THE WAY WE WERE

CHAPTER 9: DEPRESSION

I am so disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger than this. At least a little stronger.

I am the one who begged God to bring Tom back, to let him live his life, even if it meant that I lost him. I knew that there was a chance he wouldn't remember me. But I'd rather that he doesn't remember me and he's happy and able to live his life rather than be in a coma.

But it hurts so bad, pain unlike any I've ever known and I can barely function. 

What am I going to do?  I can barely function. This pain hurts so deep, that I can barely manage to walk. It's paralyzing me. I can sleep. Unless I'm drunk. Being drunk is the only thing that gives me any kind of peace. But I can't just get drunk every day and night the rest of my life.

The guys are all worried about me. Dennis wants to kill Tom. I am worried he will try and attack him.

Doug and Harry are done with Tom. They are furious with him. Especially when they heard from Dennis what Tom pulled with Judy.

They said they won't attack him right now, but after he's recovered and home from the hospital, they both are punching him.

My heart is breaking for Tom. He's losing all of his friends. 

I was told that I was being kidnapped tonight. That they won't take no, that I'm going out with Doug, Harry, Dennis and Judy. They want to try and make me feel better. To be there for me.

I love them for that. I know they mean well. But I just want to be alone.

I don't want to go. But I agreed to go with them for a little while. I told them that I will ruin their mood and if they want to have a good time they should forget including me.

It really hit me hard to go over to our place, well Tom's place. And get the last of my stuff. I hated to tell his mom that I was filing for divorce. She tried to talk me out of it. Told me to not rush. But I told her I have to do this for Tom. That I begged God to let Tom wake up, even if it meant I lost him. And that he hates me. I only upset him. He hates the sight of me, and my voice. I want him to be happy and he's not with me. He's made that clear he wants a divorce.

I packed up all of our pictures. We have so many around the house. I packed our wedding video and wedding album.  It almost crippled me.  All day this afternoon, I'd laid in bed, looking at the pictures. I know that this isn't helping me. 

To let him go and be able to function like a normal adult, I'm going to have to put all this stuff in a lock box, and put in storage. I can't sit and look at pictures of us. I have to try and move on. Live my life alone.  I was alone before I met him, and I will be alone after.

I spent the day lying in bed, but I decided that I needed to get up take a shower. I almost passed out though because I got the water too hot, and I stood there too long. Not even realizing it.

Maybe I need to leave town. I'm no good at the office. I can't be on cases right now. Adam thinks I need to undergo counseling. But I don't want to. I don't want to talk about what I've lost.

I need to do what Tom wants, and he wants me to make an appointment and start the divorce by next week.  I google online and I don't know which lawyer to pick. I decide I want a lady lawyer, so I search for one.

It takes me an hour to make the call. I dial the number but before I hit the phone icon to send the call, I chicken out and delete the number. Only to try again.  It's hard to breathe when I do finally push that button, and so it's set. I made the appointment. Next Friday at 9:00 a.m. I will meet with her and start the divorce.

Tonight has been bad.  I announced to the guys and Judy that my appointment is set for next Friday at 9. Since Tom won't fight the divorce, I wonder how quickly she can get it done. I want to leave town for a while. I just want a speedy divorce. That is what is best for Tom. He will be happy.