"She's going well, she just need to rest herself and take her medicine well."
"Oh! thankyou so much doc!"
"It's alright Ms. It's our job to take care of every patient out there, anyways i gotta go"
"Yes po doc! Thanks again." I heard those conversations from my Ate and with that Doctor
"My pleasure..."
_____
"Hay... thanks God you're awake!" She quickly run on me to hug.
"What happened?" I ask
"Anong what happened? Ikaw dapat ang tatanungin ko!" Nagulat ako sa tuno ng pagsasalita nya, mukhang makakatanggap na naman ako ng sermon.
"bakit mo yun ginawa?" I just stared her blankly
"Ang alin?"
"Anong ang alin? wag mo akong pinagluluko ah, bakit mo yun ginawa?" I rolled my eyes as she ask again, I really don't get what she's referring to.
"I don't know."
"bakit ka mag swi-suicide?" I frowned when she said those words
"Pardon?"
"Alam mo ang sinasabi ko Arny, sagutin mo ang tanong ko."
"I really don't know, I didn't tried to kill myself."
"Didn't? eh ano ang mga ito?" She took my wrist and force me to see it, I averted my eyes.
"It's just for fun." I gulped when i made an alibi
"For fun? Umabot ba sa pag inom ng Coke at biogesic ang for fun mo? Sa tingin mo ba makakatulong yun sayo, nawala ba yung sakit sa paglalaslas mo?!" I couldn't look straight into her eyes, I'm out of words that's why I chose to stay silent.
"I didn't know that it was biogesic, and I was too late when i knew that the liquid of that bottle was a coke, in short I didn't do it intentionally and it was all accident." I said the truth, I still look my eyes in the window near on me.
"At itong mga sugat mo? lumipad ang blade para putulin ang mga ugat mo?" i bit my lips, imma speechless. I gulped
"Arny naman, kung may problema ka nandito naman ako pwede kang magsabi sakin" I still couldn't look into her eyes, I want to end this conversation.
"Hindi mo kailangan umabot sa ganito" napabuga ako ng hangin sa mga narinig, parang umiinit ang ulo ko, nararamdaman ko rin ang pag badya ng mainit na likido sa gilid ng mga mata ko, but I stay silent, I'm fighting the urge not to let my fvckin tears pour again, specially that there's have someone looking at me.
"Pwede mo akong lapitan at kwentuhan..."
"May magbabago ba..." Mahina lang ang pagkakasabi ko pero sapat na para marinig nya.
Silence...
"Arny kaila..." I cut her off
"Anyways where's Mom and Dad?" I changed the topic, yumuko ito at mabilis na pinunasan ang luhang nahulog galing sa mata nya, i hate it. May napaiyak na naman ako, I'm such a cursed person, wala akong kwenta! lagi nalang akong nangdadamay ng iba.
"W-wala sila sa b-bahay pagdating ko." She tried to hide the crack of her voice but it's still obvious. She averted her eyes and wipe her tears.
"Hapon na ng maabutan kita kahapon sa kwarto mong nakahiga sa sahig ng walang malay, I still didn't contact them so they still don't know about this yet." It's a relief that they don't know about this but it hurts at the same time, they didn't even bother to check me in my room, wala rin silang pakialam kong nakapasok or pumasok naba ako ng school pero sobra makapag salita kapag bumababa ang grades ko.
I gulped. Kahit na anong mangyari sakin wala parin silang alam dahil wala silang pakialam.
"Please don't tell them" she look me in a puzzle eye after i said those words.
"Please? I don't want them to know..." napayuko ako
"But Arny they have the rights to know of what's happening on you." I bit my lips, i expected her to say this.
"it's not a big deal... "
"What? not big deal? Arny do you even heard you self? If hindi kita naabutan and if i haven't arrived unto our house, you almost died!" Yeah it's not a big deal I almost died a countless times.
"They need to know this because they're still our par..."
"When?" I cut her off
She closed her eyes to calm her self, I still didn't let my tears to fall. I tried my best to hide any emotions while talking at her.
"Just this one, Please I don't want them to know. They don't need too." Tinalikuran ko na sya at muling inihiga ang sarili sa kama ng hospital, it's my sign that I want to end the conversation, a few after i haven't heard anything from her.
__________
The night seems so cold, I'm facing the moon right mow, I chose to open my window just how i used to.
Mag isa nalang ako sa hospital ngayon dahil kailangang umuwi ni ate, but she'll come back tomorrow para iuwi ako.
Hindi na sya sa bahay umuuwi dahil matagal na syang lumayas, she just worried on me when she heard from my classmates that I didn't go to school yesterday that's why she decided to visit me in our house.
Just like me. She got tired of living in our house that's why she left, but I stayed. and now I'm burden the responsibility to fullfil their expectations before on my sister.
We're like a cards. she's the first and I'm the second. No one talks about the second card that gets pressured because the first card failed. And as the second card, I have to thrust into the role of a reluctant breadwinner. I feel the weight of the expectations that placed on my shoulders. Each day the struggle to find motivation becomes more daunting, as the fear of failure looms over me like a constant shadow.
The mantra that guided me through this challenges became my lifeline, 'I can't afford to fail, I don't have a backup, I am the backup.' These words weren't just a motto, they were a rallying cry thats echoing through my every endeavor. I have to be strong not because that i want to but because i had to, I defied expectations. The realization that I'm my own backup plan intensifies the pressure.
I wanted to leave in our house too, I'm tired of living with a toxic household, but I couldn't leave my parents knowing that my Ate left them already and I don't know where to go, my sister has her own life and I don't want her to carry me just because of my own mess, I don't have a shelter to come I don't have a home to rest, I'm just living in a house but not in a home.
I remembered what happened last night.
"agh! Ma masaket!" I screamed.
"Talagang masasaktan kang bata ka!" I tried to let go of her but she pulled my hair harder.
"Tutulad ka rin sa ate mo? ha! Ano nag rerebelde kana?!" She slapped me again, All i did was to cried
Papa was watching us but he didn't bothered to stop Mama from harming me. He just looked at me with his disappointed eyes.
"Gusto mo na rin bang lumayas?! ha?! titigil ka rin sa pag aaral mo? gagayahin mo talaga yang ate mo?!" Those words were like a sounds that echoing into my ear.
"Na walang kinabukasan dahil sinira nya na! Magpasalamat ka nga dapat dahil pinag aaral ka!" Yeah i should be thankful right? It's not their responsibility.
"Wala kang kwenta! hindi ka man lang marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob!" Yeah I'm a worthless and such a burden for them, right i owe it, but did you even ask me if I'm glad that i was born in this world?
"Sana hindi ka nalang pinanganak!" I wished that too.
"Sana namatay ka nalang!" Just wait.
I accepted all of those hurtful words that cut me deeper than my blade, and didn't even say something, I kept my mouth shut, because they're right ofcourse they're always right, in the sake of they're my parents and I'm just their daughter I'll be the always wrong here.
I breathed, i felt a warm liquid down to my checks as I reminisce what happened last night.
The cold air embrace my skin, i feel the heavy of my eyelids that leads me to sleep.
'My tears never leave me whenever i want to sleep in the night, that's how i used to.'
Itutuloy...
#LIFE'S SUCKS