Jiseok had debated making the video with both Jooyeon and Tina, he was persistent. He wanted to back out of the plan but he was unsuccessful. They persuaded him to do that for there was no time to change the plans already and it seemed like the only way out. Of course, only if Jiseok wanted to stop these obnoxious rumours.
So here he was now, sitting in front of some camera in Jungsu's quickly cleaned-up office. His hands were clasped together, resting awkwardly in front of his body and he tried looking everywhere but at the boy on his right.
There was Jungsu next to the camera, Jooyeon leaning against a dirty wall, biting his lower lip and he, Gunil.
Gunil was also there. On his right. And his presence resounded in the room, making the air dense and stuffy.
Jiseok found it hard to breathe, with each second his chest was moving more and more lethargic. Jungsu spoke up.
"Jiseok, you've read the script, right?" He hasn't.
"Yes, we can start already," he didn't care for it. He wanted it to end.
And so with the nod of Jungsu, the recording began. It wasn't a long video—7 up to 10 minutes but it seemed like hours to Jiseok who was there to smile, nod and admit that it was as Gunil stated. And Gunil's talk was something he wasn't expecting.
Maybe he was also as fed up with the whole situation as Jiseok and he also frankly didn't care for what would happen next.
His words were too precise, too brutal—too true. He admitted that he did it all. That he made Jiseok the bad one. He said that he should have been in his place—despised, hated and not wanted. He deserved it all.
Jiseok should have read the script before. He regretted not doing that and the tingling feeling appeared in his belly out of nowhere. He knew what Gunil was trying to do but he wasn't going to stop him.
Gunil wanted to make himself a victim. Somehow. Even though people would find out that he had made it all up and that it was his fault, he wanted to make them feel compassionate. Gunil had tears in his eyes and Jiseok swallowed at this sight. Gunil wanted everyone to perceive him as someone fragile, delicate, broken—almost innocent.
"I don't know what had gotten into me that night," he muttered, looking straight into the lens of the camera as if he were looking at their fans. Speaking to them, smiling and self-pitying. "I've done something stupid... I'm fully aware I can't turn the time back but if I could, then I would. I would have never thought of ruining his life just because I was jealous, I would have suffered this on my own."
Jungsu nodded at Gunil from behind the camera, he smiled at him as if encouraging him to keep going with it. To keep going subconsciously with trying to explain himself. Jiseok couldn't lie, Gunil was good at it.
He had always been good at lying or simply putting a mask on his face. He seemed to be trustworthy back then. Jiseok should have suspected him, he was the only one who knew about him and Jooyeon—but no. He had to blame the one he was devoted to—he had to blame Jooyeon.
He had to hurt him, destroy him, make him cry. He still couldn't forgive himself. Not even when Jooyeon desperately tried assuring him that they were alright now, that he was no longer mad with him. And Jiseok wanted to trust him.
He did.
Yet he was still mortally offended at himself—he wished he hadn't done that.
"I don't know if there is anything else to say," Gunil's voice rang in his ears. There was nothing left to say. "Maybe... Jiseok, do you wanna add something?"
His throat felt tight suddenly. Tight and dry. Gunil gazed at him and he gulped, unintentionally.
"I... I think that everything is clear now," he spoke up, his voice hoarse. He needed something to drink, otherwise he felt that he would soon have to clear his throat, which he didn't want. What if he made some noise that indicated his racing thoughts? "I haven't done anything to that boy, it was just as Gunil said. Everything was false."
Gunil nodded.
"That's right. I hope that these rumours will stop after we upload the video. I no longer want to feel guilty for keeping it a secret," Jiseok wanted to scoff. Gunil wasn't this type of a person, he knew him well. He experienced it on his own skin. "I know I can't do much so I want to at least clear Jiseok's good name."
It definitely wasn't going to help Jiseok much but he restrained himself from saying it out loud.
"I'd be thankful if you stopped spreading these false accusations," Gunil went on like he was the right person to say it. Jiseok fixed his eyes on Jooyeon, his arm was still resting on the wall and all he did at that moment was smile faithfully. Jiseok knew this smile, he knew this gaze, this aura, he knew everything about this kind of Jooyeon's body reaction.
He wanted Jiseok to believe in the unbelievable and just do whatever he had to in order to withstand the moment. And Jiseok always obeyed. He had nothing better to do anyway.
But he didn't smile back, he didn't want to reveal that Jooyeon was there. He looked down at the floor and then at the camera suddenly realising it was almost over.
He was about to say goodbye to some bothering thoughts going on in his head, some people would believe the video and stop haunting him. He could even show the video to his family. Maybe they would stop despising him or at least acknowledge that Jiseok wasn't an obnoxious paedophile and rapist.
"I, Goo Gunil, am the reason why it all came undone, I spread all these rumours due to my stupidity and jealousy. I want to put an end to these lies, so that's why I'm making this video. I'm the one to blame," he said. His voice was very firm, Jiseok managed to only beam at the camera and nod his head more automatically than planned. "I want to apologise for it to everyone watching this video and mostly, to you, Jiseok."
He turned towards him. Jiseok felt his heartbeat slowing down. He blinked hard. By Jungsu's reaction, he knew it wasn't in that damned script. Gunil faced him. He said sorry. He wanted to apologise to Jiseok. He looked into Jiseok's eyes and repeated the three firm words: I am sorry.
But the thing was that he wasn't sorry at all.
He said it only because Jiseok was forced to respond. He was right in front of the camera, he couldn't not accept his words, they would have to record it all over again and he did not want that.
Gunil was still the same.
"Thank you," he found himself saying. Thank you. He had never heard anything as bitter as this sentence. Gunil nodded, looking back at the camera.
And Jiseok's heart felt like it was being squeezed. It was being crushed. Mercilessly.
Whatever Gunil said after that moment Jiseok didn't remember. His words blurred out on the edges, they didn't even manage to reach Jiseok's ears. They were too muffled. All Jiseok could think about was how efficiently Gunil worked. He was smart.
It was also the moment it hit him how mighty he was. He managed to fool Jiseok. And now he was trying to fool everyone watching the video. Gunil was going to play the little lost boy that didn't mean anything while accusing Jiseok of raping someone. He tried to soften their hearts by smiling from ear to ear.
I'm sorry, I should have been the one you all hate... I am truly sorry, I was the one who said that Jiseok raped a fucking minor... but I didn't mean that, you all know me haha, I was just jealous, I never meant any of that. I was so jealous I couldn't take it. I should have suffered then—just feeling sorry for myself because nothing was working out for me... I am sorry Jiseok, hope you will finally forgive me. I am so poor, pathetic, nasty, worst, unimportant, cruel... forgive me... please...
And everyone was about to swallow these hollow words like some pills trusting Gunil because he looked so sad while saying all that.
"It's filmed," Jungsu announced and Jiseok let out a miserable chuckle. He was finally allowed to breathe. "Good job, thank you Gaon," he addressed him and took the camera into his hands. Jiseok didn't bother to look up at him, he nodded, mumbled a quiet 'welcome' and approached Jooyeon.
He squeezed his hand hard immediately. His eyes darted from Jooyeon's surprised grimace to the exit. He wanted to leave. Now.
"We'll be going," Jooyeon spouted, throwing a clumsy, unsure smile at Jungsu and Gunil, they smiled back, letting them escape the place in a snap of fingers. "You've done great," Jooyeon said as they were on the outside, cold air streaming down their bodies.
"No," Jiseok choked out, still holding tight onto his hand. "See, they are looking at us. Nothing will help," he commented, people around indeed gazed at them.
Even if they didn't know that he was the Gaon from Ecstasy, Jiseok was scared. Paranoid.
"I wanna end it all," he went on, pulling him forward with quick steps, "my career, I wanna leave the band, I can't do it anymore."
Jooyeon wasn't sure what to say anymore. He had no idea what was better now. If Jiseok left maybe he would feel better but it was a part of him, a part he seemed to love or—a part he used to love.
He used to be so happy every time he could share with Jooyeon about his achievements associated with the music industry but now, even his voice seemed devastated when speaking about being in a band.
He wanted to leave and it was more than a simple whim.
It lasted a long time. But he couldn't decide on the verdict. It was a thought walking behind him like a shadow. Something that even if he wanted, he couldn't just leave.
Despite this, everything seemed slightly better after uploading the video. Of course, not better in terms of his mental state but the attitude of the public toward him.
They stopped looking at him with those contemptuous looks and treated him as before. It was normal again.
Gunil was the only one that was hated and Jiseok was an angel everyone loved.
No.
He wished it was that way but not much has changed. More than a week since exposing the truth did nothing. Almost nothing.
Of course, most of the people stopped accusing Jiseok of the rape. Of course.
They believed them, because what else was there to do? Gunil himself admitted to being the one in charge of spreading the false rumours. They knew it wasn't a joke for why would Gunil make himself the culprit?
But they only got interested in the case more. They sought more. They craved the drama.
Many tried analysing their body language during the short explanatory video, many looked for them on the streets and when they found them; they asked questions (sometimes even with microphones), chased them and wanted to know more.
Were they to blame? They were just people. Too inquisitive in both Jiseok's and Gunil's opinions. But they were just people. They couldn't do anything about them. They had to bear with them.
"Why are you so tired?" Jooyeon asked the moment Jiseok appeared in the house out of nowhere.
"That one boy didn't want to leave me," he started and Jooyeon's smile dropped. "What was I supposed to say? Were you and Gunil a couple, he asked, and I wanted to squeeze his fucking neck but I ran away from him," he explained slightly annoyed yet he was too used to this type of situation that he simply changed the topic and they planned on doing something together that evening.
They wanted to read and eat ice cream. They took the books and bowls full of the said food and lay on the floor surrounded by blankets and cushions.
Jiseok wasn't the one that was bothered by thoughts so much now. He was too accustomed to such encounters that he quickly forgot about that boy and his weird question. He just gripped the book and his eyes wandered on the white pages consuming the plot.
Jooyeon thought about it for a little longer. It was terrifying. He was impressed that he was able to cope with it all. He knew that if he were in his place, it would definitely be difficult for him. Extremely difficult.
He imagined it all like some rollercoaster but the ride was never stopping. It was a never-ending fun that destroyed Jiseok from the inside. It tossed him around and tormented him, he wanted to vomit but he couldn't, he had no strength.
"Your ice cream," Jiseok's voice interrupted him. Jooyeon put on a smile and looked up at him. "It's melting." He looked down again. Indeed. It wasn't as still as before. He must have thought for a while.
"I am not hungry anymore," he lied and placed the bowl away from his face. Jiseok seemed to swallow it and just sat closer to him and bowed his head over the book. "I have that presentation to do by next Monday, wanna help me with it later?"
They would have done that if not for Tina who slammed the door while entering the living room. She had an uneasy look painted all over her face. Her lips were parted and her cheeks were pale.
"Jiseok," she choked out, almost bending in half. "I just learned that he, that he," she staggered towards them and sat on the couch.
Their eyes were welded to her, she was acting so anxious and off balance. Not like usual. Her breath was quick and she fanned her body with her hands.
"Gunil left Ecstasy."
"He did what?" Jiseok's eyes widened, Gunil left the band. "Are you kidding me?"
"I've just seen him, he wanted to meet me, I went to him and... and he told me about the band," she choked out. Her sentences were incoherent and everything dimed around. The world was blurry and shaky. "It was over for him. He had to leave."
So it wasn't a bad joke.
It was nothing like that. It was pure truth and it made Jiseok shiver. Gunil left the band. It was official, he had stated it on their social media. Everywhere. Jungsu had also written an article on it.
Ecstasy had been on hiatus for some time and now one member left.
The group was slowly falling apart.
All the feelings were about to change into memories. It was all about to disappear. Disperse. Turn into little pieces they all will desperately try to hold together but in the end, they will lose them. Everything will come to an end.
They will be left with nothing but a feeling of numbness. Ecstasy will no longer exist. Gaon won't exist.
He will be dead.
I guess it would be appropriate to feel pain, sadness, fear... whatever but Jiseok did not. He didn't feel any bad.
He felt weirdly relieved.