Something's gotta break, something's gotta give
I hope it ain't my heart, it cannot be my will
I'm gonna find a place, all that I desire
If it's the last road that I take, 'til I'm burning in the fire
I'm gonna find that sunrise
- Sunrise by Darren Kiely (https://open.spotify.com/track/6nmlu9nnuESorTFsl3HMfG?si=aa61852c2e294ed1)
I stand in front on Maya's door with my fist raised rearing to knock, but I let my hands drop to my sides. Will she even let me in if I asked, after giving her the silent treatment again for days. Ero un tale idiota (I was such an idiot), leaving her like that after our fight. It feels like it's all we've been doing, forgiving each other. At least we seemed to be in a better place after her team all came into the hospital to get their bloodwork done. My heart melted into a pathetic puddle when she punched her fist in the air after hearing me mumble how I love her too.
I'm glad I took the time to listen to Molly's advice and made sure she knows I'll always love Maya, no matter how infuriating she can be. When I got summoned to the Becketts' house the night before, I honestly didn't know how I was going to set things right between them either. My phone was filled with unsent messages to Maya. Replies to her apologies and pleas to talk to her, but I couldn't send it. Beckett took pity on me and his friend, by texting me updates about my wife and her mental health, making sure we didn't completely lost touch with each other during the cold war I started.
Molly lived up to the threat she made the day we met, by storming into my office with one of her FBI friends. The stunning brunette's poker face didn't falter once while I made us a cup of coffee and handed over my next patient to Jo. Molly enjoyed my nervous reaction way too much while her Special Agent friend filled me in on the killer they just apprehended in Washington. I gulped in fear when she told me how surprised she was to get a phone call from her dear friend with the name of a problem she needed help with.
That problem being me, of course. Luckily for everyone involved, Molly's expert observations told her that no one got too badly hurt this time and that our love is still burning like a wildfire. As it turned out as well, she never actually made the call. Sometimes I underestimate her dark humor but I still love her. She decided to give me one last chance to prove myself worthy of my wife's love, merely because my stubborn wife refused to listen to her advice and our friend was desperate to get us back on the right path. Especially since we've become great friends after the weekend at her family's farm.
Molly, Lara, Isobel and I have gone out for breakfast quite a few times now, gossiping and complaining about the immaterial things that bother us about our significant others. We've shared some tips and tricks over what to do in the bedroom, and even though Maya and I are still on a freeze out in that department, I have a list of things I want to try on her when the time comes. Molly also finally swallowed her pride and came for a consultation. She opted to try natural ways to boost her fertility before thinking of going to see a specialist.
Both Becketts are now on my very strict fertility diet, which is partly why we've been having breakfast together most days. They did however refuse to only have sex in her window of opportunity and our little group has been getting a play-by-play of every position they've found and tested. It was adorable to watch the enjoyment on her face while trying to expand their family, which is a vast contrast of the stress and disappointment I felt after every negative test myself. After our first try, Maya stopped enjoying the prospect of building a family and by our last try, it felt like my dream had become a chore for her.
I loved my new group of friends, but I still get moments where I will feel immensely jealous whenever Molly brings up trying for a baby, or Lara talks about her kids. I'm even jealous of Dr. Handsy and Jack's very hot and active sex life. Come posso essere geloso dell'ex di mia moglie? (How can I be jealous of my wife's ex?) Especially since I started feeling like less of a priority in Maya's life after this huge secret took up so much of her time. I missed my wife. The person she's become since I made the dumbest mistake, by almost giving up on her. I was so convinced that I had lost that part of her again when I confronted her, and she opened my eyes to just how much she's been keeping bottled up.
Hearing how broken and small she sounded while accusing me of not trusting her, broke my heart all over again. Her excuse for not being honest with me also hurt, but it didn't take any of the anger away either. I was furious that her fears still held a complete connection between us hostage, like some kind of demon lurking in the dark. If my actions in the past didn't lead to her being afraid to talk to me, we wouldn't have had that fight. And if her past didn't activate my own fears over her job stealing her from me, then I wouldn't have to be afraid of seeking her out for comfort after a shitty day.
We have been working tirelessly to deal with our pasts but clearly, we still have a long way to go. Now I just have to trust in the other important people in Maya's life to smack some sense into both of us. The Becketts have been amazing support systems. And underneath all the threats and grumpiness for fighting with their son's unofficial godmother, they had some serious pearls of wisdom to deal with our issues. Molly and her FBI friend invited me over to join their dinner party, much to the dismay of the two men in the house when they had to cancel their plans with Maya.
The two women took great delight in lecturing me over a few glasses of wine, before they pulled me aside and just listened while I ranted. Beckett then whispered Maya's point of view into his wife's ear and then left me alone with him while they reconvened over the correct course of action. I was expecting a huge lecture from my wife's best friend too, but he just calmly sat back and drank his coffee. Instead, he thanked me for supporting his wife and having her back and assured me that he will always have Maya's.
When I asked him why he wasn't mad at me, he kindly reached out and told me that he would only be angry with me if Maya was. And the last time they spoke, she assured him that she was still madly and deeply in love with me. He made me believe that there was nothing to be worried about, because love will always prevail. Then he told me to just listen to his wife's advice and apologise to Maya because he couldn't take another shift with her foul moods. Unfortunately for both of us, the profilers' golden nugget of advice was to give us both some time until we can find a way to communicate like adults.
I'm not entirely sure that the few texts we've exchanged since Maya walked out of the hospital yesterday, constitutes as mature communication skills, but it's a start. It surely wasn't my best idea to show up at her apartment unannounced in the middle of the night. Mi sento come se stessi rubando una mossa dal programma di mia moglie. (I feel like I'm stealing a move from my wife's playbook.) Although, this is still technically my apartment too, and I've never needed permission to crawl into her bed before. I use my key to enter the dark foyer, using my memory of the layout of furniture to make my way to the spare bedroom.
I'm quite certain I'm not following a clear path to my destination, more like listening to my heart as it leads me to the other half of my soul. I slowly push open the bedroom door, allowing the moonlight behind me, to shine on the blond tangled mess on the pillow. Maya has my pillow bunched up into her chest with her leg thrown over the covers. Dio, è Bellissima. I lean the side of my head against the doorway to just watch her sleep, smiling when she whispers my name. She stretches herself out while rolling over onto her back, startling awake when she senses me lurking in the dark.
For a heart stopping moment, we just stare at each other, and I hold my breath waiting for her next move. Maya throws the covers over her body, moving over to leave a space for me at her side. And just like that a truce is called and all is forgiven. I really don't deserve someone as wholesome and magnanimous as Maya, but lord help me, I can't stay away from her. "I haven't showered." My gaze travels to the ensuite bathroom, which seems too far away from her warmth at this moment. She yawns deeply, opening her arms as a beacon of comfort for me. "I don't care, Carina."
Tears burn the back of my eyes because she loves me. She truly loves me if she's willing to let me crawl into bed with her with all the outside germs on me. When my eyes adjust to the darkness surrounding us, I can see the outline of her face as her lips tilt into a genuine smile. I don't waste another second of her generosity, and strip off an article of clothing with each step into the bedroom. Non voglio che sia ancora più arrabbiata con me. I leave my panties on before climbing in next to her, not wanting to overstep our cleverly crafted limits, before cuddling into her side as she throws the covers back over us.
I slip my hand underneath her shirt, resting my palm between her breasts where I can feel her heartbeat. She tightens her arms around me, hugging me close before kissing me on the forehead. "You okay?" I throw my leg over hers, pressing my head into her softness so I can hear each thump of her heartbeat over my hand. "Non ancora. (Not yet)." Is it my voice that sounds so small and dejected? Maya runs her fingertips up and down my naked back, pressing another kiss against my head. "Do you want to talk about it?" The first tear falls down my cheek and onto her shirt.
I shake my head against the soft material, wiping the stray tear away while simultaneously getting as close to her as humanly possible. "Non ancora. (Not yet)." She whispers how that's okay too when she hears how hoarse my voice is. I listen to the lullaby of her breathing beneath her slow heartbeat, one inhale on every fifth beat and an exhale on the fourth one to follow. Her hands drift into my hair so she can massage my scalp, humming against my skin as I snuggle into her until I drift off to sleep, tightly tucked into the safety of her embrace.
I wake up in almost the exact same position as I fell asleep in. Maya is tracing random patterns on my back and on the arm draped over her middle. "You're supposed to be sleeping, bella." I feel her chuckle more than hear it, but grin into her shirt when she lightly pinches my side. "I have the most gorgeous Italian woman draped all over me, in all her phenomenal nakedness. What's your excuse for being awake at this ungodly hour?" Her abs ripple underneath my fingers as I trace my own patterns over her abdomen.
I remember her saying something similar in the midst of our fight. How she tried staying awake whenever we were in the same room together, just so she can cherish our moments together. I loved that statement almost as much as I love her for not trying to push me for an answer as to why I chose today of all days to start talking to her again. "I hate fighting with you, bambina. E odio dormire da solo. (And I hate sleeping alone.)" She slips her hand over mine on her stomach, stopping my nervous fingers from fumbling their way to her breasts.
We both sigh in contentedness when my hands finally settle so we can just lie together in each other's arms. Somehow finding solace in the uneasiness of the silence around us. "I'm taking a wild guess that you've been staying awake because we promised each other we'll never go to bed angry and you're still angry with me?" The bravado I had when breaking and entering her apartment earlier vanishes from how easily she can read me. I fall silent again, wanting to protect my heart while I figure out the best way to talk to her.
The awkwardness stretches a minute too long and I can't avoid eye contact with her any longer. "I'm sorry for the way I left things, Maya." She stops caressing my back, gently leaving her warm palm on the base of it. I feel her taking a deep breath and I lose my nerve again, opting to close my eyes for the next round of harsh truths she's going to bestow on me. I breathe her in too when her fingertips start traveling up and down my back again. "I'm sorry too, my love. I should have heard you out without running away like I'm used to."
I can't apologize to her with my head tucked underneath her chin, so I untangle myself from her to lie down on the other side of the bed. "Is this our life now? Apologizing for every stupid thing we do, every time we do it?" My mouth falls open at her little jab and I poke her in the chest for daring to say it. "Si chiama comunicare (It's called communicating), bella. Probably something we should have done that night instead of both of us running away from our problems." Maya wraps her arms around me, pulling me half on top of her on a chuckle.
"Oh, I think we're communicating pretty well now. But I for one, prefer when we discuss the nicer things in life, though." I push her away from me, completely in awe of her ability to calm my mind with one simple move. We both turn on our sides, lovingly gazing into each other's eyes while having a hand tucked under separate pillows. "While on the topic of communicating. Do you want to tell me what's eating away at you, or should I just go back to holding you again?" Maya tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, swiping her thumb over my cheek for added effect. "I had to do a rape kit today."
Maya's eyes almost bug out of her head before she lifts herself onto an outstretched arm to look down at me in concern. "No, no, no, bambina. I'm sorry. I meant I had to perform one." Her demeanor visibly relaxes as she slowly lies back down next to me, never taking her eyes off me as she patiently waits for me to elaborate. This time I tangle my own hands into her hair before slipping my knee between her legs. "While performing the exam, I found a mass on my patient's uterus. I had to confirm her suspicions of what she suspected happened to her when she woke up after a night out with her friends and..."
I get choked up when I think back to the terrified woman in the ER earlier today, biting on her nails and squirming away whenever someone tried to examine her. One of the interns got through to her, recognizing the signs of the aftereffects of the date rape drug. Monica, my favorite nurse wanted to call Maya when she saw how much it affected me, but I assured her Maya was the only place I was going to after sharing my diagnosis with my patient. I have no doubt that my wife would have dropped everything to come running to my rescue, which is why I'm in her arms now.
She has this way of helping me deal with my shit without making it seem like that's what she's doing. In another life, if I didn't know her as well as I do, Maya would make an extraordinary therapist. "I had to go into that room where her wife was doing everything she could, to console her over what they thought would be the worst thing to ever happen to them. And then I came in a blew their world apart by informing them that they are going to have to deal with terminal ovarian cancer too."
Maya wraps her hand over mine at the back of her head, kissing the inside of my arm. "I left their room after introducing them to the oncologist, and I just needed-" I tighten my hold in her hair, gazing into the bluest ocean in her eyes. "You just wanted to feel your wife's heartbeat to assure yourself that I'm still here?" I let my hand travel down her neck to let it rest on her pulse point, seeking the exact thing she just mentioned. "Our fight kind of seemed trivial compared to what people like my patient is going through." Maya throws her arm over my waist, pulling me closer to her.
Her face fills with compassion and I can see flecks of hurt still swimming around in her eyes. "It doesn't mean I'm any less sorry for the way I acted, Maya. I shouldn't have assumed anything. I'm just so scared. Your job almost stole you from me once." She leans in closer to run the tip of her nose over my cheek and the bridge of my nose, leaving a soft kiss on my lips. "Carina. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever take me away from you again. I made you a promise and I intent to keep it. I shouldn't have run. I should've listened to you and explained myself better."
I can see the sincerity and conviction in her eyes, as it stares into mine like she can make the promise all over again. I move my palm back to her warm cheek, smiling at how openminded my once closed-off wife is. "You were right to call me out on my issues. And I was madder at myself for pushing you so far that you had to snap in order for me to hear you. I never want to be the reason your clouds come back." I was so dumbfounded when she raised her voice at me while putting her shoes on, making it clear how little she loved my insecurities.
Maya grazes her nails over my side, sandwiching my leg between hers. "No amount of pushing from your side should ever make me snap at you. I've been camping out on Dianne's couch since I came home that night. I think she's just about had enough of my insecurities. But she's going to love hearing about our pillow talk during our next session." I smirk through a laugh, pulling on her ear to get back to the serious topic at hand "I should trust you too, my love. You are my wife. You know me better than I know myself. If something about my behavior is concerning to you, then I should look into that."
I roll half on top of her, using my knee between her legs to push her down. She smiles up at me before wrapping her arms around my back. "Maya. Bambina." I kiss her neck, nibble on her jawline and smirk into her lips before brushing them with mine. "I love you. And I do trust you." Her brow furrows into a sarcastic scowl, clearly not believing me but not being so angry about it anymore. I roll fully on top of her, resting my weight on my elbows on either side of her head. "Mi fido di te (I trust you), Maya. It's my control issues that's the problem. But that's why I have Dr. Hilliam and Molly, to stop me from screwing this up again."
She pulls me down to kiss me with a passion I've missed more than anything I've ever lost in my life. When the heat of our kiss dies down, she gently rolls us back into the position we were before, facing each other. "You were right about this case bothering me a little more than I initially thought." Maya tries to hide from her confession in her pillow until I cup her face again. She rolls her lips into her mouth before meeting my eyes. "What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room. Promise me, Carina?"
I struggle to swallow the ball of nerves down my throat when she squeezes my hand between us. "You don't have to tell me, Maya. I trust you to have this one secret." Her bottom lip quivers and she bites down on it. I wipe the pad of my thumb over her mouth until her lip jumps free again. "I don't want to hold onto this on my own. I need a wife/pillow confidentiality clause in our marriage for when I find myself in fucked-up situations like this." I wish I can stop my eyes from tearing up at the huskiness her voice takes on from the desperation of needing a confidant.
She clutches at my hand between us and my heart swells to twice it's normal size when I pick up on the torment in her touch too. "My lips are sealed." Maya's eyes widen a little at my promise, her lips twitching for the opportunity to unburden herself. She snuggles back into her pillow, whispering so softly that I have to strain my ears to hear her. "There's a bomb out there somewhere." Her hands turn cold in my grip, and she peeks up at me from the cotton cloud she's hiding in. I try to reel my shock in at her confession, but clearly fail when she tries to wipe the worry lines from my forehead.
"That's horrible, bambina. But what are you expected to do with this information?" The fear that's been rolling around in my chest sneaks back up. As if her job isn't dangerous enough, especially with her extra shifts and responsibilities, but I also have to worry about a potential bomb threat now too? "You remember when I got held hostage?" This time my brow lifts into my hairline. "You mean when you got stabbed?" She pokes me in the side, kicking the back of my leg in a joking manner. "It was a nick."
I point my finger in her face, pinching my frustration between my thumb and forefinger. She rolls her eyes at me, catching my fingers in her hand so she can bite them when I trace her scar of the supposed nick on her back. "So, it turns out they held this guy, Joseph and his family hostage, to force him to build a bomb. But since the SPD had the bomb maker and his captors in custody, they took the win and closed the case. There is no new evidence, and the SPD can't handle the bad press by opening the case right now." I roll my eyes at how badly Dixon screwed over the police department. How many other cases are getting swiped under the rug so they can save face?
"The ATF has been instructed to not investigate this case any further because they need all hands-on-deck for another potential terrorist attack." I lift my hand to her mouth to ask for a second to get my head wrapped around all the American acronyms and idioms. "ATF?" She kisses my fingers again before tucking them under her chin. "It's a law enforcement agency that deals with explosives. They get called when we have arson cases." I nod my head, finally understanding what she's trying to convey.
"Okay, so the police don't want to help. They TFA aren't allowed to help? So how do they expect you to fix it yourself?" Her smile turns into a smirk as she fights really hard not to laugh at whatever I said wrong. She tucks me closer to her, kissing me swiftly when a chuckle escapes her lips. "The A.T.F agent..." I shake my head on my own laugh, trying to save the correct order of the acronym in my head. "He wants to help, but he's being watched like a hawk. He's been feeding me information to find evidence of the bomb, or the bomber, or the mastermind. So, we can take it to the FBI, but they will only take over when I can prove the bomb moved over state lines."
I lick my lips as my mouth runs dry from how dangerous her only plan sounds. Maya can see the worry clearly written on my face because she hugs me close. "Too bad Agent Tate's last lead was a bust. I haven't had a moment to myself to think about my next move with the Union riding my ass like there is no tomorrow." I tap her lips again when I start chuckling at her say things, but the jolt of jealousy I get from the thought of someone else riding her anything, makes me growl. "So, what are we going to do to prove this, so you can finally sleep at night?"
Maya's face registers the shock, but she doesn't comment on it, instead she cups my face in her hand and slips on top of me. "I love you so fucking much." I smile up at her, sliding my hands into the back of her shirt, clawing at her uneven skin, wishing once again that I can smooth her healed burn wound out. "Mi sei mancato così tanto. (I've missed you so fucking much.)" Her smile stretches against my lips before she bites down on my bottom lip to pull me into her. The kiss starts off slow but when she bites down on the swollen flesh again, our teeth clash and the heat dial up to a scorching degree.
I wrap my legs around her waist, pulling her flush against me, grinding into her with a need I haven't felt in months. She breaks the kiss to catch her breath, tucking her head into the crook of my neck, breathing me in between little pecks. "We should probably stop because I'm about one thrust away from coming in my pants." I scratch my nails down her back and into her sleep shorts to drag her over my lusting flesh, needing a few more thrusts to get there myself too. "Non fermarti. (Don't stop.)" She pushes herself up on her elbows, gazing down into my eyes with hers looking like flying saucers.
My wife is completely high on us right now, and it's becoming abundantly clear that we already crossed a line there's no coming back from. "Per favore (Please), Maya." Her lips crash back down on mine, and her thrusts become uncontrollable as she chases her own moment of pure unbridled passion against me. She grabs my thigh and kneads it, opening my legs wider for the best angle for us both. Our moans fill the dark room, and I can tell by the speckles of pain shooting up my leg that we're both drawing blood with our nails.
"For my sanity...Please...Keep...Your panties...On" I laugh through her panting sentence, feeling the electric current of a very intense orgasm charging through my limbs. "Oh Dio, I'm going to-" Maya's own guttural moan drowns out my own as my head repeatedly hits the headboard. My wife's movements turn beyond erratic while she rides out her orgasm against my sopping wet underwear, moaning broken whispers of my name into my ear. I claw at her back, using the muscular flesh to keep me grounded as Maya guides me into a burning inferno of lust.
We stay cuddled in each other's arms, trying our best to catch our breath. My huffing wife flops down onto her back, dragging me with her until my sweaty limbs are draped all over her body. She leans back to turn the bedside lamp on, which blinds us both for a second. "Fuck. That was better than any memory I could ever conjure up. Even with the severe case of chafing I'll have in the morning." I grin into her chest, laying my palm on her quivering abdomen. "It was worth it." I feel her chuckle underneath me before she bends down to kiss the crown of my head.
"I want to do so many other things to you right now. All of them relating to another few rounds of whatever we just did." I push my hand up higher into her shirt, feeling a rush of liquid ecstasy pooling into my already ruined underwear when I reach her waiting breast. Maya moans my name, her voice hoarse from the strain she just placed on her vocal cords a blissful moment ago. She combs her fingers through my hair, sighing in all her happiness while I enjoy the delectable sensation of her naked skin underneath my hand.
"I promised you romance, Carina. A night filled with nothing but love between us. It's supposed to take hours, if not days of planning and when we do cross that line, it should be mystical and spectacular." I rest my other hand underneath my chin on her chest, gazing up at her from my favorite spot. She looks down on the tangled mess we've created within each other, almost looking remorseful for having failed at her grand plan. "As much as I love everything we just did. I can't let it go any further tonight. Our love story deserves better than dry humping and make-up sex."
My body aches for her touch. To feel her lips and tongue all over every curve she's set on fire. But my heartstrings pull at her words and the promises we made. I smile up at her, fully understanding where she's coming from. Perché mai mi sono allontanato da lei? (Why did I ever distance myself from her?) The blue in her eyes shine bright as she tilts her head to look at me. I can drown in those eyes if she lets me stare at her long enough. The way they dilate when I smile or move against her, or just breath in the same vicinity as her, makes my mouth water.
Her walls may have been built so high around her heart, but her eyes have always been the gateway to her soul. Whenever I felt abandoned or scared, I would just allow myself to get lost in those treasured oceans and feel the love emanating from them. How they would brighten up when I entered a room. The way the light will reflect in the pools of tears like diamonds when she got vulnerable with me. I lived for the way they would burn like the hottest flames to ever exist when she catches sight of me naked, and then darken into two sapphires as she reaches her orgasm.
But my absolute favorite tell her eyes have ever given me, is when she's unaware of my eyes on her and I catch her in a moment of recollection, over something that made her fall deeply in love with me. Those moments, her eyes almost turn to ice, and I can swear if I get pulled into them enough, I can see my own love for her reflected in their intensity. Just like I can feel the love she has for me pouring out of them now, like bright sunlight after a heavy snowfall.
"Our love story is already perfect, bambina. Now turn off the light so I can pass out on top of you, please. Se continui a guardarmi così (If you keep looking at me like that), I can't be held accountable for the direction my hands may wander to." Maya does as I ask, wiggling down into a comfortable position before folding her arms over my body. I turn my head to rest on her chest, kissing the warm skin beneath her shirt as a thank you for allowing me back into her bed and heart. "I love you, Maya Deluca-Bishop." She kisses my head again, tucking me in between her legs before we both drift off into a blissful sleep.