The day I left for the base, I didn't really know how to feel. I would be away from an indefinite time, but it didn't seem like a forever. I was nervous, scared, excited, sad, happy, I felt everything. My mind was running twice its average speed. My stomach felt like a warm pool of mush. I was physically shaking with anxiety and excitement. I wanted to relax and take a deep breath but every time I tried it felt like my lungs were only half the size.
"Relax Anna, your train will be here any time now, okay?" Steve said next to me. He looked over at me catching my gaze. He quickly caught on to my array of emotions. I was gripping my bag so tight my fingers were going numb. He gave me a comforting smile, and placed a hand on my shoulder. There was something so grounding in his touch. It could pull me back from drowning.
"Look here it comes." Bucky announced lugubriously. I could hear it coming, and as it slowed down, my heartbeat accelerated. I couldn't believe I was doing this. My dress was suddenly too hot and tight. I was nervously sweating through the material.
"Here it is." The train was obviously long, and there was nothing special about it. It was made for passengers, but it also had compartments used to carry supplies. It slowed to a stop, and the crowd lurched forward. I watched as women cried, and kissed their spouses. There was a sad, but almost happy mood. The other soldiers around me were rowdy, but those who had someone to say goodbye to were somber. Looking back, I should have known that war is the most contradictory state humans are ever in. The bright light of humanity only came in flashes like a light house in a lost sea of carnage and atrocity.
I shouldn't have let Bucky and Steve come with me to the train station. But if I didn't, I might have not gotten on that train. I stood there frozen in my spot. Both Steve and Bucky turned to me waiting for me to do something.
"It's okay to be scared." Steve whispered to me. His gaze met mine, and threw my arms around him. He was caught off guard but hugged back.
"I'm not." I was, but at the same time I wasn't. That doesn't make any sense. I wasn't scared of dying, or what was to come. But I was scared of missing what I had. I couldn't stop thinking about time. The time that I had, or the time that I lost, or the time to come. Time is man made limit. It's the currency of life. We bounded ourselves in the most dangerous spider web. Like the joke goes, it always seems like you have plenty of, but you don't. The average life span is seventy-one years. That's 25,915 days. It's 621,960 hours. But it's not enough. We always think we have plenty of time to say good-bye, but even in 621,960 hours I would never be ready to say good-bye to Steve and Bucky. They were an immeasurable amount of me, and I felt like I was leaving behind a vital part of myself. I told myself I wouldn't cry, and I wouldn't make our goodbye sappy.
"Steve, Bucky, you two know how much mean to me. I'm going to miss you so much, but we'll see each other soon. Don't worry about me. You two stay out of trouble okay? Don't do anything stupid. And write me okay?" I addressed the both of them turning to look them both in the eyes. My voice got shaky but I took the time to control myself. I stood in front of them, and they both nodded their heads.
"I'm going to miss you brat." Steve said pulling me into one last hug. My arms wrapped around his neck as his arms squeezed my middle. As I hugged him, and I started to cry against my better judgement.
"I hate you." I laughed through my runny face. I kissed him on the cheek and memorized his sad half smile, his sad half smile that was 100% his. I turned to Bucky who had fallen quiet for the longest time that I can remember. His eyes were watery but he held it in.
"I'm going to miss you Buck." I whispered pulling him into a hug, he uttered nothing but hugged me tighter. I kissed his cheek and smoothed down his collar of his shirt. His eyes lingered on mine, and I liked to give myself props for knowing him inside out but I didn't this time. He seemed distant, but also he just seemed sad. Really sad.
"Take care okay?" I told him. Bucky followed me and enlisted. His training is awhile out, but I can only hope that I see him safe out there. I wasn't sure how much Bucky really wanted to go. But he had to now. I knew Steve was aching to go, and to stand up for the people who couldn't themselves. Bucky held me longer than I expected, his hands held my waist tightly.
"I really must get going." I said grabbing my bags. I turn towards the train and walk away leaving them behind. I promised myself I wouldn't turn to look at them when I climbed onto the train. I wouldn't even look outside the window for them. It would break my heart. I didn't want to be sad, I wanted to be hopeful. I wanted to look forward, and not look back.
Leaving is never easy but I couldn't help but feel excited for what was next. I felt a little guilty for being excited to leave. I found an empty row on the train, and I quickly stowed my luggage, and sat down. I waited for the train to move, and I was reminded of when I left home for the first time. Unlike Steve and Bucky, I didn't grow up in Brooklyn. I grew up on a little farm in Vermont. I lived with my grandparents since my mother died when I was young. I left for New York to find a good job, I had an Aunt that said she could help me find one. My grandparents needed the money since the Great Depression was still raging a war for farmers. My first job I found was in Brooklyn as a maid. I hated it, but it paid. I met Steve and Bucky totally by chance in the market. I was looking for some food for dinner for my roommate and I, when Bucky approached me.
"I have a quick question for you." A man asks walking up to me and I stare skeptically at him. He has brown hair that is slicked back, and his eyes are blue. They almost change color depending on the light. He is pretty handsome, his smile is painfully charming. The man was a total stranger then, asking another stranger a question. I was really hesitant to talk to him. He looked like trouble, but the fun kind.
"Yes?"
"If you were a beautiful dame–"
"–Oh, what a good way to start off." I interrupt turning my body away from him. I start to walk away from him trying to get rid of him. That ruined it all, now I was just annoyed. I move a couple stands over and pick up some bananas.
"No, no I didn't mean it like that, you are beautiful." He says following me. I roll my eyes before answering him.
"The damage is already done Mr..."
"Barnes, James Barnes, well actually my friends call me Bucky."
"That's a stupid name." I tell him rather bluntly feeling not a single sense of remorse since he called me ugly two seconds ago. I stuck my noise up in the air and brush past him again. I got used to calling him Bucky, only because he never really felt like a James to me.
"I guess, well anyway my friend over there Steve, says I should give flowers on the first date, but I kinda want to give something more memorable."
"First date right?"
"Yeah,"
"I would get flowers, it's more relaxed than jewelry or candy. I would just write a short nice note that goes with the flowers." I answer Barnes. Quite honestly I have no idea why I'm still talking to this man. He has a strange nickname and randomly talks to strangers (but then again so am I).
"Hey, Steve you were right about women!" Barnes turns and yells at Steve who shuffles his way up to us. He stares at the ground as he strolls over to us and his hands are buried in his pockets. The two guys are complete opposites, one spills out confidence while the other doesn't even know what it is. They even look opposite. Steve is skinnier than I am and about the same height if not shorter. Barnes looks healthy and strong, and Steve...not so much. Steve has sandy blonde hair that stands out when standing next to Barnes.
"This is Steve Rogers, Steve this is Ms—"
"Anna Smith" Rogers gives me an awkward handshake acknowledging my existence. He seems to be trying to wish himself into nonexistence. I found Rogers instantly interesting, because unlike his friend he wasn't an open book. Curiosity killed the cat. Steve was a clear shade of grey, instead of his black and white friend. I watch as he kicked a rock around his feet, his movements so small they were almost invisible. He was completely standoffish, and just by his looks he was the type of man your father would be appalled if you brought him home.
"You're not from around here are you?" Barnes asks me grabbing my attention. "Hey bananas rhyme with your name." He adds pointing at the bananas I picked up a few moments ago.
"No I moved here a month or two ago. And yes they rhyme with my name. Good for you, you understand the basics of the English language." I don't know what to think of this Bucky guy. He's a strange one. He grins widely at me like he enjoyed being insulted.
"How do you like Brooklyn?"
"It's fine, a little dirty, not a lot of scenery here."
"Then you haven't seen the Dodgers beat the Giants yet." Steve quips and this was the first hint I get of Steve's personality. He looks up at me and gives a lopsided smile. His shy smile is kind of endearing in a way. Steve's eyes are probably the bluest eyes I've ever seen, they were the type that inspired writers to write awful clichés about them.
"I've never been to a game before." I confess and the two of them stood there stunned. "By the way you can call me Anna." No one ever called me Ms. Smith.
"Anna you've been here for a month and never been to a game in the middle of the season." I shake my head.
"That's an awful shame Anna." Steve remarks with that same lazy smile. I couldn't tell if I like Steve or not. He's very clearly closed off, and his friend James, or I guess Bucky, is just here to have a good time. But what does Steve want?
"Well baseball in Vermont isn't very big. I've got to go now. Mr. Barnes good luck on your date. It was nice to meet both of you." I say shaking their hands and turning away. It only took a couple weeks before I went to my first game with those two. It only took five innings before I was screaming for the Dodgers' defense to actually work.
Sitting in my seat felt like I was being shipped off to the moon, I was leaving planet Earth. Nothing would be the same. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. As the train jerked forward for the first time I stood up. I leaned even further on the window trying to better my almost clear view of the train station. Then slowly, slowly the train moved again and pretty soon all I saw was the city, we had left the station. I wiped my tears, smoothed down my dress, fixed my hair and took out my favorite book. I tried to look unbothered and unamused. I tried to look tough and that I belonged.
"Excuse me," a polite voice asked me. I looked up at the aisle and there stood a woman. She had short brown hair like myself and bright red lipstick, a shade I could never pull off. I'm not sure anyone could pull of her red lips quite like she did.
"Is someone sitting here?" She asked with an alarming amount of dignity in her voice and stature. Her voice was soft and oddly British. She was from England on her way to an American training camp. She had only said six words to me and I knew that she was going somewhere. She demanded you pay attention and respect her.
"No, the seat is empty, I'm Anna Smith." I said trying to match her strong presence. I shook her hand and tried to be friendly.
"Margret Carter, but I go by Peggy."
"Nice to meet you Peggy Carter, I'm sure we'll get along just fine." I told her with a smile. And I was right, we got along great. She became one of my best friends, someone who I counted on for the next couple chapters of my life.