The car ride home was silent. Lauren glanced over at Camila, knowing by the expression on the girl's face that she was thinking over everything in her head. Camila needed time to process everything, Lauren understood that.
Quietly, Lauren reached over and took Camila's hand in her own. The small girl looked up at Lauren before looking back down at their hands, feeling her girlfriend trace small circles on the back of her palm. It surprised her how just one simple touch could bring her so much comfort.
Once they pulled into her driveway, Lauren gave Camila's hand a light squeeze to let her know they had arrived home. The small girl looked up, glancing back and forth from Lauren to the house and smiling nervously when she saw multiple cars parked in the driveway.
"Shit," Lauren cursed under her breath. "My dad must have people over..." she bit her lip and studied her girlfriend's expression. Surprisingly, Camila put on a brave smile and squeezed Lauren's hand before slipping out of the car.
"We can just go upstairs," Lauren shook her head, catching up to Camila and following her up the path to the front door. "We don't have to-,"
"Cameeela!" Maggie smiled widely, pushing open the front door and running out to grab the older girl's hand. "Daddy's making hot dogs! Come on!"
Lauren was about to say something, but Camila glanced back at her and gave her an apologetic smile before following Maggie into the backyard. Lauren stood confused for a few seconds, quickly recomposing herself and jogging after Camila.
Lauren was quickly swept off to greet the family members that had come for dinner, but she continued to keep a watchful eye on Camila, who had been pulled into a game of keep-away with the younger kids.
Once Lauren was able to peel herself away from her relatives, she jogged over to the group of kids and gave Camila a small smile, motioning for her to come over. "Mind if I borrow her for a little bit?" she laughed, turning to Maggie, who nodded happily before returning to her game.
"Figured you could use a break," Lauren laughed softly when Camila looked at her in confusion. The small girl nodded in agreement. Sometimes Lauren knew her better than she knew herself.
Lauren grabbed Camila's hand, glancing behind them before leading her over to the treehouse in their backyard. She'd spent many days in there as a kid when she needed to get away and clear her head. Maybe it would do the same for Camila.
After climbing up into the treehouse, Lauren offered a hand to Camila, who took it tediously. Lauren laid back on the wooden floor and stared up at the roof, turning to look at Camila who sat quietly next to her. She realized the girl hadn't spoken a word since they got in the car.
"What're you thinking about?" Lauren asked quietly, reaching out and lacing their fingers together. Camila glanced down at her girlfriend, biting her lip and looking down at their hands.
"Was it my fault?" the small girl finally spoke, filling the empty air. Lauren instantly sat up, tilting her head to the side.
"What?" the green eyed girl asked. Camila shrugged and shook her head, trying to dismiss her question. Of course, Lauren wouldn't allow that to happen.
"No, what?" Lauren asked quietly, tugging on Camila's hand. "I wanna know what's on your mind."
The brown eyed girl sighed heavily and looked back at Lauren, pausing for a moment. "Why?" Camila whispered. Lauren opened her mouth to speak, but Camila shook her head, causing Lauren to quickly clamp her jaw shut.
"Why did her hate me?" Camila spoke up, furrowing her eyebrows. "Why did he hurt me? What did I do wrong?" her voice cracked slightly and Lauren immediately shook her head, scooting forwards so she was facing Camila.
"It's not a matter of you, Camila," she whispered, reaching out to tilt Camila's head forwards. "Look at me, I want you to really hear this," she said quietly. Camila's eyes flickered up to meet hers and the girl offered her a small nod.
"You had no control over him. What he did? That was all him. You didn't ask for it. You didn't do anything that deserved what he did to you," Lauren took Camila's hands in both of hers, meeting her eyes. "What he did is only a reflection of himself. I guess that was his way of expressing his anger. A fucked up way, at that."
"People who aren't happy with themselves think it's their duty to drag everyone else down with them, too," Lauren explained, watching Camila's dark eyes flicker down to their hands.
"He was not happy?" Camila asked after a few moments of silence. She looked up at Lauren, who nodded softly. The small girl furrowed her eyebrows, unsure about how she felt about that. "Why?"
"There's no excuse for what he did," Lauren reinforced the fact. "From what I've heard from you, he seemed like a very unhappy person from the start. Maybe losing his sister and his wife just pushed him over the edge," she shrugged softly, making sure to watch Camila's expression closely.
"I feel bad..." Camila whispered, looking down at the ground and remaining silent for a few moments. "Maybe... maybe it was okay," she shrugged, glancing up at Lauren. She instantly regretted what she said when she saw her girlfriend's expression quickly change.
"He has no excuse for what he did," Lauren shook her head. "You were going through the exact same thing as he was at an even younger age, and you never resorted to violence like he did."
"But..." Camila whispered. She saw how serious Lauren grew, though, and quickly sighed in defeat. "It is just hard," she confessed, absentmindedly playing with Lauren's fingers.
"I know, babe," Lauren sighed, reaching up with her free hand to smooth out Camila's hair. "It doesn't go away overnight," she continued. "But one day, you're gonna wake up and realize that it's over. All those chains that were holding you down are going to be gone. And trust me, it's going to be the most refreshing feeling for you."
"And he may have had a bad post, but that's no excuse for him to throw those burdens on someone else," Lauren studied Camila's face. The small girl simply nodded, keeping her head hung down to the ground. A sudden realization hit Lauren.
"He blamed you for it... didn't he?" Lauren whispered. Camila froze, and Lauren immediately knew when the small girl's hand tensed in hers. Hesitantly, Camila looked up, giving Lauren a soft nod.
Seeing tears forming in her girlfriend's eyes, Lauren scooted next to her girlfriend and pulled her into her arms, allowing Camila to rest her head on her shoulder.
"It wasn't your fault," Lauren whispered, kissing the crown of Camila's head. "They loved you, Camila. They loved you so much. It's impossible not to," Lauren kept her arms wrapped tightly around her girlfriend. "They would never blame you for what happened and you shouldn't either."
Camila didn't respond, but Lauren knew she had already planted that seed of knowledge in the girl's brain. She just held her, being there for her in silence. They sat like that for a while, in quiet comfort.
"Why did you stay?"
Lauren tilted her head to the side when Camila's quiet question broke the silence. Camila shook her head, taking a second to reword her question.
"You just... you have not left me. Ever," Camila mumbled softly, to which Lauren nodded in acknowledgement. "Why?" Camila whispered, lifting her head and meeting Lauren's eyes.
"Why not?" Lauren laughed softly, watching as Camila's eyes fluttered back down to the ground. "I'm not just gonna give up on someone when things get hard. That's not like me."
"I'm in love with you. I love the Camila I know now and I love the girl you were in high school that I've gotten to know through you," Lauren said softly, running her fingers through the small brunette's hair.
"I like listening to you talk," Camila laughed quietly, feeling her cheeks tinge pink. Lauren just gave her a soft smile and kissed her nose, pulling back and admiring her girlfriend's eyes. "Can you sing?" Camila whispered hopefully.
"Only for you," Lauren giggled, planting a soft kiss on her girlfriend's lips.
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, whoa, stay, whoa
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Moments later they were interrupted by someone else scrambling up the ladder into the treehouse. "I found you!" Maggie giggled, clapping her hands together. "It's bedtime for me," she pouted, crossing her arms.
"We should head inside too," Lauren laughed, helping Camila to her feet. "While we can still see our way back."
Soon enough, Maggie was in bed and the two girlfriends were in Lauren's bedroom. The green eyed girl was sprawled out on her bed with her nose stuck in a book, waiting for Camila to finish in the bathroom.
She was so distracted by her book that she didn't notice the passing time. She was only pulled out of her trance when she heard a small sniff coming from the corner of her room. Lauren set her book down, looking over her shoulder and growing confused when she saw Camila sitting by their suitcases.
"Hey, I didn't even notice you were-," Lauren quickly cut herself off when she saw that the smaller girl was crying. Moments later, she realized what the small girl was holding in her hands.
"So much has changed, Lo," Camila whispered shakily, holding up the small leather journal and turning it around in her hands. Lauren immediately pushed her book aside, scooting off of the bed and moving to sit next to her girlfriend.
"It's a lot to take in, yeah?" Lauren laughed nervously, reaching out and moving Camila's hair out of her face. The small girl simply nodded, already distracted by another journal entry. Instead of trying to talk to her about it, Lauren simply laid her head on Camila's shoulder and watched her while she read, offering her quiet support.
Lauren grew confused when Camila began paging through the blank pages absentmindedly, pausing suddenly. The green eyed girl watched as Camila furrowed her eyebrows, peeling apart two pages that had been previously stuck together. Both girls exchanged glances, realizing this was an entry neither of them had seen.
Sensing Camila's hesitation, Lauren gently took the journal from her hands before taking a deep breath and beginning to read aloud.
Hey.
I can't sleep. It's the night before my senior year and I'm slightly terrified. Everyone says that high school is the best years of your life, but if it is... then I don't know what sort of hell is waiting out there for me. High school sucks.
Senior year is even worse. That means thinking about the future even more than usual because time is running out. What am I going to do? I don't know if there's anything out there for me. What if I'm not good at anything?
There's so much going through my head at once. What's going to become of me? What if I become just like my uncle? The thought makes me sick.
I want to do something. I want to be happy. I want to somehow break free of this box I've put myself in. There's so much out there and I feel like I've barely seen any of it.
I just feel so trapped. And I feel like I'm never going to break free of this. I'm sad. I'm sad and I'm scared. I just feel incompetent. And I can't shake it.
I just wish I had a promise that things will be alright.
- Camila
Lauren glanced over at Camila when she was done reading. The small girl was looking down at her hands in her lap, biting her lip nervously. Without saying a word, Lauren reached over and locked their pinkies together.
"C'mon," Lauren whispered, setting the journal down and standing up. She helped Camila to her feet, leading them both over to the bed.
They lay in silence for a while, Camila staring up at the ceiling and Lauren with her eyes closed in thought. Lauren opened her eyes when she felt Camila roll over and start tracing the flower tattoo on her shoulder.
"What'cha thinking about?" Lauren whispered, causing Camila's eyes to flutter up to her.
"I am thinking that I love you," Camila said softly, looking back down at the tattoo. "I think I always have."
Lauren's heart skipped in her chest and she couldn't form a coherent response. Instead, she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Camila's forehead, lacing their fingers together.
A dangerous plan, just this time
A stranger's hand clutched in mine
I'll take this chance, so call me blind
I've been waiting all my life
Please don't scar this young heart
Just take my hand
I was made for loving you
Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through
Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do
All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you
Hold me close through the night
Don't let me go, we'll be alright
Touch my soul and hold it tight
I've been waiting all my life
I won't scar your young heart
Just take my hand
Cause I was made for loving you
Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through
Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do
All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you
Please don't go, I've been waiting so long
Oh, you don't even know me at all
But I was made for loving you
I was made for loving you
Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through
Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do
All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you
Lauren felt sleep beginning to take over her when she finished singing. Camila, also, had relaxed slightly into her side. Which is why she was surprised when she heard the small girl's voice make a reappearance.
"I was made for loving you," Camila sang softly, sitting up and reaching out to pull the blankets over them. Lauren couldn't help the smile that spread across her face.
Camila continued repeating the one line, leaning over and turning off the light before curling back up in Lauren's side. By then, the green eyed girl had already allowed sleep to wash over her.
"I love you," Camila whispered, kissing Lauren's cheek and taking a moment to admire her girlfriend. Her girlfriend. "I always will."
--
a/n: the next chapter is the last chapter ohmygosh. and then the epilogue.
oh yeah, and incase you weren't on twitter last night, green is officially happening ;) so suggestions are always welcome!
ALSO NORMANI FOLLOWED ME ON TWITTER. THAT'S A BIG DEAL. I WAS SCREAMING.
and as always, have a wonderful day babes. be nice to yourselves.
- lena (lenajfc on twitter, forbrighterskies on tumblr)