Chapter song:
I May Be Evil by Landon Tewers
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"Cheer up, mate," Niall says, elbowing me in the ribs as I stare down at the sticky table in front of me. "It's your birthday. At least try to have some fun."
I roll my eyes at his optimistic tone, scoffing before I take a swig of my third beer of the night.
The guys insisted on dragging me out for my thirtieth birthday, assuring me that it would help get my mind off of Katie. If anything, being stuck in this shitty bar on a Wednesday night has only made me feel worse.
Katie had so many plans for my birthday, so many ideas for how to make it special for me, for us. She was so excited to spend it together.
This night out with them, when it was supposed to be shared with her, is just another reminder of what I did - what I lost.
It's been nearly two weeks since I broke up with her, and each new day has been worse than the last. I've had to be drunk, or high to just get through the day, but even the constant substance abuse hasn't erased the images that plague my mind. Images from that night, of the look on her face, and the way she stared at me like I was a monster, haunt me. The things I said to her...
It makes me sick to my fucking stomach.
I finally returned to work today after Louis threatened to drag me out of my flat by my shirt, only to discover that she's taking a week off, starting today. No doubt to avoid seeing me. And as much as I miss her, I don't blame her for staying away.
I'd want to stay away, too, if I were her.
"So," Lucas clears his throat, pursing his lips before continuing, "How have you been holding up?"
I flick my attention to him, then to Elijah, Niall, Louis, and back to Lucas. They're all wearing the same pitying expression, and it causes a wave of anger to roll through me. I grit my teeth before pushing my hair back with my fingers.
"Fucking fantastic," I monotone, finishing off my beer before gesturing to the waitress for another.
"Have you spoken to Katie at all?" Louis asks apprehensively. The sound of her name alone makes me wince.
"No," I whisper, staring down at the empty bottle in my hand. I have to fight the urge to shatter the clear glass on the ground, the idea that it might ease even a small amount of the rage simmering within me is temptation enough.
"Maybe you should," he continues, tapping his fingers nervously on the table.
I raise a brow as I stare at him blankly. "And why would I do that?" I ask.
After what I said to her, the way I treated her, the thought of even seeing her causes a pit of dread to form in my gut.
The vile words I spewed echo in my head, and I have to swallow the bile threatening to rise in my throat.
I don't want you, Katie!
I don't want to be with you.
Lies. Every word was a lie.
"Because I think you made a mistake," Louis finally says. "I think you fucked up, Harry. What the hell were you thinking?"
I was thinking about her.
I just wanted to protect her. I wanted to protect her from me, and the shit-show that is my life. I'll never forgive myself for hurting her, but I had to say whatever I could to push her away, to get her to save herself. Even if it meant breaking her heart in the process.
Before I can respond, the waitress approaches the table with a fresh drink in her hand. She looks me up, and down, a faint smile playing on her red lips as she sets the bottle in front of me.
"Can I get you anything else, baby?" She coos, leaning forward until I have a full view of her cleavage in her tight, white crop top.
Baby.
The nickname causes my already-broken heart to fracture further, if that's even possible, as I remember the look in Katie's eyes the last time she called me baby.
She was so scared when she found me in my room. I was barely coherent enough to realize who was leaning over me, but when I recognized those breathtaking brown eyes, all I could register was the fear in them.
The waitress is beautiful, I can't lie, but the thought of touching any woman that isn't Katie causes my stomach to twist.
I avert my gaze to the drink, and shake my head. "I'm good, thanks," I say.
The waitress hesitates, as if she's surprised that I turned her down, before she walks away with a mumbled curse. Elijah chokes back a laugh.
"This is how I know you're fucked up, H," he whistles, "You used to be all over random girls hitting on you. Clearly, you miss Katie."
I roll my eyes, throwing my head back in frustration. "I thought we were here to celebrate my birthday," I groan, "Why the hell are we still talking about this?"
"Because you're being a dumbass," Louis scolds me, making my face scrunch up in annoyance. "You two were great, what changed?"
Nothing. Everything.
I realized how stupid it was to bring Katie into my life, and how stupid it was for her to follow me.
"I did," I respond dryly, "I realized I wanted something else."
I have to hold back my grimace, the words burning like acid on my tongue.
"Cut the bullshit, Harry," Niall says, smacking his hand on the table angrily, ire simmering in his eyes. "You're doing the same shit you always do. You take anything good that comes your way, and you ruin it. Katie is good for you, and for some godforsaken reason, she loves you, and you threw that away."
My brows pinch together at his harsh words, each one hitting me like a slap in the face. I blink once, twice, and open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off.
"I don't know what the hell happened," he continues, "But you need to pull your head out of your ass, and be honest with yourself about how you feel."
I feel everything.
I'm so fucking angry, all the time.
I'm angry with the world, and with myself. I'm angry that I lost Caroline, that I let that piece of shit who assaulted her get away all those years ago, that all of those girls were hurt by him afterwards. And I'm angry that I took that rage, and turned it towards Katie.
And I'm sad.
God, I'm fucking sad. I lay awake almost every night, praying that I'll go to sleep and never wake up, and all the time I have a weight on my chest that makes it hard for me to catch my breath. And the funny thing is, the only time that weight wasn't there was when Katie was right beside me, and I had to go and fuck that up.
The one thing I feel the most, though, is hatred. Hatred for myself. It's like a hideous beast that holds me hostage, torturing me night and day, whispering in my ear about how useless I am. That everyone would be better off without me.
I can't even remember a time where I didn't hate myself.
"How do you feel?" Louis prods gently, scanning my face as if he can see the thoughts swirling around in my head.
My eyes burn with the threat of tears, and I shake my head as my bottom lip trembles. I don't know if it's the alcohol, or the interrogation, or the weeks of numbing myself finally catching up to me, but I can't stop the words from slipping through my lips.
"I fucking miss her," I choke out, "I love her. I've never loved anything, or anyone the way I love her, and I ruined it. Like I ruin everything. And- And I don't know how to stop it. I- I don't know how to fix this. Fix myself."
I look up to glance between them, each staring at me with a look of shock on their faces. I've never been one to express my feelings, and certainly never with them. This confession is surprising me, too.
"I- I'm broken, and I'm scared that there's no putting me back together," I whisper, tears slipping down my cheeks, "I didn't want to break Katie, too."
Louis sighs heavily through his nose as he purses his lips. "You're not broken, Harry," he says quietly, resting a hand on my shoulder, "What happened with Caroline was horrible, and it's not something you'll ever be able to forget. But Katie is good. In all the years I've known you, I've never seen you as happy as you are when you're with her. I don't think I've ever seen you happy period."
I bring my fingers up to rub my eyes, each word causing my chest to ache. I don't think Caroline's memory will ever not hurt, but when I had Katie with me, it didn't hurt quite so much. I knew that if she could overcome her grief, and emerge a kinder, more empathetic person, then maybe I could, too.
She made me want to try, at least.
"You deserve to be happy," Louis whispers, shaking my shoulder once. Niall, Lucas, and Elijah nod in agreement, causing another wave of tears to stain my cheeks, and the vise around my chest to loosen.
I never knew how badly I needed to hear that.
"What if she won't speak to me?" I ask, my voice thick from crying. Louis and Niall exchange hesitant glances, and I swallow the heavy lump in my throat.
"You won't know until you try," Niall says, "But you have to try, Harry."
I nod slowly, sighing before I take a drink from the beer in my hand that's been soaking my palm with condensation. As intimidating as the thought of speaking to her is, I'm willing to do anything to get her back. At the very least, get her to hear me out.
I have to try - for her.
With a humorless chuckle, I shake my head, earning amused smiles from my four friends sitting around me.
"I think this is the worst birthday I've ever had."