"Kie, I don't want to," I stated honestly, refusing to give into her puppy dog eyes as she attempted to convince me and JJ to make up.
"C'mon, it's been weeks since anyone has talked to each other, we're pogues, Khali."
"No." I went back to scrolling through my phone, letting my feet dip into the sand of Rodanthe beach. The waves whooshed against the shore deeply, setting the tone of a relaxed environment, except for the fact that Kie had been tugging my arm the entire time to bother me about JJ.
"Dude, just listen to me, this isn't good for any of you."
I paused to drop my phone momentarily, "He's a douche."
"He is, but he's our friend—"
"Yeah? Couldn't really tell if you were friends or not by the way you guys have been so close, recently."
She stood stunned, almost oblivious to how overwhelmingly obvious their little show had been. "Khalia, it's not what it looks like."
"It isn't? Hmm." I put my hand to my chin, letting my curious facade drop and hardening my face. "Couldn't tell."
"Khalia, this isn't the time for us to be fighting."
"Trust me, I know. I mean, John B's dead and look at us, we're all just in our own little worlds, when weeks ago we swore it wouldn't happen. None of you," I pointed harshly at her, watching her flinch in response, "checked on me and then got pissed when I wouldn't text. The phone works both ways, Kie."
"Unbelievable." She sighed, shaking her head and turning away from me to walk back to her flip flops embedded within the sand.
"And there you go again," she turned around to face me, as I called to her, "walking away."
"Yeah," she flared her nose, tightening her fists on each side, "I am."
I moved in her direction, shoving her with my shoulder as I bent down to slip my shoes on. How ironic was it that when John B was gone, everything had gone to shit, although he claimed it was because of him that our life was so crazy.
Crazy? Yes. Shitty? Nah.
My phone dinged, interrupting the staring contest between me and Kie. I sighed heavily, pulling it out to check and see what it was about.
252-310-1024
Meet @ Oden's.
Me
Who is this?
252-310-1024
Rafe
Me
Busy.
Rafe
No ur not, island club is closed
on sundays.
Me
What time?
Rafe
Now.
I sent a thumbs up, trying to avoid conversation with him as much as possible.
"Who was it?"
"None of your business." I strapped my duffel bag along my shoulder, beginning to abandon Kie who looked upset.
"Khalia, I'm sorry."
"We can talk about it another time, I don't really want to talk with you at all right now."
—
"What do you want?" I said dully, standing with my hand on my hip and the other looped around the strap of my bag.
His presence was much more intimidating considering the fact he had now seen every inch of my body.
"Tell your boyfriend to lay off the spray paint, yeah?"
"What the hell are you even talking about, now?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, flattening my lips.
"This morning, your little friends decided to decorate the front of my house." His voice had a gravel layer to it, rumbling in unison with the splashes of the waves against the dock.
"Well, what do you expect me to do?"
"I dunno, maybe keep a leash on them?" he said as if I had asked the dumbest question in the world, resting his hand on the wooden post of the dock.
"Is that all, then?" I had asked, eager for our time to be over and me to be able to go back to a Rafe-free day.
He let out a small scoff, wiping the side of his mouth slowly and tensing his jaw. "Is that all?" he repeated incredulously and he took his hand off the post.
"Rafe, I really can't do this right now." I admitted, weakly setting my bag down and leaning against the wooden post side by side with him.
"You can't do this right now? What do you mean?" obviously revving up to get into an argument with me, but the way I hugged my arms across myself showed a contrast to his emotion.
His anger dwindled slightly, and he looked at me weirdly, as if he was trying to decide what would be the most distant move to make.
"I mean, I should be so, so angry at you right now and..." I trailed off, failing to meet his burning gaze and I sighed heavily to myself, letting my shoulders fall.
"I'm not."
He nodded lazily, taking my words half heartedly and biting his lip.
"I should hate you, I mean really hate you. I should want to ruin your life and out you to everyone in Kildare. Right? That's the right thing to do." I talked aloud to myself and Rafe, looking across the waters.
"If you want me to... I can keep quiet about it." My mention of yesterday brought back his full attention, wordlessly communicating with him through my eyes that now fell on him.
"Yeah."
"We can pretend it never happened, go back to not knowing each other." I added, going to grab my bag and breathing out through my mouth in an attempt to stabilize myself.
"I don't really know what to do about those two, though," I said honestly, licking the bottom of my lips, "they're hurt, Rafe. I mean, we all are."
"You don't think I feel bad, too? I mean, what about me? I was only—"
"I know you think you did the right thing, but..." I simply shook my head, running a hand through my hair and letting it fall back in place softly. "They won't ever understand it."
Rafe had never been one to be so scarily quiet, always the one to yell out in disagreement or ignore whatever felt wrong to him. This time, he only stood there and avoided my gaze. Who would've thought I'd be in the midst of a deep conversation with Rafe Cameron?
Suddenly there was a rip in our silence, "No, you know what, they need to pay for what they did. Yeah, yeah that's right. They- they think they can just come up in figure 8 and run their mouth—"
"Stop."
"I'll just kill them, all of them."
The abrupt turn in our understanding took me off guard, and I didn't know how to handle the situation at all.
"Rafe, hear yourself—"
His hand flashed to grasp the sides of my face in fury, as his face hovered over mine. "No, no. Stop defending them!"
"Rafe, stop please!" My hands slapped over his, feeling the cold touch of his ring and my breath caught somewhere along the path in my throat.
"You keep defending them, K. You don't know what's right. I have my shit down, okay?!"
Being around him was like walking on eggshells, draped over coals: you had to tread carefully, and suck your breath in as it burned you.
"You're scaring me."
His hold loosened, rendering him weak and he looked stranded in a storm of different emotions.
I saw a flicker of guilt, but a flood of frustration.
His hand was still placed upon each side of my cheek, pinching it lightly and he was so close I could hear the thunder of his heartbeat.
Instead of saying anything, he let go of my face and swiveled away from my direction, yelling out before he punched a sign that was attached to a pole.
A few minutes of uncomfortable silence passed, while I watched him pace the dock.
"Why are you still here?! Why aren't you hauling ass back to the cut where you and your junkie friends belong?"
He dug deeply into my stare, picking at every movement I had made to try and figure me out.
I had never thought of a world where I would be so useless in front of someone, much less Rafe. What could I do? My words would never reach him, while his would wreck me entirely.
Never had I been in a situation where I had wanted to hate someone, yet comfort them all at once.
What side was I on? I didn't know.
"Why are you being so mean?" and my voice had echoed weakly, while my heart shattered like a little girl's.
The tiring feeling of the week finally came to settle itself across my shoulders, and I felt like I could crumble into the oak of the dock at that moment. Disappear for just a short while, until I was ready to be me again.
"I'm the only one here talking to you about it, y'know." His lip curled, and he locked into his position over the edge of the water. "If it were the others, they wouldn't listen to an inch of whatever bullshit you'd spew," I wanted my words to hurt him much more than his did mine.
"I had my reasons, K."
"You did?" I asked sarcastically, stomping back up to him and ignoring the scraping of my sandals against the panels of the dock.
"Yeah, I did." He mirrored my movements, inching closer until he towered over me completely.
We breathed in unison, and I could feel us growing closer ever so slightly. I almost let myself slip from my morals, almost let him take me completely right there on the dock and by the way his breaths deepened, I could tell he almost did too.
But I was Khalia, and he was Rafe.
I was Pogue, and he was Kook.
I let my hand meet his chest, moving my head down to avoid his stare of disappointment. "I have to go."
His head dipped down with mine, letting his newfound bangs knock against my forehead.
I walked away before he could wrap me in his stare, and before he could convince me to leave everything behind with just one look.
I had promised myself this would be nothing, just a mere moment that my impulse would have taken over. Yet, I couldn't stop my heart from pounding when he had been just... so close.
What had I gotten myself into?
—
"Hey."
I nodded in reply to JJ, trying to buffer the awkwardness of our current situation. Kie had thought it would be good for us to all join together in surfing, like old times.
My board had suffered throughout the summer of 2020 in Kildare's stormiest season of the year. That, and the fact that I couldn't help myself from going out at least once a night for a couple hours of alone time on the beach.
"Okay, guys, we cool now?" Kie asked, looking between me and JJ, who couldn't really easily stay in the same vicinity without becoming uncomfortable.
"You cool?"
"Ya." I replied shortly, ignoring their stares and wiping down the sand from my board. "What?" I looked back up to see their gaze upon me, and Pope looked equally as confused.
"Is that a...?"
"No, that is."
"What the hell are you guys even talking about?"
"Khalia, is that a hickey?"
My breath hitched, and I instinctively slapped my hand across my neck to hide anything that could've been visible, though I hadn't remembered anything being there last night.
"No, on your..." Kie trailed off, pointing at her chest and I slid my hand down quickly.
JJ remained quiet, obviously pissed about the entire thing and I avoided him throughout the entire encounter.
I coughed, trying my best to move the conversation on, "It's whatever, you guys ready?" I slapped my board, untying my hair and letting it fall down to cover my chest.
"Uh, yeah, if you tell us who you've been getting down with," Pope replied, laughing with Kie who slapped his shoulder.
"Ow, the hell was that for?"
The two went back and forth for some time, thankfully taking some of the burning spotlight off of me.
JJ and me were now standing across from one another, as Pope and Kie turned it up a notch with their bickering.
"Who, uh, gave you that?" JJ fiddled with the toothpick placed between his lips, letting it twirl over and over.
"Uh, no one important."
"Hm."
"Let's go before the waves die down!" Kie flipped her hair up into a ponytail, shuffling her shorts down and throwing them to the side.
"Agreed." I breathed out, desperate to leave JJ alone and get far away from the awkward realization that Rafe Cameron had left a mark on me for basically the world to see.