The nurse unhooked Tom's IV, and said he was ready to go. I said, "Tom, I need to use the restroom, then we can go. Doug is going to drive us." I gave Tom a hug and kiss and left.
I went into the lady's bathroom and sat against the wall crying. I have tried to not cry in front of Tom. He needs me to be strong, to be positive, to have faith that he will wake up, but the risk of him not waking up at all, terrifies me, and then what, after the surgery and remember me and the babies. But I'm terrified that he won't.
If that happens, I don't know. I will lose him for sure probably. Because I don't think I could get him to fall in love with me a third time.
Judy followed me in. She sat on the floor and took my hand. I put my head on her shoulder and cried.
I said, "Judy I'm scared. Tom needs me to be strong, but I'm so damn scared."
After a little bit, I washed my face, and then went into Tom's room.
He said, "hey baby." I went and hugged him. Trying not to cry.
Tom said, "I'm so sorry Lexie."
I said, "no it's not your fault." I kissed him.
I said, "Are you ready to go home, see the babies?"
Tom said, "yes." He was trying to hold back tears. I hugged him. The nurse came and wheeled him out, and Doug and Judy pulled up and Tom and I got in the backseat.
Tom had his arm around me, and I put my head on his shoulder. There was silence in the car except for the radio.
We got home. Tom's mom had gone home an hour ago. To see if the guys needed her to take over with the babies.
Tom and I walked inside, and Thomas started walking over to us, with his arms held out. I broke down crying. I put my head on Tom's back. I said, "I'm sorry. I'm trying to not cry."
Tom was crying to as he picked up Thomas. He said, "It's okay. I know you're scared."
I said, "Tom come sit down in the recliner."
He brought Thomas. When Tom sat down, Alyssa was crying holding out her hands to him. I said, 'I know baby girl you want your daddy." I picked her up from Dennis and took her to Tom. Giving her kisses, then putting her in Tom's lap.
Tom's mom recorded video, and so did Judy. I sat by Tom and the babies.
Alyssa needed a diaper change, so I took her.
Thomas fell asleep, so Margaret said she would put him in his crib.
Judy came with me, and Doug, Harry, and Dennis were on the couch.
Dennis said, "Hey Hanson I just wanted you to know I'm really sorry you are going through this."
Tom said, "Thanks. Also, thanks for helping when I had that seizure."
Dennis said, "sure. Just hang in there Hanson."
Harry said, "Tom I'm sorry. But Booker is right. Just have faith and hang in there."
Tom said, "I'm so f---- scared. I've never been more scared in my life."
Dennis said, "I'm sure. I know I would be."
Tom said, "I'm scared of not waking up, but even more scared to wake up, and be in darkness again, not know Lexie. I can't lose her. I love her so much. She's my entire world. Her and the babies. What if I forget?"
Doug said, "don't worry about that right now."
Tom said, "Booker, Penhall, Ioki, I need you to all promise me, you won't let me hurt Lexie, If this happens again, I don't care what you have to do to me. Booker, you have permission to knock me out. Put me in a strait jacket. Just don't let me hurt Lexie. I am going to make a video and I want you to play it for me over and over, until I get how much I love her and need her. Promise me."
Doug said, "Tom, I already gave you, my word."
Harry said, "I promise. Come on Hanson we stopped you from making the worst decision of your life, once before. We will do it again."
Dennis said, "I have permission to hit you, huh no thanks. I'll have to find another way to stop you, because if I hit you, your wife would have my ass."
The guys laughed. I said, "That's right Booker. No one is allowed to hit Tom, no matter what."
Judy said, "Guys we need to go, so they can have time together. Lexie call me if you need anything. I'll check in with you later." She hugged me.
She said, "Tom just have faith. I will definitely be praying so hard for you." Tom said, "Thanks."
She hugged him.
One by one the guys gave Tom a hug. First Doug, then Harry. Booker started to give Tom a handshake, but then gave him a side hug.
They all hugged me and said call if you need anything.
I said, "Tom the kids are asleep, your mom has them in with her, how about we go take a nap. I need you to hold me.
Tom said, "Sounds good." We got up and went to the bedroom.
Tom said, "Alexandria are you okay?"
I tried to think of what to say to reassure him. But the fact my tears are betraying me. I can't stop them from falling, and I don't want to cry in front of him.
I said, "yes. I just love you so much. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."
Tom said, "no Lexie. It's not your fault. It's my job not only as your man, but as your partner to protect you. I'd take that bullet for you again."
Tom kissed me. The kiss said so much, without words. Love, passion, fear, desperation, urgency.
Tom said, 'I love you so much Lexie. I hope you know that."
I said, "I do. I love you. You should try and go to sleep."
Tom said, "no I don't want to sleep. Lexie, I want to make love to you."
I said, "Tom I want that to, but I don't want it to cause you to get worse. Doctor said to rest."
Tom said, "Lexie please. I need to hold onto you. I'm terrified. That I won't make it through the surgery, or if I do that, I will wake up in that dark hole again and be alone, and not know you. I'm terrified I'll lose you."
I said, "Tom, I promise you, you won't lose me. I will never give up on you, on us, on our love."
Tom said, "promise me that you will fight me Lexie, don't do what you did last time, and just do what I said. Fight me, yell at me, refuse to give in. Promise me right now Alexandria."
I said, "I promise Tom. I will fight for you, for me, for our kids, for our life, for our love. I'm not going anywhere Tom. The kids and I will be here waiting for you."
I kissed him. We made love.
I said, 'Tom, I know you want to spend time with the kids, I'll go see if they are awake.
I got dressed and went to get the kids. Brought them in and put them in bed with us. Tom had both of them in his arms.
I wanted to let Tom have alone time with them, so I went into the bathroom, but had the door open so I could hear them.
Tom said, "um God I don't know how to do this." I heard him crying and it broke my heart. I looked out and he was kissing both of them.
Tom said, "I never wanted to be a dad, but then I met your beautiful mommy, and I fell in love with your mommy, and I love being your dad. I'm the luckiest man in the world to have your mom and you two beautiful babies. Thomas, you made me a dad, and I love you son, so much, Alyssa I love being a girl dad. I love you sweetheart, so much. You are my baby girl. I want to watch both of you grow up, maybe make another brother or sister for you with your mommy. I want to be here you kids are my world. I love you so much. Every day with you has been the best days of my life, and the greatest gift. I am so terrified I am going to lose you. I wish I didn't have to have the surgery, but I couldn't tell your mommy no when she begged me. I hope I am doing the right thing. I know the doctor is right, and I am doing the right thing, but I'm scared. I don't know if I will make it out of surgery, and if I do, well the last time I messed up so bad, I almost lost your mommy."
Thomas said, "momma." Tom said, "you have the most beautiful momma. Son, I know you are too young, but I want you to always protect your mommy and your little sister. I hope that I'm here to protect them. I hope that if I don't make it, your mommy tells you all about me. I know you both are too little to remember me."
That broke me, and I sat on the floor in the bathroom sobbing.
Tom was crying. Thomas said, "Dadda." Alyssa was touching Tom's face. He was kissing both of them.
Tom said, "This is so unfair. I could lose you and your mommy. I want to be your dad so bad. I had so many plans for us. Thomas teaching you how to bowl. Throwing the football, shooting hoops, baseball, Alyssa if you wanted to do sports teaching you, but I wouldn't want to make you, if you weren't interested. I don't know much about little girls. I don't understand girls at all. But your mommy was going to help me with that. She had all kinds of things that I could do with you Alyssa. Painting your fingernails. Tea parties, mommy says not with real tea, and Thomas you would be invited. Thomas, I wanted to show you how to fix cars, if you were interested same with you Alyssa. I love reading to both of you, and playing with you, and your mommy said that when you get older Alyssa, you would want me to not read to you, but tell you stories, and I was thinking about that, and I had one I was going to tell you."
Tom said, "I may not get the chance, so I'm going to tell you now."
I decided to record Tom, to have this video for me and for the kids. So, I had hit record before I left the room. My phone was on the bed.
Tom said, "Alyssa I know you're too little to understand, and Thomas so are you, and you may not like love stories, I didn't when I was your age, until I met your mommy. I love your mommy so much. It's not fair. I don't remember when we first met, and I wish I could make it through the surgery and get the chance to remember. She says it's okay, but it's not okay to me. I want to remember."
Tom said, "Alyssa so my story for you, there was this boy, and he grew up feeling alone. He had his dad, and his mom, and he loved them, but he felt like he didn't fit in with his friends, and it was hard. He let his dad down because he didn't want to follow his dad's rules, he thought they were too hard and too tough and strict. He did what he wanted, and then it was too late, because he lost his dad."
"This boy had a lot of pain, carried around a lot of pain, a lot of darkness inside of him, a lot of guilt. Something I hope neither of you ever have, pain or guilt or regret. And I don't remember, but I know that your mommy when I met her, she made me feel better. She was the light to my darkness. I do remember how much pain I was in when I woke up from that coma, how I felt alone, except for your mommy, and I was scared and hurt her, and I will always regret that. But I realized I needed her. And if she left me later, and hurt me, then I would deal with it then. Anyway, to my story, this boy met this girl, she was the most beautiful girl, but also the sweetest, kindest girl, and she was a princess. Now this boy wasn't a prince, far from it. And he was not good enough for the princess. But you know what, the princess didn't think that because she fell in love with him, and she loved him, and they made a beautiful baby, but that baby didn't make it. But they held onto each other, and made another beautiful baby boy, you Thomas, and then a beautiful princess Alyssa, just like your mommy."
"I love you."
I came out. Tom said, "There's mommy." I went and sat with Tom and the kids.
I said, "Tom I know your mom needs time with you. I'm going to get her, and then I am going to call and talk to Judy for a little while."
Tom said, "Okay." He kissed me.
I went and told Margaret to go spend time with Tom. She asked if I was sure, she knew he needed time with me, but I told her no he needs his mom.
Tom's view:
How do I do this? Thomas and Alyssa are babies. They don't understand what I'm saying. I pray that I come out of this surgery. That I wake up. But even more that I wake up knowing them. I'm terrified I will wake up and not remember them. What kind of dad would I be if that happens.
These two kids are the most beautiful babies. The sweetest. Smartest. I am so blessed to be their dad. I want more time with them. Please God don't take them from me.
Lex is trying to be strong for me. But I know she is terrified. She is trying to control her tears. So, she says she has to go to the bathroom, or into the kitchen. It's to get away so she can cry. I'm scared of losing her. I love her so much. I know how bad I hurt her, and I'm so lucky that she chose to stay with me. Instead of dumping me.
Mom comes in. She's trying to be strong as well, but I can see in her eyes she's terrified.
She said, "Tom, I know you need time with the kids, alone. I just wanted to check on you."
I said, "Thanks mom. Mom, I need to ask you for a favor."
She said, "of course."
I said, "Mom there is something I need you to know first. If I make it out of the surgery."
She cried.
I said, "I'm sorry. But there is a chance I won't. But I just want you to know I'm grateful for all you've done for me. I love you, and I'm sorry for the times I gave you a hard time, and for how I gave dad a hard time."
She said, "Tom you did what any other kid does. What your kids are going to do to you."
She said, "I love you, Tom. And I can't allow myself to even think that you won't make it out of the surgery, so please just get to your favor."
I said, "if I wake up and I don't know the kids or Lexie, please promise me that you will fight me or do whatever you have to do, to get me to not push Lexie away. I'm so scared I'm going to lose her."
She said, "I promise, but I don't believe that will happen. I know it did last time, but your love is so strong Thomas."
I said, "Mom I need to talk to Lexie, can you take the babies." She said, "yes, I'll go get her."
Lexie came in. I was sitting on the edge of the bed. I was going to walk out to her, but I got dizzy.
She said, "Tommy, are you okay?"
I said, "yeah I just was going to walk to you, but I got a little dizzy."
I could see the worry and concern in her eyes.
I said, "Lexie, I need you to know how much I love you. You are the only girl I've ever loved. The only girl in my heart. In my soul. I just need you to know how much I love you and thank you for loving me."
She said, "Tom stop." She was crying and hugged me.
She said, "I'm sorry. I love you. So much. You are the only man I will ever love. You are my heart, my soul. But Tommy you are making it sound like you are telling me goodbye. Please."
I said, "Lexie I just need to say this. Just in case." I kissed her. Kissing her tears away.
I said, "Lexie, I love you. More than you could know."
Lexie's view:
It's breaking my heart. Tom sounds like he's saying goodbye. This can't happen. I can't lose him. I hug him and hold onto him so tight. Kissing his jaw, cheek, face.
I said, "I love you, Tommy. Always and forever. Only you." I kissed him.
Tom said, "Lexie I." But then he stopped. He said, "I don't feel so good. I think I'm going to throw up." I helped him to the bathroom, and then he knelt down and was throwing up.
I said, "Tommy I'm calling an ambulance."
Tom said, "no I'll be okay. Lexie. Please. I need the weekend."
I said, "Tom no. I'm sorry. But you heard the doctor, if there are any symptoms. Tom please."
Tom said, 'Okay." The pain on his face, and sound in his voice, broke my heart. All he wanted was this weekend, with our kids, and now he has to go. It's not fair. God this isn't fair. How can you do this? Take him from the kids like this. They need him.