"There's definitely an increased Imperial presence now but it doesn't look like they're settling down here too much," says Cere. She and Cal are standing just inside the main door, briefing Merrin and Greez on what they observed on their way back when Ilyana returns to the common area
"That could mean their only interest must have been the other Jedi," Merrin surmises. "They may not be looking our way at all."
"I agree," says Cal. "I think we should head out now while their focus is still on the surface."
"That's a good idea," says Cere.
"Where are we going?" Asks Greez but Cal doesn't answer. He has just noticed movement on the far side of the room and turns to see Ilyana walking towards him. He smiles at the sight of her, cleaned up and mostly unharmed from the earlier scuffle but before he can say anything she walks directly to him and wraps her arms around him.
Merrin crosses her arms, satisfied that Ilyana is not trying to hide her feelings anymore while Greez is surprised that she would do something so openly. Up till now there had been no outward change in their behavior towards each other. The only one truly surprised by this was Cere. She had been concerned that they may be growing too attached but not in such a way as this.
Ilyana releases him and takes a step back and says, "I'm glad you didn't die."
"See, I knew you worried," Cal says with a crooked grin.
"Don't let it go to your head," she scoffs then bumps his shoulder with hers as she steps past and takes her rifle down from the wall. Without another word she heads back to the engine room to clean the dust and grime out of the rifle.
They all watch Ilyana leave but Cere is the first to turn back to Cal, her hands on her hips and a disapproving look on her face. She starts to speak but Merrin cuts in.
"When did this happen?" Merrin asks, not bothering to cover the humor in her voice and enjoying the incredibly uncomfortable look on Cal's face.
"Well..." Cal begins awkwardly but Greez cuts him off.
"After Abednedo," Greez cuts in.
"How do you know.." Cal asks but again Greez stops him with a wave of his hand.
"Don't ask," he says and changes the subject. "Hey, where are we going now? We gotta get moving before the Empire shows up here."
"Bogano," Cal says without hesitation.
"Bogano?" Cere asks. "Why?"
"I made a promise," Cal offers as the only explanation as he walks to the kitchen. Cere follows him and waits till he finishes pouring himself some water.
"Cal, this is a bad idea," she begins, urgently as he drinks, rather annoyed at how causal he is behaving. "It is dangerous for any Jedi to..."
"I know," Cal says, not hiding his concern. "Trust me. I...I know."
"Does she?" Cere asks, finally getting him to lock eyes with her. They stare at each other for a moment that feels like it stretches on for ages and just when Cere is sure he's going to say something more, he steps past her and joins Greez in the cockpit as the ship jumps to hyperspace.
The soft blue and white glow of hyperspace streaming through the single porthole barely illuminates Merrin and Cere's cabin but flickers gently off the gray walls and ceiling. Normally the glow is soothing, but tonight Cere can't sleep. She lies in her bunk, staring up at the platform above that supports Merrin's bunk. Too many thoughts keep moving through her head.
She worries about Cal and if he is growing too attached to Ilyana. How much could that compromise him? Could the threat of losing her eventually be enough to send him down the path to the Dark Side? Attachments are always a risk for Jedi. The thought of losing another Jedi to the Dark Side, of becoming what Trilla had become, crushes her. Trilla. Her padawan who she thought she was protecting had fallen into the hands of the Empire. Tortured, corrupted, twisted by the Empire into a monster, into an Inquisitor, Second Sister. She had failed to protect her during the Purge, failed to bring her back when they had infiltrated the Fortress, and watched her fall to Darth Vader's blade. Would she fail Cal too?
Forced into the life of a child soldier during the Clone Wars, Cal seems to feel that he must make up for his years of hiding on Bracca by continuing to fight. He knows there's more to being a Jedi than being a weapon but can't seem to see any other path forward. But how long can they fight? How much can they truly accomplish in the face of something as tremendous as the Empire? They must find a way to lay a foundation for future Jedi. Something that can truly endure after they are gone.
Her mind wanders to Quinlan. How many others out there are doing what he does? Is there a way to save the Jedi Order from the shadows? When the holocron was destroyed, she had lost her purpose. She had followed Cal from one mission to the next as he tried to hurt the Empire in any way he could but how much had they actually accomplished? The Inquisition is still going strong, Ilyana is proof of that.
Cere had to admit that Cal had been right to send Adia away. It wasn't safe on their ship. Not as long as he insisted on continuing to fight. She had hoped that this diversion from attacking fuel depots and interrupting supply lines would have given him the chance to reassess their purpose but, as he had said himself, it had only made him more determined.
She throws her hands up and rubs at the pain growing in her temples then finally gives up trying to sleep. She sits up and plants her bare feet flat on the floor beside her bunk. Meditating is usually the first thing she does when thoughts are bothering her like this but right now her body needs to move so she stands, peers out the porthole for a moment then walks quietly out of the room.
In the hallway she pauses listening to the sounds of the ship then takes a step through the open door to the engine room. Cal is asleep alone in his cot. For a moment she considers waking him to try again to change his mind, change his course but instead turns away and walks to the common area.
Only two or three steps into the galley she comes to an abrupt stop. She is not the only one unable to sleep. Ilyana stands at the holotable, her back to Cere, looking at the holoprojection of a planet. She presses a button and the image crackles, dissolves then reforms into the image of another planet. Cere watches as Ilyana repeats this several times, each new planet illuminating the room, and with each new planet Cere becomes more and more suspicious. What is she doing? What is she looking for? Was I right from the beginning and this person, this Purge Trooper cannot be trusted? What would her betrayal do to Cal? She curses herself for letting her guard down because it would only take one moment, one decision, one action to destroy everything they have. As these thoughts run through her mind the familiar feeling of fear and anger rises inside of her and threatens to take control. In that one overwhelming moment she doesn't notice that the images have stopped changing and Ilyana is looking directly at her. Cere's breath catches in her throat.
"I thought I felt someone watching me," Ilyana sighs. "You're as tense as a Skungus. Is something wrong?"
"What are you doing?" Cere asks so coldly it came out as a demand.
Ilyana turns away and stares pensively at the planet glowing above the holotable, "I was thinking about something Seventh Sister said to me back on the cruiser. Things she could only know if she had read my file...my whole file. I've tried not to think about it; figured the Empire purged the files long ago. I assumed there was nothing left or that it was buried so deep that no one would know it had ever been there."
Cere approaches slowly while Ilyana speaks, stealing a glance at the weapons rack to be sure the rifle is still securely locked in place.
"But somewhere out there is a record of my planet," Ilyana continues, "and Seventh Sister knows where it is."
Her voice is so genuine and honest that Cere realizes the threat she had perceived was merely her own fear. This woman is truly as lost in the galaxy as the rest of them.
"She didn't tell you the name of your planet?" Cere asks, relaxing slightly.
"No."
"But she was able to bring up feelings you had managed to put behind you."
Ilyana nods.
"She was probably just trying to manipulate you," Cere offers.
"Probably but...but she knew enough," she continues, her voice becoming more hopeful and determined. "That means the files aren't gone. They're still in a database somewhere. If I could just..."
"Don't do it," Cere interrupts firmly, breaking Ilyana's train of thought. "You'll just get yourself killed."
Ilyana stares at Cere, both surprised and confused at the uncharacteristic show of concern.
"You almost sound like you care," Ilyana says as she turns away and takes a seat on the sofa. At first she puts her feet up on the low table but almost immediately removes them again at the thought of Greez chiding her.
Cere shrugs and takes a seat on the sofa opposite Ilyana. "Only enough to not want to see you dead."
"How touching," Ilyana retorts with a sideways glance and Cere laughs gently. "What did she want? The Inquisitor. Was she looking for Cal, this ship or trying to turn you into an Inquisitor too?
Illyana shakes her head, "No, I don't think so. I think she was just...angry."
"And wanted to punish you for defecting."
"I've been through things meant to destroy me before. I'll get through this too."
"There is something you should know," Cere changes the subject reluctantly. "It's... it's dangerous for Jedi to form attachments. In the old order, Jedi were not allowed to have families and discouraged from any romantic entanglements. They can lead to jealousy, greed, and fear, which can cause a Jedi to lose sight of their greater purpose. Worse, the fear of losing someone they love can be enough to cause a Jedi to fall to the Dark Side. I don't want that for Cal," she finishes imploringly then turns away almost as if embarrassed for having said it.
In her time with Cal and Cere, Ilyana has finally come to accept that the Jedi are definitely not what the Imperial propaganda claimed, but also that she has barely scratched the surface of what they are and what they had lost when the Order fell. Cere is clearly a woman trying to save the last remnants of her people and Ilyana feels for her.
"I didn't know that," Ilyana offers, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees, her hands drooping gently toward the deck.
Cere shakes her head but remains staring at the floor, "There's no way you could."
"Your suspicions are right, though. He is attached. Just not to me."
Cere looks up at her curiously, "He broke onto an Inquisitor's ship to get you back."
"Yeah, that's what he does. But it's you he's attached to, Cere... and Merrin and Greez. He would do anything for any of you and would do anything to protect you."
Cere sighs and looks away as if her fears had been confirmed.
"I know."
"I also think you're more attached than you're willing to admit, if I may be so bold?" Ilyana continues.
"You may not," Cere replies sharply.
"I didn't say anything," Ilyana comes back quickly causing Cere to break into a soft laugh.
"I'm going to sleep," Cere says, coming wearily to her feet. "I suggest you do the same."
Ilyana watches Cere leave and finds herself left alone with her thoughts again. She stares at the planet glowing softly above the holomap table. Attachment. Attachment to the world she lost could put her life at risk and to what end? What would she accomplish by finding it again? Even if they are still alive, even if they recognized her, she would never know the people she forgot. The only thing to be done for them now is stop the Empire from doing further harm to the galaxy. But how? Abednedo showed her she had a long way to go before she is ready to take go up against an Inquisitor. And what does that mean for this crew? She isn't actually a part of the crew, she knows that, but she is getting too accustomed to them being around. Especially Cal. If attachment is a risk then her attachment, reliance on him is a risk as well.
Going out there now, without more information, only puts us at more risk, Merrin's words come back to her.
The closer she gets to them the harder it will be to not make a rash decision to protect them.
She stands and rubs her face. It doesn't really make sense to her. She can understand how searching for her home can put her at risk but how can attachment to the people here and now truly be a risk? approaches the table. With the press of a few buttons the planet disappears and the common area is plunged into darkness, only the soft light of hyperspace barely illuminating the room.
"Cere said it's dangerous for Jedi to get attached," Ilyana says, breaking the near silence of the engine room. She sits crossed legged on her cot opposite Cal who is sitting on the tangle of pipes running along the other wall. Apart from the engine's hum, the ship is quiet. The others have long since gone to sleep.
"It can be," he answers.
"She said it exposes you to the Dark Side, but I don't understand why."
"When you get attached to someone, you fear losing them and that fear can drive you to do anything, even terrible things, to save them. So, generally, it's best to not become attached at all. That way loss doesn't consume you."
"That makes it sound like Jedi aren't supposed to care about others? I've only known you and Cere but you seem to be the opposite."
Cal runs a hand through his hair, "We care. Compassion is a central pillar of what we believe. It's why we do what we do; why Cere and I fight the Empire: to help others."
"It just doesn't make sense to me. I lost my attachments when I lost my memories yet I did terrible things," Ilyana says with a shake of her head as if to shake away the memory and shame of those things. "Would those attachments have changed things? If I had been able to remember the people I lost would I have made different decisions?"
"I don't know for sure," says Cal. "It could be possible. We always have a choice but pain, anger, fear: they can be overwhelming and I think the Force can make them even more overwhelming."
They sit quietly for a moment, both staring at the floor, lost in thought.
"Then why take the risk?"
"You mean the other night?"
"Yes."
"Who said I'm attached?"
Ilyana squints at him with mock annoyance and he smiles.
"We live dangerous lives, Cal," she continues, "and we could lose them at any time."
"I know," he says.
"I don't want to be the reason you're in danger."
"I know."
"Why then? Why take the risk?"
Cal sighs, he had thought about this several times since the night they were together and now it was finally clear to him. The years he 'd spent in hiding on Bracca had made him feel like he was no longer a Jedi. He's come a long way since, Cere even knighted him, but despite everything he still felt he had a long way to go.
"When I was a youngling back at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, one of the other Knights told me that a Jedi's duty was to the galaxy and its people above all else and that having attachments distracts us from that responsibility. I lost my way for a long time. I think I'm still trying to find it again," he finally admits to himself.
"That I can understand. In order to survive in the Empire, I had to keep everyone at a distance. If I got close, I risked exposing myself. It was safer to stay focused on my own goals. It is a lonely way to live though. Promise me something, though Promise me you'll never lose your light," she says, the sincerity in voice undeniable. "There are too few people like that left in the galaxy."
Cal locks eyes with her and nods, "I promise."
Ilyana drops her gaze to her hands, folded in her lap, and takes a deep breath before continuing.
"I'm leaving," she says. "I don't know when or why. I just know I have to go."
"I know," Cal nods.
"Goodnight...Jedi," she says, returning the nod.
"Goodnight," he says with a smile at her affectionate use of the word 'Jedi', so different from how she had used it in the past. He rises from his perch on the pipes and climbs the ladder back to the upper level.