*CW: sexual assault*
I saw more of Cain that week. He made it a point to not only walk me to my classes, but to spend his lunch break with me as well. Seeing me with other people changed him. Cain became jealous. Possessive.
Every moment of my free time was accompanied by him, as if he was afraid I would walk away and be lost forever. The time we were together, Cain made sure to keep his hands on me. A hug or kiss, holding hands, etc. He made a public display of our so-called relationship. It didn't take long for everyone around us to consider us an item. Even though we never had any conversation to define our titles to one another.
I was glad to have company. I didn't like to be alone with my anxious thoughts.
Usually, when anxiety felt overwhelming like this, I would sneak away to smoke. The buzz of nicotine would be enough to take my mind off whatever thoughts were bothering me. At least for a little while.
This weekend, Cain had a soccer game and asked me to come. Unfortunately, my chronically low grades left me grounded. My parents arranged for me to spend my afternoon with a math tutor instead of friends. Although I didn't want to spend my weekend doing homework, I was kind of glad to be away from Cain. He had gotten uncomfortably clingy.
***
The downtown shopping center had something for everyone. The antiqued stucco buildings stood one after another, filled with small boutiques and locally owned restaurants. Not one chain store in sight. On the weekends, police would close off Main Street to cars. The road would be covered in booths and private venders, an overflowing farmers market of fresh produce, handcrafted art and clothes, local honey, and other artisanal goods. It was a picture perfect scene: kids running about the side walk with balloons tied around their wrists, dogs preforming tricks for treats, a whole neighborhood blissfully coexisting.
I finished my tutoring lesson early and decided to wander through the market. Outside a bustling coffee shop on the corner, I spotted a cozy bench to rest on. The long green metal slats felt cool in the late afternoon. On both sides of the bench were large barrels, over flowing with freshly planted flowers. In fact the whole cafe was lined with a rainbow array of summer blooms. Thin tendrils of ivy crawled up the light blue walls.
I pulled my sketchbook from my bag, hoping to draw the cozy cottage. With my trusty old graphite pencil in hand, I got to work sketching the outline of the building. Making art, keeping my hands busy, made my brain go quiet.
I had just begun to shade in the details of the window shutters, when I heard someone calling my name. From in the middle of the street, buying a large cup of freshly squeezed organic lemonade was Cain, Monica, and Sara. He waved to me, still wearing his soccer uniform. The loose fitting red shirt was covered in bright green grass stains, his black shorts stopped high above his knees. Peeking from under the seam, I noticed a patch of gauze taped to his left thigh.
"Are you okay?" I asked, walking quickly to the group.
He kissed my cheek, "Just a scrape. It was a great game. I'm so glad the girls came to watch me play."
Monica laughed, hugging Cain from behind. I felt guilty, and I knew that was what he wanted me to feel. I took his hand, squeezing it lightly.
"Sorry I couldn't make it. I'll go to the next one. What are you guys up to now?"
"We were gonna grab lunch and walk to the school." Sara chimed in, "There's a baseball game tonight, they're usually so much fun to watch."
"That sounds great!" I said excitedly. Cain pulled his hand out of my grasp, looking at me with disgust.
"Let's talk in private. Why don't you guys go grab a table at Duke's and I will meet you there." He said.
The girls went off, giggling amongst themselves. Cain led me back over to the bench I had been sitting on. He sat down with a heavy sigh. His elbows rested on his knees, looking distantly at the side walk.
Cain sucked his teeth, "Is there some one else?"
I was confused.
"Is there someone on the baseball team that is more important than me? Are you cheating on me?" He spoke flatly.
"What?!" Now I was completely baffled, "Why on earth would you think that? I told you I was grounded. I wasn't allowed to go to your game, I'm not even supposed to be here!"
He shook his head and placed a hand on my thigh. "I just really care about you, newbie. And I need to know that you love me too."
Love? Yikes.
"Of course I care about you- "
Cain interrupted, "Great. Tonight, meet me at the movie theater. That new super hero movie is supposed to be pretty good. Let's go to the 7 o'clock showing. Unless you'd rather go drool over some sweaty jocks with Monica."
It didn't seem like there was much of a choice, so I agreed. I would find a way to convince my parents to unground me for the evening. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, he really did seem to care about me in some way. After all, he got jealous so quickly any time I was with someone else. I wasn't very used to relationships, maybe this is just what strong feelings looked like.
He kissed me goodbye and assured me he would purchase our movie tickets. I watched him jog off and join the girls for lunch. I waited on the bench for my dad's truck. The longer I sat, the more my stomach turned.
It's just a movie, what could go wrong?
***
Twenty minutes of bargaining later, I had gotten my parents to agree to the movie date. I quickly got myself ready: sweater, jeans, sneakers. Simple and easy, most importantly comfortable. I wasn't sure what Cain was expecting, but I was getting excited at the idea of spending a little quality time with him. I wanted to understand him better, and maybe figure out what was going on between us.
My mom walked in the room with a basket of laundry. Her way of secretly investigating, "So, who all is going to the movie with you?"
"Just me and.. some guy."
"Some guy? What guy? Is this a date?" her rapid fire questions overwhelmed me for a moment, then I laughed at her frantic response.
"Yes, mom! Some guy. We've been hanging out for awhile, I don't know. I'm not sure what it is, but it has been fun. I think he's serious."
My mom set down the basket and sat on my bed, a stern look on her face. "That's kind of fast for something serious, don't you think? Do you feel the same way?"
I shrugged, not wanting to answer. I wasn't sure what the truth was; I had never been in love, whatever was happening with Cain did feel like it was too soon. All I really knew was that his feelings were strong. Really strong.
Managing to convince myself that strong feelings were a good thing, I swallowed my nerves and offered my mom a smile. Reassuring her this was just for fun.
After vaguely answering mom's interview, my brother was the one to drive me to the theater. We arrived right on time, my sort-of date was waiting outside, two tickets in hand. I watched his mouth twist into a lopsided smile. Cain's bright colored shoes shined under the marque lights.
As I stepped out of my brother's car, Cain grabbed my arm, pulling me into an embrace. With my head on his chest, I smelled his pungent cologne. The feeling of his heavy jacket on around me had become familiar. I fell in to his plan, I wanted to stay around someone who wanted me so much.
A smile came over me as I followed him inside. There was hardly anyone else in the theater, the baseball game was the place to be for the rest of the town. Cain handed over our tickets and purchased a soda. I looked around the alarmingly red room we were waiting in. The carpet was a deep maroon with streaks of gold, faded by years of footsteps. The walls and ceiling were all painted a similar shade of red, with black molding and dozens of golden frames for posters of classic films like Gone with the Wind.
Cain led me down the darkened hallway to the theater. There were only two other people in the whole room, spread out from each other. Cain decided we should still sit further away, and picked some recliners in the far back corner.
"There is no one here! We could pick seats with a good view." I laughed.
Cain shook his head, his arm slung around my shoulders. "Nah, this is perfect."
The movie started, the already dim lights turned off. The speakers rumbled loudly, the bass vibrated in my chest. My senses were overwhelmed.
The movie began with a loud action scene.
He grabbed my thigh tightly.
There were explosions, bullets flying.
He kissed me.
The hero faced a villain.
He was on top of me, pulling at my jeans.
The hero got hit, the hero was hurt.
He peeled away at me.
I said no.
Fire burned all around.
I never felt so cold.
The villain got away.
He didn't stop.
I don't know what happened in the movie. The lights never really came back on.