The bell chimed loudly across campus. It was lunch hour, something I've dread the past few days. Only a week into the school year, I had become comfortable navigating my way through each of the buildings. When lunchtime arrived, I was overcome with my anxiety once again.
I gathered my belongings into my bag and prepared to exit the science lab. Maybe today I might see Cain. He had walked me to my class each morning, but I never saw him after that throughout the day. His absence made me hesitate calling him a friend, but the way he was with me made me believe we were very close. It was a confusing dynamic.
While I readied myself for another afternoon of sitting and eating alone somewhere, I noticed a familiar group walking the opposite way down the hallway. I recognized Monica, and Sara, linking arms with tall, older boys. The boy's long hair curled out from underneath their baseball caps, their jeans sagged around their waist despite the studded belts tied through them. They seemed oblivious of the girls in their posse. The boys spoke to each other with inside jokes and light hearted insults. None of them had a back pack, instead they held their skateboards closely.
From the doorway, I watched the crew slip out the back door of the science building. I heard the metal latch slam, as if it locked behind them. I wanted to know more.
Before I had the chance to peep through the window at them, I heard a sing-song voice echoing in the empty hallway. Skipping in from the front door, a tall girl followed after her friends. Everything about her was long and slender, she spun down the hall in her black ballet flats- her long patchwork scarf flowing in circles around her. In an instant, she arrived in front of me and placed her cold, smooth, hands on my face.
"Hello, little one." She cooed. Her wavy black hair framed her piercing blue eyes. Her eyes and nose were perfectly round, she smiled brightly behind pink lipstick. She looked me over, straightening out my shirt and brushing my hair over my shoulders.
I replied, "Hi?"
She wrapped her arms around me. Her embrace was thin but firm.
"Would you like to join us for lunch?"
"Um, that's okay." I was nervous.
"I'm Maddy. You're going to eat with us today." She took my hand and led me through the back door.
It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the light after sitting in the dimly lit lab for so long. I continued holding Maddy's hand. The door opened to a side walk that led around to the front of the building, a fire exit. We went off the path and trotted down the hill towards a chain link fence. There was a gap in one of the panels, covered by a thick bush. Maddy pushed aside the branches and walked through the hole. On the other side of the fence, sat in a close circle, was the same group as before. They had shared and lit a pack of smokes, and a travel sized bottle of cinnamon liquor. I was more intrigued than ever before.
Maddy wrapped her arms around me, leaning down to rest her head on top of mine. "Everyone. This is my new little friend."
The guys gave a half smile and nod my way. Monica and her friend rolled their eyes without looking up.
"Hey, I'm Stephanie." I said shyly. Maddy sat in the circle, pulling me down beside her.
We sat in the dry, yellow grass, hidden behind a wall of shrubs. The hill we were on overlooked the baseball field. Some how in the mid-day light, it looked even more impressive than when I had last seen it. As I sat with this odd new group, we watched some students run out onto the field. They pulled large metal rakes behind them, smoothing the rich brown dirt around the infield. Once all the preparation was finished, more players wandered onto the field in their exercise clothes and began to stretch. I watched the team warming up, as I wasn't a part of the conversation around me. After a cigarette, some potato chips, and a sip of the booze later; the bell rang out again to end the lunch hour.
The gang began to disperse, and to my surprise, the boys even reached out to me to say goodbye. I was even invited back to 'kick it'. Maddy gave me another prolonged hug, brushing her hands on my face one last time before skipping away to her next class.
What a weird afternoon, I thought to myself. I began walking to the mathematics building. Math of any kind was not my strong suit. Right now, I wasn't feeling completely uneasy about it. I had just had a genuinely good time with some new friends.
I had taken a few confident steps before someone grabbed my arm and barked, "Hey!"
"Cain?" I looked at him in surprise. Why was he so angry?
"What the hell were you doing with them?"
"Having lunch..? Are you seriously mad at me right now?" I yanked my arm out of his grip.
He shook himself off, trying to seem cool. "I'm just looking out for you, newbie. Those guys are not good news. Don't waste your time with those bums."
"Bums?" I laughed, "At least they spent some time with me. You just kiss me and disappear? Don't try to boss me around- "
Cain sucked his teeth, looking around us, before leaning in to whisper, "You're mine. No one here knows you, and if they do, they don't like you. Be a little grateful that I'm keeping you around. Things could change. Fast."
"Are you threatening me?" I said, trying not to let him see how afraid I was beginning to feel. Why wasn't there anyone else around?
The bell rang again, we were supposed to be in class. I wasn't sure what he would do, so I took a step away slowly. Cain had a mischievous grin.
"Have a nice day, newbie." He turned to walk away. I waited to be sure he disappeared before I made my way to the math building. The halls were empty.
I hustled into my classroom. The teacher stood at the front of the class, lowering her glasses at me. She crossed her arm tightly across her chest. Her black button-up was probably two sizes too small, the buttons stretched to stay closed across her stomach. She didn't seem to bother closing her shirt over her sun burnt breasts. Her nose and cheeks glowed a deep red, with dry peeling skin around the rest of her face. She pointed her boney finger at me, then the door, before speaking in a raspy voice.
"Everyone, please get out your worksheets for chapter 3 while I remind Ms. Thorne how to tell time."
I backed through the door way like a shameful dog. Mrs. Fend followed behind, closing the door, before holding up a clip board to me. It showed a wide spreadsheet of everyone's names in the class, beside each name were dozens of blank boxes.
"These columns are for your grades. Attendance is a factor. If you are not in your seat by the time the bell rings, I will consider you absent and will not accept your work."
"That hardly seems fair." I protested. She raised her brows in judgement. There seemed to be a lot of that here.
"Well, young lady, only one of us is coming back from lunch break smelling like smoke. I suggest you sit closer to the math building if you're worried about being late. Don't bother turning in your homework. Sit at your desk and get to work."
And so I did. Reaching my desk near the back of class, I dropped my backpack and fell into my seat. Anxiety overwhelmed me. So much happened so quickly, I didn't know what to make of any of it. All I seemed to be capable of for the time being was to stare out the window. As Mrs. Fend rambled on about the quadratic formula, her voice was drowned out by a loud ringing in my ears. The fluorescence above me grew brighter and whiter. My throat felt tighter with each passing moment.
***
At the end of the day, I hurried to Hannah's car. Walking uphill in the summer sun was no treat, even in Northern California. My eyes were fixed on the ground, hair hanging in my face like a shield. I pulled the edges of my sweater tightly over myself. I had to move quickly - my dizziness hadn't let up since my confrontation at lunch - I was afraid, if I stopped at all, I wouldn't be able to move at all.
This was supposed to be a new start. Am I drowning?
I stopped briefly as I passed the front office. A boy was walking towards me, neither of us moved when our paths crossed. I couldn't muster the strength to look up or apologize. We each took a half step to different sides. I saw his hand reach out, as if he wanted to say something.
I moved quickly, darting across the street towards Hannah's parked car. I could feel hot tears welling up in my eyes. I just want to go home.