Chapter 49
Thursday November 10th
Harry's POV
I Relapsed.
Since the moment I woke up from whatever unconscious state I was in and Lennon told me what had happened, I've hated myself ever since.
The first thought that came to my mind when I woke up in a hospital was that something bad had happened that involved the kids. The crushing realization that maybe we were involved in a car crash or something similar crossed my mind, and I desperately needed Lennon to tell me the kids were okay. I knew that Lennon couldn't handle anymore loss.
The last thought that would cross my mind was that I relapsed. I've really been keeping myself together since I stopped drinking. I still do get those familiar feelings in my stomach that make me want to reach for a bottle, but I've learned how to push those urges aside and maintain my sobriety. Taking a walk really helps clear my head and keep myself composed so I don't make the big mistake.
Aside from those uncommon times the urges rise, I've been proud of myself for how strong I've been with giving up drinking. It was really hard in the beginning, especially since I heavily relied on it for 2 and a half years, but I pushed through and finally got to a point that I felt confident to return to Theo's life. I only showed up on Lennon's doorstep because I felt I had a handle on it, the last thing I wanted to do was return with a major problem, one that I knew Lennon would have no tolerance for anyways.
That's why it was the most devastating thing in the world when Lennon had told me what I had done.
The total disgust was written on her face, it was the same way she looked at me years ago as she slammed a dinner plate during one of our biggest fights. The same way she looked at me countless of times as I drunkenly screamed at her with our baby sleeping in the next room.
I worked so hard on myself to not be that person anymore, the person that treated the woman I love like she was nothing. But the way she was looking at me as I lay in this hospital bed yesterday brought me right back to the utter disappointment mess I was when I was 20 years old.
I never wanted to be that man again, I never wanted Lennon to look at me like that again.
And here I am.
One day sober in a hospital room.
And regretfully, the familiar pit was back in my stomach, throwing all my progress away.
I found myself wanting to drink to drown out the big problem at hand and the letdown that I felt about Lennon taking Theo away from me. Although my fight to fix this had to be stronger than my want for alcohol.
I also cried.
I begged her to stay yesterday, to not leave the hospital room, and the look on her face before she turned around and walked away is engrained in my brain. I guess now I truly understand the weight of how she felt when I was gone, because it was the most awful thing to lay here as she walked away from me and shut the door on me.
I cried about Tuesday being the last time I'll see Theo, and how this time I didn't get to say goodbye to him. When I left, I snuck into his room in the morning and gently kissed his forehead as he slept and whispered to him how sorry I was and that I loved him so much. I didn't make it too long, the dread of what I was doing was already weighing me down and I had to make it quick so I didn't burst into tears.
This time, I'm being taken from him and I don't even get to see his face one last time.
I know Lennon wouldn't allow it.
I was lucky enough to get Lennon to forgive me once for all of what I had down, I'd be stupid to think she'll forgive me again.
And yet that didn't stop me from calling her 87 times last night.
I think she finally blocked me on call 88.
Last night pieces of what I had done had started to come back to me. I remembered coming home from babysitting, sad and in my head, and wanting to grab a bottle and drink away. It was sort of dark out, but I took a walk around the neighborhood to keep myself in check.
I walked for 2 hours.
2 hours and the feeling wouldn't go away. My only working coping mechanism wasn't working and I didn't know what to do. So instead, I dug around Jeff's house hoping to find a hidden stash somewhere. I was unlucky, and I should've known better that he wouldn't have any laying around in the same house as me. My search didn't stop though, and I drove to the nearest drug store to purchase what I needed.
I drank, a lot. I downed the bottles like it was nothing, like I didn't quit drinking for almost a year. The euphoria of drunkiness coursed through my body and I felt like I was on cloud 9 when I felt my feelings starting to fade away.
It wasn't long before Theo's unintentional words didn't hurt me anymore.
I don't know what time I fell in the bathroom and hit my head, but Jeff told me how bad the sight was when he arrived home early yesterday morning and saw what he saw.
My body was aching, but I didn't even care about the physical pain I was feeling right now. Knowing how badly I fucked up for my son and my sobriety hurt a thousand times more than anything else. I don't know how I would continue to live with myself if this mistake really ruins all the progress that I had made with Theo and Lennon.
I felt like Theo was finally starting to accept the fact that I was around, and that Lennon was on the path to trusting me again and wanting me in their life. All for it to come crashing back down because I got upset over something that I shouldn't have.
It just felt like the world stopped when I heard the word come out of Theo's mouth. I know that Lennon warned me of Theo's relationship with her late fiancé and the title that Hudson had held in Theo's life, but hearing my son actually call someone else dad for the first time was incredibly hurtful.
The whole rest of the afternoon that I was babysitting the kids, it was on my mind. I felt like I couldn't solely focus on the kids and I was relieved when Lennon came home so I could get out of the house.
The pain in my heart from Theo's innocent sentence was immense and it led me to do the one thing that I've been working so hard on.
I put in so much work to be a better person and overcome my addiction, it was incredibly hard, and each day is still taking effort and motivation, but I truly felt confident in where I was at.
All the hard work just to come crashing down right before I officially made it 365 days sober.
I guess the weight of Lennon's dad mixed with Theo's phrase became too much for me to take, and I failed. Shortly after the night that I got punched in the face by Lennon's father, I desperately wanted to have a drink. It was a hard night overcoming my desperation, but with the help of Jeff and a walk, I was able to push through it. However, his dislike and animosity towards me was still on the back of my mind.
I was wanting to tell Lennon about it when she asked me what was wrong one day, but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to load my problems onto her once again. She had her own things going on, and I needed to shut up and do my best to be there for her after how she defended me towards her parents.
The fact she confidently stood up to her parents regarding my character and my sobriety makes me feel even worse now that I'm lying in this godforsaken hospital bed wearing a stupid gown. Despite how much I thought I wasn't, maybe I still am that stupid and drunken 21 year old who never should have gotten a second chance.
I failed myself. I failed Lennon. And most important I failed Theo.
I doubt that Lennon will let me try and fix this. After how I treated her when we were together and I was at the start of my addiction, I don't blame her. I was awful, and my drinking problem was a big cause of why I treated her the way that I did. It's not an excuse, but after how we were years ago, I just can't see her wanting to put up with that again.
"It's your mom" Jeff informed me, outstretching my ringing phone towards me, but I shook my head. "What? You don't want to talk to your mom?"
"I don't want her to know about this" I declined.
"Harry" Jeff seemed hesitant.
"It would only make her upset, and I don't want someone else I love to be mad at me right now"
Jeff frowned, but respected my wishes and set the phone down as it stopped ringing. "I'm still proud of you"
"You don't have to pity me" I scoffed.
"I'm not. You practically made it a year, that's a long time to overcome something so difficult as this. We all know you've worked hard and... accidents happen but you've come incredibly far from where you began. You'll get back on track, and I'll be there to help you just like I was before"
"I'm starting all over and this time I don't even have a chance of Lennon forgiving me. I thought it was slim before, now? I'm fucked Jeff, and Theo was just starting to hang out with me. I think Lennon was coming around, and even the twins I'm disappointed about not seeing again. I fucked it all up. You didn't see the way she was looking at me" I put my head into my hands.
"You truly believe she's just done? Just like that?" Jeff crossed his arms, inquisitively looking at me.
"I treated her awful before I left. The drinking was a big part of that, and I don't blame her for thinking I'm not as changed as I said I was..."
"Lennon's a nurse, and she's a smart woman. She knows addiction is a disease, and she knows the chances of relapse and how it's not just always by a choice. She understands how deep addiction can go. I think she'll come around" Jeff tried to encourage, but I didn't believe it.
"Just because she knows all of that doesn't mean she wants to put up with it again... i-I felt like I did what I had to do when I took that first sip, but I'd be dumb to be mad at her for hating me right now" I shook my head. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying, but I can't sit here and be that offended she wants nothing to do with me when she's only protecting herself and the kids.
I can't fault her for wanting to be a good mother.
I just wish I'll still get the opportunity to be a good father.
Lennon's POV
Sunday November 13th
"Look Lia, stand up like your brother" I smiled. The kids and I were all hanging out on the living room floor spending some time together. Atticus has been working really hard on pulling himself up to a standing position the last few days, and Theo is insistent that Lia grasps the concept immediately so she could match her brother. The babies are 9 months old, but developmentally they're more towards 7 months since they were born early, so it's not shocking that Lia isn't there yet.
In fact, I was in more shock when I turned around and saw Atticus had pulled himself up using the couch and was grinning at me the other day.
"Momma, why isn't she standing?" Theo asked, letting Lia latch her whole hand around one of his fingers and flailing it around.
"Because she doesn't know how to yet buddy" I answered.
"But Atti does" he countered, confused.
"They'll probably learn how to do things at different times. Remember how Lia giggled before Atti did? It's just because they're different people" I smiled at him, and ran my fingers through his curls. I really need to get his hair cut, despite not wanting to.
"Oh"
Since everything happened with Harry, I've spent the last few days really just focusing on the kids. I've ignored his texts, his calls, his emails, and I assumed a letter would be making it's way to my mailbox pretty soon if he doesn't get an answer soon. I've done my best to block out his existent from my mind, although it was hard.
I was honestly just torn on what to do.
Although it's been a few days, I've still felt quite angry. I haven't allowed myself to feel anything but that since I've tried not to think about it, but a part of me knew it was angry. Otherwise, I've tried to keep him out of my thoughts because it was too painful and stressful to think about.
I was at a loss, and I was tired of being put in hard situations. Theo was seemingly starting to accept Harry being around, and now it's all flipped upside down yet again and I'm stuck picking up pieces for a second time.
So I focused on the one thing that I knew would keep me happy, the kids and making sure they had smiles on their faces.
After the craziness of last week with the kids being sick and the exhaustion, it was nice to have a more relaxing weekend with them. We even ventured out to an indoor play place for the kids to enjoy and I felt comfortable with it because we brought Lyanna along with us.
It was a good distraction.
"Alright, let me go make the babies their bottles for bedtime" I told Theo, getting up from the floor and asking him to keep an eye on them for a moment.
"Okay!" He agreed, excitedly.
I prepared the twin's bottles and then I snuggled up with Lia and fed her, and Theo asked to feed Atticus so I let him sit nearby me and help out. Once the twins were fast asleep in their cribs, I helped Theo brush his teeth and get changed.
"Can we read to the stars?" Theo asked quietly, and of course I agreed. I myself could honestly use the time to sit outside in Hudson's presence right about now, and I would never deny Theo asking to spend some time with his dad.
We picked out two books and made our way outside to the blanket we sit on outside, and I let Theo go ahead and "read" the first book underneath the night sky.
"Which one's daddy?" Theo asked, looking at all of the stars that lit up the night sky.
"That one" I whispered, and pointed to the brightest one that I saw.
"I miss him" Theo frowned.
"I know buddy, I do too" I pulled him closer and kissed the top of his head.
When Theo was ready, I read the second book aloud to him, a book all about the power of forgiveness and what it means. He seemed to like it, and I felt a little attacked by it, but nevertheless we read the book and then headed inside.
Theo curled up close to me tonight, and I happily wrapped my arms around him and held him close.