Uh, Hey everyone....so I know I haven't posted anything in quite a while now....um....I thought you guys should know why.
Before that
I have to say I'm sorry I haven't posted and I know whatever was said below doesn't amount to a good enough excuse as to why I can post or haven't posted in a while....but I'm sorry...I truly am with all my being, so very sorry. I hope you readers can find it in your hearts....in your minds to forgive my selfishness....and know chapters are on the way hopefully, I have the ideas for them written out, I just need to actually write them.
So if you guys don't know, or may not have guessed. I'm a senior in high school right now, and I graduate in may. So I've been really stressed this year, and I'm only on the second semester. I had the first semester of my senior year and that was a wild ride. I have two major classes English IV, and Government that I am supposed to/required to take so I can graduate. I also apparently needed another science credit so now I'm in chemistry...but anyway...I passed English IV with an A, which is honestly amazing because it's supposed to be a really hard class, cause it's prepping you for college but I like English class so it was really easy for me.
So now I am in my second semester....and I have government and chemistry in the same semester....and nd you might think oh it's not bad-I mean it's not-uhhhmm....but like...the classes are not hard it's just you have to pay attention in them and I do...but in government..it's easy or should be cause you go over everything you need to know for the unit...and then review but the thing that's scaring me is....every exam is like 90 points or 100 points and I know you might be thinking oh really it's not bad....and I know but....I'm not good at remembering some stuff like I'm a really good student but....the questions and everything we go over are worded completely different on the test than the review and all the slides of notes we look over....and although I do know what some of the questions are asking it's like....I dont know half the stuff the paper is asking....if that makes sense. So im not doing to good in that class....and I'm afraid I'll just keep getting bad exam scores and I'll just end up with a disappointing grade when I know I can do better. And the teacher does not help with his constant reminders to go over things and his very targeted comments (towards me). Like I know I need to study more, I have studied my ass off for every test...it's not my fault everything is worded completely different from how we learned it...and I'm not the only one who has complained to him about the questions on the exam being different than what we have learned...multiple students and classmates of mine have complained about it....yet he hasn't seemed to change anything.
I'm sorry if this is not what you were expecting me to be talking about but this is serious stuff guys...and chemistry class....like I do not really like science even though I'm apparently really good at it... is not all that easy either, I'm doing okay in that class though so I don't really worry about it. But anyway...I've just been worrying myself over if I'm graduating or not and I've talked to my school counselor about it she said I'll graduate with 4 extra credits which surprised the hell out of me....but I'm still worried and still stressing.
I know this isn't something to be not posting chapters over but it's not just my classes I'm worried about....like I also have a life and people don't seem to get that either. I can't help but feel I'm ranting, but I need to get these thoughts off my chest to someone....and it might as well be those of you who care....
Obviously nobody tells people this stuff when they are in the teenage years of out life but.....life as a whole....is shit.
I could go on and on about how my life is shitty and always has been but then what good is that doing me. I found out this year or well just this school year in general that life isn't what it's cracked up to be. I literally had a meltdown in my 3D art class junior year because I was worried about a fucking statue of the joker I was making. I was worrying about not being able to get it done, and painted by the end of the semester but I did....and I didn't even have the melt down because of that...the statue is just what caused me to finally break.
All the shit I've been worried about including the stuff in the meltdown that caused me to freak the fuck out and cry in front of my two bestfriends....was because of life. Now I'm not gonna say that everyone has to believe this because ya'll can believe whatever the hell you want, you are your own person with your own ideas and thoughts and your own feelings...but I found out the meaning of life...and now I know what your thinking..."like wtf are you talking about, no you didn't you fucking idiot". But no I did. Well at least people I look up to did. If you didn't know or don't know who sam and colby are go check them out, I recommend watching there latest series on the actual conjuring house because if your not a believer in ghosts or anything you will be when you finish that. Now I've always been a huge supernatural fan, and the fact I love ghosts helps my passion for watching them so much more greater, and obviously I'm biased because I love them and trust them so much....like there is no way they fake anything if you don't believe them that's okay, but no possible way they have fake anything in there career. Anyway they found out the meaning of life is love...and you can choose to believe it or not but I do....
Like if you think about it...if everyone just loved or at least liked eachother....there would be no hate in the world...nobody would be discriminating anyone or hating anyone for there preferences. Now I had an advanced art class my 1st semester of senior year....let me tell you something.....I scared myself....because the way I view the world....isn't something a teenager at the age of 17 should view it. You know I should think the world is how it is, okay not everything will go my way but I gotta stay positive...right....right?.....no. There are like seven art pieces I put in the art show the school had....and then put in the art show my class as a whole had to do. We each had to make an art show featuring the things we made in our advanced art class, so all of us girls in my class which was me my bestie, and 3 other girls, decided to have one together to help each other out....it went great...somone wanted to buy an art piece I made....but they haven't gotten back to me about it so now it's collecting dust....anyway....2 out of those seven art pieces showed how really warped I see the world...I guess it's only warped to those who see my art as something horror esque....I can't help it thought I'm just good at drawing creepy shit....but anyway....the person who owned the studio came up to me and said he was going around and asking the students how they made there art and the thought process behind them. He really like 3 of the seven which was the one I was hoping to sell and then 2 others that actually go together.
The pieces that go together are named....rather uniquely...1 is named someone needs to drag me back to hell, and the 2nd is named I'm watching the world burn itself. The reason I made them isn't because I just have a dark view on the world but because I know what the world is really like. As I was explaining why i made these 2 art pieces he really enjoyed how I talked about them and like the ideas and thoughts ideas was trying to come across with, with the art pieces and he said something like. "Your very mature for your age, cause usually people don't see the world like you do until like 30's or 40's to 50 years old, and I think that's very different and very good thing to have" Because I had told him the reason why I made the pieces and when I was explaining I said "I know that the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows and that life isn't gonna go the way everyone wants it to...because it's not fair, life isn't fair". And you can take those how you will but it's true....life is not fair, and it will kick your ass any moment you let it.(If you want to see the art pieces I'm talking about just message me, and I'll explain my thought process behind them...only if you wish to know why he made such a big deal about them)
I don't really know what im getting at here but....I'm suffering....and I.....dont know how to cope right now.....sure I'm really happy because I'm around things/people I know can make me happy, and I put myself in situations (ex. Watch Sam and colby-or my fav youtubers) to make myself happy....because if I don't then I start to think and when I think.....a lot of doubts enter my mind.....like my bestie...she's been with me since freshmen year....and when I'm alone....and im in my depressed state of mind....my thoughts go to doubts and i start thinking how she doesn't actually want to be friends with me, and she's just friends with me cause she feels bad, and she's not. We're friends because we get each other... she knows my doubts and worries....and she's okay with them....cause she knows I was hurt in the past by certain people I thought were my friends....and she knows....we just get each other I guess. She knows I would never ever hurt her....like I don't have it in my physical/mental being to hurt her (if your reading bestie boo, I'm sorry i ran over your foot with gym equipment) and when the doubts come then so does my negative thoughts....the thoughts that make me question why I'm actually here...like living. The thoughts that make me cry myself to sleep and the thoughts that love to work there way into my brain when i least expect it....it would say it's not fair....but some part of me wonders if I deserve it....maybe if I would have been the goody two shoes girly girly for the rest of my life then i wouldn't have to deal with all these negative thoughts and feelings when I'm by myself and alone with my thoughts.....maybe i deserve them because I'm not good enough, or I don't try to be nice enough....maybe I deserve them because of how big of an asshole I am sometimes....theirs always the little things and thoughts that make me question if I deserve them or not.....I probably do.....
Maybe I deserve the late night whispers my brain thinks up about how I'll never find someone to love me...you know maybe I deserve the whisps of mean thoughts my mind tries to make me think about my body.....maybe just maybe I deserve the torment, and the heartache my mind puts me through knowing I'll never meet the fictional characters I so wish to console and comfort, telling them it's gonna be okay....
Sincerely,
-Royalroze33