her. "I'm fine."
The curve of her lips raise. "Now, tell me how you're really feeling."
I should've known she wouldn't buy it. I shift uncomfortably in my bed. "I feel better, I think. I should get to class."
I get up from my bed, searching for my bag and some warm clothes. Maya said it's cold outside, right? I put on my winter jacket and some boots, instead of my regular sneakers. Living in Vancouver all my life, you know how to prepare yourself for a rainy day. I feel my friend's eyes on me the entire time as I prepare for my first class that starts in thirty minutes.
I feel mortified that I had a panic attack at all– because that wasn't the first time that it happened but I always thought it was just bad anxiety because I overthink too much. All these time I've been having panic attacks? I used to calm myself with music every time that happened, convincing myself that I was nothing, just my mind playing tricks on me.
"Are you sure you wanna go to class?" Maya's voice pulls me out of my mind. "Maybe you should stay. Read something, listen to music, you know, the things you do."
"I have to go. I can't skip classes." I rush to the door, turning around just as I grab the handle. "Are you coming?"
Maya shakes her head, unsure about letting me go. "First class is at nine. Text me if you... you know." she frowns.
I nod, stepping outside and closing the door behind me. Students come and go in the hallway, some with friends, others alone, none of them pay attention to me and I don't pay attention to them. My mind goes back to the brunette with beautiful brown eyes that I haven't talked to in days. Maybe I should text her, invent some sort of excuse about the showcase. I mean– I do have the song, I think, but maybe I can tell her I need some help? God, no. I'm pathetic. The girl is not even my friend and she hates me right now. If she's missing it's not my problem.
But, in my heart, something doesn't feel right. My mind goes back to the last time I saw her– how exhausted she looked, how she could barely keep her eyes open, the limping she did while walking, her eyes fill with sadness and pain. God, I need to stop thinking about her. What is wrong with me?
❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅
Three classes later, Josie and I walk out of the classroom at lunch time. If you ask me what were the classes about, I won't be able to tell you. My mind has been focused on the brunette I haven't seen yet. I haven't texted her, either. I'm afraid. Yes, I'm a loser.
Josie unties her hair, letting it fall down her back and sighs. "Wanna go grab lunch with me?"
At her question, my stomach growls. "Sure. We can go to Sally's. I'm craving a cheeseburger."
"Should we wait for Maya?"
I shake my head. "Her shift at the diner started thirty minutes ago."
Today is my day off, which I refused to take but my boss practically begged me because I work too much. Well, that happens when you need money.
Josie hums at my answer and we start walking to her car without hesitation, since I don't have one. She lives off campus, with her dad, Professor Preston. Josie told me he's still mad at her for not doing the showcase but she doesn't even care. I can tell she doesn't care about this career and it kills me that she's doing something she doesn't love. Why would her father force her to do this? Why does he care if it's not his life?
My phone rings for the millionth time and I check–for the millionth time– hoping it's her. But it's not, of course it's not. I accidentally open the text as I close the door and wait for Josie to start the car.
My body freezes.
Twenty five texts from my mother asking me for money, some of them insulting me, some threatening me, some begging me. But she's asking for money in every single one of them. A knot forms in my throat as I read the last one.
do not answer: im so fking tired of u. your just a useless piece of shit, i should've get rid of u when i had the chance. send me the fucking money willow or ill take it from u and it won't be pretty, you know my methods. you know what happens when you lose.
Tears sting in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. I open the app to my bank account, looking at that 635 dollars I have. She's asking for four hundred. I can make it again if I take a double shift tomorrow. I need money to buy some food and I'm saving to buy a new guitar for my songs– Mine's too old and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work anymore. I also need some new clothes and... fuck, I stop thinking for a second and I send the money to her. Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her. I absolutely hate her.
I refuse to cry for her so I just put my phone in silent and stare at the window the fifteen minute drive, Josie puts on a playlist– thank god, and my brain gets lost in the music like it always does.
Why does it feel like I'm the only person in the planet to have such an awful mom? Why me? What the fuck did I do in my past life to deserve this?
Fifteen minutes later, Josie parks the car behind Sally's, and we take our seats inside the diner after taking off our wet coats. It's been raining nonstop the whole day– and my mind wondered if she's okay. What if she's scared?
"Okay, what's wrong?" Josie places both hands in the yellow table, looking straight at me.
"What? Why?"
"You're quiet. Distracted. I can tell something's bothering you." her eyes soften and I look outside the windows, at the beach. "You can talk to me. We're friends, right?"
Why do you care? We're not friends.
"Are we?" I whisper. "What is a friend to you, Jo?"
She flinches at my question, remind me of the way I hurt Summer. "I mean... yes? I think so?" she frowns. "We hang out all the time, we talk, we go out together– I mean, we're having lunch together." she chuckles.
"That's what a friend is. Someone you can hang out with and feel comfortable, free to say whatever you want, someone you can rely on and just be yourself without being afraid, someone you feel safe with. Someone who listens, supports you and is there for you all the time. We're friends... right?"
I clear my throat. "Yeah. Yes, of course. I'm sorry, my mind's been crazy lately."
Someone who listens.
Supports you.
Is there for you.
Summer fills in all the boxes.
God, she does. She listens to me, I listen to her, she supports me, I support her. I have never feel so comfortable with someone in my life. When I'm with her, I know I can just be myself and she's not going to judge me.
She terrifies me because of it. Feelings I've never felt before take over me when I share a room with her. I find myself wanting to make her smile, laugh, happy. I want to know everything about her and I want her to know everything about me. I want to be there for her and end the sadness that fills those pretty brown eyes. This is not normal.
I've been telling myself we can't be friends but... We already are– or were, right?
Who the fuck stays up until four a.m at some beach just talking and laughing about everything and nothing at all?
A waitress comes to take our order and she leaves, I keep thinking about all those times I've spent with the ballerina. How she helped me, how she listened to every word I said, how hurt she looked when I told her we're not friends.
The way her face lights up when she talks about her friends and family. How happy she looks when she tells me about her writing. How free she seemed that day she danced barefoot in her room and how I couldn't take my eyes away from her. Summer Bennett might be the prettiest girl I've ever seen.
Every time she enters a room, the whole place lights up with her. She's like sunlight, warm and cozy. She... fuck, stop.
"How's the winter showcase going? Do you have the song yet?" Josie takes a bite of the gigantic burger the waitress placed in front of us a few seconds ago.
I nod, taking a fry to my lips. "I think so, yeah."
"And Summer? Does she help?"
I try not to flinch at her name. "Uh... yes. She loves the song, I don't know if she has the dance or anything. She's busy with her dance school."
Josie raises her brows. "Ah. Makes sense. Life of a famous ballerina."
That's not what she wants, though. "I guess. But we have enough time."
I open the notes app in my phone, searching for the song we chose so I can show it to Josie but my eyes land on a song I wrote after I left Summer's house and I open it.
I met a girl once, she sort of ripped me open
She doesn't even know it, she doesn't know my name
We sat on the sofa, she asked me a million questions
I answered and by eleven, memorized her face
Where did you go?
Or were you all in a dream?
I don't know
Why'd it feel louder, when all of it went unspoken? all I can do is hope that this will go away
She doesn't know I'd let her
Ruin all my days
I lock that note, it feels to personal. I don't even know why I wrote it. I don't know what came over me but it happens with all my songs. I just write what my brain tells me. I don't think, I just write.
"Oh, hey. Look," Josie looks over my shoulder and I turn around, my brows furrowed. My heart stops when I see the ginger hair and blue eyes that feel familiar to me now. "That's Summer's sister, right? I heard she's been skipping classes because of a family emergency."
I freeze, turning around to my friend. "Family emergency?"
She shrugs. "I don't know, I heard one of the Bennett girls were at the hospital a few days ago."
"What?"
Thump, thump, thump.
"Yeah, I thought it was her because, you know, she's a figure skater and I thought maybe she twisted her ankle or something but she seems... fine." she presses her lips together at the same time my heart sinks to my stomach.
It can't be her, right? It cannot be her.
Maybe was her little sister and that's why she's been skipping classes and going radio silence on me. It has to be for that. Dizziness, tiredness, pain, I repeat all of that from when I saw her. Something's wrong.
Something doesn't feel right, my heart speeds up at my thoughts.
"I'll be right back." I tell Josie as I stand up, walking to the bathroom without waiting for an answer.
I don't close the door, I leave it open and I wave my hand at the redhead on the other side of the room. Yes, I could just walk to her but she's with her... boyfriend? I don't know.
I might look like a crazy person but I don't stop waving my hand in front of me and hissing her name like I'm doing something wrong.
She takes a moment but her blue eyes land on me and she tilts her head in confusion. I gesture her to come with me and she mouths "What?!"
"Please." I say, only moving my lips.
Aurora takes pity of me and walks to me– not before rolling her eyes and looking annoyed because I interrupted her. She intimidates me. So fucking much that I feel my hands shaking as I wait for her. She looks scary sometimes, I don't doubt she will kick my ass for what I did to her sister. Maybe I shouldn't have called her in a bathroom where we are completely alone, right? Fuck.
Too late because Aurora Bennett is now entering the bathroom, wearing skinny jeans and a long white sweater, wrapping her arms over her chest like she's cold.
"What do you want?" her voice is sharp but I stand straighter and look at her intense blue eyes.
"I... uh, I wanted to know if, um... If Summer is okay?" I fight the urge to run and hide for all the eternity. Who needs a degree, right?
Aurora's gaze softens for a small second before she raises her brows to me and rolls her eyes– again. "Why don't you ask her yourself?"
Yup. Should've seen that one coming. "We... I just, I haven't seen her in days and she hasn't texted. I'm just worried and... you're here." I swallow the knot in my throat, not breaking eye contact with the oldest Bennett girl.
Aurora sighs and runs a hand through her hair. "She's... at home, resting."
"Resting? Why?" I hear my heart thundering in my ears. "It's raining, why aren't you with her?" why the fuck did I just say that?
Aurora presses her lips together, repressing a smile. Why is she smiling? "My moms are with her. She's fine, if you want to see her, you can go to my house. You know where it is."
"But what happened?" I insist, hating myself for how desperate I sound.
Aurora narrows her blue eyes at me and crosses her arms over her chest, brows raised at me.
"You know, Willow. If you ever, ever hurt my sister, I'll kill you. My family will help, you know that, right?" she says with a serious face, and I nod. I totally believe her.
"Good. You can go see her. She passed out a few days ago, moms took her to the hospital. She was there for two days and now she's at home. Resting, she's fine."
I freeze, searching for something in her eyes that tells me she's joking, but she's not.
Without saying anything, I run past her, and I leave without even looking back.
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song: Amelie by Gracie Abrams.