A new year, new semester, a new start. Again.
At least, that's what I had tried to convince myself. I had a few new classes this semester, including an art class. I was looking forward to spending some time (forcing myself) to do the things I cared about. My parents gifted me a giant new sketchbook for the holidays. I wanted to fill it quickly, looking at the blank pages filled me with guilt. I had been so quiet and distant from my family over the last few months that they hardly tried to make an effort to connect with me at all.
I accepted my loneliness. This was the plan after all. I meant to keep to myself at the new school, to not let anyone in. Look at what a mistake it was to make friends.
Since my brother was soon to graduate, we would probably be moving just as soon anyway. I just had to make it to summer.
I spent the majority of the winter break either working at a restaurant down town, or hiding in my room. I had saved up almost enough for the down payment on a used car. I thought about what kind of vehicle I might be driving come summer time when I heard an almost drilling sound.
Bzz-bzz. Bzz-bzz.
My mom recently got herself a new phone, handing down her old one to me. I never used one much before, I never had the need, but seeing as I would be driving and away from home more often, my parents wanted me to be able to check in or call for help. It was a pretty popular model a few years ago, and it wouldn't be my mom's if she didn't cover the case in bling. The pink and silver rhinestones coated the entirety of the outside and inside the flip phone were never ending traces of glitter. Anything my mom touched, sparkled soon after.
Bzz-bzz. Bzz-bzz.
I pulled the small wire cord out of the phone, a green light flashed to indicate a full battery. I opened the phone to see why it was buzzing, the hinges creaked. The small digital screen light up a picture of an envelope that read New Message! I couldn't think of anyone who would know my phone number. But I did know a few people who I prayed would never know it. As I hesitated, I heard Hannah's car pull up out front and honk. Shoving the phone in my pocket, I gave my pet cat a kiss on his round fuzzy head and ran out to the car.
Only Hannah and her little sister were in the car today, a wave of relief came over me. No more snide Katie comments, she was given her own car as a sweet-sixteen gift. The car ride was a bit quieter, only the voices over the radio talked. Jules did her homework in the front seat, Hannah sang quietly along to the music, and I decided to check that new message after all:
'Hey. I know u dont know me. But I saw you around school and wanted to say hi'
Who could this be? Should I reply? Is it some kind of trick? My anxiety rose to the surface yet. Then again, it was only a text message. It couldn't actually hurt me. At this point, talking to one new person can't change that much.
'Hey' I replied, snapping my phone closed. I exhaled quickly through my nose, rolling my shoulders back and down. I tried to release some tension.
Bzz-bzz. They responded already.
Hello :) Ur a sophomore right? Did you go here last year?
Yes, are you?
I'm a Junior. Did u just move?
Over the summer, yeah.
Thats cool. Where r u from?
All over. I move a lot. You?
Lived here forever.
I'm not sure what it was, but I found my self sending them messages all day. I kept my phone hidden under my desk, behind books, and tucked into my jacket. I learned a lot about them: the mystery texter was a boy, he was seventeen, and his name was Anthony.
We exchanged messages until I fell asleep. We carried on like this for the next few days, a nonstop barrage of digital letters. The small talk didn't last long. Everything about his energy seemed to comfort me, even though I wasn't seeing him in person. We opened up about almost everything; he told me that he had played baseball his entire life and didn't know what he would do if he had to stop, I told him how much I wanted to be an artist but was scared of not being good enough, Anthony told me about skateboarding with his best friend, and I told him how I happened to already know them.
Late one night, I found myself sitting in bed with the blanket over my head, giggling like a little kid as Anthony told me how the wind blew a cup off of his windowsill and spilled an abnormally large cup of milk all over his bed.
My phone went quiet as he cleaned the mess. Just then, I felt a tugging on the blanket. I peaked out at my dark room and couldn't make out any shapes. As I squinted, a warm ball of fur plopped down in my legs. I scratched the fat cat's chin and he purred loudly, his little feet kneading my leg like dough. His eyes were closing, ready for sleep and reminding me to go to sleep to. But just as I laid my head on my pillow, my phone lit up one more time.
I hope this isn't weird to ask... Can I see u tomorrow?
I would really like that
Let's hang out at lunch. @ the art bldg
Deal : )
I cant wait <3
I could feel my cheeks turning red looking at his message. I squeezed my phone to my chest as if I could hug him through that tiny screen. My heart beat like a race horse. I was too excited to sleep.
***
Getting dressed that morning, I decided to dress to impress. Anthony had told me a small bit about his past relationships, knowing they were at our school, they were bound to be gorgeous. For the first time in my life, I was worried that some boy might not think I was pretty enough.
Pretty enough for what? My gut challenged me. Was I really getting a crush on this boy? I haven't even met him yet. I didn't know if I was ready to trust someone already, or ever again.
I already agreed to meet him- mind as well make it fun. I put on one of my newest outfits; black tights under light blue high waisted shorts with roses embroidered all over, a cream colored lace camisole, and my softest grey cardigan. The weather was supposed to be really nice today, breaking through the fog of winter and stepping into spring time's light. Even with the warmer days coming, I wanted to keep my arms covered. I didn't want Anthony to see what I had done to myself. I really did want him to like me.
One final touch before leaving home for the day- red lipstick. It was a true red, not too blue and not too pink. It was exactly the crayon red that colored in every little kid's rainbow drawings. And it was exactly the confidence boost I needed. It brought warmth to my fair skin and lit up my greenish eyes. I took a deep breath in the mirror, determined to make it a good day.
I counted down the minutes. In each of my classes, all I could do was stare at the hands of the clock ticking all too slow.
Then finally, the bell rang. With my books in hand, I bolted for the classroom door. I forced myself to slow my fast walking as best as I could. I bobbed and weaved through the crowd until I arrived in front of the art room. In the open air hallway were two metal picnic tables, gone unused in the rainy cold season. I placed my books on the rickety table and looked up at the cluttered sky. The cumulus clouds covered most of the sky but none looked heavy with rain, patches of a beautiful blue appeared more and more.
Slowly the white fluff parted and rays of light spilled into the small atrium. I has almost sat down, enjoying the sun on my skin, when I heard the flopping of tennis shoes hurrying down the hallway.
"Stephanie?" His voice was deep and with a gentle rasp, as if he had only just woken up. Warmth radiated off of Anthony, his skin was bronze from so many days playing baseball in the sun. His nose and cheeks were a bit pink, too. He smiled at me, his hazel eyes softening as he brush the dark curls of hair away from his forehead. He walked closer to me, fidgeting with his shirt that looked tight fitted around his large upper body muscles. The bottoms of his jeans were frayed from being dragged on the floor.
As he approached, I could hear my heart in my ears. He seemed to tense up as well, stuffing his hands into his front pockets and rocking back on his heels. He quickly bit his lip- it was so perfectly round and smooth, a deep shade of mauve. That was when I noticed his one crooked tooth, making his grin even more endearing. Now my heart was really pounding.
"You okay?" He asked coolly.
"Of course." I lied.
"You, uh, still wanted to hang out, right?"
"Yes!" Realizing how quiet I had been, admiring his physique, he must've felt so awkward. "It's really good to see you. And talk in person."
"Yeah. You have no idea."
He chuckled lightly, sitting beside me. He leaned back, resting his elbows on the edge of the table and crossing his outstretched legs. Anthony wasn't the tallest boy in school, but his legs sure were long. Standing up, I knew he would tower over me.
I tucked my hair behind my ears nervously. "So, how's your day going?"
"Good. You?" He nodded. Both of us hesitated to speak. I don't think I was ever so intimidated. What was he feeling?
We made awkward small talk for a little while, and stayed sitting in each other's company until it was time for class. He picked up my books and backpack, walking close beside me all the way to the math building. Opening the door, he followed me inside.
"This is my class." I said, waiting by the door.
He handed me my bag. "Steph, it was really good to see you."
I blushed.
"Have a good day. I'll talk to you later, alright?" Anthony reached down to give me a one armed hug. Taking a step back, he rubbed the back of his head with a content grin before he twisted around on his shoe and left the building. I watch through the glass on the door as his casual walk turned into a light skip.
I walked to my desk, overflowing with butterflies. Even after an awkward encounter, all I wanted was to spend more time with him.
For a moment, I tried to think rationally about why I was drawn to him, but then I felt my phone vibrate in the bottom of my backpack. I hid it underneath my desk to check the message
From Anthony:
I really wanted to kiss you.