Client: GregsRawWriting
Reviewer: Owls1221
Title: 8.5/10
The title is interesting, could imply certain meanings and themes behind it.
Cover: 7.5/10
The cover is nice and simple, but I wouldn't say it's the type that grips the readers' attention as it's just a picture of someone with the title on it.
Summary: 6/10
The summary had good bits. But for the most part it's long and detailed with information that I think we're supposed to figure it out on our own as we follow the narrative. Well, they're not secrets to be precise but still, it's preferable if you don't tell us directly what this boy is struggling with and what he wants to achieve.
It kind of feels like you've put the first chapter in the summary rather than, you know, writing a short and brief summary of what your story is about. There were also bits where you mentioned things but never elaborated further or never mentioned it again. The part where you mentioned his childhood best friend was confusing in terms of syntax and adding clarification? Same goes to the final bit about newfound knowledge, here it seems there's an issue with syntax and punctuation I think. It basically makes me ask "and?" everytime I read these sentences.
Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation: 8/10
There weren't too many errors with spelling, and the spelling that I'm referring to is the one revolving correct words for certain sentences or actions. For example in Chapter 2.1, you wrote "water off his nose". Here I think you meant to say "on his nose", otherwise it makes me think of the water that's coming out of his nose instead of sweat that's on his nose.
As for grammar, there were some errors with syntax and the usage of punctuations. The mistakes are similar to the ones I mentioned in the summary, in which you add sentences that seem/sound incomplete.
As for punctuation, I noticed that you used a lot of commas in your writing, try to lessen these. And for commas in dialogue, try to uncapitalise the next word whenever you add a comma before it, even if the character is continuing their speech. Like this:
X incorrect X:
"He was the one who started this," he continued, "And besides, I was minding my own business!"
O correct O:
"He was the one who started this," he continued, "and besides, I was minding my own business!"
Do this with ellipsis as well. I noticed that you sometimes start dialogue with ellipsis and keep the first letters small. And the fact you spaced each dot. As I said in the previous review with "Ballad of Falling Light", ellipsis is usually put at the end of the word or sentence when you write in English. They should be used like this:
X incorrect X:
She stood there blinking at him ". . . are you sure you were minding your own business? Fred?"
O correct O:
She stood there blinking at him "Fred... Are you sure you were minding your own business?"
Other than that, I still understood what was happening in the story.
Vocabulary: 9/10
The words were excellent except for minor repetitions, but they didn't affect much.
Hook: 8.5/10
Some of the events in the book hooked me but not very much. Well, it made me root with the character instead and make comments along the way like "I'm sorry Kori, but you deserve better than Gina" and "what?! They stole Kori's saps and claimed them as their own work– This is outrageous!".
Character Development: 9.5/10
It's good we're seeing Kori's efforts put into action; him breaking his habits and trying to gain confidence when interacting with people was presented very well and had a realistic portrayal.
Plot Development and Pacing: 8/10
The plot is developing. I would say it was a bit slow but steady. I'll explain further in the other sections.
Writing: 7.5/10
The writing was truly lovely. I loved the way you described the setting and landscapes and how you related the character's thoughts to them; the way you described sounds which helped us picture the situations (the avalanche scene). And the way you gradually shifted from the setting to the character's interesting thoughts and emotions was amazing.
Also, it's a small detail but, I liked how you included a fantasy version of a Rubik's cube being made entirely of wood (obviously because it was mediaeval times). That's a very interesting detail that I've never seen before in fantasy stories (and based on your profile picture it seems like you're a really big fan of rubik's cube). It's actually nice to see authors put references to things they really like into their book. It's harmless really.
However, as you can see in the score, it is indicative of possible errors in your writing. You see, your writing is really good. But the way you wrote other characters was confusing in some way.
One chapter we were inside Kori's head since you used the First Person POV, but then in the next chapters (sometimes even within the same paragraphs) when he's with other characters, you tend to shift between not only First and Third Person POV but also other characters' perspectives. And the fact when you shift to other characters you tend to let the characters literally tell us their backstories and what they think of Kori. This was done without warning or signposting that we're going to be focusing on a particular character that isn't Kori. Furthermore, you haven't clearly indicated exactly whether Kori was thinking or talking/describing the events happening around him.
You see, this negatively affects how we read the narrative and the fact you're telling us directly what other characters (who seem to be side or background characters) are thinking about our main character seems out of place and unrealistic.
Here's my writing advice. It's best if you add a symbol to indicate a time skip or that we're switching the POV of characters. Additionally, stick to one or two characters POV that are important or relevant to the plot and show us their perspective only. We can't read people's minds in real life so the characters shouldn't know what others are thinking or going through. Furthermore, when it comes to First and Third Person POV, you must stick to one of these in one chapter or after a time skip. You can't shift in between within the same paragraph because, again, readers will be confused on whether this character is thinking to themselves or are describing the events.
Here's an example that could help you understand my point. It's from one of my works.
X incorrect X:
Silence draped over the room as the men stood there, staring at me in disbelief and shame washing down upon them. He fell back to his seat with his eyes still locked on them. "Now, tell me, what exactly happened when you went to the west?"
The two men followed my position by sitting in their seats.
O correct O:
Silence draped over the room as the men stood there, staring at me in disbelief and shame washing down upon them. I fell back to my seat with my eyes still locked on them. "Now, tell me, what exactly happened when you went to the west?"
The two men followed my position by sitting in their seats.
If you read the incorrect version of the extract, you would be confused, right? You will question who this third man is in the scene. At first it was First Person, but with the change to Third Person within the same paragraph, that's where you got confused about the sudden appearance of a third man. What happened to "I" or "Me"?
What I'm trying to say here is, be consistent with POV and stick to one character per chapter or time skip.
Personal Enjoyment: 7.5/10
In general, I enjoyed certain parts of the story. However, I felt like I still didn't quite grasp what the main conflict of your book is about (I only managed to read up until chapter 10). Yes you did say in your summary it's about Kori overcoming his insecurities and such, but I always wondered about the main element of your story. Basically, I was asking myself where's the inciting incident that actually starts the book off? Where is the story's climax? So far the book only focused on Kori's life and what he's struggling with and participating in the village's annual event. The topic of him experimenting with the colour-changing stone is interesting, yes, but not that interesting.
What about world-building? All I know at the moment is that there was this Darkness that killed people and now it left. Is your world based on our world but in a different timeline? Or is it different? Are there creatures other than gnomes and centaurs? Are kings ruling this nation your character lives in? To be honest, I felt like you haven't introduced much of the world and how it worked. And it actually felt like a real life mediaeval village with very little fantastical elements.
One final thing, I know that I've only read up to chapter 10, but at this point a thought came to mind and it affected my reading in some way. This is my personal opinion after all, so. I noticed that in the narrative all I'm seeing here are ordinary things we people go through and I'm not witnessing enough fantasy as you said. It kind of felt like I was reading general fiction that took place at a different timeline. Then this thought popped up in my mind as I was reading the book. What if your story focused only on internal conflicts rather than external ones?
You see, again this is my personal opinion, when it comes to my tastes in fantasy stories, I'd rather read fantasy stories that focus on external forces and surface level action. I was expecting more action or events that were much bigger in the book other than Darkness killing people and then disappearing, seeing gnomes from the distance, having a stone that changes colour based on Kori's mood, and interacting with a centaur for just a moment and then it leaves. All I saw was a character pondering about their insecurities and doing stuff that we already do in real life. Also the fact this continued up until chapter 10, I did feel bored at some point.
But here's another final piece of advice from me (I think you need this). I highly suggest you add what we Wattpad authors call "Author's Note". This is an optional section of the book but most of us (actually maybe all of us writers) put this section at the very beginning of our book. This section (at least to me) is so important because it's a place where I get to thank readers for checking my book out, but it's mostly for announcing, declaring, and addressing topics related to the book they're reading. I can even tell/admit that my writing won't be perfect because English is my second language for example.
To me it's an essential chapter because I need to tell readers what my story is exactly about but most importantly, warn them of any potential trigger warnings that may come up in the narrative. Here's an example:
"Hello, I hope you're doing well! If you're reading this then I want to thank you for choosing to read this book! I really appreciate it.
The story you're about to read is about Y and Z and the main theme is Q and W. It will mostly involve concepts of P and V
Before you read on, I must warn you that there's going to be trigger warnings! These are H, G, K, and R!
And that's it, I hope you enjoy the book!"
So overall, the book was really good in terms of painting the landscape and showing the character's struggles with insecurities and overcoming them. But it still needs fixing with how other characters are used in the narrative and writing style.